Guilty About Pushing Infant Hand Away

To start with, you are not being a bad mom. But it's good that you realize that today was a big problem.

Next, breast feeding is NOT the greatest thing in the whole world like some people make it out to be. Millions of kids are healthy as can be after being on formula and they still have good bonds with their moms. I know a lot of people like it. Good for them. But what I see and hear is that it causes way too much stress for much of the world. I hated it myself and I REFUSED to feel guilty when I didn't like it. I tried it 3 times out of 4 and only made it a few weeks each time. What a big freaking sigh of relief to finally be able to say it's nasty and time consuming and I'm not the worlds worst mother in the world for feeling that way! I hate seeing it in public, I don't like even thinking about it and I HATE that so many moms feel terrible for not wanting to do it or for not being that good at it.

That said, you are dealing with a lot. It's hard enough to go back to work and fear that your daughter is becoming possibly more close to your family and other caregivers than even you. That is an IRRATIONAL fear. But that's what I am reading between the lines. You have anxiety about how she's feeling and you have anxiety about going back to work.

Let me ask you this....?? What's going to happen if you just let the nursing go? I promise you that the world won't fall apart. You need to enjoy your child when you are at home. You can't do that if you are full of anxiety.

You're not a bad mom. No mom is perfect all the time. I can remember one night being so tired and having no idea why she wouldnt stop crying and screaming at her to shut up. I felt horrible, what mother screams at her infant? But it never happened again, and obviously she doesnt remember.

Dont beat yourself up. Be happy that you realized it wasnt good and wont do it again. That's what I figured when I quit sobbing and telling myself I was a terrible mother.

I don't know about other moms, but I think it's safe to say you are not alone. I love my little one so much, but I have done some similiar things in the past as well. My guess is that your body is still adjusting too... So, you may still be hormonal and not quite be yourself yet.

Here's what I really want to say to you, though. You are human! You WILL make mistakes rasing your child, but children are resiliant and they need to learn to deal with imperfect people because no one is perfect. She's a baby. She won't remember this and you shouldn't either...

Hope this helps you feel better, at least a little.

I have to admit I have not read all the posts below, but I wanted to offer an ear (or I guess in this sense an eye to read). I am a single mom of an almost 10 month old, so I totally understand frustrations, and totally wigging out. Going back to work when my daughter was just six weeks was one of the hardest things in the world; not only was I even more sleep deprived than before (no more co-napping), but I felt totally guilty for leaving her. My daughter has the opposite problem...she staunchly refused the bottle (and now the sippy cup unless it's water), so I had to come to terms with her only nursing when we were together, and her having to eat solids when I wasn't there.

I commend you for trying to nurse still, so many mom's drop it so quickly now a days, but on the other hand DON'T beat yourself up about not being able to. If you can pump give her that in a bottle. You will still have the bond with her, and it will be less stressful than trying to get her to latch on. Feeding your daughter is one of the many pleasures of being a mom, and it won't last long!! Enjoy feeding her whether it's from the boob or the bottle. I know one of the best parts of my day is picking up my daughter from daycare and feeding her because I get to hold her in my arms and look into her eyes; it is a magical stress reliever from a busy day at work. You can have this too even if you are feeding her from a bottle!

Just remember your daughter loves you unconditionally right now. She needs you. Us moms need each other, and it's great that you have family around.

If you feel like venting more, or talking to a mom who truly gets the whole guilty about her daughter thing, please feel free to send me a private message.

Hi- Unlike some others I don't think this has anything to do with breastfeeding but just an over stressed Mom who recently went back to work and is feeling sad and overwhelmed. Who among us hasn't been in a similar circumstance. Good for you for continuing to breastfeed, I assure you it does matter. When you feel the difficulty outweighs the benefit you'll stop but you've done an awesome job getting her to 4 months. Don't waste one minute on guilt and self punishment. That's your baby's Momma your talking about! No time for negativity as you have a lot on your plate. Try to eek out a little something for yourself, even if it's just a few minutes of deep breathing each morning. Now for the time I acted like a maniac and felt guilty too. My 16 month old daughter was in a really bad phase and I was ragged . For whatever reason she was miserable night and day for what seemed like forever. She would follow me around fussing, complaining and crying all day then barely sleep all night. No medical issues that the Doctor could see just a miserable little girl. One night she'd been screaming off and on for hours, wouldn't sleep and was unconsolable. I screamed "Ellah, stop! Go to *!$#ing sleep!" right in her face so loud the neighbors could have heard. Of course this made her cry more, 3 0'clock in the morning and my husband is running in telling me to get out of the room and take a break! I felt like an abusive Mom, evil and mean. In fact I felt bad about that for a long time and thought I might have scarred my baby emotionally. Well she's a lovely, bright (very even tempered) and sweet 7 year-old now who doesn't remember that night at all. So I won't help you punish yourself, I'll just feel a tiny bit better about my own awful moment and see even more clearly that all Mom's need to give themselves a break now and then!

