Hard Decision to Make

A., you may want to google some support groups for people who moved here from overseas, especially from Germany. There may be a connection to one through your church or synegogue as well.
When you sit quietly and breath deeply and calmly with your eyes closed, what do YOU see for yourself? America is a wonderful place to be once you have gotten past your divorce, etc. You seem to already know what you want to do but may be a bit afraid to do it since the decision to come with your husband to the states seems wrong right now. You may have been brought to Texas for a perfectly good reason that you just don't know about yet (or maybe you do!) You will know the right thing to do for you and your daughter.
I have moved around a lot in my life and I know that God put me in those different places for many reasons which I did not understand at the time. It all comes together when we trust Him.

Hey,
I think you responded to me. THank you. Well I would suggest that you stay in the US for at least a little while and see how it is to be on your own. Maybe you will find yourself making friends and community here now that you don't have your husband. Just start slow and take steps to live here independantly. Look for a job, a nice place to live (which you may have already). My friends usually come from where I work at. Things will build for you here. It doesn't sound that great if you go back to Germany.
Good Luck!

I say give it a shot on your own here for a while. If you go back home, you will have wasted so much time and money trying to get there and if you regret it, you won't have a way back here. Don't uproot yourself or your daughter more than you have to. If your friends leave, no big deal, you can always make new ones. Enjoy your time with you and your daughter. Good Luck. I think if you try it here on your own for awhile, you will have more information to make the decision later if you decide to go back to Germany.

If I were you (and I am not because I don't know the WHOLE situation) but I would stay in the states. Yes, you have a lot of military friends that may end up leaving (in a long time due to the force reductions) but you can join clubs and such to better famaliarize yourself with a more stable friend basis. As for Germany, running away from your problems isn't best but confronting them at this moment with all of your current drama might not be good either. I would stay here for awhile...settle yourself and focus on your children...then if you ever do decide to leave...go back to Germany. You will always have that option. You are going to be a free woman...the choice is yours!

You need to get with my friend, Rosa Perrien. She came here from Germany also and moved here with who is her husband now. He is from the USA. She has (2) children from previous relationships that are from Germany and are down here in America, in which one of them are in Iraq, serving in the military.

She also has a child with her current husband that was born here. She can somewhat relate to what you are going through, in terms of deciding between here and Germany. But, it is actually up to you, your feelings and what would be best for your child, who can somewhat understand at her age.

My advise to you is wherever your heart leads you, is what you should do. I know it can be hard, especially when you are going through a divorce.

If you would like to talk with my friend, reply back and you can call me. Just pray about it and everything will be okay. You need to be positive for your child, because they can sense those things.

Dear A.,
As long as you are married to this man take the opportunity to head to the community center and consult a counselor. They will put you in touch with a legal advisor and a lawyer, consequently they will also be able to provide you with a German lawyer that can advise you on your legal rights. The army can help you in many way's as far as your moving back is concerned. They will let you know your options. ( I say so because I have been in a similar situation ).
A. true friends are the one that you can rely on when times get tough. If you are saying that the friends that you have right now are only here for a limited time , then don't count on them in the longrun. I don't mean to sound harsh. But sometimes we make friends out of the circumstances we are sourrounded by .
Also seek counseling from the army for yourself . This way they will help you in sorting out what steps you need to take and give you emotional support . As far as your daughter goes, A. it's alway's better to make hard decisions as long as they are young, they adjust better during those times. Not to say that it does not affect them . A divorce always has consequences. Don't let your fear conquer you , you need to conquer your fear. I know what you mean about talking to your husband. Sometimes it appears one is better of talking to a wall , because it has the same effect. I wish the best to you . Stay strong and take care of yourself . Remember the man upstairs gave us one life to live , and we are in charge of how we want to live it . Kid's will grow up and go their own way in life , if we let husbands that don't value us take the best years of our lives , where do we stand in the end? I know all that is easier said than done.But only YOU know what's best for you . Good luck

Look into your heart, is it stuff that you want or family? You can make friends anywhere you go in life if you want to. Include your daughter - see what she would like to do. I have never been to Germany so I have no idea what you left. America definatly alot more opportunities. Texas isn't all of america either - sometimes we take to much time thinking things over and we miss alot of opportunities along the way. Blessings to you and what you decide.. C.

