Help!! - Jersey City, NJ

Can you get more awareness of his concerns (e.g., you won't return to work, too much pressure on him, you will lose sense of self). If so, can you further articulate the reasons? Can you explain it within the context of a timeframe (e.g., present it as plan for 6 or 18 months etc.).

Not knowing the financial pressure or your dynamic with your husband, I can only share my experience on a full- vs. part-time schedule.

Our children started in full-time daycare (9-6 five days/week) and then went to a part-time daycare schedule (9-5 three days a week). My husband would have stayed home with our kids. But, I really wanted to do it. So, I reduced my work schedule because we were all feeling the stress of too little time together. It seems much healtheir for our family... our weekends are no longer 85% about errrands, I can get them to lessons and ensure we have relationships with our community members. It is not without its financial pressures, but at this point, we feel it works better for us.

Good luck!

I went through this with my first child, baby-girl. I was gelous with my mil for being with her all day long, and I was trying desperatly to spend all my time off work with her. That is why I decided to take off from work 1 year and fully enjoy my baby. My husband agreed, for my sake, as opposed to yours. It was a hard year, I didn't enjoy my baby as much as I thought I would, because I was getting depressed, bored, and guilty about said feelings. With my second child, I stayed home for about two months, then I started working a few hours a day, I sent him to daycare before he turned 2, and it was great. It's just a different story with the second child. You know better by then. So, my advice to you is to press the issue as you see fit for your sake and peace of mind. I know how desperatly you love your first baby, and the whole cocktail of feelings that comes with that, but your husband doesn't. And he'll never understand how you feel, because they are different, and the bond between fathers and babies is different. But you should do whatever you think is best for you and your baby (between us, this is more about your needs than the baby's, because she would be just fine in day-care, too!), you can always go to full time jobs if it will be required. So, part-time sounds the best idea to me. You get out of the house and the mommy routine, you don't feel guilty about not making any money and you have plenty of time to enjoy your baby. If you can work that out financially, I don't understand your husband's position. Do whatever it takes so you won't feel miserable.

I agree with you. If you can manage financially to work part time it seems like a good compromise. I am a SAHM with a 2.5 year old son and another baby due in December. I am looking for a program to start him a few hours a few days a week. It is a little tough financially but in a few more years the kids will be in school and I can go back to work (first part time then full). Some days being home is hard too and I crave a little time to myself but I do feel like it is what's best for my son right now.

When I was little my mom was able to be home with me until I was in kindergarten (she watched other kids at our home for a while). When my younger sister was born she went back to work part time when my sister was 2 or 3. There may have been other factors but I feel like to this day I have a slightly better realtionship to my mom and a bit more self confidence (although my sister seems to be happy, successful and well adjusted). I also worked with many families as a social worker and I did see many young kids (toddlers up to maybe 7 or 8) who seemed to have a hard time with 40+ hours of childcare a week. I am reminded of 2 sisters who were in kindergarden and 1st grade and went to school then after school care until 6 pm. The did fine until 4:30 or 5pm but the last hour was too much and they were tired, cranky and prone to acting up (I know, this happens to lots of kids at this time of day). But these girls' situation changed and they had a parent who was home with them after school and it made a big difference.

Sometimes there is no other financial choice than putting kids in fulltime childcare and parents just have to find the best childcare they can afford. But if you have a choice and can cut down one parent's work hours (even 5 or 10 hours a week) it makes sense to do it. Obviously this is just my opinion, but I think it is worth giving up a few luxuries so yoour toddler or preschooler has more time with a parent.

Hi S., I fully agree with your wanting to be home with your child/ children. It saddens me that todays families have both parents working. I was part of the last generation who stayed home even if we were poor. My children have MY values instilled in them. You are also right that she has the rest of her life to be in school. I do not know your financial situation but these years are so important for your little girl. I hope you can convince your husband. My best, Grandma Mary

S.,

8 hours of day care/school for a 2 year old!!

That's crazy, a 2 year old needs more time with Mom/Dad.

My 3 year old just started 2 hours of pre-school, each
day and I was a little nervous about that, but he has the
confidence now, after being home since he was born..
He is doing very very well, according to the teachers.

I think you should absolutely re-think your arrangements.
IF you can afford to work part-time, and want to spend more
time with your little girl, then DO IT!!!

We are all Mom's first!!
I work full-time, my husband and his mother help with little
boy...I really wish I could work PART-TIME and spend more
time with my son!

The time goes by too quickly...

K

K

S.,

I agree with you 100% regarding having more time with your daughter. I work full time and my daughter is 19 now. I would have loved to have a few more hours with her while she was growing up. I think you should really sit down and discuss why your husband feels your daughter should be in school all day. Make him understand the importance of being with your daughter, but make it seem like he made the decision for you to work part-time.

