Having Trouble Keeping 3 Yr Old in Timeout.

This should help.
Why Time-Outs Don't Work http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/9/22_Why_Ti...

Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

Let him decide when time-out is over. You put him in the chair and tell him to think about what he has done, and tell him that when he is ready to behave in the manner you dictate, he may get up. When he leaps out of the chair, say very cheerfully, "Oh wonderful, you are ready to behave!" Even if it is one second later. If he repeats the offense, put him back, but he will quickly see that he is in charge of his freedom through his behavior.

What is the purpose of time out? Does mommy need a break? Does a behaviour need correction? Think about the purpose.

In my professional opinion, time outs are really a silly concept. What does it accomplish? How does it change the behaviour? Do you both just need a break? So why start another fight? Would you appreciate it if your "boss" sent you to the corner each time you did something he did not agree with? How would that inspire you to do or be better? You would rebel and probably quit. Your child can't "quit" on you but they sure can make it miserable for both of you.

Here is I recommend:
First and foremost, you are the parent, you set the guidelines. Parenting your children is far more effective then punishing (time out sounds like a punishment for both of you) . The term discipline means - a system of rules of conduct or method of practice - so PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child. If they are doing something you don't like tell them what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.

It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. You state in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't (whine, be disrespectful whatever the behaviour) in this family. So in this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give him the opportunity to calm down and formulate his thoughts)"

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on his part. There are no consequences, just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations. You MUST have your husband on board.

T., if you don't teach them daily...yes daily...things will not change. AND you have to treat yourself daily.

And if you think they don’t need to be reminded daily, just take a drive and count how many speed limit signs there are on the road, how many stop signs there are...how many traffic lights there are. We all need constant reminders of the behaviour that is appropriate to our leading healthy productive lives.

Make sure you are consistent. If you "let it go" once, he will be affirmed that he can "get away with it" again. The more consistent you are the sooner it will stick.

Get your family on board. Anyone who says "boys will be boys" will undo all that you have done.

This consistency works for all challenges. When we tell our children what we want...
stay close to mom when crossing the street
hold my hand in the parking lot
eat your veggies
play nice with your sister/friend
sleep well
make good choices
respect your toys, etc
you will get exactly that...

Try this little experiment with your kids. Say to them
DON'T THINK OF A PINK ELEPHANT. Now ask, what did they just do? Right they thought of a pink elephant.

Now try this: THINK OF A BLUE DOG. What did they do? Right. They did exactly what you said… BOTH TIMES.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Focus on what you want and you will get it.

Does this help?

B.
Family Success Coach

IMHO timeouts put you in a win-lose battle against your 3yr old -- which you've realized is a tough place to be. : P

For an alternative discipline method, check into Jane Nelsen's "Positive Discipline". She has a website you can find from an internet search & there should be lots of books available at the library too. Another good start is "Kids, Parents & Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

Both give you a way to approach discipline from another angle so that it becomes more helpful and less struggle-full. The benefit is that both authors help children to internalize values and learn analysis and decision making. The timeout method has *you* being the evaulator and *you* being the enforcer. Neither is work that I want to do.

Email me if you'd like more info or some ideas. Approaching discipline from this perspective can feel really weird at first if it's totally new to you. (BTDT) However, once you get the hang if it, you'll never go back!

L.

You can't hold him there, as he WILL be bigger than you someday, so you need to get him to obey your words.

I had to place my 2nd son on the naughty mat 27 times in a row. I was almost in tears, but I am the parent. He would get up and walk off, and I would pick him up and place him back on the mat. Finally, he realized that he would not win this battle.

The next time it took 7 times of placing him back on it.

The time after was 3 times....and then after that, he stayed.

He's now 3, almost 4 and if says no, when I tell him to go to the naughty mat, then he gets a swat on his rear AND sent to the naughty mat.

We are very clear with our rules and we have to be consistent....otherwise it won't work.

The other thing I do, is give options. You may either do as I have asked OR you may go to the naughty mat. It's really not much of a choice, but often, my 1 year old daughter will say, "maughty mat" and goes off to the nughty mat. Once she's done, I still tell her to do what I have asked. If she doesn't want to, then it's back to the naughty mat until she decides to do as I have asked. They quickly get that they WILL have to do as I have asked, even if it take a few trips to the naughty mat.

Be consistent. We never get them off the naughty mat until they have calmed down and have been quiet for about a minute and can talk with us calmly. Then we tell them, in a few words, why they ended up there.....and then hug them and tell them that we love them.

