Help a Friend in Need???

I know you got a lot of advice. I just want to say that I think it is great that you have such an open and warm heart. If all people were so thoughtful, what a wonderful world it would be.

A friend of mine did this for someone in the same position. They are no longer friends and my friend is now divorced. It is a very kind thing to do, but just know that it changes the dynamics for everyone and is a very difficult thing to do.

Good luck,
C.

What a kind heart you have!

I'd probably do it if you feel it's right.. however.. SPELL out some sort of contract and expectations for her and have her sign it.

I commend you for wanting to help and I think AMERICA needs more neighbors and 'friends' like you. You have a conscience from someone who is in need. If it were you wouldn't you pray to God for provision like you are offering her?

I say DO IT! You may get burned, your family may be stretched but you will learn and grow and GOD in heaven sees your heart and her need. He will bless you for it. Do all you can do to protect your own family from any harm. Do a background check on her and her ex first. I would also let her know in a kind way that you have boundaries as far as how long she can stay and what the house rules are. Be aware of what is going on in your home and with those living in your home.
You are blessed and it is wise to share our blessing with those less fortunate. Also know that your children will be shaped by these things they see you doing. It will form them to help others too!

Just think of how much better the USA would be if we all were really concerned for eachother the way you are for her.

God Bless you!

I think you are right that there are pros and cons to this situation and you are an amazing person to be able to want to open your home to others. Personally, if I were in your friends situation I would hope I had a friend like you that would help me. I think you and your husband should sit down and have a serious conversation with your friend. Tell her you are giving her 30 days to put affairs in order and lay down some ground rules - such as respecting your family and home rules. If after 30 days it is going well you can always extend the time - if it isn't than you and her both know the time is up. I think most importantly this is a great lesson to teach all of the children involved here as well. It shows them to help others in need and shows those in need there are people who care and if you are able you should give to others. It would be a very difficult situation - but with your husbands agreement it will be so much easier. My husband is not so charitable and I can't say he would be willing to open our home to others. I believe in Karma and you will be rewarding in some way for doing such an amazing thing for a friend. But again, there are cons and your family is most important so do what is in your heart and your head. Good luck !

You are taking on a HUGE responsibility. If your husband is ok with it - really ok, not just surface ok - then go for it BUT set a limit to how long they will stay and MAKE SURE they keep it - more than a couple months is too long. It will affect your family. Have set rules about chores/space limits/etc. BEFORE they come into your home. You are an incredible giving person to want to do this ... but don't let your friend become dependent on your hospitality OR your husband's wages - it's not fair to anybody.

Wow, what an overwhelming situation for your friend to be in!

I would advise that you very carefully consider your exit strategy, if you decide to invite her into your home. I mean, you need to know exactly when you'll ask her to move on, what conditions you consider to be unacceptable, who gets to make the rules for ALL of the children in the house, and how much you will expect them to contribute to the household -- finanically and otherwise. This is difficult to know, theoretically, and you need to understand yourself well in order to negotiate effectively with these people.

Adding the costs involved in 5 additional people in your home will be considerable, and if you're going to support her 100% so she can save money to move out, it will cost you a great deal. Expect your power bill and grocery costs to double. Expect your heating bill to rise and your water bill (if you pay that separately). You will also make a great deal more garbage with 10 people rather than 5. These people will have extraneous costs, too: things wrecked and grown out of that need to be replaced. There will be more wear and tear on the house overall, resulting in more repair and maintenance costs -- as well as more housework and a lot more noise and negotiation.

Be careful to remain aware of your patience level and what you think of in your mind as 'the deal.' You may expect more gratitude than you get, which will anger you. You may expect more cooperation or assistance than you get, which may frustrate you. You may have a timeline in your head that is widely underestimated in your offer, or wildly overestimated by the recipient.

I wouldn't do it. I appreciate the generosity of your offer, and even why it feels right for you. I'm not saying 'don't do it,' I just know that I don't share space that well, and wouldn't put my family (which includes 2 intraverts with a daily need for silence and solitude) through it. YMMV.

