He Won't Clean His Room

Have you thought about making it fun for him? I mean, he's a 5 yr old. They don't really respond well to nagging, yelling, or anything like that. Make it a game. Set a timer and tell him to see if he can beat it. When he beats it (and he will because kids love that kind of thing) make a big deal about it. Hug him and tell him how awesome he is for going so fast. You can also make a fun colorful chart, and every time he beats the timer he earns a sticker. After he earns 5 stickers, 7 stickers whatever, he gets a special treat like going out for ice cream, or he gets to pick a movie at the rental store. Something like that. You can also get a very cheap little, kid friendly radio in the toy section at Wal-Mart for his room to listen to while he cleans. My kids love to listen to music while they clean up. Don't you? Just get creative and make it fun. You will get better results from him. You will be happier, and you will have a happier kid.

It seems an overwhelming chore so I broke it down for them; Clothes, shoes, books and toys. We even made up a little song, it can be to any tune. They feel more in control and can handle it. To start I gave them one thing at a time. Once they knew what to do I could send them in.

I *do* take my kids' toys away if they won't clean up. If I have to keep asking and I put them away myself, then I put all those toy bins in a different room or closet and lock them up. They have to earn them back by cleaning other things...laundry, a toilet, a tub...whatever, depending on ages. Mine are 9 through 2 (five kids). I can't afford to let it get and stay out of control with five of them. =)

If they tell me they don't care if I take them away (it really does happen) then I take other toys too, so that they will miss something that they DO want to play with....or I ground them from friends for the day or something like that.

I would try 1) NOT nagging. Don't say anything else once you've asked him/ told him to clean it. THen, next time he wants to watch tv or do something fun, just say calmly, "Sure, as soon as you're done with your room." and walk away. He'll put up a fuss, but stay calm and firm. Once he gets that you are serious, I think he'll eventually do it... and he'll get the reward of that fun activity or whatever it is.

I would also consider a system of positive reinforcement. Is there something you could do to set up a calendar where he gets a star or something on it for the days he cleans his room before bed? In between, I would try to always emphasize the positive - when he does clean it, or do other helpful things, tell him how much you appreciate it. The positive reinforcement goes a long way in making someone feel good - and capable - and motivated to keep doing that behavior. Our three (almost four) year old regularly tells me "I'm going to clean my room now" and she does it. She doesn't always do it when I ask... it's not perfect here either... but she has received a lot of praise for the times she does it on her own, so it's something that has become her 'thing' and she does it often.

Perhaps you're one that prefers to do things by herself, but there are so, so many who just simply do much better with a companion.

As a mom with children ranging from toddler to teens; yes, you may be asking too much. :o) Of course, he should be capable of doing what you ask physically. But if he will do what you want him to do with you in the room, why not take advantage of this time to form your relationship, to communicate and discuss things--boys do better communication while distracted by a project anyway (they feel less emotinoally intimidated...a good tip for hubbies, too).

Biggest tip in the world: Do NOT Argue with your son. PERIOD. Tell him once, maybe twice, and then "help" him. Don't get caught up in my word "help". When I must "help" a child it is not a pleasant, fun experience. For younger ones it means I'm physically in control of their bodies moving them toward their work, forcing the hands together to pick things up, etc...for the older ones it means walking them to their work and seeing they get it done and they owe me my time--for the time they took from me, they have to pay me back whenever they want to do something. I AM pleasant during these times (fake as it may be) becuase it's just useless to fight with a wall, it never moves--I'm the wall. Yes, it's more work for me than I want at the moment but it sure saves me in the end, no one wants "help". Now, they are not confused between the "help" and help becuase of the difference in tone and emphasis, if I'm offering my assistance it's kind, if they're asking for help it's kind, if they aren't in control then I "help". You'll see a seriously changed child within two weeks.

Combine compassion with your boundaries and you'll find more freedom, friendliness, and an amazing relationship with your child regardless of your method.

Can you put a lock on his closet? or toy bins?

