Heartbroken...

A good marriage is not something we know how to have by instinct. It can take a great deal of effort and sometimes we have to learn new things to get it to work the way it should.

It's sad that you don't think that you can stay married to your husband and have your own life at the same time. It's quite possible that is true, but have you at least tried to go to counseling to save your marriage first? When we're in a place where everything seems dark, it's very hard to objectively see what part we play in our current situation. Having a "mediator", or someone not connected to either party emotionally, can help you learn how to make your marriage better. Even if your husband won't go, you can make significant improvements in your life by going on your own.

It's quite possible after going to a counselor you find that a good marriage with your current husband isn't going to be a reality, but, in good conscience, and for your child, you should exhaust every possible effort to make sure your marriage is not salvageable before you take that fork in the road.

I personally feel my marriage is the most important aspect of my life besides my relationship with God. My relationship with my husband affects everything about me. It affects my kids, my work, my relationships with others, and even how I see myself. My marriage doesn't define who I am, but it can definitely affect how I define myself. I put into my marriage exactly what I think it is worth, which is everything. There is no amount of money I wouldn't spend nor amount of effort I wouldn't expend to save my marriage if the time came to make that choice. Now, I know there are always going to be situations where no amount of counseling or extra work can save a marriage if both people aren't committed to it, but before you make that call, my advice is to make absolutely sure you do everything you can before you throw your marriage away.

Many people are so quick to give up on a "bad" marriage because it's easy, and let's face it, we're a society of very self-absorbed people. We tend to believe our happiness is the bottom line. But you have a child this will affect, and if there is any way for you to be happy in your marriage, you should try to do that before you give up.

I was just about at my wits end shortly after I was married to my husband and broke down and went to a marriage counselor. My husband also agreed to go and after about a year, we were able to learn some new techniques on how to deal with our differences and gain a better understanding of our relationship and we've now been married 15 1/2 years and going stronger than ever.

It's true that you cannot change another person, so if you're husband does not want your marriage to get better, you may decide it's best to leave in the end. But on the slim chance that counseling could help your situation, particularly knowing it will at the very least help you get into a better place emotionally, please try it first.

Blessings,
N.

I am sad for you and this situation but... I don’t get it, I always read through peoples previous postings to get a good idea of where they are coming from. In the past year you have written about leaving your husband 3 times. You have never offered advice or support to anyone else on Mammasource and have frankly never said anything positive about your husband or child.

Just leave if you are that miserable… Sorry to sound like that but I don’t understand what you are expecting from this community of Mammas, you have already received feedback on this topic twice.

Oh my goodness. That is such a difficult situation and desicion to make. Only you can make this decision. I do not believe divorce will bring peace and joy like you are looking for, though. through divorce comes lots of difficult times, pain, and money, especially with a child involved.

I suggest marriage counceling before making the final decision. After a decade of marriage, I would hate to see you two just end it without seeking help in some way.

Have you ever seen the movie Fireproof? This is an excelent movie that has restored my and my hubbies love for one another.

B.

I am reading Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs and it is making me see my marriage in a whole new way! The feelings you are describing are normal and are in this book. If you want to try to make it work, this book is amazing and works miracles as you begin to apply it to your life. You can read it by yourself first and then if your husband is willing, do the study with him. I also reccommend the workbook that goes along with the book. My prayers are with you.

Do what is right for you and your child. Quit feeling sorry for him. He is able to make choices. He can seek help if he wants to change and become a worthy partner. If he is a good father, he can be just as involved as you with your child. If he is ignoring you and your needs, he is abusing you. Make your live good and show your child what an emotionally healthy person would do.