K. - I have been in your friends shoes! But I had no one who would help. I ended up taking my daughter to 5 different womwn's shelters in the past 2 years. The shelters weren't really all that bad. They do help out alot.
But before you or your friend do anything drastic, check and see if you have a 2-1-1 number for your area. This number will give her the names and phone numbers of any agencies or organizations in your area that will help her. It could be wth shelter assistance,utilities,clothing - anything they are in need of.

God bless you and your husband for being willing to help this woman and her children. But the 5 extra people would put a stress on your family and home - no matter how big it is.

I think following your heart will get you to the right place in life, so long as you're head is clear and sure. If your husband is on the same page, its a wonderful gesture and one I hope makes the difference for this woman. If you decide to set guidelines, do it before she moves in: duration, steps she needs to take, house rules, etc., and I do recommend that you do request her utmost effort. Some people are weakened by charity, others helped. You'll have to make that call based on your relationship. I guess you need to anticipate it being difficult and problems arising you can't imagine now, but you will feel good, and have done a real thing to help. The message to your kids is one that they'll carry all their lives. Good luck!

I would say that is a wonderful thing you want to do. Just know that it will put a strain on your family and your everyday life..........also you don't know her family very well so there will be an adjustment. I would say to have rules laid out up front and also a time limit.........hopefully it all works out for her and her kids. That is very sad

K.; BEWARE... All I want to say is I have been close to the same situation. Helping is one thing, taking in 5 "FIVE" extra people, big and small, is an enormours undertaking. Believe me, it would be cheaper to give her a gift to help her get to her destination. You said she is planning on going to a women's shelter in a different state. Some people that get themselves in this kind of emergency situations have a very hard time keeping focused on goals and finances, and it could be many months before she "get's on her feet". I know you feel blessed, and want to help, but at what cost to your own family, and especially your hubby, who will be trying to support 10 people? My gut tells me that she isn't going to make this easy on your household and if you feel that her being there for possibly months, not counting parenting rules changing, and the privacy gone for your spouse and yourself, it may turn into a very intense experience. Think hard and remember this saying, "your lack of planning, doesn't make it my emergency." Sounds harsh, but love is tough sometime, and it doesn't sound like she's too involved in saving herself right now. A little digging for advice for her, internet, aid to dependent children, etc. may go a long way for her, but she needs to act now.... Good luck..............
J.

K., I think it's an awesome thing that you're trying to do for your associate/friend. Be sure to give her a time frame even if it's 4 months, therefore she can save up and learn to take care of herself and the children. Set up ground rules for the children and let her know how you and your husband run YOUR HOUSE and kids too. Be sure that your husband agrees with helping too. Pray before actually going through and letting her know to move in too.

If she has no job experience, some of these shelters help assist with that. Shelters aren't always bad, it's hard to endure especially with children though. I understand how you feel in trying to help her and I commend you for it. Most people wouldn't especially if they're struggling themselves. She may have been isolated from her family and friends (I don't know I'm guessing). But do what you feel as best for you and your family too.

Take care and best of luck,

A

God bless you! It is an awesome thing that you are able to help this family. I say ~ do it! Prepare your family for the struggles that will come along with it though. They will learn an important lesson. Remember "what you do unto the least of these, you do until me" ~ Jesus said that. Awesome!

S.

My husband and I would ask the kids what they think. Our daughters are 3 and 5, but we involve them in a lot of decisions. It doesn't mean that we'll go with their choices, but it makes them feel a part of things and it also helps them learn the decision making process. While the kids are at school I would write down the pros and cons and then when the kids and your husband come home you can sit down and talk about it. Give the kids the pros and cons, explain the situation, and let them know there will need to be sacrifices. See what they have to think about it. In a situation like this, the kids will understand the importance of helping our neighboors and friends as well. It's a time to think about others instead of ourselves.

