Heart Break

never stop caring about her even if she gets depressed and sad for a long time, ask her if she wants to get out to talk or get out to avoid talking. Maybe ask if there are any things she wants to do in rememberance of her daughter that she needs help with?

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of a young lady. Sometimes, there's silent friendship. This is just to sit and say nothing. Sometimes they want to just talk and you listen. There are no words to comfort them.

I recently read in Job, when Satan was destroying everything Job had indcluding the loss of his 10 children. Three friends sat with Job for 7 days and said nothing.

My sister died of cancer at age 18 too. My mom has never been the same since.
The thing she likes best is to talk about my sister, a LOT. She likes to look at pictures and remember all the old times. I'd say just be there for her and don't act uncomfortable. Your friend may want to keep her daughter "alive" for a long, long time.
A good friend of mine lost her 21 yr old daughter earlier this year in a texting car accident. Her birthday is coming up later this month and my friend just sent out invitations to her birthday party because she had one for her every year and doesnt want to stop. So, I will be attending a birthday party to eat, drink and let off balloons with messages on them for a grieving mother who is not ready to let go yet.
Everyone is different. It's not a pain we can even begin to imagine unless we've experienced it ourselves, I do know that.

Everyone here has great ideas here about just being there. I think that is most important. Especially in the months and years ahead when many will forget. One other idea - something we did for a friend who lost a young daughter suddenly - is to have a tree planted in a local park - or somewhere meaningful to the daughter or family - in her honor. You contact the city's park dept. to do so. The family added a bench and planted tulips. It's become this lovely place for them to go sit and think of her and "be" with her. You could also make a donation to something in her honor. At the hospital that treated her. Or a place that helps girls somehow, or a micro loan to a woman somewhere who will use that to change her family's life. Something that gives life and keeps giving. Finally, just so, so sorry for you and your friend and this tragic loss. As a mother, I simply cannot imagine how life would go on without my daughter. And yet, it would. And friends like you would help make that bearable. Good luck to you all.

Having just gone through the loss of my mom two weeks ago, I can say the best thing for me has been the friends that are still texting or e-mailing to check on me. The initial stage of the passing and the funeral bring out many people, but now that a little time has passed, it feels so lonely and those friends that are "checking on me" are the ones that are so precious to me right now. I still don't answer my phone a lot yet as I just don't want to talk about things right now, but the notes by e-mail, regular mail, and texts are very good. Oh, and just checking to see if you can bring lunch over or run errands would be nice, too. With the holidays upon us, that will also probably add to the pain. I don't feel like celebrating anything, so being sensitive to that would be nice, as well.
Just my two cents,
R.

Don't act weird and try to be the way you have always been with her. I've never had a loss this profound and I can't even manage to think about how I would feel.. Everyone will be tip-toeing around her and a lot of people will probably withdraw from her because they don't know what to do or say. Try to be yourself, don't be afraid to ask her how she's feeling and DON'T be afraid to talk about normal things, that's probably the number one thing she'll need especially after all the attention dies down and it's had some time to set it. She's in for a hard few years and the best thing you can do is stick by her and not walk on eggshells.. that's what everyone else will be doing.

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Prayer!!!!!!!!!!!Never cease praying.God placed you in her life for that reason.I will pray for you as well.I know the pain of losing a sister 35 and a cousin 26, a cousin 6 to cancer. God can and will grace her with thePeace no man can give..Keep looking up!! thats where your help is.

Just let her know you are there like others have said and keep letting her know. With the holidays being so close this will be even a harder time more than likly for her. It's hard on holidays once you lost loved ones even if it's not close to that time. Just love her. She is still in shock I am sure. When we lost my dad we where in shock for quit a while. She will have times even down there road that she may just need a sholder just let her know you are willing to be there whenever she needs you!

S.:

I am SOOO sorry!!! My thoughts and prayers go out to your friends and yourself as well.

While I've only lost children in-utero - it was still heart wrenching...having a child for 18 years and to lose them to cancer??? I think I would be a mess.

Tell your friend you are there for her. She can call you anytime.
Ask her if she needs help with anything....

Continue her daughter's legacy - get pictures together and other things - put them in a shadow box and give it to her parents so they can have more memories of her and know that others saw what an amazing person she was!!

Oh, that hurts--I am so sorry. Follow your friends' lead. You want to be RIGHT THERE, but you also don't want to be intrusive or say the wrong thing. If they want to talk about her a lot, do that. If they don't want to hear her name aloud for a while, don't say it. Before you flood them with pictures or other keepsakes, test the waters with one and see how receptive they are. Or ask if they would like to have that now. If not, put it away for them.

Stay visible. Provide meals and remind them to eat, but don't force them (unless they haven't eaten in days). Don't EVER ask them how they're doing.