I am sorry to read about all that you are going threw. I myself was 2 when my mom and dad split up. I have no memory of them even being together at all. Now after having my own kids and being married for almost 9 years there is no way I would change a thing. I hate to hear when relationship end. I know that there are always hard times, but don't give up yet. There is a book. I know what you are thinking, no book knows who you are, but give this one a try. It is called Love Dare. You can get at Wal-Mart for about $10.00. You read one page everyday for 40 days. I think it will give you time to think before you make any big moves. Ask yourself if being away from him is what you really want. Also, what will it do to your child? Even if the kid is able to understand it still hurts. Also, forgiveness is easier than what most people think and it will being peace. It may take time and you may have to work to get it, but if you do love him it will come. I hope you find what you are looking for.

From reading your 3 posts about your marriage, it sounds like you you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. He seems to be the dominant dictator and you are the passive child in the house. I understand why you want to leave and if my assumption is right, I think it's the right thing to do. Just make sure you can support your child. Don't rely on child support to make your way in life.
His comment regarding staying together no matter how unhappy the two of you are, just for the sake of your child, is such a sad comment. He is shutting the door in your face and letting you know that he doesn't care that you are unhappy and that this is no longer a marriage but a 20 year sentence. Life is way too short, girl. If you are happier single than in an unloving marriage, your child will benefit greatly from that.
The best of luck!
K.

Very short and sweet...don't take responsibility for others (except your children!). Besides, you can't make anyone happy if you yourself are not happy! It will get easier once you see just how great it is to be on your own!

Perhaps I am getting the wrong impression but your post sounds very selfish/mid-life crisis-ish to me. Think about your child. Think about his feelings. I"m not advocating that you stay with him and be miserable. On the contrary, I'm just letting you know how it comes off. How about talking to him? Instead of avoiding and just not doing things for him, how about talking to him about the fact that you are unhappy and want to work things out and have them change and see where he's at. Maybe he can help out...do the laundry and misc stuff with you? Maybe it's not that cut and dry...but that is what your post makes it seem like. Maybe you are just ready to stray and feel these other things are your impetus to do so. I don't know...but I do know that I feel sorry for your husband and your poor child if you just think of you and walk without a fight.

Is this the example you want for your child? If he doesn't treat you well, what makes you think he will care if you leave?? I'm all for trying to make a marriage work, but it takes TWO, or it isn't going to work no matter how much one person tries. Have you had a talk with him? Told him how you feel? communicated at all??? If you have and he doesn't act like he wants to try, then I say run the other way, worry more about giving your child a positive life , get a life of your own, you may fly and be able to do things you never thought you could. If he actually acts after the talk like he really wants to try, I suggest a marriage counselor, as I don't think you could work it out with out a third person pointing out things that need changed etc. or you could get resentful telling each other .

I’m so sorry to hear that you are heartbroken. I encourage you to find a church that offers marriage counseling or courses. If you just want to talk to someone about your feelings without being condemned, please contact The Stephen Ministry at ###-###-#### or ###-###-####. To learn about the ministry, see the link below.
http://rockwall.lakepointe.org/FamilyEnrichment/stephenmi...

My husband and I just completed a marriage course because we desire a marriage that is God-honoring and is an excellent example for our daughter. My mother often reminds me that the best thing I can do for my daughter is to love my husband. In the marriage course, we learned practical tips for building strong foundations, effectively communicating, and resolving conflict. We also learned that there is power in forgiveness and that love is an action. We were reminded that marriage requires work and that love can be renewed.

You will not find peace or joy in yourself or in your husband. Only Jesus can provide true and lasting peace and joy. What better time than Easter to put your faith in Him? Please private message me if you’d like to know more about trusting God. I’d love to share the difference Christ has made in my life with you.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13).