Hi K.,

I greatly respect your desire to help your friend, but I would try helping her in other ways first and only take her and the kids in as a very last resort. There are so many ways that you could help her to help herself, thereby allowing her to keep her dignity and feel that she is providing for her own children. The physical, emotional and financial strain of having two fairly large families living together cannot be underestimated. One way that you could immediately help her is to make her aware of the 211 system. This is national phone number that people can call, which connects them to a nation-wide system of human services. You could also call churches in the area to see if they know of anyone willing to donate free rent for an apartment, home, condo, etc.,for this family. Churches love to help people in this type of situation. And as other people mentioned, contactting social services to see what is available for them is a great idea. You are a kind-hearted and wonderful person to want to help this family. But I think to help your friend in the most positive way would be to "teach her to fish," as opposed to just giving her a hand-out.

WOW, you are a fantastic person....if everyone involved is OK with the idea, including the kids, it is so darn kind of your family, but I would first discuss a time line.
You guys might get "sick" of each other sooner than you expect.

I understand your concern and desire to help. There are many local agencies that help with this sort of need. First she will need to contact Department of Human Services in her county for help. They can give her referrals for specific needs. If she is in an area that has a Love, I.N.C., they will also assist her. There are also agencies that help with those who find themselves homeless. A women's shelter would be an option. If you still have a strong desire to take her and her children in, be sure you have an agreement about how long she will stay and what you expect of her (picking up after the kids, help with food preparation, laundry, etc). You say she needs the money, but how will she get it? through the state? part-time job? how much does she need? It sounds like you have already thought about the toll it will take on your family. Please think this through very carefully. Will it really help to take her in for a while or hinder her from taking steps on her own to secure her future? I speak from experience.
I took in a couple and it was a miserable experience. They seemed to have a false sense that they were entitled to be waited on even though my husband and I were working and they were not. It was not pleasant.

K. K.

My first thought when reading your post was that if you thought it was a good idea you would have just did it. I think you have some reservations which is why you posted your question. Keep up with helping her in other ways like helping her seek state aid.

Yes it will be a tough adjustment taking in that many people. I do feel that you have your heart in the right place, if you can help her out and you feel that it is right in your heart then do it! I think that if you sit down with your kids and tell them that they are coming to stay and they need to make them feel welcome, then it will be an easier adjustment. Also you are teaching them a big lesson in humanity and helping your fellow neighbor, and that is a very important life lesson that too many these days do not get. Good Luck!!! I think you have already decided to do this, but are nervous about such a big change.

K.,

This is very generous of you to offer to help your friend in this way, and the previous posters have made some very valid points and suggestions that I agree with. I guess the biggest concern I would have with this is what if it really isn't working out for you, and you and your family are not happy with the siutation and you decide you want out of the deal? What if she has no where to go, or no money to get there? You may find yourself stuck in a situation indefinetly with no easy way out.

I would certianly give this very serious thought and prayerfully consider what course of action you should take. I also have to say that I most likely would not do it either. But you have to follow your own gut and do what you believe is the right thing. Good luck to you and God Bless.

K.,
Thank you for caring for your friend....your compassionate heart is showing :-) You and your husand are to be commended.
I would like to caution you 'if' you decide to take in your friend and her children....this experience will take a toll on your family life with you children and more importantly with you and your husband.
Discuss this deeply, pray hard....possibly even seek emotional and spiritual help for you & your hubby.
I would encourage you to check out all of the avenues of assistance available to her through the local agencies. Also, check with your church /faith family to see if there is assistance for her and her children.
From your request; you prefered not to contact a shelter....from my heart to yours....this option sounds to be the best - prior to her reconnecting with her own family - mother /sisters /aunts. I'm not aware of your geographic location, however there is The Genesis House Ministry in the Meto-Detroit area along with The Lighthouse Ministry - which you could look in to.
God Bless You as you make your decision.
K. T

Unfortunately, you dont sound like you are in a position to help her. You have a stable family life and you are wanting to bring in a family of 5 who is not a close friend into your home to disrupt your life. You have a good heart but you must think with your brain. Can you support financially 5 more mouths for an indefinate period of time. This person is desperate, yes, but you should only assist her in seaching the help she needs. A ride to the FIA office, maybe a gallon of milk with cereal here and there but to open your stable home and risk your relationship with your children and husband....well I know I would try helping her but not at the risk of stress in my home relationships.