Honey....I think you do not need to be so hard on yourself.
Especially not to the point of feeling you need to be punished or telling other people it's okay to punish you.

Your daughter is 4 months old, your hormones are still trying to get situated, you work, your don't want to make any mistakes....it can all get so overwhelming.
The one thing you need to remember is that everyone still loves you, especially your little baby. And if you ever get to the point where you feel like you are going to come unglued, it's okay to lay the baby down or hand them to dad or grandma or grandpa.
Your daughter not wanting to nurse when YOU wanted her to is okay. You feeling frustrated about it is okay.
You're going to be her mom for the rest of her life and not all days will go perfectly. It's part of being a mom. And part of being a mom is also not beating yourself up about it either.
Babies can tell when we're tense, babies can tell when we're frustrated or upset. They can tell when we are sad.
I think you should try to quit crying and scoop your baby up, and hold her and play with her and kiss her and smile with her.
Don't let this ruin your whole day.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

You're fine. You're baby's fine. Today was not really a tragedy. If your baby starts biting when you nurse, you will voluntarily put her down until she figures out she can't do that, so one day in the nursing saga is not the end of the world.

I wish you the very best.

You're not a bad mom. After I had my daughter my boobs didn't make milk for a number of reasons, two of the biggest being my broken thyroid and the fact that she was born two months premature and I raged at the world that I couldn't breast feed.

I was able to express a small amount and every day I'd labor with the hospital rented breast pump to get a few CC's of milk to put in a bottle and feed my baby. My supply dried up pretty fast and towards the end, I remember I had a particularly bad experience with that accursed breast pump but I managed to get a bit of milk out of my sorry boobs and fed it to my little girl, to follow it up with a formula chaser so she didn't starve. Five minutes after she ate and burped she vomited everything up.

I just sat there and wailed. I screamed at her and made her startle and vented all my sadness at how hard it was for me to pump and to see her spit it up all over the floor felt like a slap in the face. She understood nothing of what I said but only felt my anger. I scared her to tears but I left her sitting in her own puke on the floor while I stumbled upstairs to just cry and cry and cry. When I was done with my pity party I came downstairs to find her playing in her puke and I felt like the worst mom in the world but she doesn't remember a thing and after she was cleaned up and the carpet shampoo'd it was like it never happened.

Though, that was the day I gave up pumping for good and she hasn't been any worse for being primarily raised on formula. She's a high energy gregarious outgoing little girl that draws attention to her like flies to honey.

i won't scold you because i had my psycho mom moment too. it wasn't over breastfeeding but it doesn't matter. i just wanted to say, breastfeeding is not worth this. i feel that bf moms put too much emphasis on it. there are many, MANY of us who don't. it may not work for you. don't beat yourself up (or your baby) over it. i still torture myself over my psycho moment...i'm sure any of us would. all we can do is live and learn from it. good luck! ((hugs))

**edited after i read the other responses**
i am SO glad i am not alone - i am one of those moms that lost it once and continues to torture myself over it! (3 1/2 years later). it means so much that i'm not the only one...and truly some of your stories could have been written by me (i was of the screaming at him to GO TO SLEEP, etc, variety). i know that this isn't my post, but i have to say this one has done me more good than about any question i have ever posted.

That's the problem with doing bottle and breast together -- this is what can happen. I did bottle and breast with one of mine, and he refused the breast at 6 months, so I had to stop nursing.

Your baby will be fine on the bottle, if this means you have to give up nursing her. Thousands of babies live on formula alone.

Irrational incidents like the one you describe happen occasionally, because we get overwhelmed, just make sure they are REALLY rare and your daughter will be fine.

