Help - Hollywood,FL

Hmm. It is a all about me stage. Would you consider a pre-school 3x a week. I had tried 2x a week and it wasn't enough as the times prior & between were exhausting for us with tantrums etc. She needs to be around peers & learning at this age. Plus, it will give you both a break from each other. You can pair it with time for just the "big" girls time out - to a park, ice cream or something. She doesn't want to share you with anyone at this age. Good luck. (I would actually go straight to 5 but I know its hard to convince Daddy) (Been there, done that till I left him with my child everyday for a couple of days and he got to see what I was trying to express.)

I do agree with trying day care. However, that trick of finding things for them to do while mom is on the phone never worked for me or anyone I know. True, stay at home moms have double the work, we dont get paid and we dont get lunch breaks. BOY! I tell everyone that I used to work less at my office than at home. Quitting my 10+ year job wasnt an easy decision. But everything that I have experienced with my little one has no price!. SO, now he is 18 months and we have enrolled him at a day care. I was very reluctant to do so, after all I resigned my position to be with him, but let me tell you, it works absolutely fine for both of us. Not only it has helped him to be more disciplined, but it gives me more time for myself and for doing things at home that otherwise I would not be able to do if my son were here. It has also helped him to interact better with other children, plus, he will be more ready when it is time to start kindergarten. Hope this helps.

First, I think some of the earlier posts gave good input. Get them and yourself on a good schedule. That doesn't mean you have to schedule tons of activity, just a basic schedule. Make it suite your family's needs and desires. Something like an hour getting up and ready in the morning, have breakfast together, play for an hour, put on TV for 1/2 hour while you get a bit of work done, let kids play in their room for an hour while you work on other stuff, make lunch, go to a playground (weather permitting) eat then you and kids run off some energy, run errands with the kids unless someone agrees to watch them while you go yourself, go home put kids down for a rest (even if they won't go to sleep), work on the house, dinner, read a book or take a nap yourself while they are napping, after they wake up play a game with them, do an activity, or work on educational stuff for about an hour, have dinner, then start winding down for the night with a regular nighttime routine. It can be whatever suits you, but keeping a regular schedule can help move things along, avoid the trouble of figuring out what to do next and finding the time to do what is needed, get the kids used to a given set of events, and limit some of the tantrums you talked about.

A daycare for 1/2 days even if only a couple days/week can be a big boost. It allows great social time for the kids, and they get more used to playing with others because they are around lots of kids on a regular schedule with people directing activities. The time they are away gives you a perfect time to relax for a while, get some work done, take a breather, and maybe even enjoy your own time for a while. Just be sure to do your homework and find a preschool reasonably priced with a good environment, good teachers, and a good schedule. The preschools are really no more expensive then just daycare, and most daycares operate like preschools anyway, even if they aren't labeled as such. Visit them a couple times before deciding, and make sure you bring the child at least once so you can get a good idea of how they feel about each one. I let my daughter help me decide on a facility by asking her which ones she liked and why she liked them. I had to turn down one because it didn't seem safe, and another cause it was too far, but we both agreed on 2 facilities and ended up deciding on the one with a more flexible schedule.

I deal with the TV issue myself. I usually just decide for myself when my kids ask, if I want it on or not, based on how long, what we are doing or getting ready to do, and how much has already been watched. If my son had his way it would be on all the time, but I don't allow that. I don't care if he has a tantrum, once I say no, that's it. Don't say no and then change your mind because she's crying, begging, or screaming. That will encourage her to do it every time you don't go along with what she wants. Sometimes I cut out TV all together just to get them used to not having it for a while, and it starts off with lots of whining but it ends up more peaceful, and we do more together. There is a set of programs I like to put on some nights that helps my kids get to sleep and that is the night time programs on Baby First TV. They play soft music while putting calming pictures on the screen, I even use it myself sometimes to help me get to sleep. It doesn't start that early so I record some of it for the kids to get to sleep at a good hour.

