Have You Ever Cut Ties with a Family Member and Has It Affected Your Kids???

as the child of a parent that cut ties with his siblings it has effected me horribly.
I have learned that what ever it is , it's not worth the loss of family.
I just recently saw my Aunt at my cousin's wedding for the first time in about 10 years. My father didn't go to my cousin's wedding. Because of the feud and his stubbornness he missed my closest cousin's wedding. She adored him when we were kids , then they split. I don't know the last time she saw him. It's not worth it.

I have several experiences with this. The earliest I remember was when I was about 10. My mom & 2 of her 4 sisters had a falling out. The family was split in half, and they haven't spoken since. All I remember from that was my sister & I thinking "Thank God" because the children of both the sisters were very toxic. They were around our ages (10-14) and already going out with boys, they'd shoplift, manipulate us out our allowance money, drugs, etc. We were so thankful we didn't have to visit them anymore we didn't care.

Second instance was with my brother's common-law wife. She hates kids. After a recent visit she posted pictures of my kids on a public site and commented how great one was and how crappy the other one was. Needless to say I cut her out instantly. She wasn't even sorry! My brother chose her over us and rarely sees his nephews anymore. Not that he saw them much to begin with. My kids never liked her anyway because she was nasty and rude to them, and they haven't suffered a bit from the loss.

Anyway, sometimes, I've found, it's for the best. Just because they are blood doesn't mean you have to tolerate nonsense from them. If she weren't related, you wouldn't think twice about cutting her out. Surround yourself with supportive people instead!

Hi Carol,

I had to cut ties with my sister due to her being verbally abusive to me. We live in the same small town. It was hard at first. I felt lonely and had to go through a grieving period. Even though the relationship was toxic, I missed her. She is my only sister. I went through alot of different emotions, anger, grief and then finally relief. It took about 2 years to work through my feelings. I am now in a good place.

My kids were 5 and 9 when I cut our ties and it did not affect them.

My sister used to leave nasty messages using foul language on my answering machine. She crossed boundaries and did not respect me. The nasty messages got worse for a few months after I cut ties. She also started bad mouthing me to no end. I had to just ignore her and it finally stopped.

Good Luck, Stay strong

Okay, this is totally like a situation I had... with one of my sisters.

My sister, is JUST like yours.
ALL my life... she was just a bully, manipulative, difficult, picked on me, NOTHING was ever enough or good enough... and NO ONE COULD EVER PLEASE HER and she just liked to control everyone.
She even told off a school Principal once... because she thought she was right and he was wrong. This was in High School.

Anyway, no, it was no one else's fault. My sister is just a problem and a bully and manipulative and a master at emotional blackmail.

Once I got married, she did that to my Husband too... then when I had kids she did that to them and tried to control my kids and Husband. It was BIG problems. So... I told her off. I cut her off. I told her I will NOT put up with it anymore, I told her she needs a Shrink, that I am NOT HER DOORMAT anymore... and I am TIRED OF BEING THE 'NICE' SISTER... .and it will be over. Period. I told her I will NOT put up with her bullying my Husband and creating marital problems for me.... she actually tried to break us up.. and would bad mouth me to anyone who'd listen, including my parents and my now deceased Dad who was severly sick at the time.
BIG DRAMA all the time, with her.

So I cut her off.
With people like this, being 'polite' does not work. They don't understand that. They are just Bulls.
I stopped interacting with her, stopped going to any functions where she was there, and told my family, I will not engage anymore.

that was then.
NOW... she has 'changed.' She is now a 'normal' human being... she even got Therapy for herself, and I don't know, but I think she has medication. I think, she just had mental problems.
So, now we all get along.
BUT.... I do not, and will not, "trust" her completely... because... I know how she can be and how manipulative she can be. So... that is the caveat.

You have to be smart.
Some people use other's as their emotional "dumpster."
You have to decide, if you want to be a dumpster for someone else... or not.
AND how it not only impacts YOU... but YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY/HUSBAND/ AND CHILDREN.

I told my Husband/kids... that I am protecting them... that Aunty is not well and has problems... she can't be nice.

All the best,
Susan

It sounds like you and your family would be better off w/o your relationship with your sister - as it is now. I would spend some time deciding what it needs to look like to be worth having her back in your life. Tell her what that looks like and what you expect of her before you will have her back in your life. Good luck.

Why did you cave to her? Your mom would have been just fine on the train. If she uses the train & it goes well, maybe she'd be able to visit more often!

My point is, your sister can only function as a dictator and princess if she is allowed to. You & your mom are two grown women and if you two decided that was best, I don't see why your sis should have any say in the matter. The fact that your mom "refuses to learn how to drive, look for a job or learn to speak English" has nothing to do with this dilemma, does it?

You might not want to "cut her out of your life" but you definitely need to set some boundaries! Good luck!

I am sorry about your problems with your sister. I have a difficult sister and I am very close to her children. About a year ago we had to cut ties due to some things she did and said to our mother. My mother cut ties as well. It all lasted about six months. At first it wasn't easy but it felt like a weight was lifted due to all the drama being gone. It was difficult for all of our children though because we didn't see them much and they are all very close. All sides tried to let them communicated between each other but it was hard. Eventually, my sister apologized and we all made ammends. I wish I could say things are better but she is right back to her old self. We explained to our children that sometimes adults don't always agree and it may take them time to work through their problems. All the kids understood (around 8 years old) I guess my answer is it will be complicated but you might feel that weight lifted. Best of luck to you.

