Having #2 and Scared

Everything wotks it self out. I got pregnant with my 2nd (not planned ) when my first was 3 1/2 months old. I am now pregnant (unpalnned) with my 3rd and my 2 are now 2 1/2 & 1 1/2. I can tell you seeing my first to play together, hug & kiss each other, even fighting is so worth it. I am a stay at home mom and struggling like the rest of the world. Just have to give up some things to get others. You will get by. You might not get a new bag or pair of shoes but you will have 2 wonderful children to watch grow up. Good luck.

That is all totally normal!!!! Of course you worry, you are a mom. First of all, not every baby is the same, even your own. My two boys were like night and day different! Worst case scenerio let's say you do have another fussy baby. You've done it before, you know you can handle it and you know you can get through it. You don't know your own strength and perserverance!!! If you are nursing try more holisic remedies to the post partum, again you know the signs and symptoms, if you aren't nursing there is ABSOLUTELY no shame in asking your doctor for a little medical help through that period in your life. There are some very good (weight nuetral) medications that can help give you the boost you need. Of course you worry about your finances, but you'll manage we always do. You are not betraying your first child, if anything you are adding an blessing to her life. You are giving her a playmate and sibling to love and bond with! I remember when I got preg w/no. 2 crying to my sister that I didn't think I could ever love anyone else the way I loved my first son. It seems so silly now, I love both my children. I cherish their different and unique personalities.

You are not alone.........I am pregnant w/number 3 after a 10 yr break w/husband number 2. My biggest fears (regardless of how unrealistic they are) .....I had two large (my smallest 9 pounds), healthy babies. They were happy, content babies. Didn't fuss, latched on to nursing great, just couldn't have asked for better infants. I fear that I will have a very small, delicate, fragile baby. I fear I may have a colicy or fussy baby. What if they won't latch on to nurse and refuse (financially I really don't want to do formula). We have no baby items anymore (but are having a large family shower). I did not have post partum, but what if I do this time. What if my older children resent me for bringing this loud, colicy, time consuming, delicate package into our home. My boys play lots of sports, are active in the community, belong to scouts, etc. How will a c-section and infant take away from the time I spend w/their activities.

I know in my heart regardless of the size, shape, disposition, eating habits - I will love and care for this baby. I know my husband (this is first and last child) will do the same. I know we will hit rough patches, but I love my husband and have confidence that we can get through this. I know my children will, eventually, come to bond w/their new sibling and form their own relationships together. I know financially it will work out, you juggle, you manage, you cut corners here for now and there later, you make it happen! I know this baby will spend its fair share of time at their siblings sports, scout and other events, just like we have always done (strapped to my stomach in a nipnap, straped to my back in the carrier, or in the stroller - life goes on). My children have learned to adjust to the noise (we are a fun, loud family), the busy life style we lead and I hope in the end have fun and some great memories of how we tried to support them at their events as a family and did lots of family things together. Plus we have trusted friends and families (and my oldest will have his own car soon - there's some cause for concern!!!) and we have offers and help for activities. See I just talked myself off the ledge!!!

Trust and have faith in your own strength, the strength of your husband, your marriage and your support system!!! Don't be too proud to ask for help, know your own limits and enjoy this addition to your family!!!

R..don't be scared. You have to develop a frame of mind about having a second child. I am a mother of five and the first is always the hardest. after that it comes to you very naturally. You just have to include the 18mo. old in everything you do with the baby. Make the 18mo. feel that he/she is helping you. Also, while pregnant, keep talking about the new baby, have the 18mo feel your tummy and let he/she know the baby loves him too and it will all fall in place. There is a big time period between children, so you still have plenty of time for your 18mo. old. Of course, there will be moments that the child will not want or like the baby, but you should not make an issue of it. Because then, they resent them. I hope that I have given you some insignt into your dilemma. M. S, Lullabye land day care & learning center.