The trouble with the fighting, crying, and nagging is that it is perfectly normal for little ones. They will do that even if you are a perfect parent, and quite frankly, no one is perfect. Trying to appease and entertain them to avoid these things doesn't work, and probably makes it worse because it puts the little ones in charge instead of the other way around. That doesn't mean you need to require them to only do what you want, but there needs to be some give and take. Keep them involved in decisions that involve them, but make sure you have your own input too. The entire family has needs that must be met, not just the kids, and not just the parents. Try to include them while still including mommy's and daddy's needs. Doing activity together is good for the family, and their development, but it shouldn't be done with the goal of entertaining the kids to avoid tantrums and fighting. It should be done with the goal of having fun, and having an active involved family life. The kids will inevitably fight, because that's one way they deal with their frustrations. Rather than trying to avoid all fighting and tantrums maybe it would be better to allow them to fight once in a while, but try to guide them to work things out. Don't give to much guidance, just little nudges like saying "I see you are having some trouble, is there a way you can work on it with ..., what can you do to....how can she..." just little interjections when they get stuck, but only enough to aim them in the right direction. This allows them to learn how to deal with their problems, and to compromise, rather than making them into your problems to solve for them. Another thing to try is giving them little lessons on anger management, like taking a few slow breaths, counting, squeezing a squishy ball, walking away from the problem for a while, doing something else that isn't so frustrating, or taking a time out. I don't mean the traditional time out in a chair or corner. I have an area in one rarely used room that I let my kids set up with a couple bean bags, blankets, pillows, and books, that is their quite area where they go when they want a little time for themselves, that is what I mean buy time out. The only problem they have had with it is that some times one of them wants to be there buy themselves, but the other ones wants to be there too. Usually it works well, sometimes they even sit there together and look at books together, which is truly a godsend.

Oh one other thing. With the housework, I find it very helpful to involve my kids. I usually give them a very simple task that won't be a bigee if they mess up, like putting dishes in the rack, or wiping down the table with a sponge or rag. If I have them do something a little easier to mess up, I just give them more guidance. They don't always give a lot of help, sometimes they barely help at all, but what this does is teach them how to be productive and helpful, while keeping them from making more messes while you are cleaning. So even if they don't do much, they are not causing a hurricane behind you while you clean.

I hope that wasn't too much, and I hope it is helpful. Good luck to you, and remember not to be too hard on yourself. The house doesn't have to be perfect, the kids don't have to be perfect, and the mommy and daddy don't have to be perfect either. Just as long as you keep things safe and fairly comfortable, make sure there are clean dishes and clothes, and healthy food, you and your family should be fine.

I was a SAHM for 4 years. Since you are asking, my advice is as follows:

1. Stick to a routine. This is critical.

2. Put the movies away and well out of sight. As the old adage goes "out of sight, out of mind".

3. I know your kids are little, but they can still learn to help. Have them help you make beds, dust, pick up toys, etc. MAKE it fun with charts and what not. Sing songs or play fun music (doesn't have to be "kiddie" music ...) to make the time fly.

4. Housework in the morning and fun in the afternoon. The BEST advice my grandma ever gave me about being a SAHM with toddlers. We would get the housekeeping matters done in the morning and then plan a trip to the park or fun stuff at home in the afternoon. My kids are 10 & 13 now and we still do this ... work first, then enjoy our free time afterward. We can't have fun until the work is done.

5. The way you worded it, it makes it seem as if you did NOT want to be a SAHM and that your hubby decided you would stay home or strongly influenced your decision. You may need to deal with this issue as well as you seem to have some strong resentment toward him for this. THIS is what is likely straining your relationship even more than the nagging 3 yr old. Make peace with your decision or change your situation by going back to a part-time job (and part-time childcare), if that is economically feasible ... you may enjoy your time at home if it is YOUR decision to stay there & not his.

The kids thrive on routines and they will complain when they are first instituted. That's okay!!! You're the mommy, so be firm and calm and they WILL get with the program before you know it.

God's blessings!

First, kids will be kids, and your free time went right out the window. But don't worry...
Second, You need to establish some clear boundries. Children need to understand respect from a very early age. Its hard to teach them when they are older. Remember you are the adult, do not let a child run your life!
Lastly, make chores a game! Kids love games and it really helped me with my kids. I am a mom of 3 AND I work full time. I do everything a stay at home mom has to do and put in a 40 hour week, so I understand the value of time. Teach matching skills by matching socks when doing laundry. You can also use laundry to teach colors. My youngest LOVES to dust using one of those Swiffer dusters. She may not do the best job, but she feels grown up and it keeps her busy. You have more time than you realize, you just have to be creative!