Life is a hard road to travel but we make the best of what God gives us. Love is easy to find but hard to maintain. You can't just walk away without fighting for it, really fight for it. Every marriage is worth a fight if you are willing. You and your husband need to get back to basic find out what you fell in love with about one another. See someone who can help you, it is always good to go talk to someone. Atleast when you make an effort of it then if he doesnt then if you have to leave then and only then can you say to yourself you tried. My question to you is why isnt he talking to you? You got to be able to sit down and talk to each other with open ears. Ask him to sit with you and talk but instead of you talking listen to him find out how he feels what he needs maybe he will open up. JOY....PEACE.... That is up to you you can have both with or without him you are the only one who makes that choice. Nobody can take your joy and peace away you are the one who lets them. If you walk around allday thinking your marriage willl not recover or its not worth saving then I can see why your husband feels the way he does, so you got to get back to some kind of basic why did you fall in love with this man and then go from there. Your joy and peace is that baby. Dont go throwing your marriage away cause you are the one feeling trapped. If you are sencere about leaving then there is nothing we can say or advise you on what to do. Sorry you are going through this. You never said how old your baby was. If he is under a year, your body is still adjusting to having the baby and your hornmones are still running on high, you could be going through post pardon depression and may need to see a doctor. Even if its not that you maybe going through a depression, most people go through it and not know the signs of it. Change your thinking, if you want to stay with this man and you still love him its worth fighting for. Something has happen between you and him to make him not want to talk to you. You got to talk to each other. Work on your marriage before you make any kind of choice that will change your life. Grass is not always greener on the other side you might get a mouth full of bitter weeds instead and be worse off. I was in your shoes at one time and I made the choice to stay and work on it I to have a son who is 18 months and I cant see tearing my family apart. I raised two other chidren by myself and let me tell you it wasnt fun they turned out ok but I never got to spend time with them I was to busy paying someone else to raise them and then I worked long hours to provide for them. So make your choice is very clear before you go jumping to greener grass just yet. If you are telling people what goes on in your marriage and hey are given you advice and not list4en to his side of it as well like your best friend or your family, and they are telling you you have to leave or telling you negative stuff about your husband. STOP...Go see a person who is not in your circle of friends and family you need someone on the outside who can help Pastor, Deacon, marriage countselor, someone who is qualitified to give you the right advice who can see things from the outside in. One of your readers mention the movie Fireproof... WATCH IT.. It maybe bad acting but it is heartfelt. Both of you watch it. Again, if he doesnt want to do anything about this matter then and only then can you say you REALLY tried to save your marriage.

God Bless,

T.

From the child of a broken home, I strongly urge you to seek marriage counseling. I believe marriages can be fixed. I will be praying for you and your family.

You know there comes a time that you have to put yourself first. I was in a similiar marriage and i got out. I'm not saying that's what you should do i'm just saying that if you're not happy then change it. He's a grown man he will be ok. If you are not happy you can't make anybody happy and this will affect your child too. I hope you work this out i really do. I agree with the others about marraige counseling. God bless

Hello,

Your situation is very similar to one of those I have been through. I too have been with the love of my life since I was a teen. Believe me I know exactly how you feel! I was at my breaking point and thought it was done and felt I was better off. When your relationship gets to that level there is a lot of miscommunication. You both are either not reading the situation correctly or just choosing to see what you want. We did that for quite some time but when I realized that I had been with this one and only man for 10 years I had to ask myself, can I live without him? Yes you can live without a man at any point but can you see yourself alone or with someone else??? I couldnt and therefore I stepped it up and knowing that he was wrong in a lot I also had to see all the things I was doing even though I thought it was all him. No relationship is ever 1 sided because you have the ability to change it. You guys as a couple owe it to yourselves to open up to one another and pinpoint what is really going on. Thats what we did we sat down and I told him all the things that he did that I felt made me want to leave and he did the same and in the end neither of us wanted that it was just lack of communication with eachother. Dont get me wrong I dont have this fabulous relationship, no one does, but it has gotten so much better and I love him and he loves me. I just hope this bit of information will help you but you will have to be the one to step forward even though you feel as though you shouldnt. Good luck and God Bless!

about me: mother of 3 beautiful children with a wonderful man!