The way you are feeling is completely normal! My two are 15 months apart, and even though I planned it this way, I completely freaked out before having my youngest (now 3.5 months)...same things you are talking about - am I ruining my daughter's life by having another, can we afford it, will I ever sleep again? I can reassure you that you are not betraying your first born! I felt the same way and have been very surprised with how well my daughter adjusted (she transitioned from basically ignoring the baby to now talking endlessly to, and about, the baby). They will grow up together and be the people that they know the longest, which is pretty neat. And you will be surprised at how much you can handle when you have your second. The sleeping part is kind of exhausting, I'll admit that, and it can be challenging, but the good so outweighs the not-so-good. My suggestion would be to create as large a support group of people around you as you can before you have the baby and make it very clear what you need help with (shopping, walking the dog, laundry, watching the kids so you can shower or take a nap, etc). We do not have any family nearby, so I have someone who comes in and helps me on the weeknights when my husband is working late so I can bathe them and feed them and get them to bed. And people help me with cleaning and other chores, walking the dog, and playing with my older child so I can have some time with my younger child. The other thing I did was keep my older child in daycare during my maternity leave so I could have one-on-one time with the newborn and then spend time with my daughter in the afternoon without feeling like I was neglecting either one. This worked for me but it may not be the best situation for everyone.
You'll do great! Two are so much fun!

Hi R. -

Thanks so much for being so transparent and sharing your innermost feelings with us. I have 4 kids and can tell you that I had times where I just wanted to walk out of the house because it gets very overwhelming at times.. I totally understand where you're coming from.

I can tell you that having a support team of other women has been tremendous for me. I work with moms all over the area on a regular basis over the phone- we keep each other motivated, we pep each other up and we set each other straight when we're down. It's not easy being a mom, but if you make sure you have a support team that will not forget about you, it makes a world of a difference.. :)

Big hugs- feel free to contact me privately, i'd be happy to chat..

Hi R.-

Don't be afraid. Sometimes the thing you fear most will cause it to happen to you. I don't know what your belief system is but I always tell people trust in God. Always remember that for what you are going through, there's someone with BIGGER problems. Relax and think about what you wrote in your "About Me": "Married to a wonderful man, mom of spirited and sweet 18 month old and parent to one adorable little french bulldog." Focus on the good things in your life.
Even if the baby does come along crying, remember it won't last always. I have 3 children and one is special needs. If I fretted over everything that "could" happen, I'd pull my hair out. My son has seizures. Guess what though? I don't sit around waiting for the next one. Someone has far worse problems than I.

A little about me: I work at a large financial company and I also own my own business and provide free coaching/mentoring for individuals with stay at home businesses. I am newly married (Sept. '07) but we've been together for 5 years. I have 3 children, 1 is special needs. He's the best little boy! Christopher is 7. My other 2 are 13 (girl) and 20 (boy).

You're feelings are normal! I had them too when we got pregnant (surprise!) with our 2nd daughter. The girls are 19 mos apart. We hadn't planned it and I had all the same worries you did. Now that our daughter is 13 weeks, I'm breathing a sigh of relief... yeah, the first month was hard, but it gets easier everyday now that she is sleeping 10-6.

And let me just say, that everything from the birth, to recovery, to breastfeeding, to baby care is easier the 2nd time around. I swear! You'll have some "bumps in the road", but it will be easier because you actually have a clue and know what you are doing. And once you see your baby, all those worries won't be so bad.

Congrats & Good luck!

R.,
You are not crazy at all, but completely brave for admitting you feel this way. I am currently 33 weeks pregnant with my second and feel the same exact way. My first born is 2 1/2 years so I may feel even more guilty as I feel like I devoted so much time to him individually and now he has to learn to share his father and I. I also feel guilty since I will never be able to give my second child (a girl)the complete attention I could my first since there will be two of them and only one of me. Just remember the hormones and sleepness nights are just a phase (aleast I keep telling myself this to get through it and prepare for the next steps). It will be better for your first born to have a sibling to share all of her life experiences with (again what I keep saying to myself, of course talk to me in July and I may be speaking a different tune, ha ha.). Seriously though, it is wounderful that you have had this second opportunity at creating life. Try to enjoy it as much as you can and put your fears aside. You have been a great mom to your little girl and you will be a great mom again to number 2. Happy Mother's Day.

