Help 8 Month Old Throwing Fits

E.,
It sounds like your daughter is having separation anxiety. It is exhausting and frustrating, but this is a normal and temporary phase. This does not mean that your daughter will be throwing tantrums in public next year. ;) Please just hang in there!! Separation anxiety does get better, even though this is a particularly hard time for you.

I am a stay at home mom with a 10 month old son, and I found that the 6 - 9 month period was really difficult because of the separation anxiety (plus he was teething and that really affected him). A lot of babies have problems going down to sleep at night. I am not completely against the straight "cry it out" approach, but I just don't think it works for all families. What's worked for us is to stick to a daytime routine for naps and meals and playtimes and a bedtime routine that consists of dinner, a bath, then a feeding (I'm still nursing) then putting him in the crib - he might cry for a few minutes but at that point he is so sleepy it only lasts for a few minutes. Or sometimes there is no crying at all. If he keeps crying after 5 or 10 minutes, I do go in and check on him and soothe him, sometimes even nurse him down again. After he wakes up around 10 or 11, I just bring him into our bed and he stays there the rest of the night. I know this is not for everyone, but it works great for us. I found that Dr. Sears' parenting philosophy was really in line with my style of parenting and you may find some very helpful tips in his books such as The Baby Book and The Baby Sleep Book. His website is www.askdrsears.com.

Anyway, here are some tips that may help you at home during the day...I kept my son in an Exersaucer or a bouncy seat next to me while in the bathroom. When he could not bear to be away from me, I carried him in a backpack or an Ergo (a front/back/or side carrier that is very easy on the back). The main thing that helped me stay sane during this time was getting out of the house to keep us both entertained. You could try going to storytimes at Borders/Barnes and Noble/Babystyle/library, letting your baby play in the kids' play area at the library, going to friends' homes for babies' playgroups, and going to the park and letting your baby play on a blanket and watch the other kids (great way to meet other moms too).

I am so sorry to hear about your mom's passing. It is really hard being a first-time mom, and staying at home is so much challenging and tiring than expected. It is so much harder without any support...have you looked into joining your local MOMS club? (www.momsclub.org) You will be able to meet like-minded moms who are going through the same exact thing and you will feel more confident and more able to deal with this phase of life. It costs barely anything to get in touch with this network. They have babies playgroups at members' home and parks and organized activities. It's a lot of fun for moms and babies.

Best of luck to you.

I wish I could help you out. My son just turned 8 months and he is doing the same thing. I have to be doing something with him at all times. He won't even sleep in his crib anymore, he has to sleep next to me. Hopefully this is just a phase.

Hi E., well I am pretty much in the same situation that you are in with your daughter. I have two girls 5 years old and 10 months old. Man, I heard that girls were a lot easier. Sad to say not mine. I went through the same ting with my older daughter. All she wanted was me. It is the love and comfort that you give them, they are used to. Because you are home with your daughter most of the time, she has grown really attached. You need to give her time to play by herself. Little at a time not to put her in the other room and hear her cry. I know i can't deal with the crying either their are times where i just have to go for a ride or leave the house with the kids in the care of a responsable adult. Let them deal with her cry while you take a break about thirty minutes or so not long. Then go back and let her know you love her just play. Have you thought about leaving her with other friends or your husbands relatives for about thirty minutes or so a day so that she can get to learn that you don't always have to be by her side. Then gradually move to an hour and so on. That's what i did. and it seems to work. But for my other child not quite yet. But other than that I am sorry if i could not be any help, Good Luck!!

Hi E.! I am also a 23 year old first time mom of a nine month old son who sounds EXACTLY like your daughter. I recieved a lot of similar advice as I have read in your other responses. The only thing that worked for me was time, patience, and a very strict schedule. My son has been fussy and clingy since the day he was born. He had to be held or rocked or walked around, I thought this would go away when he started crawling. I figured he would be more able to entertain himself so I could get some things done. Now most of the time he just crawls to me wanting me to hold him and nags and nags until I do. It has gotten better though and everyday seems to be a little improved. I live on the eastside of Tucson and if you have myspace you can find me under "L." for display name. I love to shop and I'd also love to find a playmate for my son to relieve the stress a little. Let me know if this would work for you!

