I understand that some children will favor one parent over the other, however mine always wants both me and her dad for everything. (We are not married, but live together, and rarely ever argue in front of her.) My daughter, who just recently turned 3, always needs both of us to play with her. If she's playing with stuffed animals, she needs 3 (a mommy, daddy, and baby). If she's watching TV with us, we both need to sit together on the couch and she'll sit in one of our laps and holds the other one's hand. If I ask who she wants to pick her up from daycare she always wants me and her dad to pick her up together.
At first I didn't really give it much thought, but this has been going on for a few months now. Am I concerned about nothing?
Thanks for the help....but I'm not concerned about me knowing the difference between a need or want. In her mind she "needs" 3 toys and will always pull 3 ponies from her toy box. (Or 3 dolls, 3 cups, 3 plates). Never would I imagine turning a car around if she didn't have these!
Also, I should have phrased the daycare part different. I would never ask her to pick one parent over the other. She asks who is picking me up, I respond mommy, she requests daddy and mommy. No...we do not try and time both leaving work at set times to pick her up together and only one of us picks her up.
I found things online for how to handle the toddler picking one parent over the other but nothing about wanting both all the time. I was hoping for tips of what to do, not lectures on my child not always getting her own way. Trust me, she doesn't always get what she wants and we do deal with temper tantrums around here
I am 100% with Mamzita here. Kids ask for things it is the job of parents to say no and set boundaries. I couldn't even tell you if any of my kids made this request because it would have been met with a no. Group hugs were the only request ever honored. Well until they did the death squeeze thing and then we put that to bed as well.
Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't have asked mine who they wanted to pick them up at daycare. It would have been whoever was able. I never asked them who they would prefer. I don't think mine would like being asked to choose. That could just be our family though.
For us, it's more let's do stuff as a family - rather than mom and dad drop stuff to do what our kid wants. So we'll pile on to the couch - but it's not because my kids need to have us both there. So can't say that's the norm for us - that we'd both have to sit there.
Is this just a want (entirely normal I would think especially for 3) or a need? Is she ok if you don't both go to daycare to get her? I'm guessing yes. So I would think I'd only be concerned if she was upset or something, or if you gave in every time.
Not sure I answered your question. I don't think it's a concern unless this is stressing her out or stressing you out :)
ETA: I like what mamazita and Julie said. I personally did not play with my kids - even when they are home alone and the others are out. The odd time I'd have a cup of pretend tea and let someone drape boa around my neck - but that's not the norm. I have no problem saying no to kids. And I'd rather they learned to play on their own and not need me. I guess I don't know if you're saying this is a need vs. want. I'd nip it in the bud if it's something she expects - because are you going to want to do this going forward? Just ease back off if it's not something you want to continue.
Yes of course it's normal for young children to want/play mommy-daddy-baby.
But I'm concerned at how much you are catering to her wants, not needs. Young children need parents who are clearly in charge, and clearly set boundaries, it gives them security. Having parents who do what you dictate (mommy sit here daddy sit there) and ask you for pick up from daycare permission? Wow, that's really not good for her, or you. YOU are the adult and she needs that in her life. Sure it's okay to offer choices about what top to wear or what fruit to have with lunch but please don't burden her with adult choices like work/carpool schedules.
Why be concerned? Kids go back and forth about who they want around, and right now it is both of you. That does not mean you both always have to drop everything to do daycare pick up or what not, she has to understand that often times only one of you will be available. But it is certainly nothing to be concerned over.
It's normal.
But you must stop asking her to choose things (like which parent will pick her up) - you and her father must be the parents and make the decisions. YOU decide who does what. Today is Daddy's day to pick up, tomorrow is Mommy's. Done. Tonight Mommy puts you to bed with story time and lullabies, and then Daddy comes in for a kiss; tomorrow is the reverse. Done. Set a schedule and try to stick to it. If it doesn't work on a certain day, just tell her matter-of-factly that this is how it's happening today because someone is working or tired or busy or out for the evening.
