Have I Done the Right Thing with My 17 Year Old Son?

The common denominator with this situation to me appears to be your new husband.

That's a major change in your son's life. How does new hubby treat you? How does he treat your son?

I guess if I were you, I would have waited to get married until your son was transitioning to the next phase of his life. My oldest son will be 18 in March, is in his senior year of high school, wrapping up all of his childhood "lasts" and is preparing for the next phase of his life, which for him will be a combination of work and college classes while living at home. I can't imagine throwing in a marriage at this stage in his life. What on earth was the rush? Why could your new life with this guy who should be around for the rest of your life not have waited another year to start? You took the most stressful, emotional, and transitional phase of his life and dropped a bomb on it - why?

In any case, he isn't allowed to be disrespectful of you no matter what the circumstances but I think you owe him a giant apology. If there was some reason to rush the marriage (finances, insurance coverage or something similar) then explain that to him. And personally, if I had made a decision like that I would have gone to family counseling to give him a place to voice his side of things and be heard and worked on our relationship before telling him to go live with his dad. That kind of ultimatum (if you can't respect me, go live with your father until you can learn to appreciate me!) rarely works, as you can see. Now he just has more ammunition to validate his perception that you chose your husband over your son and now it's going to be "team son and dad" against you. Not a fight you want to engage in.

Regarding child support, your son will likely turn 18 before this gets to court so child support per se will be a moot point, but you and his father do need to work out who will be responsible for college costs if he continues his education beyond high school. If you haven't already explored financial aid, do look into that ASAP (esp if he's a senior, in which case this process should already be well underway).

I would find a counselor, make an appointment for you and your son, and see what you can do to keep this from escalating further and get yourselves back on the right track.

I'm confused, usually when a parent remarries, they take into consideration how well the children and new step parent get along. They spend time together and get to know each other. They talk about becoming a blended family. You make it sound as if you just married some guy without taking your son's feelings into consideration at all.
I mean really, if it was clear your son and new husband didn't get along then why couldn't you have waited a year to get married, give your son a chance to graduate and go off to college? Seems like it would have been easier for everyone.
Also why is child support and custody even an issue if he's going to be 18 in 3 months?
Something just doesn't add up here...

It sounds like that your recent marriage has not had a positive affect on your son. Does your new husband and son get along? Did they get along before the marriage? Did your new husband change after the marriage? Something has set him off. Did you ask him? Family therapy is what I suggest./

Also, a lot of people are saying that when he turns 18 the child support end. That isn't necessarily true. It would depend on what is in the decree. It might say age of 18 or graduation from High School whichever comes last. So, you could be paying child support until your son graduates from High School and rightfully so if he is living with his bio dad. Child support is support for the child NOT the mom and step dad. Maybe he sees step dad living off of the child support. I don't know. But something has happened to turn a wonderful, respectful kid into a nightmare. Might be time to figure it out.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Why do you feel guilty? Because in 3 months, your son will be a legal adult. And you would lose the child support at that time as well. Child support is for him and his care. Yes, that means you can use it on the mortgage or rent - because it keeps a roof over his head. I don't know what or how much money he is looking for. Why doesn't he have a part time job after school to provide him with some income??

The problem, without knowing more, seems to be your new husband. How does your husband treat your son? From his point of view - for his life - you focused on him and made him your priority....now when he's close to being 18 - you decide to take care of you and put you first - that's a huge shock....how does your husband treat you - from your son's point of view?? that's hard to see - but maybe you need to step back and see from his point of view....

To be perfectly honest - it seems that your new husband is the catalyst for these problems...that's me...

Why shouldn't your son go live with his Dad?
If either of them thinks it's going to be all rainbows and unicorns then they've both got a rude awakening coming their way.
Doesn't child support end when he turns 18 and he's no longer a child?
For 3 months you can pay child support.

If I were you - I'd only give ONE chance to come back to live with you.
You don't have a revolving door on your house - and the next time he tries to live with you (if there IS a next time), you have a written agreement about what the terms of his living with you are.
If he breaks the agreement then he has to move out - where is not your problem.

You did the right thing by not tolerating disrespect. You don't say what the dynamics are between your son and your husband. A lot of times kids (at various ages) like to test their parents, as a way of getting the parent to calm the fears of rejection and worthlessness. If your child was acting out, you had to clamp down. If he was afraid that you are rejecting him and "choosing" your new husband, he might have been "daring" you to reject him - and therefore, sending him to live with his father might have confirmed his feeling. You say his father has not be consistent - but you don't say whether he's been around at all. Assuming your son knows his father, maybe it wasn't a bad thing to send him to live there. If your son barely knew him, then it might have been seen as choosing your husband over your son.

