Having Trouble with 12 1/2 yr.old in School and Home.

I knew you had been divorced before you said xmother-in-law. That's the problem. He's probably upset about the divorce. Most kids from broken homes act up and are very confused for quite a while. Get him into counseling and you keep telling him that mom and dad love him and the divorce isn't his fault. Let him know that a lot of people fall out of love and it's nobodys fault, it just happens but you both still love the boy.

Are you married to his father? If not, could it be daddy-related issues? Perhaps friend-related issues? You need to find out now what is going on rather than wait. There are so many things it could be besides the obvious ~ puberty. Perhaps just talking with him about it will reveal what is going on in his heart/life.

N.,
Have you ever tried taking him out to get coffee or out to eat, just the two of you? Making a routine of it? So he gets attention from just you? Maybe he feels like he is getting yelled at a lot and adolescents is a hard age and many struggle to find who they are and tend to feel adults always have high expectations of them. Maybe do something where he can have fun and get to talk to him. He probably has a lot on his mind with school and friends and identity. He might not open up to you 100% but this way you can tell him how much you love him and possibly get a little more respect from him. After you meet ask him if he'd rather help pickup his room rather than dust the living room. I know it really sounds silly, but put yourself in his shoes and try and think about what might make you feel good. Its sometimes really simple things that help. Its all about communication.

All the best
Best

Had a similar problem with my son at the same age. First, he has always been the type of kid who seems to swim upstream. He likes to challenge, shock, test adults, but it got really tough in adolescence. His first year in middle school was a really tough transition, but when he entered 7th grade he found school sports and it really turned him around. He got positive feedback from teachers for the first time, and he really began to feel good about himself. Yes, time to time he is still a pain in the neck, but his grades have improved and he went half the school year without a single detention!
I won't say that everything is perfect, but it sure is a lot better. If you keep your eyes open and can honestly rule out the big stuff (drugs, sex, criminal acitivity, serious mental health issues), then be patient, loving, firm and consistent in discipline when he crosses the line--things will get better.

I am a teacher, so I see these boys all the time and I know what you are going through. Even though he is talking back, be sure to set very clear boudaries and have very specific consequences for breaking those boundaries. Make sure he knows the consequences ahead of time, so you dont have to waste time fighting and explaining them when he does act out. It is rough to be a preteen boy in our society. Give him space, time to vent, respect his privacy, but always trust your mother instinct. A lot of my 4th and 5th grade boys and even my sixth graders who have moved on the the middles school seek me out to talk to me b/c they know I was always fair and just, even if they did not like the consequence. they always knew I respected them and their ideas but there were always rules that were inforced. Boys often times, as we call it try to "save face" they feel like they have to act tough, get smart or loud, to look cool or fit in. It is truly a rough age for boys! One more thing, treat him like an adult and give him adult consequences and responsibilities, it has helped most boys who come through my classroom doors.
I dont know if this helped, I hope it did.

My son just turned 18. It's been a rough six years. Basically, he's a good kid. However, there is so much coming at kids today via the internet, TV, music, peer pressure. We have kept communication open. We sought counseling and we worked together as a family and with the counselor. Drugs, alcohol, gangs are everywhere. There is no safe neighborhood. Sounds like you have a good relationship with him so talk to him. Maybe your husband can approach him. Maybe it's a guy thing. We always let our son know we loved him, no matter what. However, there were certain things we would not tolerate. They need a good deal of structure from parents. Don't hesitate to see out a counselor to help. You'd be surprised at how many kids/families are in counseling today. There's no shame in that. Good luck. You have an exciting few years ahead of you1

Firstly, I don't know if he does already, but he needs to spend time with a positive, strong male role model to show him how men are supposed to act. That should rub off and perhaps he'll start behaving more like a mentor to his brother.
Second, have his friends changed? Make sure you know all his friends--have them hang out at your house.
THird, does he have limited or total access to the computer? Pornography has become a huge problem for young men that haunts their adult relationships and lives--nip it now! Blessings

I totally understand what you are going through, I also have a 13 year old son, soon to be 14! that went through some rough points. It got to the point were he got transfer to an alternate school to finish his 8th grade, for too many write-ups to the principals office. We have done just about everything possible, I had him enrolled in an IOP(intensive outpatient program) at Linden Oaks at Edward,(www.edward.org)they help us a lot! We also search his room for any clues that would help(putting everything back just the way it was,we had to choose our battles, fight over dads tools that he claim never took after we found them,or keep on looking for clues, you can't give yourself away) so we came upon his myspace password, we searched him out, and to our surprise it all started to make sense. We took all privileges away, but he has earned most of them back with the exception of the computer, he needs to be supervise, kids are very snicky, so I always set the alarm on, take the phones with me including his cell, at night time also they the computer keyboard and mousse. In our case I have always been more lenient and my live-in boyfriend of 7 yrs.has more of the black or white character, so it has been a struggled to set rules and to have them followed, but consistency and keeping our word seems to be working well for us now. Good luck!

God bless Nicki, in regards to your 12 1/2 year old son. I have 4 beautiful children of my own. I pray to God that what your son is going through is just puberty. I went through the same things your going through with my third son who is 19yrs old now. I don't want to alarm you but, not all the times is puberty. When my son started giving an attitude for everything I will tell him to do, I started doing research. he will get irritated out of nothing, his atitude was like a by polar child. I though puberty had gotten the best of my son. But it wasn't puberty, he had started hanging around with the wrong croud and doing things he wasn't suppossed to do. Now a days kids get pressured into doing things, like drugs, been in gangs and so forth. Just to be cool. I'M a minister in the church I attend to, and this new child that my son had turned to was all new to me. I started doing research as I said before. I found out that my son was doing drugs. It was really hard dealing with the cituation but we did it together. my advice to you is,Set a day just for you and him, take him to a special place were only you and him will go, sit down with him and ask him if anything is bothering. tell him your there to help him, and that no matter how bad things are he could always count on you and come to you to talk. I hope this helps it helped me.

