Hi I'm pretty new to this, and I rarely ask anyone for help, but I want to make my marriage work, even though we aren't married.
We have been together for 3 years, and have two wonderful children. I am trying to get my question right, but I am not sure how to word it. I hate asking for help because I feel like I am a bother to everyone.
My Husband is a good man, he has a short temper, but a lot of things bother me, to me I feel like he doesn't help out with the kids enough or do any cleaning. He spends mainly all his time on WoW (a computer game) or league of legends or some other kind of game. I try to make him happy but I feel like I always make him mad or irritated.
I try to keep the house clean, I take care of our two kids, and I get everything that he asks for with no fuss. Our sexual life isn't great. It hurts real bad to do it, after our first one, our sex life dwindled and I started get pissed off about it, but I wanted another kid, so we have a wonderful baby boy. But I started getting more pissed off, then I started becoming terrified about the thought and even sexual things such as oral and all the others. I just get these horrible images of being forced and really rough actions, I guess to me he just wants it for the sex to feel good. But afterwords and sometimes during I just sob uncontrollably, and I don't know why. He asks if he asks me if he wants me to stop, but I tell him to go ahead and finish it, i know thats not how its supposed to be but i want him to atleast feel good, and I have read that initiating it or trying to have it more frequent will get things better, I have tried but I just can't it hurts so bad physically and emotionally, a lot of the times, I start to go psychotic afterwards (history of hallucinations and manic depression) and I just take a shower and I scratch my self, and I can't help it, it seems like thats the only way I can relieve stress and then I feel at peace. And it pissed me off when he saw it because then he said "ill have to find a way to punish you, because he doesnt like it when i do it.
I don't know what to do, im scared I dont feel like we are really in a relationship, I feel like I just cater to his needs, take care of the house work and kids.
I have tried talking to him about it but he kinda turns it around to how he feels and such. He says he plays games because its a stress reliever and takes his mind off of things, his grandpa has cancer, just found out, but he has been playing it all day for the past 3 days, and even staying up to play it. I don't know what to do, I don't argue with him because I don't like conflict and fighting and my mom says i deserve better but I love him and I want to stay with him no matter what, but I feel like I am breaking down I am so overwhelmed I dont know what to do.
Just any advice please. I am desperate.
You need medical attention, both physical help to deal with lingering pain issues from childbirth, as well as psychological to help work through the problems created by trauma.
Additionally, you have marriage problems that you need to deal with but until you get on track to be a healthy (physically and mentally) individual, you can't make a healthy duo either.
WHY aren't you married? The fact that you call him your husband and have children with him, but that he hasn't bothered to make it true... You don't think that's a problem?
You write that you love him... But nothing you wrote says I love him except those words. What I want to know is why you don't love YOU? What I read is that you are scared to leave him. You depend on him... That's not love. You are stronger than you think.
wow...this is why people shouldn't bring children into the world before they're ready....the ones suffering here, ultimately, are and will continue to be the kids....unless you're just a troll with nothing better to amuse yourself than this....i'm on the fence on that one....either way whichever doctor you decide to see...be sure he has a prescription pad.
Most people fall in love, get married, build a home and then start having babies, when that's something they both want and decide together that they are ready for.
Sounds like you just wanted to have babies and play house, and you did it with the first willing guy you could find.
He's clearly not ready to be a husband and father. I don't think either of you know the first thing about a healthy relationship or marriage. For your kids' sake please get some counseling so you can figure out how to get off this dysfunctional and unnatural roller coaster ride you consider a "family" and a "relationship" because it is neither :-(
It sounds to me like he is blaming you for everything and is insensitive to your needs. You have the sure outward signs of a problem - scratching is a serious form of self-harm - and his response is to punish you?
It sounds like you believe him as well, that you are the problem - you are trying to appease him, make sex good for him, thinking that cooking and cleaning are the things a good woman does.
You need a full physical check-up from a responsible doctor - take your printed question to your physician, and let the doctor know that a) sex hurts b) you break down afterwards c) you are scratching yourself to relieve pain and stress d) you are in an unhappy relationship with someone who threatens to punish you and who just plays video games because someone in his life has cancer. Your physician will check you, or refer you to a specialist, to find out why sex hurts. Your physician can refer you to a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist who accepts your insurance and who will deal with your significant issues of depression, emotional reactions after sex, willingness to stay in a mentally abusive relationship (with physical threats), and impulse to hurt yourself through the scratching. The counselor can also help you find legal representation to protect yourself financially against someone who is not your husband but who should have obligations toward the children instead of playing games for days on end.
