Help!!!! - Cape Coral, FL

My heart goes out to you ~ I was married to a man like that for almost 4yrs (never had kids with him), he was also abusive and VERY controlling. If he had his way I would have never seen my mom and family again. I found the courage to walk away, it was very hard for me but the thought of not having my family around was too much to bare for me... I could go on about it. Do you know how your daughter is feeling about all of this? You need to try to find out, if not by you but find someone who can talk to her and see what is on her mind, a friend or cousin maybe. My cousin is the one that sent a card to my mom who gave it to me and as corny as it sounds that card gave me so much strenght because for the first time in my life my cousin told me how much she loved me and how much I meant to her, My middle daughter is now named after her. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. Please keep us posted and good luck :)

C.,
My heart bleeds for you, your Husband, your Daughter and Grandson!! I am a Grandmother also and at best it is not an easy thing when the kids grow up & a man moves into their lives & your situatuon is far far from the best.
I wish that I had some magic balm to pass along but ther is none I am afraid. If your Daughter is not in prysical trouble then the solution probably rests with her. She has got to get her fill & get the guts to find a way out.
I really would suggest that you find some way to see or communicate with your Daighter. You need to be sure that she does not need your help or God fibid even more. If you can not get in touch or see her then maybe a mutual friend or acquantence.
I stress this so strongly because his actions that you talk about could well be the actions of an abuser or future abuser.
Giid luck on this & keep us posted.

S.

You need to get some literature on "abusive" relationships to give your daughter....and as sweetly, as possible talk to her about her situation.

At this point it isnt about you loosing your grand child........but possibly loosing your daughter . (and grand child)

Abusive relationships never stay the same--they "Progress" and continually get worse.....as long as she allows it to continue......

One of the first signs is they try to seperate their partner from family & friends......or any outside help. They try to make them think THEY are the ONLY one who cares about them..........

You need to make sure your daughter KNOWS you love her and are there for her ALWAYS , no matter what.......

Local hospitals usually have free literature available.

jackie

Time for an intervention if possible, She must have friends...both men and women that she knew and loved b4 she met this leach.(some close family members too) I was in a similar relationship. (not near as severe as yours) but many times I wish more than just my mom had been the one to tell me about the differences she had seen in me when I met my poison.As calm as you all can be ask her to make a list of exactly the good and bad that she sees in him and just exactly what she sees him contributing to the relationship..Let her know you love her either way and patronize her if you have to so she does not feel cornered but this has to be done.Also make sure that she sees and understands what changes everyone sees. Good luck! We young women are very stubborn. I was her age at the time I started with mine, so we're not so young in our late 20's.But I myself understand now that I (settled) just to not be alone. I realized after 2 children that I finally had to get out. 15 YEARS of my life wasted on a very selfish man,but now I'm a much better person for myself and especially for my girls.Good luck...I wish I could tell you its gonna be easy but if she won't believe family and friends ask her to do you one favor and talk to someone thats not so close to the situation. A [priest,councelor,etc)if they then agree with her tell her you all will back off and let her live her life and except him but just so all of you can feel comfortable about this.( I feel anyone in their right mind will totally be on yourside and see this man for what he is) Plead for her to do this for you because you love her and throw in the fact is thats all you'll need to get off her back,(just a play with words)since everything that you have done for her. You love her and want to make sure shes happy and safe and thats the least she can do...Patronize,patronize,patronize...I hate to be patronized but when someones eyes are so closed sometimes you have to ,to make things follow thru.Good luck and my prayers are with you her and her. M. C.

Hi I am not sure if you can call this advice or not but I am a 38 yr old daughter, with 2 children. Now I'm sure you know the old saying that you teach people how to treat you. My first question is, have you told your daughter all your concerns? Maybe tell her in a way that is out of the ordinary for you. Maybe in a letter, or even print her a copy of your request for help. Express your feelings to her without judgement or harshness, do it in total love. Your daughter MUST love, want, and/or need him for some reason right now and I feel the best thing you can do is not bad mouth him or how he treats her. Just let her know that you will ALWAYS be there for her and if what he said is true, you will accept that. But it is not fair for your grandson to suffer because of their choices. Ask if you can have a scheduled, regular, definate time with him and request holidays and special events way in advance to catch them off guard. Also, have you ever had any other problems with this guy? He seems to have major issues with you. Ask his forgiveness for any wrongs you have done to him and tell him that you would rather gain a son-in-law that lose a daughter. I know all this may seem like you are playing "door mat" but if you are doing this out of love and respect they can never use it against you. Dont give up either, keep continuous contact, if you have to write your daughter or meet her at work, and teach your grandson how to call you, so he can get you whenever he wants to. I also feel that you should definately express your hurts about mother's day, that's a big deal, and ask your daughter if you two can still celebrate it another day. We never know what tomorrow holds and should cherish every moment. Let your daughter know that you intend to do that because you love her more than anything, let her know if this is what she wants out of a relationship, then you are happy for her. And, Grandma, maybe someday you will be the one she turns to when she is over and done with this jerk of a boyfriend. Hopefully soon, huh?