I gathered up all but about 4( per child)of the toys when my kids weren't around. I kept out the ones they played with most. The rest are locked in the closet (like they do in nursery). If they want to play with something, I open the closet and they pick out one container of toys. They have to put all the toys back in the container before I'll get another one out.

Mostly they just play with what's already out and it's not hard to clean it up. This has cut soooo much fighting out of our lives...everyone is happier!!

When I'm having behavior problems with my child, I tell him to go pick up one toy and put it away. If he complains or doesn't start to do it, I make it 2 toys....then 5...etc.

Mostly it's not that hard to pick up one toy.

The other thing I do: "Hey, how old are you again?" ..."OK. Go pick up (the number they said) toys and then come right back. I'll wait for you."

They don't clean the whole room, but they clean some--it's a good habit....and good number for their age.

I agree to a point. I don't think he is being stubborn on purpose, I think its more about being overwhelmed with too big a task. I know that my kids will not clean their room without adult supervision and they don't at preschool either, thats probably why you are having such difficulty. Every time I ask my kids to clean their rooms I don't just give it that general title, I ask them to pick up all the hot wheels cars, and then when thats done then I ask for the next task to be completed and it is usually a 2 hour (sometimes longer) task. The statement "go clean your room" is very overwhelming to someone as young as 5 yrs old. In a preschool setting there are others to share the responsibility with so its not as hard a task but at home it may just be too much for him and thats probably why you are getting so much resistance. My kids have not been able to tackle that task until they were at least 8yrs and up with the general guidelines of "go clean your room" its always been a very structured thing at our house, besides they love the praise when they come back and tell you that the task that you just asked them to do is done! I have 4 sons, 3 of them are over 8 now and I only have to help 2 with room cleaning, one with special needs and the other is only 3, but my 8 and 12 yr olds have no trouble at all organizing themselves and keeping a nice room, so its paid off in the long run. Thats my experience with room cleaning, hope you can get something from it.

S.

I use the Love and Logic approach to getting my child to do things and it seems to work. If he won't clean his room and you are getting frustrated with cleaning it, then make him pay you for doing his chore. By paying, I mean in toys or privileges. So you say to your child your room needs to be cleaned or I will clean it and you will have to pay me with no TV this evening or not being able to go to a birthday party or I'll take your train set as payment. There is no battle or arguing, if you do it and he doesn't help, you get paid. Should only take a few times before he starts to understand what the rules are. Good Luck.

I let my boys' (agees 3 and 4) get SOOOO disasterous that they couldn't find anything, were always tripping on stuff, had toys in their beds, sticky floor, etc. I mean, I let it get BAD! (It was hard for me because I HATE clutter and filth.) Then, finally, I took a picture of their room and then I told them it was time to pick up. I knew with the degree of mess, I was going to have to to most of it, but we cleaned it SPOTLESS. Everything in its place, floor scrubbed, sheets washed.. The room smelled SOOO good and the floor shined.

I took another picture and stuck both photos on the wall. Believe it or not, kids function and sleep better in a room that's clean and my boys realized that. Whenever they don't want to pick up their room, I show them the pictures. "Which room do you want to have? This one, or that one?" They remember the feeling of the spotless room and have even caught my 4 yr. old in there with the Swiffer Sweeper Vac while my 3 yr. old left to fetch the Swiffer Wet Jet!

I would suggest you tell him only pick up the toys he wants to keep. Then you go take away the rest. Give him a time limit.