Since your ex has apparently been sending you child support, I'm going to assume that he's not a complete stranger. However, you also say you haven't "shared visitation or custody" so I don't know what that means. Did your son not visit with his father? So did you send him off to live with someone he barely knew just when things got difficult and he called you names? I'm not defending his behavior, but still, we don't just ship our kids out when things get nasty. It really depends how much thought and preparation when into the move from your home to his father's, and how much communication there was between you and his father.

Kids just don't understand how much it costs to support them, and they think it's spare money they should have for movies and electronics! I have a divorced friend whose ex keeps telling his 10 year old how much he pays in child support and how he can't afford it. It's just wrong to involve kids in the money issues. Your son is 17, which is quite a bit older, but still, if he's getting an earful from his father about the support, that's just way more info than even teens can handle. It might be worth, at some point, showing your teen what things really cost - to be sure he a) doesn't think you are pocketing the money to pay for your own grad school or anything like that, and b) is better prepared for the real world.

I think your ex won't have much luck collecting a lot of support from you in the very short run. By the time he files with the court, your child will be 18. But if your support agreement covers your child until he graduates from high school and/or finishes college, then he's entitled to support from the non-custodial parent. While the dollar amount of your ex's support, and your potential support, is based on your respective incomes, I guess I'd have to ask, why wouldn't you think it's fair to pay to support your child?

You feel guilty, you aren't thinking straight - so get some objective support through counseling and perhaps a lawyer. But start with a counselor, perhaps one particularly skilled in dealing with adolescents.

Wow, how heartbreaking. It sounds like you getting married again has been a real upset to your son. But it does not give him the right to talk to you this way. If it were me I would do family therapy with my son and try to get back to a place of understanding and love between you two. He feels rejected by you right now.

I would let him go live with Dad if he wants. He's going to be 18 in a few months. Do you think this is because of your getting married? How does he feel about your husband? Is he treated the same way? Hang in there Mama....

By the time it goes to court he'll be an adult and once he's out of high school in May he won't get child support at all. It's sad he's acting like this. I do wonder though.

Is the guy you married a new guy? Is it someone he's been around for years? Did they have an incident you don't know about? Or do know about and didn't realize it was such a big deal? Something must have happened for your son to turn against him like this. Kids don't just wake up and hate someone. Usually something triggers that.

Dad has to learn to deal with him now. Dad will likely let him be an adult and will treat him like he can be on his own.

Sorry but it truly sounds like your son needed to have a job so he could have money for himself, spending money.

Child support is not the child's money. It is money to contribute to their care.

They live in your house, they have bills. Whether or not they are present they have to continuously pay part of the house payment/rent, a portion of the electricity, part of the groceries because even if that gallon of milk isn't specifically theirs it's for them to partake of when they want some of it and we don't run out and get them their own food when they're home.

They have bills for gasoline, sports, school supplies, clothing, electronics, part of the car payment, and more.

Child support covers a tiny, tiny, tiny bit of what they actually cost.

Without knowing more hard to say why your son is suddenly reacting this way. To me it sounds as if your recent marriage set him off. You don't mention anything about how he feels about your new husband. Sometimes kids take stuff out on us parents (safety net) when they are upset. More info maybe ..

you have a teenager. one that hates their parents. one that wants their parents to be miserable. let him stay with dad, if dad is still paying support $$ give it back to him since hes doing the caregiving. talk things over with the bio dad(with lawers present). see if you and him can come to an agreement on things.

I agree with Suz t. Your son seems like he's hurt and acting out. Just because he's almost an adult does not mean that he is able to handle a remarriage. Some kids are able to, but some are not. Just depends on the kid, I think. My parents divorced when I was technically an adult, but I was still hurt, very sad, and the whole situation was very difficult to handle (we also had financial issues after the divorce). Same thing when my dad got remarried just a few years later. I would try to talk to him. If he won't talk to you I would try counseling to get his feelings sorted out.

The first thing you need to do is go to a family lawyer and figure this stuff out. You need a tough one too, K..

Honestly, I think the attorney will tell you that the money your husband makes doesn't count towards child support. So you'd only be paying against your own wages. Does your current child support agreement include your ex paying towards college? If it does, then maybe you should consider quitting your job. The court is less likely to tell you to pay for college if you aren't working.

It's best to get this straight from the lawyer, though.

Sorry your son has turned out like this.