I have briefly looked over the responses you've received, and I want to say that I'm sorry they are so negative. You deserve to be happy & sometimes that means making huge & painful choices/changes. One response mentions that you've posted messages about leaving 3 times in the last year; to me that says that you have tried staying in the marriage, but it is not working. It is a crossroad; you can stay miserable, or make the necessary changes to your life so as to find a more peaceful happier existance. Go by your heart, you know what you need to do. With regards to your child, I think that children are better off in a happy, loving, tension free environment, than in a two parent miserable, dysfunctional scenario. Plus, the relationship between you & your husband is setting the standard for your child's future relationship expectations. So ask yourself if you would want what you currently have for your child. The answer should help you deal with any guilt you may be feeling. With regards to guilt, you have only one life, so do not feel bad for wanting to make it the most fulfilling life you can. Besides, it sounds like you have not been appreciated or loved for a long time, so it was not you who brought this on. There should be no guilt in choosing not to tolearte the intolerable. Leaving & going on your own will not be easy, but you will grow, & you will have yourself. It sounds like you have outgrown your relationship with your husband, regardless of whether you stay or not. Everyone deserves to be happy, so follow your instinct/inner voice- it will never fail you.
I wish you strength, luck & joy.
S.

I want to make this short and sweet because you seem to have recieved a lot of judgement and I refuse to pass judgement especialy since I dont fully understand your situation, and I am not you.

My suggestion is that if your marrage is worth trying to save, then save it. Do what ever you can. "Fireproofing" worked for me and my high school sweet heart and we have been together for 9 years. It hasnt always been great, and we make a larger effort every day, but that helped for us. You can find it at www.fireproofmymarriage.com

If it's not. If you have tried and there is nothing left to save, then you should not feel bad for making the best decision for you and your child. Just do what you think is best. Dont let any one make you feel bad for being a good mom and making your house a happy home! My parrents were much better parrents for me when they were not married any more. Dont let any one make you feel bad if divorce is what you choose. IT is YOUR choice, and no one else's.

God doesn't bring us to it if he wont bring us through it. Rely on him to help you through this!

Good luck to you and be blessed.

You are imagining that life will be better without him. Imagination is a strange thing, it is what we want: not reality. In reality you might be worse off. Do you pray for him? Do you ask God to bless your husband? Have you considered, after reading what happens to children after divorce, what your own child will think, feel, act out, etc.. As for others going through what you are going through....yes, there have been many of us who have stuck it out and prayed for God's love, guidance and grace. You cannot change him, but God can. You cannot change the past, but what you think now will affect your future. You think you are stupid, you will act accordingly. You think depressed thoughts, you will act depressed. You think your husband is a jerk, all you will see and think about is how unhappy you are and how he doesn't satisfy you. . Ask God to give you love and think on how much He loves you & what He did for you; then you will give love to others and be blessed. You need to draw close to God so that He can change you. Go get some counseling, and you need a mentor/friend

I can understand how distance can build in a marriage where you get to the point of not loving someone anymore (or caring). Unfortunately, it sounds like you are both at that point. My suggestion would be to seek counseling to try and save your relationship. Every relationship needs work; and it sounds like you need professional help at this point b/c of the barrier that exists between the both of you. Of course, he needs to want this as well. I am not sure if this helps you are not; however, I just wanted to let you know that every marriage has the opportunity to get to this point. I know that you are not alone in this. However, stay strong; hopefully, you will get some good advice!!
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I read a mamas post regarding your previous posts. I wish I would have read them before providing my own comments. It sounds like you are so sad in the three posts that you have sent to us. I think you need to seek some help from a professional; there is no shame in counseling. I don't think you are going to find what you are looking for on this site.

You do not have a Biblical reason (adultry)to leave this man the father of your child!If you think you are ubhappy now just wait till you 'do your own thing'. You made a vow for better or worse. Honor it!