Nursing is dfficult and sometimes babies just don't want it, and you both are adjusting to this new schedule. Slow weaning can be a difficult transition, even when you continue to nurse, but it can also be a joyful experience once it is figured out.

Next time she refuses, just give her a bottle and offer to nurse during other times, like in the morning/nighttime for comfort. Or, try this:

For one, the baby can sense when you are angry or stressed. When you push her hands away and get angry when she doesn't want to nurse and force it, it does the adverse effect. Instead, stop trying to nurse, create a soothing, quiet, dark room environment with her and try again later.

Be careful to retain your calmness. It can be easy to lose control, especially during this time because post partum depression could be an underlying factor or just the stress and hormones of new motherhood as well. I know when my children were this age, I got crazy hot flashes, and that on top of stress, and being tired... it can be easy to get flustered and overly angry.

Learning calming techniques in times like this is crucial, since a lot of shaken baby syndrome accidents or even deaths are caused by stressed parents who lose it suddenly, and that quick moment can never be taken back. We know a couple that got in an argument and one of the parents got angry and threw something. It struck the child i the head who had run in the room and the child has been brain damaged ever since. Things happen when you lose control, so just be careful to pick your battles and get some soothing techniques for yourself, because really, parenting is going to get tougher!

Take a few minutes to calm down, take some deep breathes, leave the room, distract yourself, hand the baby to someone else for a moment so you can cool down. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Parenting is a tough job and we help and support each other when we can.

Good luck, you can do it! If you dry up, you dry up... just try and pump when you can to keep it flowing, and press on and know you nursed for as long as you possibly could :)

(ps... I don't want you or anything to think I am saying you are abusive, I just try and provide cautionary tips to help)

There is no way you can take my title, "WORST MOM IN THE WORLD", away from me. We all have moments like this. I have 9 years worth of them. Sometimes you have to ask someone to watch your child for you and go give yourself a time out. I have nine years worth of timeouts under my belt and I'll let you know that I could never carry that much guilt around. Tell your sweet baby your sorry and how much you love her, snuggle up and enjoy the weekend. You also might want to try a natural stress reliever. I take one because I'd be koo koo for cocoa puffs if I didn't.
Get a cup of chamomile tea and relax with your dd.
S.

Yes. You are the worst mom in the word. :-P There...feel better? lol

Look, figure out what this IS about. Stress, rejection, power, control, what.

Going back to work has got to be über stressful. You may feel like the bond with your baby is diminishing. It's not.

You may feel that the end of breastfeeding is nigh and surely THAT will be the end of the world. It is not. Focus on nourishing your baby. I'll not repeat all of the "Breast is best" "hang in there's" of the BF community. After all, FOOD is best. And comfort. And being there, you know, in a "oresent" way. And low stress. Whatever that means for you, do it.

You may feel that your mom has a better bond with your baby. She does not.

So take a few deep breaths. You'll have to make a lot of room in your "worst mom on the planet" area as, in spite of what anyone tells you, we ALL freak out at O. time or another. In a super sleep-deprived newborn moment of madness, I said to my husband (with complete seriousness) "You already SLEPT an hour!!!!" Like a maniac. I'm over it and you'll get over it too!

Oh! Many many [hugs] to you.

It's stress sweetie. You have a newborn, you started a new job, a new routine, you're getting over childbirth and making milk. It's overwhelming. You probably told yourself that you would make up for your absence during the week, today. When you're tense your baby can feel it, it's upsetting, and your letdown of milk likely isn't as good. You need some down time.

Let your family help out, take a hot bath, have a beer [good for milk production] read, watch tv , a nap, and relax. When you feel better take her in a quiet room alone and nurse her all by yourself. That will help you reestablish some Mommy and me time.

Don't beat yourself up. This will pass, you'll find your feet and your little one will accustom to the new schedule as well.

Take care!

Honey, I'm the Mom of 5 and there isn't one of them I didn't get mad at when they were babies. Didn't they understand I had things to do, sleep to get, or shows to watch on TV? LOL. But I didn't do it often and it didn't get overly physical. I probably pushed their hands away at some point, set them down when they were upset, walked away while they screamed in their beds---but they weren't hurt by it and they don't remember it.

Just know that her not nursing is not a statement about how she feels about you, it's just her adjusting to changes. Bottle fed babies don't eat as often as breast fed babies so you may not be as hungry as before.

