I'm sorry I don't have time to read the other responses ...
I have no idea where this quote came from, but it is used by the Retrouvaille program at my church to try to reach out to struggling couples (and I'm sure it would have been true in our case, if my ex had been open to having faith, because when I fell apart, I hit bottom and was on my way out of the hole, but my husband was too tired of (whatever) to open up to the new me) ...
"Sociologists have identified four stages of marriage. They are: (1) Romance, (2) Disillusionment, (3) Misery, and (4) Awakening. Many marriages experience the first three stages. Marriages that end in divorce never make it to the fourth stage of Awakening. Don't give up without learning about the fourth stage of Awakening."
Now that I type that, I for the first time notice that they didn't say, "without experiencing," but "without learning about" ... that was honest of them ... because the next thing I was going to say, was, if the other partner isn't *in fact* making life changes but is only making surface changes, then they aren't ready to bring you to Awakening, whether or not you are willing to take the leap of faith to try it. My ex thought I was making surface changes, but he was wrong--I finally became capable of truly being a wife as he was in the process of pulling out of the marriage, first emotionally and then physically and legally.
I guess the other piece I would hand you, is a self-reflection piece. Stepping into a relationship in trust, when you know factually that you can't trust the other partner, is obviously challenging. Some of my greatest and most rapid and profound self-healing, occurred when I chose to radically and against all evidence trust my partner to *be* my partner.
Besides the joy of the (very painful!, but oh so important) growth I experienced during that time, I have absolutely no guilt that I ended the marriage. I gave it may all, my whole self. He couldn't pull the faith, did not choose to trust, taught himself to hate and despise me in order to try to escape "me" (mostly the trap he perceived and projected onto me). Radical trust is scary; it was truly a leaning over the abyss ... but the world (God--even during the time when I didn't think he was there--and my friends and even the children) held me up ...
Which is not to say, you must make that extremely irrational choice. It would be a step of faith, for sure. But I just wanted to offer the radical extreme, for you to consider ...
I would encourage you to at least commit fully to counseling. Commit that you will bring yourself to counselling, and you will expect him to bring himself ... maybe you will find out/decide that you two *aren't* going to work out. But at least you will find that out with a relatively objective person making sure you both keep it honest, and hopefully demanding you both expose the issues you will otherwise carry into future relationships.
Remember, you can divorce him, he can divorce you ... but you will always have to live with yourself. Even if this is the end of your marriage relationship, don't lose the opportunity to set yourself up to be more self-knowledgeable and relationship-healthy for the rest of your life (and your children's lives).
Also remember, you will have to interact actively with this man until the kids are 18 or out of college ... counseling will set you up to make a smooth transition to custody negotiations (and later, re-negotiations)--again, if that is the path you-all take. If he has felt listened to, the financial negotiations might be less acrimonious too. Both of these applied in our case.
Divorce is a very very unpleasant process, although yes freeing. I could and can see how our relationship could have transitioned to similar freedom; he could not (and presumably does not ;) sigh... ) see that.
Make sure you read the divorce parenting books for the basic stuff like "try to stay out of court at all costs" (for the kids).
I am very sorry you have this to face. Mustering emotional energy to work on a situation you perceive as unworkable seems such a waste. I hope I at least have suggested why emotionally committing to counseling as a discovery opportunity will be a good solid emotional and psychological investing ...
Namaste ... God bless you ...