Here is what we do at our house. I got this idea from love and logic( books, seminars, etc). My kids get an allowance, it is set by their age( 6 year old gets$6 a week and so on). if they don't do their chores they "pay" me to do it. I charge $2.50 per chore( and yes it adds up fast so they are motivated. This works, trust me. I have a 6 year old, same deal, she compalined and whined and I always ended up doing it for her because it bugged me! Now she does it, I do have to prompt her but she will do it! Be consistent with the allowance and keep track of what they owe you! Also. I don't ever buy them things at the store, ever, I say feel free to use your own $, that way they stay motivated to get their allowance.( I do buy colthes but you know what I mean!). Don't take away the toys, it won't work( except for maybe some screaming and crying that you have to endure! Good luck, and yes it is ok to want them to keep their rooms clean, it is your home and you have to see it everyday!

he's definitely old enough to clean up on his own, you just have to find the right motivation. rewards work best for my 5 yr old. some of the rewards we do for various things in our house are: sweets, 1/2 hour of computer games, money, their choice of food for dinner, little toys i pick up from yard sales or Freecycle, go to a park, stickers. it doesn't have to be something you spend money on. for example instead of just handing him the sheet of stickers that comes in the mail with the offer trying to get me to buy disney dvd's, i put the stickers in the treasure box for him to choose from when he earns a reward. same thing with any toys that come in cereal boxes. something we've done recently is that i let each of my boys choose a new book from an Usborn catalog. then i set up a chart for them to complete a certain number of jobs around the house to earn the books. they have been doing great helping me for over 2 weeks now. they started to get impatient for the books, but once the order arrived and they could see it, their commitment was renewed for a couple more weeks. i never knew they could work this long for a reward! we also divided the toys in half once when i thought they were getting to be too many for the space they were in. half the toys went into the shed. whenever my kids want to, they are free to trade 3 toys from their room for 1 toy from the shed. the 3 to 1 trade makes room for random toys that their grandma sends them. good luck!

I agree that positive reinforcement will go a lot further than taking things away. he has privileges given to, like TV time or dessert, or a play day with friends. I would also use the method one other mom suggested of letting the consequences occur naturally, he doesn't pick up his room so then when he wants to watch a movie, you say Oh, I would really love to let you, unfortunately its a house rule that your room has to be clean first.
Have you heard of the house fairy? www.housefairy.org she uses positive reinforcement and even has a story that goes with it. I have had the program for a while and am now getting ready to implement it with my 3 year old. My sister has used it with great success with her kids.
you sound pretty organized so that will help, perhaps making him a chore chart with the things he does need to do at this age will help out as well, one with pictures or cards that they turn over that show what they would be doing? it's a suggestion that housefairy has. a ring through some 3X5 cards that have pictures of what needs to be done, like the toys and his clothing, perhaps unloading the dishwasher, brushing teeth etc. so they get to flip through the cards to see what they need to get done in a day.
another thing, if you do take toys away, I would recommend giving him a set time like 2 days and then he can earn it back by doing extra chores but if he doesn't earn it back then you donate it. With my 3 year old she loses things to the closet if she hits with them or doesn't pick them up when asked. She washes windows or sweeps the kitchen floor to earn them back and it isn't about her doing a perfect job, its about her learning that there are things we do in the family to participate and to get the privileges that we have.
never give a threat you won't follow through on. for example I can't go with out her having a nap or some quiet time, for my sanity I need that break as much as she does so if she doesn't take a nap I put on a movie for her--I won't take that away so I don't use that as a punishment.
yes at 5 he can pick up his own room. especially if he has to do it every day, they can go through like a whirlwind but it isn't too much to take out so it can get put back. plus having to care for it himself, he will find that its easiest to put things away before getting something else out.
teachers use this same type of format...they don't let the kids line up to go home or to go to lunch or recess until everything is put away. there is structure and expectations, kids really respond to that. in all honesty I wish I had someone telling me I can't get on the computer unless my chores are all done...I probably wouldn't waste so much time in my day! lol.
good luck!