You can keep slamming his behind back in his time out spot over and over again, as Super Nanny does. It may take 45 minutes of grooling work to finally get him to understand that YOU are in charge and that is that! Don't give up or give in.

We are spanking family (swat on the bottom). We work out way up to that punishment. First, we use our words. If my words don't work then I'll physically move the child to make them comply with a firm voice, "Pick up the toy and put it away." leading them to it and to the toy box. Then there's time out if that does not work. If time out on a step does not work, they are sent to their room, which for my triplets (not my older boys) is a harsh thing for them because they hate being separated from each other, so they won't play, they'll just get upset waiting to be allowed back together. And the finally punishment after all of that is a swat on the bottom and sent to their room. All kids are different and with my 5 it took getting swat just once or twice and they would listen. I have two others though, oldest and youngest, who are hard headed and will/would get a swat more often. But at the end of the day I tell them that they have a choice to listen to my words or listen to my hand. They know what they hand feels like so they usually choose the words and comply, or at least don't make it to the hand stage, lol.

Do not give up or give in. Keep doing it until the child breaks and complies. If he gets the upper hand now, it'll be hell to pay when he's older and you try to enforce rules. We all see this in grocery stores, right? Moms give up out of frustration or embarrassement. My oldest used to take many trips to the restroom to comply to behave, period. And try grocery shopping with 3 rowdy triplets, lol. They MUST comply and behave or we do the "line up" thing and they listen then.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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What are you using for timeouts? A specific chair?

I usually put my daughter into the kitchen in timeout (a place she chose) and she sits on the ground. Even if she lays on the ground in the general vicinity, I do not acknowledge her. If she does get up, I put her back in the space and tell her if she moves, she'll go to her room. This is the worst for her because she does not like to be in there with the door closed (I don't close it all the way - just pull it partially closed). I tell her when she's ready to listen she can come out. Usually it takes less than a minute.

I suggest having timeout be where ever you need it to be - on the corner of the couch, in the bathroom, in a corner, etc. The main idea is that he is not allowed to continue doing whatever was the problem, that he is not allowed to talk to or play with you or siblings and that he is 'thinking' about what he did. This can occur anywhere.

Yesterday, my 2.5 year old and 7.5 month old were in the bath and she kept taking a toy from him. I have a rule (because he does not understand sharing yet) that if she wants a toy he is playing with, she has to give him another and ask if she can use the one he is using. He wouldn't give up the toy he was playing with (he had a death grip on it) so I told her he was not ready to give it up but it would be her turn soon. She threw a toy at his head (soft plastic one) so I pulled her out of the tub, soaking wet and put her on the floor. I told her we do not throw toys so she had to get out. She said sorry and I asked if she wanted to get back in. She did and it was over!

I watch Supernanny, but I'm not a fan of her disciplining techniques. It may work with a 6 year old, but our 3.5 year old can be downright impossible to rationalize with at times.

So, we've found the most effective punishment currently is to take important things away. Time outs are completely ineffective.

Your message indicates that he doesn't regard your authority in the same regard as his father's, but because he's unruly with you both, he's challenging your authority, and you need to establish it quickly and completely.

That being said, you definitely need to have an effective punishment for bad behavior (taking away favorite TV shows, toys, etc), and you need to reinforce the good things to a greater extent.

Our son helped me load the washing machine last night, and I made sure to praise him for doing a great job and helping. It's the positive reinforcement that we want to stick with them more than the scolding. It always feels better to be praised than scolded, but we remember the scolding so much more.

Hello, When my husband and I had custody of one of our grandsons, we tried to help him through his anger over the interruption his parents' visits caused. He was so angry that it was no longer a tantrum, it was full out rage. I took him to a therapist who helped me to help him through this time. Our grandson was 2 1/2 years old. The therapist's suggestion was to put him in time out in his room. I told him that he would just walk out of his room. He told me to hold the door shut until he calmed down and as soon as he did to open the door and say, "Okay, we will try again." I was amazed that this actually worked. You have to stick with any "behavior modification, so don't give up on whatever you decide to do. Be consistant and you will eventually see changes. It is actually normal for him to test you. Our grandson is now 11 years old and is a real sweetie.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

Hi T., try discipline, instead of time out. When you fight and struggle with a child, you are putting them in the same control that are trying to gain. Children and parents can not be on equal playing fields, somebody must be in charge and it should never be the child. The other responses you got talk about punishment, not discipline. J.

