M.P.
As I read this I thought you were talking about an older child. Your description fits the actions of this age. Lighten up. Smile! Parenting is the most difficult job one can have. You're making life even more difficult than it needs to be. You cannot prevent difficulties happening when she's a teen by treating her as a teen, expecting behavior from a young child that she is not able to do.
It also sounds to me that the two of you are involved in a power struggle. With so much that you disapprove of and your anger at her :disobedience" you can expect a power struggle. Preschoolers need a some autonomy. This is at the age that they are learning to be independent. It's up to parents to supervise their efforts. It's also up to us to have reasonable expectations, allow them to explore, and give them lots of approval.
A face that says, "make me" is unpleasant but nothing to be upset about. She is a preschooler. We can expect a teen to "wipe that look off their face." By punishing her for showing her feelings you are teaching her to "go underground" with her feelings. You want to know what she's feeling so that you can validate them and if the way she expresses them in inappropriate to teach her what she can do with the way she feels. When you acknowledge that "make me" look perhaps by saying "I know you don't want to do this and that's OK. But you do still have to do it." Have you considered that you are responding to her challenge when you let her expression upset you?
It's the sense of not having their feelings validated and the parents' unreasonable expectation to be in total control that causes many teens to rebel. We teach respect by showing respect. Allowing negative feelings as well has happy ones is part of showing respect. We can prevent some teen difficulties when our children are young by sowing them respect.
Toddlers and preschoolers are at a different developmental level than preteens and teens. When you focus on preventing teen behavior you're missing out on teaching them preschool behavior. Preschoolers are in constant motion. They get into everything. They're learning on the fast track. To avoid the power struggle put things, such as your chrochet bag, out of her reach. Have a couple of drawers and a closet that she can get into. Put locks on the others. Play with her and model the behavior you want her to learn and show her the things that she can do. Above all focus on what is right with your daughter. Build her confidence by showing your confidence in her.
You can have confidence if you have reasonable expectations based on her developmental level. Get a book about child development and what you can expect from a preschooler. Read the chapters on discipline and power struggles. Learn how to relate with her on her level.
When you put her on the mat in a time out, how long do you expect her to stay there? It sounds like it's for hours. It should be no longer than 1 minute for each year in age. You are fortunate that she goes to the mat and stays there for any period time. If she says she's there because she's tired agree with her. The goal is to teach her appropriate behavior. She may very well be tired. When you allow her to say she's tired she may eventually put together being tired with misbehaving and thus be better able to correct her own behavior. Isn't that the goal of parenting? When you put her in time out calmly tell her why she's there. When the short period of time is over give her a hug and tell her you know that she will learn how to behave.
A preschooler cannot sit quietly indefinately on a mat witout something to occupy their minds. Their attention span is very short. Within a few minutes she won't remember why she's there. She will probably be angry that she has to stay there.
Babies are born with a basic brain. As they explore and try new things they build more nerves and connections. The exploring and trying new things is what enables babies and children to develop into a smart child. If she is prevented from exploring and mostly told not to get into things her brain will not develop as well as it would have if she were given more opportunities. That doesn't mean that you let her cut up your pattern. It does mean that you provide appropriate experiences that enable her to learn and grow.
An aside comment: When I was a preschooler I cut a dress out for my doll from the middle of a new piece of fabric. My grandmother explained why I shouldn't have done that. She didn't punish me. She did tell me that when I wanted to make a dress to ask her for help. I still remember that lesson and the sense of being capable it gave me.
If your goal is to teach your daughter what she can do as well as separate her from temptation put her in a child proof room with toys, perhaps music and books. Does she have a space her very own where she can play with the toys she wants to play with in the way she'd like to play with them? Distraction is an effective discipline.
Give her a couple of drawers and a closet tht she can get into. Put a lock on those you don't want her getting into. She's a very young child with a short attention span who is driven by her biology to explore and learn. Set up your space so that she can do that.
About not being able to trust her to stay in her bed and nap. You cannot make her go to sleep. This may be a part of what has caused the power struggle. Several books recomend and mothers on this site allow their children to play quietly in their room. This gives them a rest and often when they need the sleep they fall asleep on the floor. Insisting that she stay in bed without any distractions and fall asleep is a battle you'll lose.
She is from another country? How long has she been with you? Could some of her behavior be related to her cultural background? Some cultural expectations are passed down thru the generations without most of us being aware of it happening.
You said that you've recently moved and you understand her being upset. Are you simpathizing or comiserating with her? Are you letting her know that you know a move is difficult? And are you doing anything new with this move to help her become more used to it?
All children need lots of loving attention. Most need frequent loving touches. Some need more than others. EVen tho it's a difficult task it is our job as parents to learn how to provide what the child needs and how to fit those needs in with our own needs.
Your message sounds like you're really tough on your daughter, have little patience with her childish ways and are also loosing patience with your husband. A tense environment makes it more difficult for a child to learn and for a parent to have patience.
I sympathize with you. It sounds like you've taken on motherhood before doing the necessary reading and learning to deal with a child. Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs there are but yet we as a society do not provide training for the job. We assume that parenting just comes naturally. It doesn't!
Your daughter sounds like a normal child doing the normal things. It also sounds like you don't want to hear that. And yes, people laugh but it's not at you. It's a laugh of understanding because they've been there. It may also be a laugh because they don't know what else to say. You needn't take it personally. Know that you are doing the best that you can with the information you have at the moment. You are also handicapped by your age. The older we get the less patience we have and the more set in our expectations become. I was 46 when I adopted and found out I had to work harder on being patient than I did at 36. At 66 I know that I have less endurance and less ability to juggle several things at once. There is a reason our bodies are most productive when we're young. I commend you for taking on this task and giving this child a better life.