NOBODY is perfect! That is what I tell myself to stop pressuring myself to be the best mom, the best wife, the best caretaker, the best home maker. You are the mom, you are the adult...your daughter learns from you and takes what you give her. Talk to her, keep calm and be consistent in everything. Repeat, repeat, repeat. She will eventually learn that she can't get away with everything with you. She's learning that she can get what she wants by nagging. Eventhough she's 3 she understands your bodylanguage and tone of voice. Maintain control and tell her how you feel, give her an option and keep your word. You are raising her; she's not raising you. Give her small chores in the house make them fun. Activity...keep her busy. TV time is a bonus if she spends time on chores with you and watch a show together...give yourself that time with her as well...she wants attention. My husband also defends my daughter and it is a constant struggle to maintain discipline. So, what I do is maintain discipline as I see fit and am consistent. You're husband will eventually come around. My husband is "Super Macho" and he's finally coming around...I can't believe I'm saying this. You have to maintain consistency with him as well. Talk to him and tell him you're trying new ways to discipline. We have to do this now or she'll be out of control as a teenager. It's working for me. I also assure that my 2 year old respects my husband when she tries to throw her tantrums...he's starting to see this as a team thing. Baby steps, repetition, consistency and remember...don't pressure yourself to be perfect. We see perfection everywhere but don't realize that it is just one characteristic of several persons that we would like to bunch into ourselves. That's too much. Do your best. I watch Supernanny or Nanny 911 on television. Supernanny gives a lot of awesome advice.

Hi M..

I have been where you are and what helped was finding a good program (they are not terribly expensive) that you can send her to like 2 to 3 days a week from say 9am to 12noon or 1pm. This way you can run any errands and do any chores while your 3 year old is away (making friends and learning socialization skills)and your 13 month old is napping. This was the only way that I could stay sane when my very active boys (now 10yrs. and 7yrs.) were younger. On the days that she is home, you can all go to the park, go to the children's museum or go on a playdate with one or more of her new friends from school. Worked wonders for me and I hope it works for you. Good luck

M.,
I know how frustrated you must be. My oldest daughter was very strong-willed. It was very difficult. First of all, as you know, you have to set the rules. Tell them when they will watch t.v. - 1 hour in the morning and 1 hour after naptime. Or whatever you choose. Have them help you with the chores. The 3 year old can do alot of things with you. The 13 month can help pick up toys. Make it a game. Also, set the rules when you run errands. Try to run the errands in the morning and keep a regular afternoon nap time. If the 3 year old acts well at the grocery, then you'll do something special that afternoon - like play a game with Mommy or go to the park. If she throws a fit in the grocery, then you will take away a priviledge or toy. It will take a while, but pick your battles. It is very important that you are the boss now. It only gets more difficult as they get older. I always said 3's were the hardest because that is when the attitude kicks in.

It might also be helpful to get into a mom's group so that they have other kids to play with and you get some adult time.

Hang in there! Take it one day at a time and don't give up!
I'm a mom of 4 and I'm still taking it one day at a time and picking my battles. :)

I know what you're going through, Of my 3 children, one was like yours. She is no doubt going to grow up to be very intelligent. You are doing well giving her many activities. As she is only 3, she has a short attention span, and tires rapidly of all the activities you give her. It is so good you don't let her sit in front of the TV all day long. There are some great educational programs now, but don't give in to TV too much, choose her programs. Daddy's like their little girls and always are ready to take their side instead of Mom's. This is very frustrating, I know. Maybe you can have a "forget all about it attitude", because Dad's are Silly Putty in the hands of their girl babies! Be content that he cares, because some don't and THAT is a bigger problem for everyone! Be happy having a guy who loves his children. I hope I have made you feel better, and I hope you find peace in knowing things will get better as she gets older. God bless you all! B. Ann