Hi N.,

I have a 13 year old that we had the same problem with. I know it is not easy but you have to stand your ground with him and make sure he knows that is just not acceptable. Takes privledges away until the problem stops. Each time a problem is tackled for 2 weeks straight and things are going well then he gets a privledge back. I have made my son learn in the grand scheme of things that PlayStation 3, I-Pod, Going on outings with friends and such are just that privledges. He figured it all otu very quickly.

Good luck!
D.

My children are younger, but my cousins child went through a similar stage. After much pressure to talk it turned out he had been dealing with a bully at school and didn't want to make things worse by telling. He then in turn took out his anger and frustration on his younger siblings. You may just want to take him aside and ask him directly- guarantee him you won't do anything without discussing it with him, I.E going to the bullies parents. If this is the problem you will need to help him find a solution, but let him help so he can regain some of the power the bully takes away. Good Luck-

I am so glad to hear someone else goin through the same thing as me and my family, except it is with my 13 Yr old daughter! To just like your situation with your son she is being very disrecptful to her teachers as well as me and her father..she has her moods and one day she can be sweet as pie and the next whole month she is almost impossible to deal with! I am constantley receiving phone calls from the school not only her teachers but the dean and the guidence counslers. Her grades are horrible and she is blaming it all on me and her Dad! We have 4 children she is the 3rd and the only girl, I never went anything like this with my 2 older boys..not like this anyway, just so disrecpectful and she thinks that everyone owes her everything!!!!! I am also besides myself with her and don't know what to make of all this, Puberity? Hormones? Is what everyone keeps telling me, so all I can tell you is be patient and try to be understanding but yet stand firm and let him know that YOU are in charge NOT him....That is what I am trying to do

Good Luck to you and your Family
K.

I am mom of 3 boys 12, 7 & 6 months old so I knwo where your coming from. My 12 year old this year ahad grown almost 3 inches! Has facial hair, raging testosterone and his voice had been changing almost the entire year. The biggest change however is like you said, the ATTITUDE! He has been honor roll, and one of those kids that would never think of talking back in the past. Now he yells at his brother for even looking at him wrong.
We have had luck over the last few months with a new approach. I used to yell at him and say be nice, or treat him the way you would like to be treated. Don't walk away from me when I am talking to you etc! Now we send everyone to bed 1/2 hour before him. I use that time to talk to him about anything he wants to talk about. Turns out some of it he talked to Dad about but that is ok~Dad tells me later. Sometimes he just wants to watch a TV show alone, or maybe play a game of scrabble with me. Once he and I had ice cream an he knew his brother wasn't getting it so I think it just made him feel like we appreciated him as an equal instead of talking down to him.
I also take him once a month with 2 friends of his choice to anywhere they pick. He saves the money for his own cost of the event and we drive them there. Either I get a sitter or my husband and I take turns going on the outings if we do not have a sitter. Some of the things we have done last 3 months are: The movie Jumper PG-13, an unlimitted laser tag night at a local arcade, A trip bowling (without brother is key). Hope this helps, good luck!

I have a young lady that will be 13 and she is the baby. I found that talking and taking away important privileges for her worked. I also found that the behavior was peer related somewhat. I try and make extra time for her as well. As the oldest myself and with my kids I find they also feel the younger ones are more doted on and it really is not like they think it is. Also see if you can incorporate special things for his stepping up as the oldest. It really is a hard time and puberty and hormones really hit all hard. You will do well I am sure and you will get so much help and responses here.

I would take him for an unexpected text for drugs.

If not that, find an excellent therapist in your area.

Another thing that works is to see if he will enroll in a marshal arts class. There is a child psychiatrist that is teaches marshal arts and has some of this patients in his class. A great combo. He is in the northern suburbs of Chicago. If you need to know his name, email me. My friend sent her son to him and he is doing outstanding.

M.
Former Professional Counselor
www.super-science-fair-projects.com

N. I'm sorry to say I don't have a answer for you but I am also in the same situation! I thought that it was not only puberty but I also got divorced last April from his father! I am new to mama source so this is the first time I wrote or responded to anyone. I'm sorry if it bothers you that I'm just writing and don't have any advice to give you but I just related to your letter. Maybe someone will respond to one of us and we can help each other. I have 3 boys 14,8 and 5.

N.,
We had the same thing happen with our son. He just turned 13 this past January. Puberty is the reason why he is acting this way. It will get better, but I don't think that attitude is going to go away completely. It comes with the territory. Make your expectations clear, be a good role model (this matters more than ever), give him respect eventhough he doesn't deserve it-you'll teach him how to be respectful. He has chores that he gets paid for and those that doesn't. Those payable chores that he doesn't do he just doesn't get paid which is a real bummer when he wants to buy something and can't. Then the chores that he doesn't get paid for he receives a consequence for it like no computer or video games over the weekend etc. He chooses all the chores in the beginning of the week and has to have them done by Friday. It is so hard because they look older than they really are (my son is 5'8"), but he is still a little boy who needs his mommy and daddy. As long as you are his biggest supporter and allow him to make some mistakes with your supervision he will learn and grow up to be a great man. Going through this the second time with your kids is so much harder isn't it. Stay strong and know he will be fine because you care so much.