oh honey, your not betraying your first born by having another child. If anything your adding to her, the love of a sibling. take a deep breath and let it out slowly. everything will be alright. if you need to, join http://www.freecycle.org/ you can find a group or few for your particuliar area. you can get and give good things, such as baby clothes and such. I don't know how you'd feel about cloth diapers, but they are so much cheaper than using disposables. if you'd like to know more about getting used cloth diapers, feel free to pm me

everything will be alright. hugs

Hi R.. Just wanted to "ditto" your other responses. your fears are normal, but try not to let them get the best of you. It's good that we have this little community to encourage each other and hopefully you will feel better after reading these responses! I was nervous when I was pregnant with my second because I was so in love with my first little guy and I spent SOOO much time with him it was so hard to imagine loving anyone as much as I loved him. I struggled with it throughout the pregnancy but it's really amazing how you just do love the next one, in a different way, but the same. You'll know when your little one is born. Family will always help out with the kids and your husband and you will have time together, but that's something that you guys have to decide that you WILL do and really make that time. It's SO important to keep your bond with your husband alive and it will be you just have to keep at it.
Giving your 1st child a sibling is really such a gift. I don't know if you have siblings, but I'm so thankful that I have my brothers. You're giving them a lifelong friend and a bigger family that will just grow as they grow and get married and have their own children.
Keep on mommy...pregnancy is hard and I'm sure horomones have a lot to do with it. Praise teh Lord that you got pregnant so easily with this next child. I hope everything will go well!!!!

R.,

Take it one day at a time. if that seems too rough, one hour, one minute at a time. Take deep breaths - they help you and the baby. Stretch a little - arms and legs - get the circulation going. Don't know if you're warned off exercise or not, but if you're not, take a walk in a safe area. Bring a sling chair with you, and sit in a favorite spot and enjoy what Momma Nature has going on out there.

I'd go on about worrying about things you have no control over, but can offer you this: There is not one thing you can do for any of the worries you posted, other than relax, breathe deep, eat right, drink lots of water, and sleep when you can.

If you are truly worried about your finances, go here:

www.flylady.net

She has a few ideas that are free (the emails are free, jump in where you are, don't worry!) for things you can do to improve your finances.

I can't tell you you are nuts. You have concerns, and want to know if they are valid. I think you know where you stand on most if not all, and yours is the voice you need to trust the most. Don't beat yourself up about any of this. Be kind to yourself, and remember all your routines with your family, and while your time table might be off (I got sneak nap attacks all the time) your family will understand, I think.

Good luck, congratulations, and well done! Patience is a virtue, and you have been very patient waiting for your one, and now two children.

Be nice to yourself!

M.

Dear R., this advice may sound strange coming from a man, yes I am a Father. To tell you how I came about being on Mammasource is that after being the sole financial supporter of our home while my wife stayed home to homeschool our seven children, I got reinjured permanantly (I am a disabled vet to begin with). So now my wife is at work and I stay home and homeschool and do EVERYTHING that any Mom would. So here is what may seem simple advice, but I have found that through my faith we actually serve a simple God, it is us who make things complicated. So His advice is this: In Matthew 5:25-32,34 it says," Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns: yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature (i.e how can worrying add any value to our lives)? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lillies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field which is today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. (vers34)Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
I understand R. that you may not know or believe in God, but regardless, first what you feel is normal. Change always brings about a certain fear of the unknown, but know this: if you love your first child, you will love every child that comes along after; whether that be two or ten. Even though we obviously live on a very strict budget, there isn't one of our children who lack for love, nor when speaking to them, do they feel they lack in the materialistic world. Yes, they all have friends who some have their own computers and tvs and cell phones and all the other materialistic things that people (and sadly alot of parents) think make them happy; but, if you ask my children, they will tell you the most important thing to them is knowing their Dad and Mom love them dearly and take the time to show them. So relax, stressing out will not add to your life, only take valuable time and emotion away from you that you can spend being much more productive toward your beautiful child and husband, both of whom would love to see their Wife and Mom happy with life as it comes. We can either allow our circumstances to control us, or us control what we do with the circumstances of our lives. As the saying goes, live one day at a time, for we can do nothing about the past, nor predict the future with any certainty, all we have is today and that is why it is such a precious present. Be blessed with your new blessing. God must trust you and your husband, for He is giving you another one of His precious presents to watch out and guide through this crazy world. Smile!