Well let her scream it out is what I had to do to get my son to stop wanting me to hold him! It was hard but it finally pays off. Were do u live Im in Surprise,AZ with my son who is 4 1/2 and my hubby in Iraq until june 07 so im aloe alot! You can email me at ____@____.com if you want!

E.,
I have found the less you give them attention when in a fit of rage and the calmer you are she will learn to calm down get down to her level in a nice quit voice soothe her to your best ability let her know you are not going anywhere. I know it is hard i remeber those days. I am also a stay at home mom so when you are with them all day they cant understand why you are leaving even if it just to the bathroom! You need to give her positive attention as much as possible.Every child goes through this fase so remember its not that you have a bad child or she will be this way forever, its just apart of growing up. Try to stay sane take time out for you too. even if its 5 mins gather your thoughts to keep you calm. thats what has worked for me, good luck
S.

I know it is really hard, I went through it too. You just have to put your foot down and not give in. When you put her to bed and she crys just walk out and shut the door and find something else to do for awhile. When you go back, she is controlling you!!! Same thing if you are taking a shower or doing something and you can't hold her, just shut the door and do what you need too and then when you are done calmly explain to her you need to shower or do whatever by yourself. Give her something to do so she is busy while you are busy. Tell her what you need to do and if she doesn't like it then she will throw a fit but you need to walk away! That is the biggest key. It is very tough and the crying sucks but there is no other way to show her who's boss and she knows all she has to do is to scream for a short time and you will be there. Just let her throw her fit or she will never learn. I finally had to do it and now my son is so well behaved and I can do anything. He is 4 now but I had him when I was 22 so I was in the same boat as you! I even cryed and got upset but it only took a few times and he got used to it. Hang in there and be strong!!

i know how you feel i have a 2 year old and if i leave him he freaks out. I have three older children too so i kinda remember when they were that age and i try not to let it get to me, she is going through normal behavior and you should maybe let her cry it out, if you cant handle it put her somewhere safe and walk away and let her cry, she may throw a fit, but you know that your not beating her or hurting her and it might take a few times of doing this but she will get the hang of it and she will also learn that you arent going anywhere and that she can learn to entertain herself. give her plenty to do and i know its hard but thats what worked for me

E.,

I know it is tough when you are all alone and raising a child. I have 4 daughters ages 10,6,5,4. All of them are different. I also had one that was like that. We she would start to throw a fitor tantrum I would leave her there. If it got out of control that is when you callmly tell her that it is unexpetable and that if she doesn't stop she is going to go in her room untill she does. I started that at the age of 1. When you put her down talk to her and tell her that you are not leaving her and that you are right there if she needs you. But you need to let her know that she can through the fits but you can't give attention for it. When she throuws her fits let her cry and then if she goes on for longer then you like, turn up the music and make her realize that you are not going to pick her up just because she wants to be held.

Good Luck

T.

E.-

I am very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must have been to go through, especially when pregnant. I am in almost the same boat as you. I'm 23 with my first baby, a little girl named Natalie who is just about 8 months old. I haven't quite experienced this level of separation anxiety, but maybe I can offer a little help. I would try playing peek-a-boo and other appear/disappear games. I think maybe she's just afraid that you might not come back. Many babies go through this at this age and older. They're more aware of what's going on around them and since your husband works a lot, you are her whole world. Tell her that you'll be right back, even though she doesn't fully understand you, eventually she will. Just slip around the corner and then pop up and say "peek-a-boo! See I'm still here!" Or try one of those baby carriers and strap her to you. (sling/backpack/front carrier) I have a Snugli front carrier and it is great! She'll be happy to be near you and you'll have your hands free. As for showering, if you go a day without, so what? How dirty could you really be? Take one at night after she's gone to sleep, that's usually what I do. Just try to enjoy this time as much as possible because before you know it, she'll be 16 and telling you to leave her alone and how you don't know anything! I hope this helps, at least a little.

Hi E.,
You'e doing a great job as a mama! Your daughter is totally normal. If you give here what she needs now, she will be more independent later. 8 month olds aren't supposed to be independent, and she's not trying to control you. The reason we can't stand crying is because babies cry to communicate and we instinctually need too soothe. It's what you're supposed to do. It helped me to realize that this is such a short time in our lives and we should enjoy our babies. The dirty bathroom will always be there. Soon, she'll be able to help you around the house! The book "The Continuum Concept", by Jean Leidloff really helped me to understand alot about parenting. Take care of yourself!