A., It sounds like you all ready know what is best for you. You speak of staying here as being the smart choice. Don't second guess your heart telling you what to do. If your child in comfortable here, and you agree that your lifesyle will benefit her here more, than that is enough. What ever is best for her! Home is your safety blanket. It will always be. People only go home to escape from thier fears and loneliness. Be brave, bold and finish what you started here in Texas. One thing is for sure about Texas, there will always be friends waiting for you...you just have to look. Your strength to move on and courage to not "run home" will only teach your daughter how to stand up for herslef and believe in not only you...but the fact that women can surrive through anything. If there is one thing i have learned, the women on this website will stand behind you and support you every move. Good luck A., and God will hold you up, but only if you ask.

Hi A.,

my family and i came here from overseas, my father passed away when i was very young and we moved, my mother left her country to give us better life, my brother and i. at first it was very hard, well let say about 15 years, but now we have no regrets, my brother and i achieved so much for ourselves and have good jobs, good life and good spouses and wonderful children. i know living in this country seems scary at first, but life is not as expensive as it is europe.
if divorce is the direction you need to take for yourself, then you should do if you cannot stay in the marriage any longer in the end children suffer for it. you may find love again and remarry but please be careful when you do take that step, because people can be very mistrusting here and i am the same age as you 37 yrs and i've been in america for over 25 years and i tell you it hasn't been easy, but i have a good life here, good job, wonderful husband and beautiful baby girl, these things can happen for you as well, but it depends on how much you want to scarifice for your child and yourself.

i hope this helps you make the right decision for yourself, and don't hesitate to reply back to me.

good luck

J

A., all I can say is that you know what will be best for you and your children. Try to reach a decision on your own, then pray about it and see if it still feels right.

Wishing all the best for you in this difficult time,
S.

Hi A.,
Im T.. My daughter and I moved to Texas less than a year ago from Chicago,IL. Although I'm from this country I've never lived anywhere but Chicago.
My reason for choosing Texas is because of my impending divorce of 8 years. I've been married since I was 20 and my daughter is 6.
All of my family lives in Chicago. I came here with nothing but my truck,clothes, and important documents. I had to leave my Mom whom im very close to, my house ,and income properties behind , as well as my job that I've yet to have any company offer me even remotely close to the salary because of the cost of living difference.
A friend of mine of 18 years was gracious enough to allow us to stay with her for 8 months in her new home for $600 per month which was a blessing.
However, my friend and some of her friends and I have since had so many issues that I had to seclude myself a lil. Me being the only one of the group with a child was something else. Being a single Mom for the first time and having to listen to womens' unwanted advice who have never been married,divorced, or have had kids was the biggest fall out. So I have felt alone at times. This is the 2nd time my friend and I were roomates and the 2nd time it was a bit of a disaster.lol
Anyway, after being fired unjustly from one job,laid off from another ( thank God for unemployment) I've been able to pull through and still meet even more great people and do very well. ACtually this is the first time I've ever lived alone and it feels good! Well, I have my daughter but you know what I mean. Living on one income woth no roomates ,parents, or spouse.Texas is sooooo much cheaper than Chicago. The cost of living difference is sometimes staggering.
I'm starting my own business in selling specialty wigs (Im a cosmetologist)while still looking for work but I'm glad to have so much time with my daughter.
Sorry for that long story but I just wanted to share our similarities. When it comes to Germany do whats best for you and your daughter. Is it cheaper to live here, what about the school systems,safety, and your general well being.
A., you can be happy here and so can your child.
I dont know much about Germany although ,my Grandfather,Uncles, MOm and Dad lived there for many years while serving the military. My family has lived everywhere from Gauam to London and my Grandfather was the only black man I knew that knew more than 2 languages.
As far as your ex husband is concerned...do what keeps you sane!
Hope this helps a little.

T.

