I hear you. I know this must be very frightening and stressful for you.
I am a child of divorce and it sounds a lot like your situation.. "Back in the day".. divorce was frowned upon and so my mother tried to stay with my father.. way too long.
I hated the fighting, the yelling, the tense environment. We all had to walk on pins and needles around my dad, because you never knew what would set him off.
When they sat us down and said, we need to talk about us getting a divorce I told them I knew "they did not love each other anymore". They were shocked.
I was thrilled he would be leaving. everybody else was upset and crying.. I held on to a lot of guilt until I was an adult. But I realized as they had told me. Their divorce had nothing to do with me.. It was their marriage.
And so it was just us girls. My mom sat us down and explained things were going to change. No more yelling. If we had something to say, we would speak politely with each other.
She explained we would have to help more around the house. She was going to be working more, so we would have to get along when she was not with us.
She also told us a new rule. "If we promised to always tell her the truth.. She would not be made at us, no matter what it was we did. She might be disappointed or hurt, but not mad at us..This was a huge change. And to this day, she has kept her word. I have now used this "rule" in our home and in my life at work and with friendships.
With my father we were expected to always be perfectly behaved.. Meaning what he felt was well behaved. The rules changed all of the time and it was hard to keep up with his changing expectations.
My mother also explained there would be less money, so we would need to be very careful with our purchases. No more eating out. We would be shopping sales for our clothes. No more going to the movies.. etc..
This was fine with us. We would rather do with less, than to have to live with the stress.
My mom is now my hero. She raised us with high expectations. She was not always able to be at our school events, but she was always very supportive. We did not know any difference. It was just our lives. I do not think I suffered or missed out on anything learning to live on a tight budget.
I feel like my sister and I became independent, strong women. We knew when to ask for help and we knew that honesty and hard work would always get us through.
As long as you do your best, you will not have any regrets.
Be sure to ask for help from friends and family. Asking is a gift you give to them.. People love to be asked.
Be good to yourself. You deserve to be happy and safe and your children deserve to have parents that are the best they can be.. even if it means they are not together.
FYI, It took my father decades to get his own life together. He had always been controlling and self centered. Once he realized he was always so unhappy, he went for help through therapy.. He is a totally different person and has made amends to all of us, even my mom, and taken full responsibility for his poor behaviors. It is the best gift he has ever given us.
I will keep you in my thoughts and I am sending you strength and peace.
