Health Issues and Family Drama !

He should give them a call. He's the parent. He should not use this as a way for them to prove their love. Since he can talk to you and ask about the girls he should talk directly to them. PS - One of my kids is 14 and this kind of thing would be very hard for him to deal with (a parent having health problems) and he would not know what to say or how to handle it. It would make him feel awkward. He just would not know what to do. Teens look almost like adults but boy, their brains are not even remotely there yet. They are still young kids.

In my answer to your last post, I commented that I've been there. Based on this one, I can tell you I've been there as well when my husband had a series of hospitalizations.

My guess is, your husband is feeling his mortality. That's normal. So are you - also normal. But it's the least likely time for teens or tweens or even many 20somethings to want to reach out. Seeing a parent as ill, vulnerable or in danger is horrible for kids, especially those who have not been raised to do the right thing or to know how to act/respond. In fact, if they are scared about their dad, they may be clinging even more closely to the other parent.

You have to get out of the middle of this, hard as it is. You telling them what is needed is going to come off as "you girls are bad daughters and I'm here to tell you how to fix it." I know you mean it as "I'm here to help and support my husband" but that's not how teens are going to see it. You are asking them to do something a lot of adults can't do - and they aren't your kids.

Your husband needs to either call/text them himself (and it should be "I'm going to get well so don't worry") or he needs to just let this go, focus on his recovery, and then call his girls when he gets out. And that's without the added drama of their mother, which is at play in this case. Still, you cannot guilt trip teens into calling - it will backfire.

I totally understand what he wants. I totally understand what you want. And sadly, from experience, I totally understand that the kids are not capable of doing what you want.

If it were me, I'd wait to get hubby home and then have him call the girls to say he can't wait to see them on the scheduled visitation weekend. If there's a problem with Mom bringing them to the drop-off point, can you two make the whole drive yourself? The easier you make this, the more likely it will be to happen. My husband did 99.5% of the driving for 12 years - the ex ONLY drove if a kid had a party and she could make a show of taking one OUT of our house during my husband's scheduled time. It takes too much energy to fight that. Don't try.

Please don’t compare what your kids have done to what his have (or haven’t) done. So what.

I think this whole scenario is a wake up call for your husband on whether he wants to continue the pattern of communication he has set up with his children or change it. This is about his relationship with his kids. He needs to be the pilot on this and stop handing the responsibility over to everyone else.

I get there is a long combative history and a lot of influential variables, but unless I missed it, I don’t see anywhere in your posts how he took steps to change how he is managing this situation. HE needs co-parenting advice from a professional or a support group. HE needs to figure out how to positively change his relationship with his kids. Part of that is having realistic expectations of them. FYI, teens do not act like adults, think like adults or understand things like adults. Stop expecting his kids to act like adults, and instead show them. There is rarely instant gratification in parenting, so please have the wisdom and maturity to realize if you model adult behavior now, they will remember and respect you so much more once they are out of the toxic situation.

Please love your husband enough to let him learn and change his relationship with kids on his own.

Do not use your children as a smoke screen to avoid the consequences of his relationship with his kids.

You know, in this whole scenario his kids have the least amount of power yet have all the burden placed on them. That needs to change.

I'm sorry to hear what he's gone through health wise - very stressful.

I just glanced back to see what the history was here with the girls. Less that a year ago, you mentioned the girls did not want a relationship with their father. A month ago, you said their mother and you both do not have a good relationship at all (drama there on her part).

This is not the time for kids to just come to the their daddy's side and be there for him - especially if it's a strained relationship. My father was gravely ill when I was a kid and it was scary stuff. Parents are supposed to be there for children, not the other way around.

If he's worried they don't care about him and it makes you sad - I'd let it go at this point in time. Concentrate on his getting well, and recognize that they are kids and don't hold this against them. Your kids live with your husband I assume, and you've given them direction. I take it their mother has not. From your last post/question, you don't have a close relationship with the girls - so you just asking them to text is not the same thing.

ETA: Elayne, great advice.

He should call them. Right now. Can you send someone to pick them up and drive them back? I know it would hurt me to feel they didn't care but that is probably not true.