R. M seem to me you might be suffering from depression, maybe even you husband. Depression is contagious! Have you talked at all with your physician? Have you talk to your husband about how you feel? As far as your husband goes, what Does He think might be the problem?
I know from personal experience that nurturing your partner can be challenging with a child, along with the bad economy we're all suffering from right now, also personality issues and family problems can add to your issues and make it seem as if life is better "alone", but believe me it could just be a deception for the true underlying problem.....so even alone you will feel depressed, guilty and hopeless.
Please talk to your personal physician or therapist about it first before you regret a bad decision. What does your husband think of having counseling as a couple with your pastor or priest?

You did not mention he has physically abused you, and I hope that's not your case, but if it is you need to be sheltered immediately.

God Bless!

I can only offer a movie suggestion & that is Fireproof. It's a great movie & they have a book too called The Love Dare. Give it a try & if things are the same then leave. GL

I am so sorry for your hard times. I've been married to my HS sweetheart for 7.5 yrs and we were together for 7 yrs prior to marriage and we've just recently begun to be happy again. We are over the hump (for now) but when I was searching for help (I did not find this until really recently) I was told to check out the following things:

the book "The Love Dare"
the movie "fireproof" (new) which is based quite a bit on the book listed above. Check them out and have your hubby watch the movie (what I was told) if he won't read the book. You don't have to watch it together (supposedly) but it will help even a divorced couple (because we even know divorce does not end all contact, esp when a child is involved)!

I never really knew how many people swore by this until a couple of days ago when I was mentioning it on a group discussion on line (cafemom)and got some really astounding andpositive remarks: some women swore it saved their relationship.

Good luck and God bless! I know I will be checking out this book and movie REAL soon cause every relationship can use some sort of help!

reba mcentire... is there life out there?

R.,

I'm not sure if you're planning on leaving as in divorce or if you're planning on staying with him and just making a career move.

My situation is similar. I was almost in a depression because my husband wasn't loving like he used to be. Like you, instead of having an occasional bad day, we had an occasional good day.

I started a home based business and for me, my life changed. I started getting out more, meeting new people, started being the old, outgoing, fun M.. This in turn has given me some stress relief. I now am a better mother and wife. I can joke and laugh. Yes I'm not able to do as much around the house but I make sure when I can (at least once a week), I do the laundry. I try to do a good cleaning of the house at least once a month (doesn't always happen and pisses my husband off - BUT I figure if it bothers him enough he'll do it himself or wait until I do it).

But I'm so much happier that I have something for myself. Life is too short to be miserable all the time. Find some way to enjoy yourself.

I wish you well and am here if you ever need to talk because I think we're in a similar situation!

M.

First, I will say have you prayed on this situation? Have you prayed for your child, husband, and self? I have only been married for 1 1/2 years and it has been a struggle in the beginning to an extent...but I had to pray for my husand, self, and family (we have an extended family). Once I done this God gave me insight as to what I needed to do and what I was suppose to do. I don't know what your religion is but you do have some faith. I will tell you growing up with my parents fighting all the time was not good and I was much better off as a child when they were not together. Some divorce parents and children of divorce parents have a hard time. But, like someone else posted here if you are not happy and living with what you say (I say this because there is always 2 sides to every story and we only have yours) is going on....children since stress and stress can make it very difficult and make people sick physically and mentally. So, all I can say is pray on it, talk to someone like a therapist for yourself and if your husband is willing you all talk to someone together. Now, if you husband is not willing to work on your marriage then you really need to think about what you need to do. I say this because I was with someone for 18 years and I was UNHAPPY