In addition to everything else:

When a child does something that is not acceptable... what I do is give my kids a chance to "redo" it. I tell them "redo that..." and I give them a chance to redo what they did in a better way. That way, a child gradually learns... HOW to problem-solve and HOW to cope with something. It gives them skills.... beyond just a punishment. And it goes beyond "discipline" because it teaches them "skills" to handle a situation.

In time, you will see that they child gets real articulate in realizing... that there are other ways of doing something or behaving... but you need to work WITH them on the "redo" and perhaps give them suggestions...because he is still young.

For example: he tantrums because he did not put away his toys when asked. So you say "Redo that. Do it over. How can you ask for help nicely, to put away your toys? Then Mommy can help you and we do "teamwork." or, if he asks for something in a rude way- tell him "Redo that. How can you ask for it in a better way?"
Main thing is that the child try "their best." Don't expect "perfection" but that the child is trying, per their age and development. They need to get praise as well, afterward, for "trying their best." Sometimes kids get irked or frustrated because they CANNOT do something perfectly... like how their parents expect them to. So, then they just tantrum. So observe that and him... and per the situation, give him the opportunity to "redo" his "mistake."

all the best,
Susan

Time outs mean time out. Nothing clever, just repetitive.

The way it works is you tell him he is going to time out because........escort him to his time out chair and the 3 minutes begin (have a timers so he can watch it). If he gets out of the chair you start all over. Escort him to his time out chair and the 3 minutes begins. Do this no matter how long or how many times it takes.

You are the adult, you have the most patience. Prove it and do it. Do not yell, do not look worn out, look authoritative and act like it.

Do not attempt to hold him there. He needs to know he can stay in the chair on his own and that you will not give up on him. He need s to succeed at this. It takes practice just like learning to ride a bike.

I have known parents have to do this for over an hour almost 2 hours and finally their child realizes, wow, they really mean this, In the future each time, that time out is mentioned, your son is going to know you are serious.

Once this is accomplshed, tell him, "I knew you could do this."

I can really relate to this because my three year old is almost impossible to keep in time out although she is getting better over time. She is very active, strong willed and , let's call it . . . tenacious. I agree with what many have said that you can't yell or show frustration (although we all do some days!) I am not totally against popping the butt but don't use it for my kids because it tends to lead to more bad behavior from them afterward (usually hitting each other). I use a few different techniques. One is to repeatedly return her to timeout, but I do not hold her there. She is very strong, and while I am stronger I just find it creates a bad atmosphere to physically struggle like that because she will really fight to the end! As she is getting closer to 3 1/2 it is working better to tell her if she gets out of the time out, mouths off, has a fit etc... I add time. It goes from 3 minutes straight up to 10 minutes. It only took a few 10 minute timeouts to convince her she didn't want that again! When she is having a really obstinate day the next step is I send her to her room for 10 minutes (I put a hook and eye on the outside of the door for this purpose). She really hates that separation so I don't have to do this often. The other technique for these days is losing something coveted (fave toy, that painting we were going to do later, the cookies we were going to bake together etc...) I don't like to do this all the time because I don't want to constantly dangle something over her head like that. i want her to eventually to learn to make choices based on what is right, not solely on benefits! Above all stay calm and be in charge. A book that has helped me with my exuberant young children is "Raising the Spirited Child." Might help.

My kids are now 5 and 7, when my first was 2 we were watching super nanny, and it was the best thing. We learned to put her down to sit, for the time of her age, and it gave eveyone time to think about what just happened. Maybe because we started early, our kids did not get up and walk away. Do what Supernanny suggests, just pick your child up and place him back. Do not speak to him since this is giving him the attention that he is seeking. The first time you do this, it could take a long time, but it should not end until he sits there for the time you tell him (Suppernanny does the minutes equal to their age). If you do this each time, he will stop getting up since he will realize that it does not get him what he wants. Even the holding down is giving him the attention he wants from Mom and Dad.

My kids do not get time out any more (maybe the five hear old has gotten one in the last 6 months), but I think it was a really good way to start the discipline until they understand better through conversation. And a 3 year old is old enough to know right from wrong, and if not, this is a good way to teach him.

Good luck

Time out...oh so popular, has it downsides and can backfire. There are many gentle discipline site online that give alternatives. Time out has morphed over the years from a break for child and parent into a punishment. Maybe go back to seeing it as a break allowing for de-escalation. Maybe say, "We need to do something else." The phrase "time out" probably has a negative connotation now for your three year old!