Wow,,, i feel really bad for you. That is horrible. He sounds very controlling . Have you tried talking to her alone with him not around? Tell her how much this is killing you, that he is pulling her away... I would tell him where to go.. Jerk!!!!

Nothing you can do but pray for your dau. Her boyfriend is controlling and the more you are against the relationship the more she will gravitate towars him. Just be there for her when she decides she has had enough. Your dau is a grown woman and makes her choice and her own decisons.

Oh mercy! The signs are all there...your daughter is probably tired of being alone and feels this is as good as it gets but it doesn't have to be that way. Unfortunately, the more you push it the more she'll pull away. I encourage you to stay unconditional in your love and patience w/ her, I pray she gets some enlightenment soon before this man hurts her child or credit. Does she have any good friends that can carefully speak to her about him? I doubt she is happy as much as she is settling. I don't know what its like to be a single mom but I've got friends that are and the temptations there for them to make choices based on feeling lonely instead of realizing they're still worth the wait for a real man who love them and their children well. I pray God gives her wisdom and the confidence to stand up for herself.

His actions do sound like classic controlling behavior of an abusive partner. You are the best resource your daughter will have when she decides to leave, and the best safety net for your grandson. As hard as it is, please try to stay available to her (I have a feeling you are already doing this, congratulations). If you call the Spring they may be better able to advise and support you as you support your daughter and grandson. Good luck.
EMG

Wow your post reminded me of my situation until last year. I think she must have a control freak for a husband. My daughter was not allowed to call me, he would also lisen in on her conversations. He didnt allow her to have many friends. After five years she finally told him she was leaving with the children, which are both of theirs. He threw the phone at her, and then locked her outside. The children were in the house. While she was locked outside, he took the children to his mothers house, who lives behind their house. He finally left her in, only to be abusive. She didnt see the children and ran to his parents house. He shoved her down, and put bruises on her. She called the police, and he lied and said he didnt touch her, and him and his father told the police, my daughter threw the phone at him and hit him. The cops arrested my daughter for battery. We had to get an attorney, and he helped get the children back and the charges of battery were dropped to disorderly conduct. She has the children now, and he moved his girlfriend in two months after my daughter and the children moved out. I would advise your daughter to just gather important papers, and leave once he is out of the house with the kids. A controlling ex is horrible. Good luck. I hope she stays safe. Some women are frightened to leave because the man always tells them, they wont be able to see their children again. My daughters ex went out to a bar frequently but didnt allow her to go anywhere. If she went to the grocery she had to take the kids with her. Control is horrible. He even put a tape machine on the phone to lisen in on her conversations.

Hi C.;

Let me first say that I really feel for you, this situation is all too common, and I'm sorry that it has happened in your family. There isn't really anything that I can tell you that is going to change this, your daughter has to change it herself, that's the problem. He obviously knows what he's doing, and unfortunately she has fallen for it and doesn't know how to get away. Was family the most important thing to her before? Because if it was, then she's definitely going to miss it, especially around holiday's and such. Is there any way that you would be able to bribe her out of the house, with your grandson? Such as telling her you want to take her out shopping, or something like that, it's going to be hard, and I say bribing because if he takes all of the money for his self and his kids, then maybe they'll fall for it because she doesn't get anything for herself. You need to try something like this in order to get her out alone with you so that you two can have a long talk about what's really going on in her life. There are ways to make her break if she's holding something back from you, and you have to try what you can to get her to open back up to you. Guys like this can have such an impact on young women, I don't know why, but I do know that if family was her first priority before he came along, that there's hope she'll eventually see through him. A lot of times young women are scared of leaving because they feel helpless, or the man makes them feel helpless, and they don't want to leave for fear of something. You have to find out what he's got her so afraid of, why does she think he loves her so much? What has he put into her head to make her turn away from her family? Does she think that this is healthy for her son? Does she know that her son is ok, when she's not around? These are all questions that you can ask her, as her mother. You have to get her alone and communicate with her, she will come back, but your going to have to either push her and see what happens, or your going to have to let time run it's course, and let her learn from her own mistakes. The problem is that this is such a delicate situation, while on one hand you may want to give her a swift kick in the rear, and say what the hell are you thinking, on the other hand you have to be very sensitive towards her, because a lot of the time young women will defend the man that they feel they love, they don't want to lose that, and if they feel that your just trying to interfere because you don't like him for some reason, then you'll only push her farther away, and of course this is something that you don't want to happen. Basically, your going to have to figure out the best plan to talk to her, and to get her away from him for an afternoon, you know your daughter better than anyone, she's still the same girl, just trapped in this little make believe world that's he's created for her, she likes that world, and she's afraid of what would happen if she left it, but either you are going to have to help her to see the real world on the other side of her make believe window, or she's going to have to see it for herself. I sincerely hope that this helps, it's hard to give advice on something like this, because you can't see inside the lives of these people, so with that said, I really hope that you can get your daughter away from this guy, they are no good, and I'm sure she can do so much better. You're a wonderful mother and grandmother for being so concerned, and only wanting the best for them, please don't forget that. You take care, and keep us updated. If you ever need to talk you can always message me on here, take care, and good luck.

