HELP 8 Year Old Daughter Issues

I will add this suggestion: group sports! This could give her an outlet for her endless energy, plus give her something she has to practice at outside (invite a teammate or two over to help her practice), plus she might build more friendships and independence from you from being part of a team. I loved playing soccer from age 7 until about age 12. (P.S. Try to get her on a mixed-gender team- the girls-only teams seem to be much more catty and competitive, and less fun. That's why I ended up quitting after I wasn't allowed on mixed-gender teams anymore.)

At 8 she is very capable of helping you with the chores. Once she is helping regularly it can free up some of your time and energy to play with her, plus she will get the extra time with you while doing the chores. Make it fun. My DS is an only child and also loves have me play all the time. One thing I discovered is if I told him I was setting the timer for 20 minutes of uninterrupted play with him and when the timer goes off that I have to work on my chores. It worked beautifully because then I didn't feel like it would be an endless play session with an argument when I tried to leave. He felt better knowing that I wasn't just going to get up and leave at a random moment and that I was concentrating on him during that 20 minutes. Usually at the end of the 20 minutes he was so into whatever game we were playing that he would just continue on his own and I would get a bunch of time to work uninterrupted.

Also recognize that she may be an extrovert and you an introvert. Extroverts are energized by being with people while introverts are energized when they get some alone time. You probably aren't getting that recharge time you need so be sure to set aside a 20-30 minute time during the little one's nap where you ask your 8yo to play by herself. As far as sleeping with you, have her schedule one night a week to plan a "sleepover" with you or husband. And that is the only night. Make it special with special treat or activity before bed.

Also try love flooding. What that means is whenever you feel frustrated or nagged sit down with your DD and hug her and tell her how much you love her. It may feel forced at the moment, but pretty soon you will see the results in both your emotional state and hers as well. The more we pull away from children emotionally the more unsure they feel of themselves and our love for them. The more we give them attention and love not attached to any "good" behavior, the more confident and independent they feel.

Good luck and big hugs. Make sure to schedule some guilt-free time for yourself. It will make you a better parent.

Hi there,

I think the other poster nailed it right on the head--that you are likely an introvert, while your daughter is extroverted. I am introverted, so I can sort of feel your pain, with the demands on your time and the constant "needs" that children present.

I would be organized and plan ahead on how you will spend your days. Involve your daughter in the planning. Maybe the second Saturday of the month is the day she can have a friend sleepover. Maybe on Tuesday evenings, she needs to play independently, but on Wednesdays you and her play a board game. Write it all on the family calendar, where she can see it and she knows what is coming. If she knows ahead of time when she can have sleepovers and your undivided attention, she may not seem so needy.

I agree with the other poster--get her doing some household chores if she isn't already. An 8 year old can do a lot, with a little supervision. If you sort the laundry, maybe she can actually load the washer and the dryer. She sounds like a bright, energetic girl. If you show her a few times how to measure the detergent and what settings to use, she might be a huge help to you! She can also be brought into some simple meal prep, weeding the garden, or dusting.

You can also channel her energy into some inexpensive activities, like a hobby she can get hooked on. Might she enjoy knitting or crocheting, or some simple sewing? Community Ed and even your library might have classes this summer. She could grow her own small container garden this summer. A lot of herbs (like mint) practically grow themselves and are pretty foolproof. She could start today by reading books on growing herbs, and maybe doing some chores to earn money to buy the seedlings and pots. I got my herb garden started last year for around $15, and it sits on my windowsill all year round. Another thought is if you have a nursing home nearby, she could start visiting. Many people do not get regular visitors for whatever reason, and would cherish a child's good nature and smile. Most nursing homes have simple activities where a visitor might be welcome (bingo night). Good luck!

