Have You?

Sheri Shepard on The View, ABC, had this same problem and has a sitcom in the works on the same subject. That doesn't help much but maybe you would enjoy her attempts to use humor to deal with such a difficult problem.

Good luck.

I was very moved by your request. I have never been through this, but I think you should be very proud of yourself. I can't imagine how hard this is, and it would be easier to throw your hands up and walk away. I hope that your husband is a changed man, and I hope he is a responsible father to both his kids.

I applaud you for not taking this out on the other child. He is a victim of some stupid adult behavior, and is already behind the eight ball because he started out with a broken home. I think it is great that you are helping ot provide some stability for him - he is after all your son's brother and that is such an important relationship.

I am sorry you are in this position. While never faced with this exact thing, I have experienced my own kind of "trauma." I can say that counseling is so helpful for you or both of you. It is not just talking about your feelings, but it helps you come up with strategies for dealing with your feelings in a healthy way. It is hard not to be resentful to your husband, the child, or the woman. I hope you can continue to deal with it maturely and wisely. But your feelings are still valid, and you are absolutley entitled to those feelings. Good luck.

Hi M.,
You got great advice from the 1st two ladies so I just wanted to add kudos to you for dealing with in such a mature and compassionate manner. I agree that it should be your husband's responsibility to pick up and drop off until you are totally comfortable. Counseling is a great idea.

Take Care,
B.

Your reaction was a very real and justified reaction. God bless you. I hope your husband gets on his knees everyday and thanks God that he has you for his wife. If it had been me? His clothes would have been shredded and out on the lawn, and the locks all changed.
I agree with everybody, get therapy, and he should go with you. Please let him know what happened. You were put into a very uncomfortable position.

I have not been in this situation (and pray that I never am) but I was so moved by your story that I had to take a minute to respond to you. If I am ever in this predicament, I hope I can be like you in how I handle it. I truly believe in the vows we take when we are married and know that we must adhere to them when put to the test. I think you have shown such strength and courage and you are truly a wonderful role model.

I am sure it is hard to love this child. I am trying to imagine, though, how he is going to feel as he gets older and comes to truly understand this situation. How sad for him. If you can find a way to love him and be kind to him, he will grow up to love you as he does his own mother. He will grow up feeling loved in a world that can be cruel at times. Maybe he will learn from the mistakes his own parents made. Maybe he will have a greater respect for women, in general, because of you. What an awesome responsibility but it seems that God has put it on the shoulders of a truly remarkable woman, M.!

I agree with the other person who suggested that you talk to the mother. Women are not always nice to each other. I don't understand why women sleep around with married men. I don't know why women aren't always looking out for each other but we need to change that. Even if she doesn't respond well to it, you will know that you took the leap to try to make the situation better and it should help you feel like you are more in control of it. And maybe counseling for everyone would help.

I really respect you and will remember you and other women like you in my prayers.

God bless you for doing this. You are thinking about the child and your own family and not yourself. However, be careful not to be so forgiving that you torture yourself. Do the best you can. The feelings you are having are COMPLETELY normal, and most people would be even more of a wreck. To be honest, I don't think I could do that. I can't ever seem to put things aside like that. So, I will pray a lot for you. You may want to talk to a counselor.

hi M.
i know this has to be so rough. my husband and i had alot of problems as well we tried counseling and all types of books and other advice. the only thing that helped us was God when we got saved he healed both our hearts. it was the best thing we have ever done. i dont know where you are located but if your in norfolk i would love for you to come to my church. Missionary Full Gospel. I will be praying for you and this time in your life. Just give it all to God He can help you.