Dear M. M,

It seems to me that you need to decide who is in control. As demanding as a child can be and believe me I know how they are, I have 5 children from 11 years to 12 months, you are the parent and have to be sure that your daughter understands that. It will be very difficult at first, and her behavior will seem to get worse, but you cannot give in. You might have to set some time aside for a week or two and decide not to do anything other than deal with her till she gets it. When you tell her no TV for example, no matter how much she cries or whines for it and even if she throws herself on the floor and demands it, you must keep you resolve and do not give in. If you give in to her tantrum you are just letting her know that if she tries hard enough she will win. That goes for anything that you say, if you are on the phone and she is having a tantrum, excuse yourself from the conversation, calmly tell her that mommy is on the phone and you will help her when you are finished. if she has a tantrum put her in another room till you are done. then go in and tell her that you are finished on the phone and are ready to help her. It will get worse at first because she will try harder to get what she wants, but if you stay firm she will eventually come to understand the rules. It is very important for you to create structure for her. Children want structure and will respond to it. A big part of your success however will be to get your husband to support you in your efforts. If he does not support you then no matter what you try she will know that she can go to Daddy and he will do what she wants. I really hope that this helps. i am sorry if i sound harsh, but my experience has shown that it works.

Some books to try: Kids are worth it, by Barbara Colloroso
How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Good luck

i am a Stay at home mom of 5 children 3 girls 2 boys age 11,9,7,3 & 1

Hello. I have a 3 1/2 yr. old son and 8 year old daughter. I have read a great book called Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. It offers great ways to speak to your child using love and self and control. It works for us, most of the time!

Dear M., first of all let me say I feel your pain! I have two boys age 8 and 12, when my second son was born I was so scared that my "spoiled" 3.5 year old would take all of my attention and I would have nothing left for the baby forget the housework and errands!
I found that routine was my best ally. Make a schedule and stick to it. Young children thrive on schedules because they feel a sort of empowerment knowing what is coming next. Save your phone calls for nap time or a scheduled "quiet time" when your daughter is sleeping or involved in her own "quiet time" activities.
Next buy your toddler a toy vaccuum. Give her her own dusting cloth. Make her feel that you need her help. Little girls love to be "Mommies Big Helper", so do little boys. It will be hard at first but once your angels are used to it, (2-3 weeks maybe) your life will be much easier.
Most importantly though, remember that children grow up fast. Don't blink your eyes too often because before you know it your new baby will be in school all day. As long as your bathrooms and kitchen are clean, house work can wait! Play with your kids as much as you can, one day they may not want you to anymore.

oh mama!
you have a tough situation on your hands!

YOU are the Mother and YOU are the BOSS.
Please read Magic 1-2-3
I know it's easy to 'just' tell you to read a book, but really at this point you cleary are asking for some help.
In my opinion you need to get control back. Personally I would NOT let my little ones watch so much tv- I don't.

I would look into activities at the local Parks and get them outside and active. Wear them out! Then try & get a little something done at nap time (if your 3 yr old doesn't nap, well then I'd make it REST time. you have to get strong and make it so...not an easy task. little by little.)

I'm sure you'll be getting similar responses from others...

One more thing: try & find a teenage girl to play woth one or both of the children for a few hours a week. Find her from a neighbor, your church, the local park, wherever! This should be an inexpensive way for you to get some peace of mind. Don't LEAVE them alone, you be home doing what you need to do, but she will be there to play, do activities, etc, rather than that brain-drain (T.V.)...

Hang in there!

~L.

Your daughter seems to be demanding your whole, absolute attention; probable answering to the baby in the family. Try to get her to help you with the baby, by asking her to get you the diaper when she needs changing, fetching a spoon to feed her, that sort of thing. As she is a little more than a baby herself, sit her on your lap while you comb her hair or when you read (or try to. And hug her a lot!

I absolutely agree with Michelle. Being a natural mommie, means being a natural human being, so it's OK. With my kids when they nag, or have tantrums, I just look at them and firmly say "That's not the way I like it" and totally ignore them, by now after four kids I've develop turning something off in my brain (and really ignore them). When they tire (which might take a loooong time) they usually come in a nicer way. Of course sometimes they just try to draw attention throwing things and then you have to go to time out. Anyways, patience, patience, patience. Hope this serves for something.
yecy

I don't agree w/ putting the 3 yr. old in daycare. That will not help you to deal w/ the problem, it will just be dumped on someone else.
I 2nd the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. You can find it at your local library too. Great book.