My 8 year old is same way. Set up a schedule. I had to explain to my children that there are no play dates or sleep overs on school nights or Saturday night for us. That has helped a lot. And then I started assigning chores they had to do after school before they could watch TV or play on the computer. So my kids come home after school do chores, have to play outside for an hour (if the weather is decent) and then they can watch TV or play computer until family dinner time, followed by after dinner chores and then bed time routine. It has helped me keep my sanity a lot with kids who think they need to be everywhere but home. :)

without realizing it, you answer your own question; the problem is that your daughter wants almost constant interaction on some level, and you expect her to be independent. its not working mom!

i realize that you have another child involved here, but that doesnt mean taht your older daughter has to be independent. shes just not feeling like independence right now. i guarantee that if you took some meaningful time with her, the night issues would subside. this means do something she wants to do and do it without giving the idea that you are rushing, or that you arent all there. maybe you even have to make a weekly 'date' and do something just with her - leaving your son behind with someone you trust. let her plan the day, as shes old enough to do something like that, and just BE with her. kids pick up on when you arent all there, when you are perhaps rushing, or concentrating on other things when you are with them... so try to stay as much in the moment as you can. talk to her - ask her how she feels, and what she needs from you, see if she gives you an answer. this is not the time to push her away and expect her to fend for herself, you are going to want her to talk to you in a few years, you have to be communicating with her now.

as they grow, our kids typically take 2 steps forward, and one step back. during that one step back, they are going to seem more needy, and those are honest, real needs! unfulfilled needs turn into undesireable habits... so we as parents need to know what the need is, fulfill it so that she can take the next steps forward with confidence. we dont force our children `to be independent, we nurture it and fertilize it like a flower or something! one could never expect a flower garden to thrive without the proper feeding.... we cant expect it of our children, no matter how old they are.... :P

C.,

We have six kids and when my kids push and push on things,I often try to add more predictability. For playdates, you may set two days per week that are "playdate days" and keep the same days so that she knows when to expect them. AS far as sleeping with a parent, you might consider saying that you will each lay down with her once per week for a certain amount of time. I find that when I tell my kids in advance what to expect, then I remind them at the time, they are more amenable to it. In addition, maybe your daughter could benefit from some regular chores around the house. When I am feeling stressed by things, I often realize that I am trying to do too much myself. Dishes (clearing the table after a meal, loading the dishwasher, or unloading it)and picking up the family room daily are a couple of the things that my 8 year old has done. The trick that I have found with getting chores done with less whining is to make a list of every job that needs to be done, so the child can check it off. For example, we use the following liost for our great room:
• Return baby toys to baby toy basket-parts should be placed with correct toys
• Return all other toys to their home-in basement or bedrooms
• Fold all blankets neatly and place on blanket rack
• Stack up a few favorite books on coffee table. Place extra books in correct book shelves
o board book shelf
o easy reader
o picture books
o big kids shelf.
• Vacuum carpet and rugs with power nozzle
• Set up doll house neatly
• Return remaining items to their place, for example shoes and clothes.

Weekly zone 1
• Pick up and vacuum school room

You may even want to consider having your daughter earn playdates by doing her chores well a certain number of times. FOr my very active children, I find that adding chores when they misbehave channels their energy and takes some work off me. They are more motivated to behave, but even when they don't we get things done for hte good of hte family. Good luck! DOn;t despair if hte training in this takes time. Once your daughter knows what you expect, things will go smoothly and you'll have less stress.

Sounds like she needs to have play dates with some friends from school . Is there some little girls in your neighborhood she can play with ?
Just a question before your little one came along she was a only child right ? I am guessing you played with her and she was the center of your attention right? You let her have sleep overs right ? Well kids do not understand that all of a sudden you do not have time for them .
You need to sit down with her and explain sleep overs are for special times with mom or dad . And then make plans for special times during the week to play .

My daughter is 7.5 years old and has a baby sister who's 6mos. so I know there is alittle jealously.

My daughter is extrememly social, whines for sleepover,playdates too which I'm all for I just get sick of hosting.