Kids cannot have everything they want. If they want pancakes and French toast and cookies and stale pretzels for breakfast, it's not going to happen. If they want to pick out $100 in cereal and watermelon at the supermarket, you get to say "no". It is okay, and in fact essential, that kids learn early on that they don't get everything they want, that choices are limited, and that Mommy and Daddy are the bosses. They can cry and fuss and plead and beg, but it doesn't make you change your mind. You say she "needs" both of you to play with her or she "needs" 3 stuffed animals. But she doesn't. She WANTS those things. If she wants to go get 3 stuffed animals from her room, fine. But you don't turn the car around because she only remembered to take 2, and you don't drop everything you are doing so both can play with her. If you don't teach her to understand "no" (without 10 minutes of justification), she will have a miserable time in preschool, kindergarten, and life - there are rules everywhere she goes, and other people besides her have needs and wants.
The longer you let this going on, the harder her habit will be to break. I suggest you put in some structure and limits sooner rather than later. Give her a choice (maybe, if it works) of "Mommy story, Daddy tuck-in/kiss" or "Daddy story, Mommy tuck-in/kiss" but NOT "Mommy and Daddy do everything." And if it becomes a problem, then you and Daddy make the decision and inform her of what it is.
This is the same logic as "Do you want strawberries or blueberries with your yogurt?" vs. "What do you want for breakfast?" Kids that age cannot handle wide open choices, so you limit them while you let them learn from selected options. And you don't give in to needless crying or tantrums, which are also normal at this age. A lot of people refer to the "Terrible Twos" but you are now the parents of what is also known as a "Three-nager" with the same mood swings and nonsense as you will see when she is a teenager! Practice now on how to face attitudes and bad moods!
Thanks everyone for the advice. As a working mom, I don't get a lot of time with her, so I do cherish the few hours after work to play with her. Weekends are a little different as she does play by herself while I get housework done (or she asks to do it with me.)
One thing I do want to clarify though is I don't ask her to make many decisions. (at most she gets to pick what cup she wants to drink out of and pick what shirt to wear for daycare.) Its more she will ask who is picking me up from school, which the answer is usually mommy. When she responds no, I'll ask her why she doesn't want mommy and that is when she says she wants mommy AND daddy. (sorry -- didn't mean for it to sound like I was forcing her to pick one parent over the other.)
I only ask the question since it is adding stress to me that she won't play unless there are 3 items (she won't play with a pony unless there are 3 ponies to use) and I wanted to see if anyone had dealt with this before.
Updated
Thanks everyone for the advice. As a working mom, I don't get a lot of time with her, so I do cherish the few hours after work to play with her. Weekends are a little different as she does play by herself while I get housework done (or she asks to do it with me.)
One thing I do want to clarify though is I don't ask her to make many decisions. (at most she gets to pick what cup she wants to drink out of and pick what shirt to wear for daycare.) Its more she will ask who is picking me up from school, which the answer is usually mommy. When she responds no, I'll ask her why she doesn't want mommy and that is when she says she wants mommy AND daddy. (sorry -- didn't mean for it to sound like I was forcing her to pick one parent over the other.)
I only ask the question since it is adding stress to me that she won't play unless there are 3 items (she won't play with a pony unless there are 3 ponies to use) and I wanted to see if anyone had dealt with this before.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Give it a few months and something totally different will come along.
And with our son - he sort of skipped terrible twos but made up for it with terrible threes!
I'd suggest that she understands that "family" means 3. So when she plays, she wants there to be a family. 3 horses. I can't say I ever experience my kids asking for both of us to do whatever... They might have asked "is Daddy coming?" or something, but not requesting it.
The one time that ever happened (in reverse?) was when my daughter was born. She and I were still at the hospital not yet discharged, and my almost 3 year old son was at home. His Gram had come and stayed at home with him, while my husband came to the hospital. When husband came home that morning (from staying overnight at the hospital with me/us), my MIL needed to go to the store. My husband asked our son if it should be "an *all* go"... (he used to use that phrase to mean we'd ALL go to the grocery store or whatever, versus just me going by myself, alone, sans toddler, lol). Our son looked at him and said, "No. It's a ONE GO." My husband lost it. LOL
Son was ready for Gram to hit the road.
