Guilty Mom - Cranston,RI

I have a 3 yr old and a 9 month old. I was off for 4 weeks withthe 3 yr old and 6 with the baby. I have to work as well. I feel exactly like you and it has been 9 months. Every word you have said is things I have said. I think I will never be OK with it. I think over time you become a little more numb to it and that is about it. Let me know if anything works for you.

Please don't forget your hormones are still way out of whack from being pregnant. It sounds like you are in a great situation and making the best decisions you can for you boys. As far as the breast feeding, I believe whole- heartedly in BF but I often refer to those sites as Breast Nazis. I think they believe there is NO reason to stop BF, but that is just not true. According to every NICU nurse and Doctor I talked to while my daughter was there for 7 weeks, the first 8 weeks are the most important for transferring immunities. You have done the best you can and you can allow yourself to feel wonderful about what you were able to do. No one else is in your shoes, so don't allow them to control your life and thoughts. You sound like a wonderful caring Mom, I pray you can feel secure in that soon!!! Please give yourself much grace while your hormones settle out!!

I think all moms feel guilt about returning to work. I know I did, and like you, had an ideal childcare situation:either my hubby or parents. Still, you miss them.
About the breastfeeding (I'll get flack for this) but honestly, you've done your best. If it needs to come to an end then so be it. It doesn't make you a bad mom. I agree about the über-rigid bfing advocates. Lots of babies are formula fed and your baby will be fine if he is, too. It's NOT worth stressing yourself out about. We're all doing the best we can.
If the bfing issue went away, would you be more able to cope with your work schedule? If so, then you'll just need a readjustment period.
Or--is not working an option? Or working PT or job sharing? There are lots of options out there (you've already found O. in your four 10 hour days!) I wish you all the best!

No guilt necessary here. You are providing your children what they need by doing what you have to do.

God puts that strong bond there so we will care for our children and want to be there for them. Unfortunately, working away from the home is something that many of us moms have to do.

The best way to cope is to concentrate on the positives and not the negatives. Try not to get trapped in the thought of how much you miss them and what you are missing in their day but instead replace that thought with how fortunate you are to have the perfect care situation for them. In time you will retrain your brain to see this differently and that will bring you the relief you are seeking.

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No guilt necessary here. You are providing your children what they need by doing what you have to do.

God puts that strong bond there so we will care for our children and want to be there for them. Unfortunately, working away from the home is something that many of us moms have to do.

The best way to cope is to concentrate on the positives and not the negatives. Try not to get trapped in the thought of how much you miss them and what you are missing in their day but instead replace that thought with how fortunate you are to have the perfect care situation for them. In time you will retrain your brain to see this differently and that will bring you the relief you are seeking.

Hi, I can totally relate. I have a 5 month old boy and 3 1/2 yr old girl. Baby still wakes 1-2 times/ night. I never made much milk, he never latched and I pumped for a month until the milk stopped completely. I work FT and my commute is 1 hr 15 min each way. I am gone 7am to 6:30pm 5 days/ week. Like you family watches the kids. My older one is in preschool 3 days/ week. I asked my mgr to work 4 days and she said no. Its a FT job, I like it and it pays well so I stay. Its very hard being a working mom but you do what you have to do to provide for your family. When my daughter asks why I am going to work or says "don't go" I tell her how me working is paying for our beautiful house, the delicious food we eat, the dinners out we have, the fun vacations we take, and her pretty dresses. Its not easy but you just have to make it work. I get upset too and just try to remember the kids are in the best possible hands and we get to eat lunch and talk to adults at work. I call during the day sometimes and talk to them or I take a pic of myself with my phone and send it to whoever has them and vice versa. Best of luck and know you are not alone!

Trust me, I know how you feel. I stayed home for 3 months with my son and then my sister was able to watch him for 6 more months before he went into daycare. I had the same feeling of guilt leaving him to go back to work. I tried pumping at work, but I was never able to pump enough so I wound up having to give him formula during the day and then nurse at night and the mornings.

I think it's something most of us go through and it does get easier. I think my way of coping was just remembering that I was doing "everything" for him. I would much rather have stayed home with him all the time, but like you, I HAD to work. I don't know how the mom's "back in the good old days" were able to do it (stay home, only one income and made ends meet).

I don't know it any of this helped or not, but just know you are definately NOT alone and it does get better. : )

Oh honey you are still adjusting yourself to sleepless nights and hormone imbalances. They are in good care.
This is still a big adjustment.
Give it time and have a set time, maybe lunch, to call everyday. As they get older then call them after school. Hold your head up, be strong. The boys know you love them.
It will get better.
Cyber hugs coming your way.

I'd say just hang in there and it will get better and you will adjust. I'm sure it's devastating to have your baby refuse your breast but I'd try to look at silver lining: I've heard of babies refusing to take a bottle. At least you know that your son is getting the nutrients he needs when he is away from you. And it is wonderful that you have family to take care of your boys! And I think it's great that you have wed. off with them.

I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home with my kids so I can't offer advice from experience. I do want to offer support and encouragement to you because you are in a tough spot. It's sounds like you have the best possible scenario considering you have to work. Your boys are going to thrive and be happy with their family they are surrounded by.

Best of luck

For the feeding issue: what about still pumping and just putting your milk into the bottles? Then you are getting the best of both worlds.