I have seen this happen with my parents, as well with me and my sister. Thinking back when my Dad and his brother weren't speaking, it did have an affect on me because I missed the visits with my Grandmother and cousins. I just thought they should say sorry. I understand, sometimes the relationships just won't work and sometimes your broken relationship makes the whole house upset when the two are in the same room. Not much you can do in that instance.

When my sister and I were not speaking, I felt she discussed more than necessary with my nieces and nephew. One day when my husband and I went to dinner at my Mother's house and everyone would be there, we both felt the kids were very uncomfortable around us. The loyalty lies with their parents. As for my daughter, I always told her this is between me and her Aunt and she should not let it bother her. My sister used to call and ask for my daughter, ask her to watch the kids and come pick her up.

In most cases, something happens where you need each other again and you end up speaking.

If your mom is 50 and healthy there is no reason she should not get on the DART train. It is convenient, easy and saves YOU time so you can be mom like you are supposed to be doing. There is nothing wrong with helping someone out but it is wrong for them to use you and take advantage of you. Stop being the doormat.

I am in Plano and it takes me about 30 minutes to drive to downtown Dallas so I don't know where you are located for it to take you a 3 hour round trip unless you are going in the highest peak traffic time of the day.

It sounds as if you have been enabling your mom. She should respect the fact that you have a family to care for.

As for your sister.......yes we have cut ties with my SIL. It has been such a relief to have this toxic person out of our lives. My daughter was 14 when we cut the ties and she completely understands because she has been around this person at times. THANK GOD, they are a plane ticket (Pittsburgh) away so we don't see each other.

Being from the Dallas area, DART doesn't go to Ft. Worth, she would have to take the TRE from Ft. Worth to Dallas then switch to DART to get to Plano -maybe that is what upset your sister. And, I agree with one post, you should make the drive to take her home. Three hours round trip w/ a 1 & 8 yr is not that bad, especially when it is your mom.

Now, to your sister...I understand being around toxic family members and yes, I have cut ties w/ some family members. My kids are paying the price, but I know it is in their best interest. I don't understand how you can cut ties w/ your sister when your mother lives with her. Would this just cause problems with your mother?

I have felt a huge burden lifted by cutting ties and my quality of life is much better. Saying that, I still wish I hadn't had to make the decision to cut ties. Now my children have no connection to my side of the family.

You will need to decide the best way to deal with this so as to not cut out your mom too. You can set boundaries on how much communication you have with your sister. First you can block her on FB. When you hear her voice on VM and you know it is only to be hateful and isn't about your mother, just hit the delete button before you hear the entire message. Also, when she calls don't answer, let it go to VM then do the above mentioned. Lastly, don't engage in her bantering or antics - in other words, don't let her suck you in.

You have the control on how she makes you feel. It is really is up to you on how you react to her. Setting boundaries gives you the permission you need to move on w/o completely cutting ties.

You should do what will make YOU the happiest. Only then can you provide a "good (calm) home life" for your children. And that should be your main concern...

Tell the oldest the truth. I believe in no secrets when it comes to dealing with other family members (or they may come between you someday). She can handle it, and needs to hear it. She will respect you more and will learn from you how she can make tough decisions in the future. She needs to know to stand up for her happiness, and you ARE her role model.

It's hard to let go of family, which I have had to do also... I guess that is because we have been made to want to try and hold on to it. But, I have plenty of friend's who know way more about me than most of my family. Times have changed.

I think if you brought your mom over in your car, you should take her back. If you are trying to avoid seeing your sister, let your mom know that ahead of time... and simply don't get out of the car. But, I do think you owe her a ride back.

Best wishes!
E.

i was going to say if the relationship is affecting you then cutting off ties is best thing to do but then i read the additional info you had on mom. limited english. that's a huge problem. i can imagine my mom who understands english but speaks very little, she freaks out if i walk a step ahead of her at a store let alone pack her on a train to send her home. so i understand your sister's frustration who then took it to a whole unnecessary level.
i don't agree with her blow up on you but i don't agree with you picking up mom and then wanting her to take the train back. better don't bring her home if you can't send her back. mom refusing to learn english...again at a certain age, especially women who have not been born in this country do not have confidence being able to learn a whole new language get a job and create a life. my mom would never ever move to the states and start anew even if in the long run it means better life for her she would never do it. so please don't blame mom for stuff like that. my mom doesn't drive, she would never accept anyone trying to teach her how to drive yet she has a very high leveled position in her own country.
you also said she had lived with you at one point but problems occurred. could it be your sister holds a grudge against you for sticking her with having to take care of mom, feed her, provide her with transportation and roof over her head, and there you are picking her up and then wanting to not even deal with bringing her back? there is more to it, like you said, but in this case, unfortunately i am not being able to see your side, or you being right.

Yes, a sister and a brother and a show-down (no loud voices, just proof)with my lying BIL. I made the situation a teachable lesson to my children, there are just some people in life, whether family, friends, co-workers, bosses or strangers, than it is better or easier to avoid or dis-associate than try to placate; with family it seems to be called 'cut-ties' or dis-own.

These lessons always included that people can and do change, just as we change through different life experiences. Of course, there were different episodes over years that culminated into these decisions, and my children saw some of them.

My children were relieved they did not have to put up with their aunt & uncle's or some of their cousins. There was some collateral damage, as lies and mis-truths were told that cast a shadow over the innocent, and this hurt. But a decision had to be made about which hurt was heavier and caused more damage.

I read all of the answers and each one has insight. I must agree with Lola that if you picked up your mom it is reasonable to assume you will return her the same way.

If this is difficult for you why not drive her back with your husband and children on the week-end and stop in downtown Dallas for fun in the water-fountain in front of the Fountain Place building or go to a new mall; in other-words make a brief fun outing to make it a good memory.