Have you tried enrolling your daughter in a daycare? It could be a prt time program in which she is only there until 12:00 or maybe three times a week. This will give you time to do chores/errands and will give her the socialization and a routine with activities designed for kids her age. I am a big advocate of daycare/preschool. Kids need it and parents get a break!

Your son needs a rutine, the most important and easy to you is make a list of things you can do together. Ex: early in the morning take a shower let him have fun and play in the shower be with him always, put some music or sing favorites songs together, then try to go to the play ground whith healthy snacs use bike, strolles whtever better for you, all this may be beetween 8 am and come back home at 11:00 yuor son will be tired and specially happy because his mom spend valuable time with them.
I have 3 boys, 9-8 and 7 when they were little i use to go to the paly ground almost every day or some times in my back yard we do a pic nick with tent, blanquets any way use your imagination thre is a lot to do and the mos important is show your kids that mom has time for them after all tell both: now mami has to cook, talkby phone etc whatever you need to do they will understand, but, anly if you ceate a rutine.
Hope this help you.

I know what it is like to stay at home all day with two kids. I have 3 girls and 2 grandchildren and a very ill mother, I know how you feel. First, you have to talk to dad, he works all day and has no idea what babies can do to us. Have you considered putting the 3 yearold in Head Start?, that would give you a time-out so you can relax and do whatever you want to do. Then you can start showing her that you are the adult and that you have rules that must be obeyed. I really hope that you can change her attitude, because she is only a baby and the adult is you. God Bless You, E.

Hi there I'm going to say this as nicely as I can. (I have 4 kids) You are home with her Not Daddy you can NOT let her run all over you if you let her do it now what will she be like when she's 16 and wants that car that you can't get her?
Put Foot to A*s

R.

I hear your message and it sounds like my day too. I have a 6 year old, she is in school, and a 3 year old and 2 year old. They are at home with me and it is the hardest job EVER! I understand what you go through, they fight a lot too. I find what works for me is being consistent with acceptable behavior and lots of time outs. It is hard, but it can be done. Also, i gave up trying to be this perfect mom with the perfectly clean house etc. When i dedicate myself to them, I find they are a lot more pleasant. I go for lots of walks around the neighborhood, and make an effort to take them out. When they get teir fair share of quality time they tend (not always) to behave better at home. There is no clear cut answer and it is never perfect, but keeping your self sane and relaxed will make your job much easier. Talk with your friends, take some time for you, and you will be better prepared for your challenging day at home. I am here if you need to talk, but you are not alone.

Have you tried a written schedule on a big board that shows times and activities that would be done at those times. For example if they wake up at 7 start the times there and mark on the schedule what they are doing at that time and for how long.
7-8 while you get their breakfast ready they may watch something on the TV. You can have
stickers to put next to that task if they are able to achieve that task. But the rules have
to be that while you are getting their breakfast and even drinking your coffee, they
are not allowed to interrupt you. If they can follow that they will earn a sticker in that
box.
8-9 could be play time. Have a desiginated area with toys already set up, even coloring, etc. They are to use this time to explore and learn. again if they abide by this rule without interrupting you and what you are doing they will earn another sticker in the schedule box

Do you get the pattern? You can set up the schedule for any amount of time incriments and whatever activity you choose. Some ideas are book time, outdoor time, snack time, nap time, etc.
You have to be firm and make it exciting to earn their stickers. Have a goal for them to reach. If they receive a certain number of stickers they get to do something special. Go the park, have special play date with someone, or even receive a special toy. I

It is important to you stay on the schedule, include on the schedule running an errand and they can earn a sticker for their behavior while on the errand with you. Your phone time is also on that can be on the schedule and if your daughter acts out she won't receive a sticker. They can also lose a sticker if they are not following the rules, but it works better if you focus on positive reinforcement and not negative. i know it probably sounds to regimented, but I am a teacher and it works in the classroom. Eventually you will see they won't need that schedule after they understand how important it is to follow directions. Please keep me posted on the progress if you choose to do something like this. Good Luck :)

You need to set up boundaries immediately. Your daughter needs to understand about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors. Set up your rules and stick to them. No exceptions! Children need and desperatley want guidance, and we as parents must step up to the plate and give it to them. Good luck to you. Try to google help with behavior and there are some good sites to assist you. Good luck!
D. G.