I don't know how good of friend they are - when my best friend lost her child 20 years ago, we were neighbors and always at each other's house. I knew her shopping habits because we did it together sometimes. When the food stopped coming in, I did her grocery shopping. I did put a magnetic list on the fridge and told them to make sure they put anything they REALLY wanted or needed on it and for several weeks, I went to the grocery store. They still talk about how wonderful it was. I cleaned bathrooms and the kitchen whenever I noticed that it needed done. I also showed up when I could hear the pain in her voice with a box of Puffs and we would cry together......lots and LOTS of prayers.

Wow. I am so, so, so sad to hear this. What a horrible ride this poor family has been on. When something horrible happened to me, what I learned is to not forget about their loss, even 6 months from now. Everyone is different, however. I just know that months later, I felt so alone in this world because everyone was afraid to bring it up (in fear they would make me sad). However, I was still very much grieving and felt like so much time has passed that I shouldn't bring it up to my friends because maybe they were sick of hearing about it and ready for me to move on. So, it might be hard but try to find that balance; asking her how she's feeling just enough but not too much. After a little time has passed, ask your friend if she would rather you bring up her daughter or if she's the type who doesn't want to talk about it. I wanted to talk about it. It took me 2 years to recover from my loss. It is still hard but I was in a pretty major depression for about 2 yrs. I would bet she's going to struggle for a while but as I've always heard, time does help heal. I also recommend seeing a counselor. I never did because I didn't realize that I was in a deep depression for quite sometime. I would suggest finding a group who's lost a child (maybe you can do that research for her).

A few things you can consider doing for her. Give her a gift of a beautiful tree that grows well in Houston. Make sure it's something native so that you know it will flourish. I have a tree and it brings me great comfort watching it grow as her child would be growing older. Maybe a very special locket with her daughter's name engraved on it. Something she can keep close to her heart. My aunt lost her son 10 years ago (he was also 18). She has worn a necklace to remind her of him everyday for the last 10 years. It's going to be a rough road. Call her frequently, just to let her talk. You are a good friend!

Be sure to talk about her by name. As the days go on, others will go on with their lives but this poor family will still be mourning. Even though they know people haven't forgotten their daughter, it will seem like it when everyone avoids bringing her up in conversation. You will not upset them by bringing up her name. They are already upset. Not a minute goes by that they are not thinking of her.

Ask before you bring a certain dish. Especially if they are not pasta people, they can only eat so much pasta. It seems that pasta is the go-to dish people bring and it can get old. Ask if they would prefer enchiladas or a pot roast, for example. Ask if they have too many desserts as some people just bring sweets. Cut up veggies with dip might be nice as it can go with a meal or just have for a snack when they aren't really hungry.

See if they will let you help with the thank yous. Addressing, stamping, applying return addresses, etc. is helpful as they may have lots to send out.

Tell some of your favorite memories. Don't guess why the Lord took her. Just be sad with them and tell them you are so sorry for their pain and that you will be praying for them. Remind them that the Lord will be there for them during the difficult times and so will you.

Don't tell them to let you know what you can do to help. That is too hard. Give ideas and see if or when it would be helpful. Does your friend have someone to help her pick out clothes (if there will be an open casket)? Offer to come clean her bathrooms. Don't ask if she'd like them cleaned; just say you'd like to come clean them and ask what day would be best. She may be having lots of people coming over. Does she need sheets washed and guest beds made?

The more you can do, the sooner you will get over the shock. Then as you watch your friend, you will learn what her needs will be. Continue to talk about her daughter, long into the future. Keep reminding her she will get through if she says she can't. When she is not in a deep grief-stricken place, ask her what she imagines her daughter doing in heaven. Tell her what wonderful things you think she is doing.

I am so sorry for your loss and especially the family of the girl.

Be there for your friend. I would like to recommend a book, Seven Choices: Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World, by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD. I was fortunate enough to attend a workshop she presented in 1991 after my brother died of cancer and my ex-husband was terminally ill. When my mother was dying of breast cancer in 2004, I bought a copy for all the members of my family. I have also given copies to widows, divorcees, etc. Because reading is something that can be done in the middle of the night when a person might hesitate to call a friend, I know that this book has helped many people that I know personally. (I get no kickback from sales, by the way.)
Other than that, do the things with your friend that you usually do-call her, visit if you think it's appropriate. Take a cue from her--if she needs someone to cry with her and look at pictures of her daughter, do that.

You're already helping her by taking food and being there for her. Keep doing that. Don't say the "stupid" stuff, like "she's in a better place". There will be lots of people around for the next week or so, then they'll move on with their lives. You can stay around for the part after, and talk about her lovely daughter with her. So many people think you shouldn't bring up the loved one who has gone, but it helps to have someone around who will talk about them and acknowledge their loss. Let her know that her daughter's memory will live on with you as well as with her and the family.
I'll pray for all of you. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss, and for yours.