Dear A.,
WOW ! You have a lot on your plate right now. It seems like you are dealing with many difficult issues all at once. I think you should wait a little while ( 6 months or maybe one year ) before you make any major decisions. Does the military offer any type of personal counseling ? just so that you can sort of these tough decisions. Good luck-- you will be in my thoughts

I moved here from Mexico. Having lived in another country you appreciate this the land of opportunity in a way that people who have lived here all their lives cannot. I think you are here!!! Give yourself and your daughter the great life that you can have here in the U.S. Things will get better for you. Find a job that you like and start to live your life on your own. It doesn't mean it will be difficult forever or that you will be alone forever. It is a difficult time and transition for you but IT WILL GET BETTER.!! Hang in there.

Hi A., Please check to see if the military offers any sort of individual counseling for you and/or your daughter. Also, see if there are any support groups for people in your situation offered by the military. It seems to me that these things would exist, so please check it out. Try to stay in the U.S. for your daughter's sake at least for another year. See how it goes alone, and then make a decision at that point. Stay strong. Good luck!

I grew up overseas, and had many friends from different nations. I am sorry that you are experiencing this now without your family. Making this decision will not be easy. Is your child a naturalized american citizen or one by birth? What do you want for your child? After 9/11, friends of ours left to visit family in Columbia, they could not get back for 1.5 years because of security issues...and they had greencards, jobs etc. another was indian and went to india for a family wedding. 6 months to get back. These are the horror stories. But, while there may be benefits to being in Germany, what do you want for yourself and your child? Where will you have more opportunity and ability to be what you want, and for your child to be what she wants? ?You can always join German clubs, associations, live in New Braunfels or something like that. As a child growing up overseas.south american, japan, southeast asia, it was very difficult for me when we came back to the u.s. because we had so little in common with the american raised children. There is a book called "Third Culture Kids", and it explores what life is like for children in the us raised overseas. Read this, while it addresses american children, it is relevent for your decision to be in the usa or germany. either way, if your child choses to go to the country she was not raised in, there are always issues. to this day, it is very hard for me to find commonalities with those who were not raised overseas...the frame of reference, the understanding of what is important, priorities etc is all different. When I was young, in Asia, Richard Nixon was King and when he resigned those in the Asian Country I was in were literally in dispair and fear of China, Communism and what would happen (well, pol pot, vietnam deaths etc all happened..so, there was reason to dispair!). When we got back to the USA, Richard Nixon was viewed as a villan, evil politician who did nothing good. Go figure the two different views, but somewhere I had to find a balance and understanding of both cultures. I believe I am better for it, but being tolerant of narrow viewpoints from both sides is hard for me to do! Good luck, read the book, and write down the benefits you would have if you stayed and also if you went home. then write the negatives. I believe those things will help you see what is best for your family.

I can understand a little of what you are going through. My brother was in the army and stationed in Germany for several years. Consequently, he married a German woman and they moved to the states. She hated it here and resented him for being gone all the time so one day while he was at work she packed up and headed home. He hasn't seen his daughter since she was 2 and she would be 12 now. He's devastated. She remarried and changed her name and wont let him have contact with her...who knows why because he's a great guy. Anyway...the point I am trying to make is that your child is going to want to be near her father...unless he is a horrible person. My suggestion to you would be to try to stick it out in the states with your daughter for the time being. Try to join some sort of an organization like your daughters PTA or girl scouts or even a church so you have the opportunity to meet people outside of the military and your husband's friends. Make play dates for your daughter and meet their parents so that you have someone to identify with and at least socialize with. Move to a different town if you want even. I hope this helps you.

Hi A.,
Some of the best decisions are the hardest decisions. Being a woman is thinking about the best interest of you and your child, being at this point, all that matters. Try thinking about what you have gained coming here or what you may have lost. Sometimes we set our hearts on locations rather than what makes us happy with where we are at at the present time. What does Germany have to offer your 7 year old daughter?
Are you running away from your situation? Is Germany where your soul wants to be or do just want a better life? Just a few questions you may have to ask yourself. I am a mother of 4 of my own and believe you me, I have made the ULTIMATE decisions for the sake of them and I am so happy I did! But, from a woman who has been through it....A., show your daughter how you can come back from the heartache. Let her see your strength so she will know how to make strong decisions. Make a decision for you and her and don't question if it is right or wrong if you heart is a peace with it. And No Matter What...show your beautiful image your daughter that you and her are all that matters and you will be there with her no matter how good or bad it will be. Keep your bond with her stronger than anyone outside of you. Keep in mind that you do not need to go back to Germany if your heart is not set...Stay in the U.S., do what you have to do to give your daughter the best (without involving a man) you can by working hard...and make the best of this situation. Show your little one how mommy can do it so she will have steps to follow in when you are gone.