Perhaps introducing your daughter to other families with different numbers might help somewhat, so she can see that family doesn't just mean THREE. But also, maybe look at other aspects of her life/schedule and see if she is experiencing any security issue anywhere. Sitting on the sofa in your lap and holding Dad's hand, simultaneously, by request, seems a bit over the top to me. The other ladies don't seem to feel that way, but it never happened in my house. Not even with my daughter. Son was pretty independent. But daughter was like a cat, and could just wind and meld her body into your contours to snuggle in. And loved to do just that. But not with the two of us at once.
Hi,
In response to your request for tips about what to do when your daughter asks that both of you do something, this is my suggestion: state the fact, no explanation, move on to something interesting. "Daddy will be picking you up today." (But I want Mommy and Daddy.) No answer necessary, just a nod to show her you heard her. The distract her into another positive conversation. It's not easy at first, but it becomes easier with time. I think state and distract are two of the key behaviors a parent can use in almost any situation to make things routine and positive. Explanations can be saved for new situations that actually require explanation, such as when introducing a new routine. And even explanations should only be given once or twice. Repeating explanations actually waters down their effect.
All my best.
Updated
Hi,
In response to your request for tips about what to do when your daughter asks that both of you do something, this is my suggestion: state the fact, no explanation, move on to something interesting. "Daddy will be picking you up today." (But I want Mommy and Daddy.) No answer necessary, just a nod to show her you heard her. The distract her into another positive conversation. It's not easy at first, but it becomes easier with time. I think state and distract are two of the key behaviors a parent can use in almost any situation to make things routine and positive. Explanations can be saved for new situations that actually require explanation, such as when introducing a new routine. And even explanations should only be given once or twice. Repeating explanations actually waters down their effect.
All my best.
its normal. but nither of my kids did it. they either wanted me or daddy never both at the same time. and i limited the amount of time i played with my kids and had them play on their own and together so that now as they are getting a lil bit older they can entertain themselvs or eachother while i clean or make dinner or work in the garden. being your childs playmate every time they ask will hinder their ability to entertain themselvs.
So, I haven't seen the 'three' thing, exactly, but I have cared for some children who had a strong preference for their own personal 'order', as it were.
One little girl would have certain rituals. For example, when she was in my toddler class, by 24 months she would gather up the dolls, pillows, and blankets. Each pillow had a doll "baby" placed upon it, each doll had a blanket. If there weren't enough blankets, this was a showstopper for her, so I made sure we had lots of scarves in the dress ups as well to use. At home, she would insist on dressing her stuffed animals for the day (each morning) and putting them in pjs every night. This was obviously not always feasible and resulted in tears. I became her nanny a while later after her younger sister was born and have seen her high sense for order manifest itself in her dedication and rigor both her ballet classes and her academics. She is extremely organized, personable, a dear young woman. She just graduated with honors from university and has a job in NY as a scientist and is understudying there as well in dance-- if you ask her, this is her 'down' year before pursuing her post-grad work. Our family spends time with theirs regularly and it's been lovely to see how her sense of order changed and matured with her over time.
All that to say, some kids do have what we would consider 'quirky' preferences. I personally find that these kids are very intelligent and their sense of reason is usually to be appealed to when they are frustrated with our adult impositions on their attempts to make their own order of things. In your situation, I would often respond with "oh, it would be nice if Daddy were here. Where is Daddy? Yes, he's in the kitchen, making dinner. I can play with you or lets go find three (cars, dolls etc) to play with. Let's draw a picture with these three markers. (etc)...." use that when it seems reasonable. You would also do well to buy a 'family' of dolls that have that same Mommy, Daddy, child configuration so she has something which immediately gratifies that need for her if you and dad aren't in a good spot to 'work through' this with her. Good luck.
It's normal, there's nothing wrong with doing it when it's reasonable, there's nothing wrong with saying no when it's not feasible.
Like so many other "wants," you do what you can when you can, and explain that you can't always do exactly what they want.
There's no need to say no just so that she knows who's in charge, BUT you simply can't always say yes, and she needs to learn to be ok with that, too.