You are miserable yet you say you want to stay with your man no matter what. That's what needs work - you are willing to raise your children with a man who harms you emotionally and physically, knowing they will grow up to be taken advantage of as well. A good counselor will help you sort things out and make some plans. You are desperate and overwhelmed - please get some help beyond what a group of on-line moms like us can do.
M. I agree with some of the people below. You should seek professional help. There is a crisis hotline that you can call and the number is ###-###-####. Call today! They can help you or point you in the right direction. It is not my job to judge you but please let these people help you. God Bless you!!!
wow. ok. Listen to me. Tonight, call a suicide line or other mental health hotline. Just look in the phone book or online, you need to talk to someone right now over the phone. Listen to their advice.
Make an appointment to see your family doctor. Print this out and take it to him/her. You are in danger of hurting yourself worse in the future if you do not get help NOW. If you don't have a doctor, go to the ER, but go soon. Tomorrow.
You cannot control his behavior. Do you trust him with the children? If so, leave him with them when you go to the doctor. Otherwise, leave them with someone who can keep them for longer than a day, in case the doctor suggests in patient care for you. I know that sounds scary, but your post is scaring me. I'm not going to lie, your first concern needs to be your own mental health, not his gaming habits.
You and your children need to move in with your mom and then you need to see a mental health professional.
B-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d
And you need to see a doctor.
My advice?
First, you need to see a doctor about why sex hurts. It may be a physical thing. If it's not you need to see a psychologist.
Second, you are NOT married. Stop calling him a husband. What man would WANT to marry you if you are keeping the house, having children, having (painful) sex, and not waiting to get married. Move out. Make him prove that he WANTS to be with you. Make him woo you. See if he's really in love with you. If he's not then MOVE on.
Don't keep lying to yourself about your relationship. you are living together, NOT married.
L.
I think both of you need to go to the doctor.
You MUST go, because sex shouldn't hurt. If it hurts, then the emotional pain builds. I know this, because I had some "minor" episodes as a tween that made sex very emotionally difficult for me. If it hurts (I'm close to menopause, so there is occasional dryness/chafing-sorry TMI), I can have minor panic attacks. My husband understands, but he knows what happened which makes it easier for him as he knows it's not his fault.
Please also ask for a referral to a therapist, because you have some issues of fear, hiding, feeling like a bother, etc. It's not healthy. I'm guessing your family dynamic growing up was that your parents acted like THEIR needs were more important than yours on a regular basis (been there), and you don't know how to take care of yourself emotionally because of this. A good therapist can help - it takes some work, but it - and YOU are worth it.
Your husband should go, because he may be suffering from depression. My husband withdrew into WoW for a while. It was fun, but it became a place to go to escape, and when the escape feeling is the primary feeling, that's not good news. He may be depressed because he's worried about you as well.
Im so glad you are reaching out, it is a very hard thing to do to open yourself up this way. Please take only what is helpful and supportive from all the responses you are getting. You are wanting what most of us want in life, to be a good mother, partner and good to yourself you are just lost on the how.
We all have a tendency to make a huge snowball of all of our problems and it becomes so big and overwhelming that we cannot deal with "it". Choose a starting point, focus on one issue at a time and I am confident you will find the way.
I wanted to add post partum depression to one of the things you need to get checked out for. Your Ob/gyn should be able to screen you for that as well as a competent counselor.
I wish you and your FAMILY the best.
This is not your husband. This is not your marriage. You don't have a marriage. You wanted children, and you had children with this man even though you weren't married to him. Even though this man asks if you want to continue with sex and you say yes, he knows that it hurts you. He does it anyway. You don't like certain sex acts and he does it anyway. You hurt yourself and you KNOW that's not normal.
Something is very wrong with you and with your relationship. You desperately need help from a doctor and a therapist. You should not be with a man right now. You should move out and establish paternity so that you can get child support, and get your life together.
Stop thinking in terms of staying with him "no matter what". That is crazy talk. You cannot be a good mother to your children when you are hurting yourself like this. A broken mother is terrible for the children. He is not acting like a father to these kids anyway.
I'm sorry to say that I don't see "supportive" messages as all that helpful to you here. You need some straight talk. You just cannot continue to live like this. Go to the gynocologist and tell the truth. Ask for a counselor referral. Do it before you hurt yourself in a way that you can't come back from it.