Loving our children will never mean leaving them manipulate us or do whatever they are pleased to. Even though your baby is still young she needs to learn that the whole world does not function around her only. If she's that smart, means she's very intelligent, so maybe you can get some type of educational games that she may use and that don't are that easy. What I mean is something for older kids. Sometimes playing with dolls becomes boring. She is ready to learn colors, letters, short sounds and who knows, maybe to read. So try to get something that she can do alone and that will be hard enough to keep her busy for a while. If daddy defends his baby is normal, but it NEVER should be done in front of her. This will be worst for everyone.

Do you know of any friends that also have a child that is about your three year old's age and that would like to exchange (goodtime)days with you, say once a week? You would let your 3 yr old stay with their friend for apx 3 hours one week and then let the little friend stay with you for apx 3 hours either the same week or alternate week. When they have someone their own age to go and have special time and activities with they have something to look forward to and are mentally stimulated. Make it a fun time.
If not, is there a church nursery daycare that you could use maybe 2 or 3 half days a week where your 3 yr old could spend some time with other children?

Try enrolling your 3 year old in a day care program

HI M.

you're not alone. I have a 4 yr old and a 10 mos old. I am also a stay at home mom with errands to run, a house to clean, meals to prepare, laundry to do and children to entertain. I know exactly how you feel. Where are you in all this? You feel guilty from the moment you get up? The day hasn't started and you're already defeated, right? Listen, I came to my senses and I had to put the oldest in preschool in the mornings. I wanted to homeschool but forget it, I couldn't so instead of disciplining all day and stressing out about what's not done, I put ihim in school and organized myself (very important) so that's the rest of the day would be just fun with the kids. Guess what? A lot less stress on everyone, therefore I discipline a lot less.
Also, (I may be wrong but...) if you are forced to be at home and it's not in your heart, go back to work. When mommy is happy, everybody is happy.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Steph

Dear M.,

Your daughter needs to interact with other kids. The BEST advice I would suggest for you, is to put her in a day care center program, even if it's for 3 or 4 hours a day.
She will hate it at first, but in the long run she will be happy and you will too. I have twins and at 3 is when I put them in day care. They hated it at first, but in the long run , they loved it.

Sincerely,

G.

I was a stay home mom myself and it's a preasure that someone that hasn't been in the situation is unable to understand. As woman we are thaught that to be a good mom and wife everything has to be perfect. Dinner ready, kids bathed, house clean and a good mood when Daddy arrive is a must. But reality is that trying to acomplish what we perceive as our obligation we tend to demand too much of ourselves. The house don't need to be impecable, and laundry can wait a while. You need to take care of yourself, to take time for you. Ask your husband for help. It is too much. Raising two children as a full time mom is a full time with daily overtime. Your husband needs to understand that eventhough you don't receive a salary for your labor, it is as exhausting or more than his. Yours is even worse, when he get out of the workplace he can have some peace of mind, a rest from his work obligations but for you it is 24/7. Strain in you marriage will get worse if you don't get clear with your husband and make him part of the active raising of the kids. Teach your kids also that mommy needs some time for herself. If you are on the phone they need to respect that, make clear the rights of everybody and eventhough you love your kids more than anything else you need not to forget about loving you the same way. Good Luck.

It sounds like your 3yr old is ready for "more adventure." She sounds like she is bored at home. Have you tried gymboree, or any other kind of classes. And by the way she could be "asking" for more interactions, like with peers in a daycare center for a couple of hours, two or three days a week. It will also give you a well deserved break! Also try leaving your husband at home with her for, say, more than six hours straight! Then ask him or just observe his tolerance levels. That worked wonders for me!!!