I felt the same way when I had an unexpected surprise almost 2 years ago. I will tell you that it is very hard to juggle life at first. But it does get better. I also have a 3 1/2 year old and I just find fun things for just her and I to do. We have story time at night before she goes to bed. When the baby is napping I devote all my attention to her. Trust me your house work will get done. That was my first mistake was worrying about my house. Well good luck they are so precious!!!

Although all you have mentioned is possible...Know every pregnancy, birth and baby is different....what you have experienced with the first may not happened with the second.

Have you expressed all your worries and concerns to your husband and doctor...if not do so and then try to let go of it all...

Having all these negative thoughts has got to be a horror for you and will in fact affect everyone around you....

Take one day at a time......
Try to focus on postive and happy things. Work on learning how to relax.

Take a yoga class....learn how to meditate...candle lite epson salt bath with soft music....lunch with the girls....a day trip to your favorite place....a romantic dinner with your husband...

You need to learn to be good to yourself. You've been blessed and life is good. Allow the good things to happen. Everything will fall into place.

hi
what great supportand advice you've received! i am not prgnant w/my second, but am considering it, and your fears/worries spoke my mind. i don't even have pregnancy hormones! i just wanted to say thanks, i have benefitted from the responses too. i really couldn't resist after seeing we had the same name too;) you can do it!!! happy mother's day.

Hi R.,
I had exactly the same worries that you have. My daughter was also smart, spirited and sweet but cried constantly, nursed for comfort and needed to be held alot. I panicked when I found out I was pregnant again when my daughter was 11 months old. My son couldn't have been more different than her. He was such a blessing. He was the happest baby, slept all the time, smiled when you looked at him, only cried when he was hungry and slept through the night at 2 months. So, don't assume they will be anything alike. I also felt like we needed a bigger home. We were in a 2-bedroom condo. We should have stayed there much longer. It was a lot of pressure to move and set up a new house while pregnant, not to mention the added financial pressure. I also worried about how my daughter would handle me dividing my attention, but she adored her little brother and he adored her. It' nice when they are close in age because they do everything together. So, relax and try to enjoy this special, crazy time. It goes so fast.

Fresh air.
Long walks with the baby. Preferably, to the park where there is lots of trees and greenery. The greenery brings extra oxygen and calmness.
Sunny days also create a chemical reaction in the brain which is stimulating for both babies and moms (everyone basically).
Bring water for you and baby. 1 cup or so an hour for you and 1/2-1/3 as much for the baby.

Everything you are feeling is normal. Relax! It will all work out, it usually does. I'm not saying you won't miss sleep or some alone time, but you'll fall in love with that little baby and your daughter will have a baby brother or sister to bond with and grow up with. There is nothing greater. You will be surprised at how well you all adjust. It will be different, but in a good way.

Good luck,
Y.

Hi R.,
This may seem like adding a new responsibility but my suggestion will take care of several of your concerns at once. Work at home! This will allow you to spend more time with your first born, will bring in potentially a whole lot more money than you're making now and you will be free to do a whole lot more than you ever thought you could do. Check out www.ReachingGoals.org to see if that's of interest.

I hope you feel beautiful with this pregnancy as well. I sure did with my second.

L.

Hey R.,
You are so normal! Yes, it sounds like the pregnancy hormones are taking their toll on you! I'm currently pregnant with #3, my toddler will be 22 months when this baby is born. My oldest is 9. So I'm in similar shoes as far as sleeplessness goes :o)
But continue looking for those reality checks to help balance your nerves. You will be fine, I promise.
And honestly, as far as betraying your daughter goes - having a sibling is a wonderful thing. My 9 year old benefits so much from having her sister even though they are so far apart. Single children suffer so much more from loneliness, your little ones will be such good friends.
gotta run, mine woke up :o)
-H.