What helps my daughter leave me alone you could say is she has alot of freedom because I she's responsbile and trustworthy. I also let her have a tv in her room which is a no no to alot but she will go watch Disney Channel for hours if I let her. I actually have to limit her tv or she won't come out of her room. Since you have the opposite problem maybe get your daugther a tv, let her have internet access in the living room or something. If I let my daughter on my computer she's in heaven and busy for awhile with webkinz or this or that.

Plan one fun day a week just the two of you. A walk, zoo, park, out for icecream something.

I know yesterday I watched movies with my daughter, she played outside with friends and we made dinner together, today were going to Chuckie Cheese. Then tonight I will expect her to help me clean the house, get ready for school tomorrow, at this point our day is focused on her, and the baby tags along. There are some days where the day is focused on her baby sister but I try to keep it even.

Hi C.. If you are interested in a truely wonderful therapist for your daughter, I highly recommend Bethany Mattson @ Eagan Counceling Center. I whole-heartedly appreciate the skills and insight she has shown to my 8 year old.
From figuring out things to have in a 'calming box' when she gets anxious/stressed-to helping her through her phobia of bugs.
For my dd- when she is overtired, she gets clingy & emotional. To balance this before it becomes too much, I still have her with a 7pm bedtime. She can read or watch the small dvd player until 9pm, but she is not supposed to continuously get out her room. It's 'her' time to center herself-on her own.
You are definately not alone. We're holding your hand! ;)

C. - I have a 16 year old son that is very similiar. He was a challenging and active child since the moment he was born. I basically had to find things that were yeses in his life. Everything was a no until I learned to relax and a little and look for something that could be a yes. (My philosophy during that time was "don't sweat the small stuff.") I had to tell him upfront what was expected of him. I had to be very, very consistent with the rules. For instance, the rule is he can only sleep over or have a sleep over at our house once during the weekend and never if there is a sports tournament involved. So I "accidentally" let him sleep over twice during a long weekend. And, of course, he used it against me the following weekend, "but you let me sleep over twice last weekend." (Mind you he's 16!) Layout the "laws/rules" and be consistent.

As far as the activity goes, sports really, really helped and still do. He now plays hockey and baseball at the varsity level in HS (as a sophomore). He can come home after a 3 hour baseball practice and have enough energy for a pick-up basketball game with 3 other guys in the backyard! His energy serves him well and will as an adult!

Oh, he was also the child that loved to sleep in our bed. At 2 or 3 it was sweet and that was a time that he was loving (he still moved a lot at night too). But eventually, the "need" to sleep in our bed has gone and I kind of miss it. So does he, every once in a while, this 6 foot, 170 lb 16 year old comes and lays in our bed and I loved it!! Enjoy the time - it passes all too quickly.

Hang in there, be consistent with the rules and enjoy this time of her life. In 10 years, she'll be out of the house and you'll be missing that time you had with her...

All the best,

It sounds like attention seeking behavior to me. I'd put my foot down and sit down with her and make some rules and + consequences if she follows them. Maybe decide how many playdates/sleepovers she can have in a week or month and then have her keep track of them. Maybe if she sleeps in her own bed alone, she can earn extra playdates/sleepovers if those are things she really likes. Then I'd make sure she IS getting enough time w/ you one on one every day. Maybe even designate time where the baby is w/ dad and you are w/ your daughter. I think the suggestion about having her help out is great too...it will really promote a good self image which is so so important. You really want her to feel good about herself and know that you love her.

www.loveandlogic.com

its pretty simple problem here...shes competeing for attention with the baby....include her more in baby care

I'm only responding to this because I was just reading a sleep book last night and it said that children who seem very wound up and need to go, go, go all the time usually are over tired. It said that out brains turn on to super-mode when we get over tired and that if kids are chronically lacking sleep they will seem hyper all the time. Since you said she always wants to sleep with you maybe she has never learned to soothe herself to sleep? And therefore isn't sleeping enough? Just some thoughts. Good luck!