hi M.
of course seeing her or the baby reminds you of a painful episode and my hat is off to you for your mature compassionate handling of the situation. your husband is very lucky. i would not force yourself to do much past your comfort zone. admitting the little guy into your family and hopefully eventually your heart is huge. doing the picking up and dropping off is really asking too much of yourself right now. you'll get there, but you're perfectly within your rights to refuse to involve yourself in the logistics just yet.
i think couples counseling is an excellent idea. you've taken a giant step in deciding to stay and work things out, and a good counselor can give you some useful tools in getting through the rough moments.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Well M. I have been thru the same ordeal. My husband had a daughter before we met and we had been together for 7 years and we were having some problems and he ended up cheating back with his daugter's mom and she got pregnant. When I found out I just lost my mind in just that instant and he almost had to call 911. I could not breath I was hyperventilating and it was just awful. I was so confused. One minute I wanted to work things out and then the next I hated him and could not stand the looks of him. After crying for days that seemed liked months I talked to family members and my friends and weighed my options and decided to stay and work things out. That was the worst and best day of my life. It was the worst because I found out about that and my heart was crushed and broken into a thousand pieces but it was the best because my husband did a 360 degree turn around and we have had the best relationship since and that happended in 2003. We have been together for 14 years have 4 kids and a grandson. Just to let you know I was not taking her word for it so I made my husband get a blood test just to make sure that it indeed was his child. I no it was not right but I hated the sight of that little boy but as I started being around him I grew to love as if he were my own. M. it might not seem like it now but but you will get thru this. If things are going good and you love your husband don't give up hang in there and you will in your own way learn how to get over this. I hope everything works out for you.

WOW!! That's a lot for you to swallow. Tell your husband how you felt after dropping off the child. You should not put yourself in that situation. Especially now since you know you can't handle it. I think if you keep acting like it's okay, your husband and the mother are going to think you are okay with it. You've done nothing wrong so you are the last one that need to be having guilty feelings.
You should probably avoid any contact with the mother. You have a right to feel like you do.

Hi M.,

I read your post and most of the responses. No, this has not happened to me, but I know so many people with stories like yours and some of the others who responded here. I strongly agree with one of the suggestions that all of you seek some kind of counseling. (At least you should, since this is obviously greatly impacting your life.) You mentioned your husband is a sailor, so you will have access to free counseling through your local Fleet and Family Services Center. I just finished taking a class at the one at NAS Oceana a couple of weeks ago, and the staff there is so friendly. They have so many services that might benefit you, as well as groups for Navy spouses and moms and stuff like that. Here's the link to Hampton Roads FFSC - http://www.ffscnorva.navy.mil/. Best of luck in getting through this.

I have to commend to for being so mature and positive about the situation. You are a saint! I sure hope everything works out for you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make this situation work. If you get to the point that you don't think you can handle it, just make sure you are always upfront and honest with your husband about your feelings. If he is a great man like you say he is, he will understand and respect your feelings. Maybe going to see a counselor and venting your issues may be a good thing to do. It always helps to talk to a party that is on neutral ground. Your feelings are very valid and real. I wish you the best. You are a great person!

I also applaud you for the way you have handled this situation. And it is completely acceptable for you to have these feelings. I agree that your husband should have something legally binding as far as custody and child support to help put some control of the situation in your hands.

Now what I am going to say might floor you and everyone else, but here goes...I would venture to say that this other woman might be feeling a bit emotional just like you. As someone said earlier, her son was born into an already broken home. Now she is a single parent who turns her child over to the father and stepmother for visits, which has to make her sad too. You also won the big battle...you won him back a better man, and she lost. I'm sure you want your son to be close to his brother, so it is important for all of you to really try to get along. But it will not happen overnight. It will take a lot of time. So definitely talk to your husband about your feelings, and then maybe you or you and your husband should talk to her. In the end you truly might end up liking her, loving the stepchild, and end up one big happy family. Again, this will take a lot of time. And by all means, do counseling if you feel you need help to deal with your feelings.

Hope I don't anger too many women out there. It is not my intention. I think you are doing wonderfully with this whole situation M., and I too am proud of the way you are dealing with it.

Also, have you ever watched the movie Stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon? If not, watch it. Not exactly your same situation, but it is a good story about an ex-wife with two kids dealing with the new girlfriend. Lots of emotions, and who knows, something you see in it might just help you with your coping with this situation.

Good luck, and no matter what, LOVE THE CHILDREN!

Hi, M. -- First, big credit to you for treating this child so well and knowing this isn't his fault.