It WILL get better, I promise. I could have written your post! I have two boys, turning 1 and 3 the end of May and work FT, have an hour commute each way and sometimes the GUILT is over-whelming!
As far as the Bfing goes, my little one is 11 months and he has never had formula, I started by only pumping 2 times a day at work, takes 10 minutes each time and now I'm down to pumping once before I leave for the day. Believe it or not, I sometimes pump while I'm commuting (my husband thinks I'm crazy), but it is possible! He did have trouble with the bottle in the beginning, it took like a month for him to get good at bottle feeding, so that was tough.
Hang in there, M.!!!!

I'm also a working mom of two little ones. I work full-time, but I work from home two days a week, more as needed. It is an absolute sanity-saver that I have such flexibility. I'm still away from the kids for about 9 hours everyday, but I have quality time with them in the evenings. Since you have a long commute, is telecommuting an option for you? I hope so because it's a godsend.

This could be normal, but could also mean you have postpartum depression. I would ask your doctor to evaluate you for that or thyroid issues. Then you will know how to best cope with all of this.

When I returned to work and had a 18 mo old & a 3 mo old at home - I about lost it. Work was only 20 min from home, but the thought of being away from them for over 9 hours really killed me. Plus, knowing that breastfeeding would be ending soon - made it harder. My hormone levels didn't really change much after I delivered my kids but more when I stopped nursing. So, in addition to changing everyone live & schedule I was going through a huge hormone change.

I ended up getting so overwhelmed one day that I walk out of work & drove myself to my doctors... I'm not ususally one to cry where anyone can see me - and I think everyone saw me crying that day. Even the lady that "hated" me tried conforting me. My old supervision was called up to the office (I worked in a factory for 12 yrs - I started our in the factory & worked my way to the office doing accounting work) and talk to about me... they wanted to see if I had ever flipped like I had that day. He told them only once and we were expecting to much out of her and she broke.

When I returned to work - everyone seemed to be walking on egg shells. Things did calm down & it did take time to readjust to the "new" way of life again.

Honestly, you just love your kids... you are doing what you have to in order to take care of them. They are in the best hands when you are away & you are doing your best. Don't get down on yourself... your hormones are going "wild" and they will calm down as well. Try to relax & look forward to the evenings w/ your family!

Congraz on the babies!

Oh I totally understand how you feel, except that I only have one and she's nearly three and i STILL can't stand leaving her every day. I haven't decided if we'll try for a second yet, but if we do and are blessed, it will be nearly impossible for me to tear myself away and I am the primary breadwinner for my family so it's not an option to quit. All the people who told me "it will get better" just seem to have better coping skills than I, it's not better. I do what I have to do but I miss her so much even now. I would rather be home with her any day. I still dream of cutting my hours back to have more time at home.

At 12 weeks I was a MESS going back to work for sure. I do not think that means you have PPD, it is simply extremely difficult for some (but not all - some mothers can't wait to get back to work. I can't imagine) mothers to go back to work.

As for the breastfeeding, try not to fret over it. I know how hard that would be too - I LOVED breastfeeding and I remember days when I would get home from work dying to have a pleasant relaxed nursing session with her and she would refuse and I would cry. It was terrible but I realized it was partly due to my stress and I had to relax more when I got home. She did give up breastfeeding around 9 months on her own and it was still heartbreaking for me. However, if you want to be sure she is getting the breastmilk you can still pump (even at home if there isn't time at work) and give it in a bottle and supplement with formula as necessary.

Anyway, you should know that a) you are not alone, b) you are doing a great job and c) quality time with your babies will make up for quantity.

Congrats on the new baby and best of luck powering through!

You are experiencing something that many moms have been through! Sending my son off to daycare at only 3 months was one of (if not THE) most difficult things I ever had to do. It's hard, period. It will make you cherish the time you DO have together even more. The feelings are intense, perhaps in part because of hormones, but I also think it viscerally doesn't feel "right." As others have said, don't worry so much about the milk - if he doesn't want it, what can you do? Mine was the same way, mainly because I just couldn't produce enough. I realized I had many expectations that just weren't going to play out, but there's only so much control we have over such things. Better to try to accept what is, and enjoy our little pumpkins and make the most of the time we have with them. In the end, that's what makes us great moms.

Oh, sweetie (((hugs))). This is totally normal to feel guilty about the work and the breastfeeding. I'm a big believer in breastfeeding whenever you can, but honestly, a happy momma is more important. If the struggle is too much, then baby will be better off with formula. Actually SEEING your children is more importan than pumping at work and being late.

You could try to just nurse at night for as long your milk holds out if you want to. Be prepared that it might not last for long, so that you aren't going through this all over again. But every little bit helps and maybe it would help you make the transition. That could be a good compromise IF it doesn't cut into your whole family time too much.

Yes, you will always miss being with them during the day, but take pride in the fact that you are making a sacrifice for the well-being of the children and family, and they are being taken care of very well. You are being the best mom you can be!

If you still have the feelings of weepiness after you decide what to do about the nursing and then make that transition, you should probably check in with your OB to make sure it isn't post partum depression. It will be normal for you to grieve the end (or compromise) of breastfeeding, but then you should start feeling better once you let yourself move on.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon!

Hang in there! Hormones are tough to beat - people understand what you're going through.

Juggled the exact same scenario until my oldest was ready to start kindergarten and my third was born, at which point I could no longer afford daycare for all three on my engineer's salary and it only made sense for me to give up my career and stay at home with them. Your kids will need you even more then - don't fret that you are missing these early years!