My boys are the same way. My priorities are this: clean & easy. Hubby thinks I enable a bit, but like I said, clean & easy. I put stuff in piles according to where they go (we've got drawers but everything has its place like you have) & he puts them away. If it's taking too long, I set a timer. If he doesn't do it before the timer's run out, he either takes a nap, stays in his room for a while or I make him get the trash bag to either throw it all out or put it away for a few weeks (depending on the size of the pile-I can't stand the thought of throwing away an entire garbage bag of toys from 2 boys' rooms but if it's a Walmart bag, too bad for them).
We're lucky. In the house we're in now, both of my toy-having kids have walk-in closets. I put all of their toys in there. If they aren't picking up their toys, I simply put the padlock on the door (I've got the flap kind of locks that you put on a shed or something that you can slip a padlock through) & the toys are put away for at least a week.
And my mom (a teacher) said that she's found it to be true-kids always act worse for their parents than their teachers. Don't you feel lucky? :)
Stop arguing with him too. He's getting the better of you if you let him keep going. I'm sure you don't allow him to talk back, but when he's arguing with you, that's basically what you're doing. Tell him what he needs to do, turn on a timer & let him watch it count down & explain what will happen if he's not done before the timer is. Have him repeat it so you know he heard & understood you. Then find something to do elsewhere. I go back every few mins to update my kids on the time-even the one who can tell time-so they realize they're running shorter on time.

I think that the trick is to be reasonable and do what you say, not caving in or taking the easy way out. It is much easier to do it yourself than to get compliance but kids need to learn to do things and to take pride in doing them.
Good luck, patience is essential in raising kids and this is just a test.

Hi F.--
Sometimes at five the task of "clean up your room" seems so overwhelming that they don't know where to start. Try making smaller requests....first pick up all your legos. Done? okay, now put all the books on the shelf. done? Next put all the crayons away....etc. At this age they are capable of cleaning their room, but not always comprehending exactly how to do so. If you break it into smaller sub-sections it is easier for them to comprehend and plan and it doesn't seem so overwhelming. This is what has worked with my five year old (incidentally, he did the same thing as your son until I tried this--now he's super helpful).
J.

I have taken away anything my kids didn't pick up and hid the items in the basement and then slowly brought back items. If they put them away they get to keep them. Also, I have given items away that are constantly left around. It works.

My son Nicholas was the same way. I helped the first couple times, but stop if he stops. Then I make a huge deal when he does a good job. He gets really proud now and wakes up early to clean his room to surprise me. He even makes my bed for me.

My sister sets a timer and has her son see how much he can clean up before it goes off. She says that he is usually into cleaning and just finishes it even after the timer goes off.

I would say try focusing on the posivite. I just changed my daughters sheets and made her bed a couple times. The next day, she got up and did it on her own. (she's 4) I praised her and told her what a good job she did, now she has been making it since. If you see him pick something up make a big deal of it, maybe he is a kid that thrives on praise (which ones don't right?).

Hi F. - the task might feel too big and overwhelming to clean his whole room. Try giving him one task to do at a time and then build on that with rewards and consequences along the way.

At 5 my son was responsible for putting his dirty clothes in the hamper when he undressed and for picking up toys that he played with that day. Early on, I would tell him to pick up specific things like first pick up all the cars and then I might work on the books. Then when he was ready to handle more, I would tell him that he needed to pick up the cars and the books, etc. He rarely did the jobs alone or without my prompting but I'm sure there are lots of kids that do it just fine. My son just enjoyed having company.

Later at age 6 and a million lego pieces later, the consequence was that anything left on the floor after he said he was done cleaning up was gone. I usually put it away or down in the basement, etc. This helped for those little tiny pieces because I told him that they would get vacuumed up and then be gone with the trash.

Basically, give your son small and quick jobs to do that are age appropriate. Also, help him to not let it get so big it becomes overwhelming.

Sorry to say that I this is going to be a never-ending battle for all of us until our kids are living on their own.

F.,

I faced the same problem when my son was 6. One day after multiple requests for him to clean his room, I told him if he didn't take care of business, I would come back with a trash bag and everything on the floor would be thrown away. When I made good on my 'promise' he begged and cried saying he would clean his room. I told him it was too late, he had been warned, and as tough as it was to follow through, I put everything in the bag and left him in his room. Later (after we had both calmed down) I went back and we talked about responsibilities and how when I asked him to do something I expected him to say, "Yes, Mommy" and then do it. After about a week of him keeping his part of the bargain, I had another talk with him and asked if I returned his belongings - this time only - would he continue to keep his room clean and do what I asked - knowing that if he got sloppy and lazy again I would trash everything for real. It worked and we never had another confrontation!