There is alot more here unknown that would take alot to include. Have you tried counseling through church or another route? How old is your child? Does he put you down is that why you feel so low about yourself? Is he invovled in family life at all or does he just do his own thing or do nothing at all? A marriage is a partnership that takes both to make it work. As with a family everyone should be involved once you bring children into the picture. You say you are not cooking and cleaning anymore, is this totally or just for him? Has your relationship always been like this or is this something that has developed over time? Do you work, do you stay home, do you have an education or a skill. Do you volunteer, do you have any local groups you can be involved in? Is your child in school? If so, do you volunteer, or could you work at the school some. What can you do to make you feel better about yourself? Does he prevent you from doing these things, has he encouraged you to do things or is he indifferent? There are many things to be considered and everyone's situation is different. But if both parties are not willing to make the effort to do what needs to be done to make the relationship a healthy and happy one, then something else has to be done. Children are sensitive and even if you try to do a good job at hiding a problem, they will eventually pick up on it. So, you have to remember that good or bad the situation will effect them also. I am not a professional, but this is what I have learned from my own experience. Hope some of this may help. Good luck with wherever life takes you. Just remember always hold your head up, one person can only do so much, just always do the best you can. Don't forget to take care of yourself while you are taking care of everyone else.

If your husband was Christian or an agnostic I think Fireproof would work, but he's not. He's from a different culture and religion based on your other posts. And he's not going to change. You have been unhappy and worried since at least December 29th when you first posted about this.

You need a counsellor, Jane Byer in Lewisville is great, if you need her number, let me know. And I think you need to see a lawyer. Even if you don't divorce it would be a good idea to make sure your husband can't take your baby out of the country since he comes from outside the US and has family ties elsewhere.... you're not being smart to protect you and your child from this.

You are really not understanding your own situation, and honestly this site as much as we all want to help, we can't. That's why you need to see someone else, now.

Please get help, you will start to feel better as soon as you take that first step and remember the Lord loves you unconditionally.

Well, you've received posts from lots of women and advice that spans the spectrum. I've been married for 45 years next Sat., and I've been through all the stages. Marriage is hard work from the beginning until the end, and I'm not even there yet. Like getting old, is isn't for sissies, to use a Bette Davis phrase. The first thing I learned is that I can't expect my spouse to make me happy. I have to do that for myself. Get counseling. Get to know yourself FIRST! If he agrees to go with you, all the better, but if not, go by yourself. You are in no shape to make a life-crisis decision, to leave or not to leave, in the state of mind you are in now. My theory has always been to deal with the trouble I know rather than gamble on trouble I don't know. I've survived 7-year-itch, 20-year ditch, and living with a self-centered old man now. It's not all bad, though. The messages you get on TV and in movies is that you should be deliriously happy all the time. Not true! Happiness is circumstancial. Contentment, on the otherhand, is doing what is right whether it makes you happy or not. I've made some tough decisions over the year, but I always put my marriage first. I decided if it fails, then I'll walk away with the knowledge that I did all I could----no guilt. Things have always worked out. It's called COMMITMENT.

Dear R.,

Life is too short not to be happy. It doesn't seem that your husband has done much to make this a happy marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work. Nor does it seem like he's done anything to make you happy. Anyone deserves to happy! You can't keep being miserable, just you're afraid of making him unhappy. You need to think of yourself now, and remember that you CAN be happy. If he really wanted your marriage to work, he would have done something about it already. I know it's a very hard decision to make, but you must also think about what is best for your child. No child wants to grow up in an unhappy home with miserable parents. It’s much better for a child to grow up in a home, where the parents are happy separately. I hope you make the right decision, and I wish you the very best of luck.

I agree with "FireProof." Watch it with your husband and go out and get the book "The Love Dare", you can get it at Wal-Mart and do it for forty days. I did it without cheating and I can't tell you the differnce it made in my marriage. I think your marriage is at least worth trying.

Have you tried counseling? I went just last week by myself after being married for almost 10 years. We seem to go through cycles where it is silent treatments for 2-3 weeks then ok for 2-3 weeks. The counselor really helped. You have to be happy with yourself and quit responding to what he does/says. They are not responsible for our happiness. Also, Men don't like to talk much. They don't like the details like women. So, I have learned to chat with my friends more and just get to the point with my husband. My counselor told me to get my husband to talk to me I needed to be fun to talk too. I know it's hard when you're upset. I have started reading alot of relationship books that have really helped and given me encouragement. Go to the library and check them out.

God Bless