Keep in touch if you like. Let me know how things go okay.
____@____.com

A.,

I am a Military wife, and I have seen so many break-ups that it is not even funny, I do not know your situation, but if you are living together, I would suggest to keep doing so until you can make a decision.
As far as everything else, you would have to decide, if it is more important for you to be around your family, or on your own.

R u sure your marriage can't be saved? 9 years is a long time to invest. But i understand if you have weighted all your odds. Have you made any friends in Killeen? Are you living on the military base? I am sure there are some other women in your situation there. Have u tried to find a support group.

Gutenmorgen, A.! Mein name ist L.. Willkommen in die Vereinigten Staaten. Wie geht es lhnen? Verzeihen sie mir bitte. Mein Deutsch ist schrecklich!! Jesus ist lhr Deckbett! Gott liebt sie! Finden sie eine gute kirche. Ich bete fur sie. Ok, I know my German is terrible! Sorry about that. I hope I said everything correctly. It must be scary and lonely to be in another country especially going through a divorce. Wow! You do have a difficult decision to make. Could you afford to stay here on your own? If it were me and I was in Germany, then I would want to come back home to the States. I don't think I could live in another country while all of my family were somewhere else. Have you spoken with your parents? What do they suggest? I will certainly be praying for your decision. Feel free to email me if you are lonely and want to talk. Haben sie einen guten tag!!!

Mit Liebe,
L.

Hi A., I came here with my husband & 7 year old son from the UK just one year ago too. The first 12 months is very hard with all the paperwork etc, and can be quite lonely when you dont know too many people. We are now getting settled, my son is happy here. We went back to England for a visit recently and have decided that we dont want to return, at least for as far as we can foresee. Some friends of ours in the UK spent 5 years in S.Africa. They returned to the UK. Their advice to us last year was "dont make the same mistake we did - dont come back!" We feel that if we were to go back, we would not have the opportunity again to make a new life in the USA. I know these are different circumstances from yours, and i cant begin to understand how hard it must be for you to make your decision alone, but my advice (for what it's worth) is to stick it out here and try to make a new life for yourself and your child. It must be easier here than in Germany. If you give it some time and you dont succeed, then at least you will have tried your hardest and not given up straight away. I wish you luck. J..

I don't know what would be so horrible to go back to Germany. Your family is there, you'd make friends wherever you went. That is, assuming you're not a social introvert and find it hard to make friends. Your daughter would get to experience life in another country. If you're going to move, you should do it while she's young and can adjust. Kids are resilient...they bounce back easier. However, if she's not one for change and you think it would harm her psychologically to move, then that needs to weigh in your decision. You need to listen to your heart on this one. What will your soon-to-be-ex husband say about you taking his daughter to Germany? What will be in the final divorce decree about residency for the child? What about visitation with Daddy? You should maybe sit down and write the pros and cons to going back to Germany to help you with your decision. If you got a job in Germany, you'd be able to acquire the material things you have here. Good luck in your soul searching.

Hello A.,
I am so sorry to hear your the distress you are in. I know your best intrest is for your daughter. It is my opinion, that no one knows what is truly best for you and her whether they have been through a similar situation or not. I do not know if you have a relationship with God or not. But I do know that He can direct us once we allow ourselves to sit still and remove ourselvs emotionally just a bit and listen for His voice. Our parents we will have for a while longer but our children we are ultimately responsible for and God can and will send people to us no matter where we are. He is not bound by geography.But of course you must ask yourself what kind of opportunities will the government of Germany allow for her as well.It sounds as if the US is already her home.
I pray you get your answer. I pray the peace of God for you and your daughter.
K.