HELP! Behavior Issues!

Updated on October 23, 2008
K.C. asks from Tualatin, OR
5 answers

Long story short my 9 year old daughter has had behavior issues in school since kindergarten. She is very easily frustrated if she views something as "unfair" to her. If another child teases her or will not share or something similar she gets very frustrated and may throw something or slam a door, etc. If the teacher see's her playing with something and tells her sternly to "put it away" my daughter may not mind and the teacher will then take the item away from her. my daughter then becomes frustrated and cries or may throw something. She isn't always like this mind you. She is a very loving caring little girl who loves animals and she is also very smart. She has tested above average on all school tests. She just does not do well in social situations. She can't handle being teased or rejected by peers. She is stubborn and wants things her way. I been working with her for years on "breathing through the anger" and she went to counseling when she was younger. I don't understand where the anger comes from. My husband and I rarely argue and have never been violent. She is very loved and gets cuddles and hugs all the time. I try to talk with her about her concerns and why she gets so angry but she just says. "I don't know why I get angry" I am at a loss. Is this a behavioral disorder or something??? Any input is appreciated. I am seeking the help of a counselor as well. Thanks so much. I want to add that the behavior is worse at school then at home. she gets angry at home but rarely throws things or reacts with a tantrum. Large groups seem to trigger her. Also I have just recently gone through a bout of depression and was getting easily frustrated with my kids and raising my voice more then I should. Im doing better now. for the most part I am a very calm mother. People comment to me how calm and patient I am so I don't really think It's my parenting. (not that Im a perfect mom) I just don't know...

K.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

There are lots of possible approaches to this problem.

For starters, it sounds as though your daughter is either more emotionally sensitive than most, or could be reacting to foods, food additives, or other factors in her environment. I am severely sensitive to airborne chemicals like perfume and auto exhaust, and some food colors and preservatives,. Exposures can leave my nerves raw and my temper short, among other symptoms. Allergies and sensitivities are common in kids, particularly if they get lots of commercially prepared foods. And for a child, coping with a mood swing would be much harder than for a grownup.

Next, I used the following approach for a few years, working with at-risk kids as a tutor in a high school, and had remarkably good results with many of the kids (even some who had been in repeated trouble with the law). I would simply observe without judgement what had happened, and ask the kid what their version of the story was. They might have a really exaggerated view of how abused they had been, but I would simply acknowledge that "that must have felt pretty (awful, unfair, frustrating)."

They would frequently be surprised at my sympathy, and relax, maybe even say some more about the event. I would continue to affirm their feelings. Eventually, I would ask how they thought it would feel to be the other person, maybe to consider why they had said or done what they did, or why they were required to do it (as in a teacher keeping order in a classroom, for example). I would sometimes coach the kid a bit to help them see the other side, but always avoided pressuring them for the "right" answer.

If we got that far, and we often did, I would ask what the kid might have done if he was the other person. I was amazed at how often a moment of surprise would cross the kid's face when they realized that they might have acted the same way as the person who had made them mad.

There is an internalization of understanding and the beginnings of responsibility for personal choice that would sometimes be born in that moment. It's a beautiful thing to see. At that point, you might even be able to ask what consequences might be appropriate, and the kid might assign himself a punishment or require an apology for his own behavior.

That's not the end of any story, of course. The first dawning is only a start, and the hard work of learning to respond consistently follows. So if you try this approach, be prepared to move slowly, be as gentle and supportive as possible, and repeat, repeat, repeat as necessary. And remember that your daughter will exhibit the high impulsivity that is part of being a kid, and will gain self-control only gradually.

But with that self-control will come self-respect and a desire to win the resepct of others. (Respect is one of the most rewarding feeling a young person can experience – they get precious little of it from the "adult" world.)

So offering her empathy and respect might give her and you a surprising new approach to how she relates to you and to the world. And how she internalized the value of self-control. It might be worth exploring.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.H.

answers from Portland on

Hi, this sounds very frustrating and I really feel for you. My instinct is that this is related to her intelligence and she is probably a very giving person who does not deal well with anything unfair or people who are authoritarian. I would recommend you research two things, a different school that has a different approach to learning and Ba Luvmour at the Encompass Institute. This is a non profit in Portland and he is a psychiatrists. He is a wonderful man who counsels on relationships with children. He may be able to idetify where the anger is coming from. Good luck to you. You sound like a great mom trying to find aswers for your daughter.

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J.L.

answers from Portland on

might be mild/high-functioning asperger's syndrome... has no effect on intelligence... anger & difficulty/awkwardness with social situations are some traits... i'd take her to a psychaiatrist for more evaluation & therapy, although it sounds like you have that in the works... good luck!

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S.H.

answers from Portland on

Hi Katrina,

I'm responding late, but wanted to tell you your daughter sounds just like my stepson. Rarely any problems at home, but school was terrible. He got suspended several times. It was frustrating for everyone. After exhaustive testing, he was diagnosed with Asperberger Syndrom. Other symptoms besides being bright and not dealing well with social situations are- not liking loud noises (always covers his ears at parades, smoke alarms, etc.), not wanting change, obsessing over subjects (at a young age knew EVERYTHING about the Titanic). We read a few articles on the internet about Aspbergers and immediately thought they were written for our son. We got him an IEP at school, including putting him in a special classroom for a while (9-14 students) and he has made huge progress! He is now in 7th grade (We have had issues since he started Kindergarten) and is participating in regular classes with the help of an aid. When we first had him diagnosed, we did give him medication to help with impulse control. As things settled down for him, we were able to take him off of it. The biggest hurdle is to convince everyone that these are not bad children (and choosing to behave badley). They are reacting to their inablility to handle perceived stress.

Good job to you for recognizing there is an issue and working towards solving the problem, instead of blaming the child! Good luck!

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J.F.

answers from Portland on

Hi Katrina -

Have you considered home-educating your daughter for a time to see if her issues may stem from the school environment? It may not be working for her learning-style. If you were able to observe her at home more, you may be able to find some triggers and address the deeper reasons this is happening. You may also want to go see a behavioral therapist and look into anger-management. Her personality sounds like one of my children who fits into the "dreamer" personality type. Often these kids are mislabeled as "strong-willed". Check out the book "Strong-willed Child or Dreamer?" by Spears.

Hang in there and God bless,
J.

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