Though as you say "life is good and happy right now," this is the time to get professional couples counseling with your husband; if he's truly changed he should want to do this with you and for you. Clearly from your posting you're not happy. Counseling would be worth the cost in a case as emotional as this, and I'm sure the Navy must have counseling available at special rates. It's good that he takes responsibility for this child and wants to be involved in the lives of both his children, not just the one you and he have together, but at the same time, his relationship with the child puts him in some form of frequent contact with the mother, the woman with whom he cheated. Serious counseling could help him deal with seeing her and help you cope better with the situation of having this child, and at times this woman, in your life from now on. Also, I wasn't clear from your posting if there is a custody agreement, child support payments, etc. already in place. If not, please ensure that there is a formal, legally binding custody agreement, complete with a formal visitation schedule. That protects your husband's rights if the child's mother ever tries to withhold the child from him; it protects her rights and the baby's too; and it protects you as well -- it means you know exactly when and for how long you will be with the child each week. That way you can feel a bit more in control of the situation when the child visits. If you've already got these arrangements, that's good! Hang in there and keep your expectations for your husband and your marriage high, and work on it with a professional.

M.:

I can't express to you just how sorry I am about this situation and what you have gone through.

I can tell you from experience that it does get easier over time. My ex-husband couldn't keep his stuff in his pants and luckily enough never got any women pregnant that I know about.

My ex and I were together for 2 years after his last known affair. I forgave and tried to forget - not easy. I can tell you that you are showing great maturity in how you are handling the situation.

My suggestion would be to thank God every day that your man straightened himself out - yes, it was a hard way to grow up, but sometimes that's what happens. Any way - she is as much to blame as he was - it takes two. People told me I should have taken it as a compliment that my husband was a "wanted" man. Yeah right. So - bottom line - you have accepted that your man stepped out and have worked past it. Now his bad decision had some consquences - how do you want to handle it? You have EVERY RIGHT to ball your eyes out with this reminder but you can't do it every time - it's not fair to you or to your child.

Have you ever talked to her about this?
Does she want anything else from your husband now?
How does she treat you and your son?
How does your husband treat her?
How do they interact with each other?
What does your husband expect you to do, act, etc.?

Can you accept this child and realize it wasn't HIS fault? Can you and DO you WANT to treat him like your son? It's hard. Kind of like taking in a step-child - because that's exactly what he is - a step-child and that means he will ALWAYS be involved with your husband.

Please know all the questions I asked you are questions only you can answer to help guide you through this. I know God will take care of you - Pray and ask God for Guidance, He will give it to you.

Please feel free to contact me privately. I'll be more than happy to help you in any way I can.

Best regards,

Cheryl

I'd say you are not quite as over the betrayal as you would like to be. It's going to take time. Your story brings to mind a similar situation that happened. When we were growing up, my Mom hired a collage girlfriends mother-in-law to be our baby sitter while Mom worked. This sitter (we called her Nana) had 2 grown sons, and it always seemed to us that she favored one over the other in all her stories and in her treatment of her grandchildren. After we grew up, we found out that one of her sons was not her son at all.
Turns out her husband had an affair with her sister while Nana was pregnant, and the sister got pregnant, too. Nana raised the 2 boys as her own to save face for the family (this was in the 1950's). She stayed with her husband and the sister left town but she never could quite get over her favoritism for her own son over her sisters boy.
Your situation could be worse. You are making it though, and an occasional breakdown is to be expected.

M.,

I haven't been in your shoes but my heart goes out to you. Goodness I am so proud of you and I don't even know you. I can honestly say I wouldn't be able to do it. It takes a heck of a woman to do what you are doing. I would say if you are uncomfortable with the situation of drop off things could change. Maybe the Mother will just have to wait for the child until your husband can do the drop off next time. If I did ever entertain the idea I certainly wouldn't be around for drop off or pick up. I wouldn't want to see her or be around her. I would do everything I could to deal w/the child part. Only because a child has nothing to do with their parents choices. He / She is the innocent one there. Take care and you are in my prayers.

How old is the child that you had to drop off?