All the best to you.

Dear S.,

I am the owner of a preschool/daycare center and I say if you do not have to work for financial reasons then I agree with you completely. Why not let your child have the best of both worlds, mommy, socialization with her peers, and the educational value of preschool. Tell your husband the first five years of a child's life are the formative years, personality, and basically who they become. Why not have their parent as the primary role model in a child's life. Studies show that the same sex parent is the greatest role model in a child's life. Why wouldn't he want that to be you. Unless you have a FANTASTIC childcare center nothing comes close to mommy's love and guidance. Believe me before I owned a center and had control of the way it was run if I had the choice I would have stayed home. I am not trying to diminish the importance of moms who need to work, and each situation is different however if given the choice I agree with you. Being a mom to me means sacrifice and that means if we can make it without the the extra income we should do what is best for our family. Some women are not cut out to stay home and in those cases I think they are better moms if they work. In your case this is what will make you happy and I think your husband is thinking with his wallet and not with his heart. Sometimes dads do not realize how torn we are when we are leaving our babies. Bottom line is this is something that is important to you and that should be enough for him. Wouldn't he much rather have a happy wife then an unhappy one. Good luck!!!

I don't understand his point, either. I kept my older child home till she started kindergarten, but sent my younger one to a local playgroup for 9 hours a week when he was 2 1/2. He needed to play with kids, and I wanted time with him, too. Then again, I was a SAHM from the minute I gave birth, with no expectation of rushing back to work.

Is your husband afraid of the smaller paycheck for part-time work?

My husband and I are in the same situation. He is a biochem Ph.D. and is just finishing his post doc. (the research version of a residency) and is looking for a real job (finally!) We have a 9 mo. and I am working full time and want to do the same thing. Drop to a lower standard of living, pay off bills, and go part time wherever he finds a job. My husband is opposed to this idea because he is scared and not sure that he can take care of the majority of the financials on his own. I have been the major earner thus far. I know he is just scared, so here is my plan. We are starting to slowly drop things that we don't need, the big cable package we have, eating out for lunch, etc. and we are cutting back. I think that if I can do it slowly he will not notice it as much and will see that a little here and a little there does add up. We have several months until he finds a job so between now and then we are cutting back. The plan is to stay part time and then home full time while baby #2 and who knows from there when I will start back part time and then full time once they are in school. To answer your question, no, I don't think men feel the pull. It is a pull that is so strong that as I pull against it every day, it exhausts me. I understand that I have to transition, but I am looking forward to the day when I can stop pulling back.

hi S.;

obviously most everyone will agree w you; i for one think you are being more than fair to your husband; you're not saying you won't work at all, you're saying you are willing to compromise and do with less because you are the mother and the adult and the most important person in your daughter's life. i applaud you for taking this stance.

i am a SAHM of a 3 yo boy and 19 mo girl and tho we are hanging in there financially, i would say not quite struggling but not comfortable either, i still would not have this any other way. we do without a lot to pay for my son's preschool which he attends 6 hrs a day 4 days a week. in his case, it's really necesary. he is a fireball of energy and curiosity and he desperately needs other adults and children his age to interact with; but i am home with my daughter full time and it's perfect for her. when she is 2 she will start playschool for 3 hours 3 times a week so i can start my work from home again in small doses.

this is obviously a very common kind of combination that i am describing and that others are describing to you. maybe what you could do is print out these responses and show your husband that many families are working out these same priorities and questions. that's the compassionate route. and try not to fight with him about it, take a more laid back approach; i find with my husband that as soon as i start insisting on something i disagree with him about, he shuts down and the issue remains unresolved, whereas if i offer bits of my thoughts at a time and give him a chance to consider it all, he is much more likely, in fact will always, come around.

i don't like treating men like babies, i'm against it; but we have to swim in the rivers in which we live, and if our husbands balk at our decisions, we do better to help them transition to the changes we know are best, rather than get into a power struggle. i do think, and some moms will agree and others will not, that when we become the mothers, we really have to take total responsibility for the entire family. when husbands are not home they are simply out of touch with the needs of the children. they can not know what is best because they don't have the experience, so it's up to us to really be the bigger adults, focus on the priorities, and get everyone to get in line comfortably.

i think your place is with your daughter as much as you feel you can be there, i really support and agree with what you want to do. unless your husband is really being excessively forceful, it sounds like you just need to discuss this with him more, and find diplomatic ways to make it clear to him that you plan to make this change with his blessing or without it. it's okay that he's wrong, he can't be expected to know or understand everything. but you're going to have to take the next step. YOU CAN DO IT. it will be worth it even if he kicks and screams, at first, he will eventually see that it's for the best.

good luck
J.