Before the birth of my second child I braced myself for a tough year. Knowing how much work a newborn is and how much time my 18 month old required, I figured it would be crazy. I had forgotten how much joy a new life brings into the house and was pleasantly suprised how easy it was the second time around. Also, you are giving your daughter a wonderful gift of a sibiling which is priceless! As they get older 2 can definitely be easier than one because they will have each other to play with.

Hi R.,

When our daughter was 8 months old, I found out we were expecting again...I was elated, because it took us almost 2 years to conceive our daughter, but freaking out at the same time!

It's so natural to feel the way you are feeling. I DREADED the sleepless nights again, all of it...It was hard for me to really enjoy motherhood the first time around, I was tired, unsure of what to do, all that first time mommy stuff...

I was so pleasantly surprised when our son came along...I never once minded getting up...never once, honestly...I always kept it in the forefront of my mind as to how quickly the babies grow...Everything truly just fell into place when he came into our lives. Of course a new baby rustles things up again, but that's just life!!

We have since had a 3rd baby (3 in 4 years!!) who will be one on the 15th...a sweet baby girl who is the light of our lives. Embrace all that you're being blessed with...pray for a beautiful, healthy baby who SLEEPS!! LOL!

Best wishes to you and congratulations!

J.

I mean this in the nicest way possibe... the second time around the hormones seem to make you more nuts than normal.. lol
I felt like a total nut job with my second pregnancy, but was fine with the first.
I felt a lot of anxiety with the second one just as you are although we wanted a second one.
The transition for your daughter should be minimal being that she is still young. Chances are very good she won't ever remember a time when it was just you and her, or you, Daddy and her, so any adjustment issues should be very short lived. (these are things I was told- and found to be true so far.) It's more us with the issues becuase we "know" to have them- we have learned them, where as our children don't know any better yet. Not sure if that makes sense to you. lol Just try to sit back and relax, and enjoy this pregnancy!

Don't feel crazy, I experienced the same feelings.
It took my husband and I just over a year to conceive our daughter and when she was 8 months and I was still nursing we got pregnant again. It was crazy, I think we only had sex once and it happened. I felt a bit like an after school special, all it takes is once. But I was scared how was I going to handle 2, could we afford it. Would we have to leave the city? Our apt is so small!!! I can tell you that as your pregnancy progresses it gets better, I am due in July and I still worry, but I am getting more and more excited by the day. I am excited that our daughter will have a sibling, to play and confide in. I loved having a sister close in age, and that is what keeps me going. All the other stuff will work it self out. I am not a religious person, but my mom always tells me that God only gives you as much as you can handle.
good luck!

R.,
Everyone feels a little bit anxious about a child whether it's their 1st or their last. There are a lot of things that could scare someone off of wanting to have a child. But there is a reason that you chose to have another. I 'm sure they're all wonderful reasons and those are the reasons you should be focusing on now as your little one grows inside of you. Good luck with your pregnancy and relax and take each day at a time. Enjoy being pregnant, it's a blessing that not all women have; including myself. I was blessed with the two children that I have, but there were two lost and now I'm only 27 and can't carry any more children. Everyone has anxieties, try to think about the good stuff.

Hi R., It is very natural to be apprehensive about your second child. Try not to over-worry about all those things. The baby is already coming and you can transfer these feelings to him/her. Each child is different, you won't be a new mom, you may not have the post-partun issue and all the other things will work out. I will pray for a nice healthy baby for you. My best, Grandma Mary

I would start by breathing very slowly and taking a HUGE step backward not to mention start being kind to yourself! Pregancy throws you totally out of wack at first and later remember...? Take it easy and tackle these things one by one. It will all come in time. My girls are 14 months old and we are figuring it out day by day. I want it all to be resolved yesterday (housing,finances, jobs...) BUT I do not have the resources or time to make it ALL HAPPEN in a day. You need to do this too for your health, your baby on the way and your current family. Be well.