For the past month, my 5 yr. old has been over sensitive when people tease/joke around with him, being very selfish, and has been argueing with everything I say. I will send him to his room, but right when he comes out, another arguement starts. I have tried taking away toys, talking to him and explaining why the way he's acting is not ok, everything except hitting (which I dont really believe in) nothing seems to be working. I'm at my witts end. I want to do fun things with him, once a week we even have Dominic's day, but everytime I do, I end up taking it away from him or leaving because of his attitude. He has been through alot in the past year. I got married(not to his dad), we bought a new house, his dad had a new baby, now I'm about to deliver, and we've been very busy with the baby coming in about a week. My son has always gotten alot of attention and I have never had any kinds of problems like this before, so I think he's just having a hard time with all the changes. Will this ever go away? Is there something else I should be doing? Please help.
First, I just wanted Thank everyone for there great advice. I had the baby, and he has been great. We have been making sure to include him on everything, and my husband has been doing everything with him. Everyday he gives his baby sister kiss galore, and as for the arguing, it has gone way down, and he's a big help. Thanks again.
I would try putting him in a martial arts program. This will help his welf esteem and also work on the discipline and respect issues you are working on at home. I work with a lot of children and has definitely seen how this has made changes in their life. I am not sure where you live, but I run an excellent program in Glenview. If would like more details, you can reach me at ###-###-#### ext.222. Good luck! K.
I have a 7 yo girl who has an attitude most days. I send her to her room & let her think about what she has done wrong. I think it might be because of all the changes going on around him. It's hard for him to understand what's going on around him. There's just too much changing around him so fast, that he doesn't know how to really cope with it. Try again with sitting down with him & talking to him. Ask him how he's feeling & that might give you a little insight. Include him when the baby needs something. My daughter loved to hold her baby brother when he came. She helped me with some of the feedings & wanted to know what was going on with her sibling all the time. As I said she is 7yo & my son is 2. I hope this helps a little.
I have a 6 yr old who has been through much of the same things as you are listing, and she's been pretty resiliant, but it did take some time to get adjusted... about a year.
Something else I learned in the meantime was to not expect her to grow up too fast! I constantly tell her that we are a family and in order for us to work, we have to work as a team. We try to all follow this and do things like clean the kitchen or yard as a family before doing something fun. Routines take time though, and children will only learn by repetitive example.
There are probably a couple of things going on. First, maybe he feels unsure about the new situation- by that I mean, maybe since his dad left and started a new life separate from you guys, he's afraid that you will leave him too. With the new babies, he is likely feeling a bit overwhelmed and maybe even "replaced" and sensitive.
My best advice is if he is in school to talk to the school about some counseling if things aren't improving, BUT I would try at home first. I found the best way to communicate with my daughter is when we are doing something where she's so involved she's not necessarily "thinking" about what she's saying and doesn't have to make eye contact- like up to our elbows painting something, or making a collage, cooking or baking cookies, etc.
Another good time is right before bed. Maybe if you don't have a bedtime routine, it would be nice to start one. This quiet snuggle time can provide you with a great opportunity for him to tell you things about his day or feelings- and you can choose the books so it might provide even more discussion.
One more thing- I would let him have some sort of routine like this with the new father-figure. It really helped my daughter when she realized that she had a lot in common with her step-dad that *I* didn't even have- like enjoying playing computer games or board games. Can they start a tradition?
I find that the more engaged and entertained my dd is, the less she acts out, but that doesn't mean you have to provide entertainment 24/7... just let him know what to expect and when. I often forget that children THRIVE on routines and discipline. They don't like not knowing what is going on or what is going to happen next.
And lastly, good luck. I found 4 and 5 yrs old to be hard ones and it might just be a phase where he is trying to test you more. Don't engage him in arguments- just have a code word or tell him it's not an appropriate response and continue to discipline the same way. Eventually, he'll get it.
:) Hugs,
Amanda
He has been through a lot in such a short time. Sometimes negative attention is better than none. At least then he knows that you are paying attention. When he does get sassy let him know its not approiate and then although its going to be tough do not feed into it. Make sure that he knows he is loved no matter what. Make sure he is involved in the preparing of the baby,house and other things that you are doing so feels involved and that he did it. Talk to him...as a kid about his feelings. Ask his opionon on colors,names,clothes,and even if its 2 choices you give him. Kids always want to be involved and feel like they are never left out. I am sure he is having a hard time. He just wants to be loved and not moved over with all these different changes.
A.,
Trying to reason with a five year is impossible; I've tried that with my 6 year old and he still doesn't get it. Sounds likes he's had a lot of changes. Give him a couple more months but try a time out chair for bad behavior. Put him in the chair and if he gets out, don't look at him but put him right back in the chair. He's five so you could start with a time-out of 3 minutes or so. I know the general rule is a minute for each year of your child but when they've had so many changes I think that you should cut them a little slack. I hope that helps.
K.
Hi A.,
You are right. It sounds like your son has gone through a lot and it is affecting him deeply. If, as you say, these are new behaviors, he may be having a lot of feelings about babies and how they affect his life. I have a few very brief suggestions / questions:
RE his dad: Does your son get to see him, and regularly? This is very important to a little guy. If not, do what you can so that his dad knows how essential he is to his son and finds a way to carve out separate time for your son that is special to them, as well as some time with dad's newer family.
"Attitude": Suggest that you see his negative behaviors as having reasons behind them that make sense, and GET HIM SOME HELP. Find a good child social worker / counselor. He could do some play therapy and find an outlet for all of his feelings and slowly sort them out. Maybe some family counseling is in order. If you have a new baby in the house, include him, but realize that he will have reactions to losing some of your attention. This is normal. If you don't / can't do counseling, do some play therapy yourself with little dolls, including a baby, and the two of you talk about having a baby (through the dolls), seeing or missing daddy, etc.
Try not to react to his behavior (don't know if you do). Sometimes we get mad as parents when our child misbehaves instead of staying calm and non-reactive. Kids need us to love them no matter how they act.
Books: I like books by Louis Bates Ames simply titled YOUR ONE YEAR OLD, YOUR TWO YEAR OLD, etc. Get "YOUR FIVE YEAR OLD" and see what may be normal five year old developmental behaviors vs. real problems. These books are easy to read and not too long.
I am sure you'll get lots of suggestions. Good luck with this and with the new baby.
Barbara