Candi

Just something else, I read what Candace said, and she is so right, that is why I keep stressing the fact that the situation is so delicate, please only ask those questions of your daughter if, and only if, you know that it won't push her further away, that's why I said to plan ahead, there's no better advice than that of someone who has been in those shoes, once again, take care.

Some would say let her be she will come around on her own time but I don't believe that cause from what your saying if he is this controling then he might get physical with her if she doesn't do what he wants and no woman should have to go through that or even put there child through that. I think that you as her mother should step up and try to first make her see that hes wrong for her and if that doesn't work then you need to take her and your grandson out of the situation. She may dislike you at first and tell you your wrong but she will eventualy see that your right and thank you for it. If my daughter ever gets into a relationship like that I know thats what I would do.You don't want her life to turn into a Lifetime movie if you know what I mean. I hope I helped in any way.
A. C.

Hi,

I don't really have any advise, but I can tell you I was in the same situation your daughter is in. I actually married the guy like this because I thought I was worthless and nobody wanted me with a 2 year old. I was 28 when I met him. I also paid for everything and was the only one working. I kept my son away from my mother.
I finally went for some counseling. I can give you the name of a great counselor in Lakeland, her name is Louise Henry. She helped me open my eyes and I finally got rid of this guy and got my life back. I know the pain you are going through, I know the pain I caused my mother. Maybe some counseling for you would be good, it may give you some ideas and ways to help your daughter that you didn't know about. Just a thought. You will be in my prayers that your daughter will wake up and see what is really going on.

Roz

C.,

I agree with waht so many have already said here. I was also in an abusive relationship, and although my mom didn't know he was abusive. I was living 2500 miles away from her at the time. When I brought him home to meet my family, she really did not like him. She also saw major changes in me including a growing lack of self confidence. I wish that my mom had told me she really did not have a good feeling about about him and would have expressed more of what she was thinking to me. Although I may have dated him a little longer, I definately would not have stayed with him as long as I did. I also think it would have made it easier to leave him. I agree with everyone that she has to know that you love her and care about her and no matter what you will be there for her. I also think it is a really good idea that you have some other people there to talk to her about this when you decide to have the conversation. If more than one person sees the same thing, it makes it harder to deny. But you have to make sure that everyone stays completely clam and comes from a place of love. You have to speak from a place of concern and not one of criticism or she will not hear you. Also, it may be good for you to research a family counselor prior to talking to her. If she is still not willing to hear you or gets very angry when you talk to her about this. Maybe you can tell her that you really love her and that your relationship is very important and you would like to see a counselor together. It might get the ball rolling and then she may be willing to go on her own. Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers.

your daughter needs to wake up and look around, as that type of person that is so controlling will sufficate her to the point she becomes a blob and a puppet. i know i had a husband like that and it took 2 years and my mother and grand mother to kick me in the butt and help open my eyes. she and your grand child are victums. she needs to talk to some one who she will listen to, unfortuantelly it is usually not the family. GOD BLESS THEM AND GOOD LUCK. GMAJ

This is tough. If you say anything to her it could drive her further away. She has to live her own life. But if I were you I would try to get her alone. Maybe lunch at work and talk with her. Find out if she is afraid of him or if he is abusing her. Tell her she has a home with you and that you are there for her. I would guess that he is abusing her and she is afraid to stand up to him as no woman in their right mind would support a man like that. If you can afford it buy her a cell phone so she can keep in touch. Buy your Grandson the things he is not getting that he needs. The best thing you can do is be there for her and make sure she knows you are there with one hundred percent no matter what her choices are. You might just be surprised......

I had a son-in-law that did just this very same thing!!! I used to get SOOOOOO MAD!!! I understand your frustration! My daughter had to see for her self that he was a LOSER. She finally got tired of supporting him. Unfortunately anytime I said something it drove her farther away, until she kicked him out and told him she was getting a divorce. When she would come to me and complain I would tell her that she had to make a decision I would not make it for her. When she did kick him out he and wanted to let him come back I told her they would have to find some place else to live because WE WERE NOT GOING TO HAVE HIM BACK IN OUR HOME!

Stop providing any financial help to her, as long as she is helping support his habits whatever they are then you will not support her. You have to put this back in her hands to make a decision. He will not change if he is like this now... he will continue to take advantage of everyone around him. They suck you dry!

My daughters ex lived with us and ate all our food was a slob and didn't care about those who lived there in the house or taking care of his own kids.

You have to practice tough love with your daughter - if you haven't already you need tell her what you are seeing. You can't control her life and at some point you have to let her live it her way. She will come back when it is all over more than likely and want to be apart of your life again.. hopefully they don't have any other kids.

Good Luck
Understanding

P.S. - I feel like I know this guy, but I know its not my daughtes ex.