Good luck!

E.

I've never had any luck with this, and my kids are polite angels in most areas. The best I can offer is that you give him one little task at a time, and be very specific. e.g. "I want you to put all the Legos into the Lego box."

The whole concept of cleaning a room is boring and tense and alarming to a child, because it's cutting into the time that they get to enjoy real life, isn't any fun, and feels like punishment. Hell, I HATE cleaning, lament it constantly, bane of my existence, and I'm 49! Hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate it. I can't accomplish anything fun or productive if I'm cleaning. I'm CONSTANTLY stressed over doing productive things and kid activities vs. my obligation to clean the stupid house. And my husband comes home and points out the things that aren't clean. Absolutely worst part of my life, hands down.

My goal is to have them do a little better each year so that when they leave for college, they will automatically be neat and respectful with regard to their roommate and their shared environs.

They are 8, 10 and 13; good at picking up the t.v. room, setting the table, cleaning up the guinea pig bedding & feeding them, putting away groceries, feeding themselves breakfast & lunch. Not good at carrying stuff upstairs & cleaning their rooms; towels and clothes land EVERYWHERE. Good at hygeine, manners, and eating all varieties of food. One of them bakes complicated recipes really well.

You might never win this particular battle, or it will be a long process. Good luck!

Give him a time limit to clean the room. If the toys are not put away correctly by the end of the time limit, take them and put them in a large bag. Do this until he starts picking up or he will lose all his toys. I am at the point that my kids have started picking up after themselves for fear of losing video games and toys. Good luck!

Make it a GREAT day!

S.

No brainer.... you tell him ONE time (no counting to 3 or anything like that) that if he doesn't pick up his room, whatever is left on the floor is gone!!!
He can always earn it back. But each and every time you ask him to pick up something- if he doesn't you HAVE to take away what he cleary did not want to pick up.
He will learn soon enough...
The earning of the stuff back through chores is also key. It may sting now, but a good life lesson for the future!

If he has no desire to earn things back or still won't pick up, then his stuff goes off to goodwill. And he goes with you to watch it go... of course that first trip it can just be a few things you don't mind parting with- but it is more about him seeing what can happen if he doesn't listen.

Good luck

We were having the same problem at our house until we started to use the concept of the "house fairy." My three oldest kids (6,4 and 2...my 11 month old doesn't clean yet:) ) each have a little box that they keep in the family room. Every week or so, the "house fairy" randomly comes (they never know which day it will be!) and inspects the house while they are asleep. If their jobs are done and their rooms are clean, the house fairy leaves them a surprise in their little box (sometimes coins, or a small treat or toy). If the house is messy and they haven't done their cleaning, she leaves "pixie dust" (a little glitter) in their boxes, and sends a bad note to santa. This has really motivated them to keep their rooms clean, and even help me with other jobs around the house, so the "fairy" will leave a bigger prize! As I write this, my 6 year old is scrubbing the inside of my microwave, and my 4 year old is using a little brush to clean my tile grout! They probably aren't doing the best job (especially since I'm at the computer instead of supervising:) )but, at least they are trying, they aren't complaining, and they are learning skills that they will need later in life. Good luck!

I was reading in this months Parents magazine an article about this. The mom came up with this story about the toy fairy and she would come and take his toye is he didn't pick them up. Find the magazine, it was a great article and it seems to work wonders!

That is what we do with our 6 yr old daughter and 3 yr old son. After 2 warnings our daughter gets all of her toys taken away and has to earn them back. Same with the 3 yr old but we do still help him clean his room.... so if he isn't helping then the toys get taken away and he has to earn them back!!!! Its usually a great motivator.

http://www.housefairy.org/index.php I don't know from personal experience, but I have heard that it works well, and is worth the $15.