I have to disagree with the answer to step out. Instead, call them up and tell them that you realize that they are worried about what to say because their dad is so sick. Tell them that it's more about the reaching out so that he feels loved than them finding the perfect thing to say to him. Ask them to write him right after you get off the phone.

If they don't care about him, then it's a terrible thing. If they do care and are just being thoughtless, then you are helping them remember.

Tell them that while he is getting over surgery, they could send him links to youtube stuff they would like to share with him. It's a way for them to talk to him without actually talking, if you know what I mean.

It is hard enough, as a young teen, to visit or contact a parent in the hospital. Hospitals are unfamiliar, sometimes scary places, and even under the best of circumstances, a child can be uncomfortable dealing with a seriously ill parent. And as you've posted before, your husband's relationship with his children is extremely difficult, to the point where they say they don't want a relationship with him. I'm not surprised they haven't texted him. It doesn't sound like their mother would give them guidance about reaching out to him.

Is there any way he would be willing to write or dictate a letter to them? I do think it's on him to reach out - not you as the stepmother, and not them as teens in an already estranged relationship, but him as the mature adult parent of these girls. I would suggest that he simply write that he loves them, without trying to "fix" everything that has happened in the past, and that he open a door to communication with him. Maybe they're worried that if they were to contact him, a lot of history, fights, and pain would be dredged up. That's something that maybe could happen in family counseling at some time, but for now, maybe he would feel some peace about simply writing in a card (you could buy a blank one for him) that he cares about them, and that although surgery and recovery have been rough, he's going to be ok and he thinks about them and loves them.

I'm sorry your husband has been so ill and I wish him a speedy recovery.

It doesn't sound like he is very close to his daughters. And he's using you as a go between to get them to call him? Talk about drama.
I'm sorry that he has been so sick but if he's well enough to be upset by something like this then he's well enough to be the parent and REACH OUT TO THEM. That's his job as a father. To cultivate a relationship. To make the first step, second step, however many steps it takes. And if they still aren't ready to be there for him then to accept that and give them whatever space and time they need.

It could be that they just don't understand how sick he was, and therefore how important it is that they check in on him. When I was in college, my mother had a brain aneurysm. I went to see her in the hospital, but I didn't get at the time how dangerous it could have been so I was rather nonchalant about it. Thankfully, she recovered and hasn't had any problems since, but now that I am much older, I recognize that it could have been much worse.
Also, girls that age are rather self centered and tend not to think of others as much as they should. And if they have not had to experience death yet, they may just think 'Dad will always be there' and not be as concerned about him as they should be.

Mommy

in my opinion? You need to be there as a sounding board for him - but HE NEEDS to call them. HE NEEDS to communicate with them.

Yes, he has every right to be upset. However, if you continue to be in the middle of it? YOU will be the blame if things don't go right - it will be a she said/she said/he said. LET THEM WORK IT OUT.

If they choose NOT to be contact? That's on them. He needs to make a decision. He should write them letters. If his ex-wife is still that angry about the divorce? That's on her - one day they will see what she did and her manipulations. YOU STAY OUT OF IT.

He should just call them himself and talk to them.
It's like he's using this as something to have them prove how much they love him.
That's just going to backfire big time.
There are any number of reasons they could be afraid of disturbing him while he's recovering.

You might want to consider that your husband might be a drama source and not so much necessarily his daughters.

I'm sorry your husband is sick. However, you cannot compare what YOUR children do to what HIS do.

You have two choices:
1. Jump in the middle and let a "she said" issue happen.
2. Tell your husband that he needs to pick up the phone and call them and tell them what is going on.

For their ages? They are most likely scared and have heard horror stories or two and most likely feel if they don't call? He won't die and they won't have a horrible memory of him. For example: My FIL died TOTALLY unexpectedly and my boys were scared AT FIRST to reach out to Gramma. Why? They thought she was going to die too. We worked with them to let them know that death is a part of life and to cherish the time we have. She's having some issues now and they have a very dear bond with her, for which we are VERY HAPPY!!

I find it difficult to visit people in the hospital, it makes me very uncomfortable. So I avoid it at all costs. I suggest you find out if the girls are having trouble with that.