My son was the same way! I went through the wrestling/holding phase but looking back I don't think it really teaches anything.
What I found more effective was losing a favorite lovey/toy/activity for a set amount of time. I used to put his most beloved lovey on the fridge in plain sight and he got the message....good luck!

Don't hold him there, that just makes them fight it more. Just keep putting him back. Over and over. Yes, it's aggravating, but eventually they get it. Mine, including my almost 4 year old, have gone through periods where they ran out of time out. After several times of putting them back, they would get a swat on the butt, then put back. Eventually they just get the point. It took varying amounts of time for each of my children, but none of them ever leave time out now. They stand there dutifully until their time is up. Sometimes though, timeout isn't what's needed. We can take away a toy they were playing with or something like that and not give it back until the next day.

How about putting in some room where there are no toys o r anything to do a empty closit with a light on i use to sit them down and say no every tme they tried to move or you might drprive him of something he liked good luck i raised 4children and now have 7grandchildren yb the way they do grow up andyou will missss the little ones A. no hills

Updated

HOW ABOUT PUTTING IN SOME ROOM WHERE THERE ARE NO TOYS O R ANYTHING TO DO A EMPTY CLOSIT WITH A LIGHT ON I USE TO SIT THEM DOWN AND SAY NO EVERY TME THEY TRIED TO MOVE OR YOU MIGHT DRPRIVE HIM OF SOMETHING HE LIKED GOOD LUCK I RAISED 4CHILDREN AND NOW HAVE 7GRANDCHILDREN YB THE WAY THEY DO GROW UP ANDYOU WILL MISSSS THE LITTLE ONES A. NO HILLS

try using an egg timer. 1 minute for each year of age (3 min for 3 years old). He knows when the timer goes off, he can get up. Hope this helps

I can't access the other replies, so please forgive me if I repeat anything. I had that same issue with my son. We tried holding him down for a while too, but realized all we were doing was forcing our will on him and he wasn't learning anything (just how to fight harder).
We used a timer to help facilitate the time-outs (that put all the pressure on something outside of Mommy or Daddy, so we weren't always the bad guys and he had something to look to in order to determine how much longer he would have to sit in time-out). We also brought the timer with us to the park, etc. when we were having trouble getting him to leave a desired activity. We would tell him when he had 10 minutes left... then 5 minutes... then at 2 minutes we would set the timer and tell him when the timer went off it was time to go. This helped a lot in the beginning and now we don't need the timer anymore... just give him a heads-up and a few reminders when it's nearing the time we have to leave.
We also switched to more of a positive reinforcement approach. We use an "earning" chart. Throughout the day he can earn stickers on his chart for a specific larger goal (like a special outing or activity he wants to earn). He can lose stickers by not listening or making bad choices, but he can always earn them back.
You have to set them up for success, but show them there are still consequences, but there are always more chances to make "good choices".
We also used a redirection approach to avoid time-outs. When it was obvious that he was facing a challenge that could result in unwanted behaviors, I would give him a warning and then list two or three other options he could choose instead of whatever it was he wanted but couldn't have or do at the time. Once he saw he had other options, it was easier to redirect him away from the unwanted (doesn't always work, but most of the time it helps and he feels like he has some control over the outcome, since he's choosing his next move, but I get to set the parameters by offering two or three options that are approved).
I know it's a challenge and finding the right approach is a personal family journey for sure.
Good luck and best wishes,
-P. (____@____.com)

I really liked Barbilee's answer. At 3 a child hasn't learned right/wrong. It's a parents job to teach our kids that; several moms had great suggestions on how to do that. If you feel timeouts are necessary, keep them short, just long enough to distract the child from the unacceptable behavior, cool down everyone's emotions, and then discuss what would have been better/right/acceptable behavior. Another form of discipline that worked with my kids was to pull priviledges such as riding thier bike, tv time, etc. Make sure any discipline is age appropriate and that the "punishment fits the crime". Good luck. Parenting is the hardest job in the world, but also the most rewarding :)

We had the same problem with our children and then after reading 1-2-3 Magic, I realized that a time out didn't necessarily have to be in a "spot" that required the child to stay in. So we started simply sending the child to their room and if they tried to come out of their room, we'd shut the door and place one of those little childproof door knob covers on the inside of the childs door so they couldn't come out. In the beginning, there was a lot of resistance from the child, but now there's like an invisible shield in the doorway. My daughter simply will not cross it. Works like a charm. She uses her own self control to stay in the time out.