My heart goes out to her and I will keep her in my prayers. I think you are a very good friend and you should follow your heart. I truly beleive that people are put in our lives for a reason. You have an opprotunity to help her and teach your children how big yours and your husbands hearts are. They might not fully understand now, but they will whent they get older and you will gain a multitude of respect from them. I say help her, it seems like you are all she has right now. Can she not get a job???? Houses are raelly cheap right now too. SHe can get a really nice one for $1000.00 to $5000.00. It is cheaper than any apartment or rental. Good luck to the both of you and God be with you.

I think it's great that you want to help this lady. However, just keep in mind that if they come and live with you, it may be for a long time as the job market is bad nation wide and it may take her longer to get back on her feet. While she's with you, your monthly expenses will go up. Utilities, food etc. I'm not trying to discourage you from helping but this will be a finacial strain on your family.

You have a big heart! But trust me! DON`T DO IT! There are other ways! and she doesn`t need money to go to a shelter...But from your update that looks like what you`ve decided...good choice!

K., it's nice that you have such a big heart. I take it the children's natural father pays no support? If so, why not? This woman should try to get free legal assistance from Legal Aid. Even if there is no property to divide, her husband would probably be ordered by the court to give her some spousal support on a short-term basis. She should also apply for public assistance. It will be a disruption to your family if you take them in, but if you make it clear it's on a short-term basis, and you help her get the other assistance she needs, I think you are doing the right thing.

Hello, first of all, what is God telling you to do??

I have been in this situation on a few occasions. In each situation, I gave up my rights to God ( bare with me on this) If you feel God is for this descision, then, YES, invite them. I will say that there must be a few ground rules. It seems there are alot of children involved here. There must never be any bad talk about the father ( I know that's hard, especially, if he is an idiot ). But the mental health of these children is on the line. Also, be sure to include YOUR children in this desicion. It is their house too. Also, have her write out a plan ( not that you want anything back from her, you want her to continue on a forward path for all of their sakes and of course your own.) You and your husband must really talk about the time frame here, be realistic, My Brother ran into some hard times in North Carolina in 2007, We invited him to live with us ( same reason, I didn't want him in a shelter ). He is still living in our basement ( 2 years now). My husband and I discussed way back , that it would probably take about 2 -3 years for him to really get back on his feet. Then the ressesion hit.. oops.. My brother helps out alot around here, but I really is driving my husband a bit "batty",LOL.. from the beginning, we talked about it and felt comfortable in how this would go.

One other thing... You will be living with another female. This always sounds wonderful, community living and all.. I can go shop, she can stay with kids or vice versa,, she can nap, while I watch the kids. I will cook tonight, she can cook tomorrow.. You get the point.. but out of nowhere you will find very stupid things bothering you, such as.. why is SHE telling my kids what to do?? Why is she talking bad about my husband.. or when is SHE going to do the laundry.. why does she fold the towels that way?? I want them folded THIS way.. do you see?? Dumb stuff.. but those things add up, not to mention , the pressure on your marriage. You 2 MUST be UNITED in this descion. If you are and you keep God close.. It will be a wonderful experience and If you handle it right, this could be a great example to your family, your children and actually all of the people around you ( more people then you think will be faced wtih this descion in the next few years.. we ALL know someone who will have NO place to live before long.. right?) I want to encourage you in this. God will bless you if your hearts right and your husband agrees with you.

God Bless you K., and good luck.

I'd see what other resources are out there first and do it only as a last resort and only if my husband was in favor of it. She has no family anywhere?