Don't be so hard on yourself and don't allow anyone to tell you you're a bad Mom because you lost your temper. Just always make sure it doesn't become frequent or increase in intensity to something physical. The fact you're opening up here shows that that is not likely to happen.

We Mom's struggle every day with guilt over one thing or another, feeling we've never done enough or we've done too much, or damaged them for life. We need to cut ourselves some slack and know that no one loves our kids more than we can (Dad's of course do) and we do the best we can. You're doing a great job.

I just want to add, as others have, that you are not alone. I once screamed at my infant son "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO TO SLEEP?!". My son is now 2.5 and there have been a couple of other occasions when I have "freaked out". Each time I was sure that I was the worst mom in the world. Being a mom is very hard and all of the adjustments and stress that go along with a new baby can drive you to the breaking point sometimes. As children grow there will be other things that stress you out. It will only make you a better mom in the end because you will try harder, and you'll develop a much higher tolerance for the stress and struggles in your life. Also, as with any relationship, getting through stressful times together will also make the bond between you that much stronger. So, yes, today sucked, but no one is perfect and you'll get through this, I know it.

Wow, your honesty is amazing. It is good that you recognized your behavior and reached out. You are not the worst mom in the world - we all have days like these. Remember that you are only 4 mo. post partum and you still have raging hormones that can cause such an intense response, and lack of sleep contributes too. If you continue to have raging outbursts over things regularly (related to your baby or not) please see you doctor for help. But, lets look at the situation a little differently. Breast feeding is the best food for a child but it is hyped up so much that those of us who cannot do it for one reason or another feel horrible guilt or shame. I was one of those people, I just couldn't produce nearly enough milk for my son. At 5 weeks we thought he had colic he was crying so much. My husband brought home some soy formula because someone at work said it was good for colic. I reluctantly gave him two ounces out of a bottle and he sucked it dry without any practicing at all. He was hungry! I had a mommy meltdown over his suffering hunger and worried about development issues due to lack of nutrition. I felt awful. I had to start suppementing and finally I just had to switch to formula. He was the happiest baby around after that! It took a long time to realize that it would have been bad not to address the situation and keep trying to only breastfeed him because it's what I "should do". It was healthier for him to have plenty of formula from a bottle than to not get enough breastmilk. He's a perfectly normal kid today. SOme kids adjust to mommy working and keep nursing, others are pickier. If your kid is picky then just address the issue and be sure to get that baby enough food whether it's pumped milk or formula via a bottle. Bottles flow easier than the breast which requires more sucking and some kids come to prefer it and don't switch back and forth easily. I bonded with both my kids just fine using bottles. Time to learn from this incident, solve the problem and move on from it. You might consider apologizing to your family for acting so erratically. Keep your daughters best interests at heart. She has already forgotten this incident, so move on. Incidents causing anger are just part of life after having children, we just have to learn effective ways of coping with the anger. Please, start enjoying your daughter again!

Don't beat yourself up!

i've gotten pissed at my 8 month old at 3 am because she thinks it's party time and I know my alarm is going off in 2 hours. I think we have all been there at one time or another. It's stressful being mom and working and trying to pump... Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Maybe you could contact a lactation consultant. Maybe she can help you figure out why your daughter is refusing you...

Good Luck!

You suck!!!

Consider yourself scolded. :) I am totally kidding. There is no reason to scold you. I am hoping to lighten the moment, not make fun of you or make light of the situation.

No, you shouldn't have done that. No, it wasn't nice or loving or entirely sane, welcome to the club!

You just went back to work this week, that is a big deal and very hard! Nursing or no nursing, this is an emotional week and it was bound to catch up sometime. I went back to work when my son was 15 mos and I was a wreck. I hated it. I got used to it and it did get better, but at first I felt like I didn't care if we ended up in the poor house as long as I was home with him.

If and when nursing becomes too difficult, let it go without guilt. When the stress of the situation outweighs the benefits, let it go. A happy mom is better than breastmilk. Easier said than done, I know. I nursed exclusively so I fully understand the desire to do so. But it isn't worth your sanity and your quality time with baby. You did your best, and that is good enough.

My crazy mom moment was when my son was about 9 mos old. I was looking for some important piece of paperwork my husband needed right away, I don't even remember what it was. He works out of town, leaving me home with kiddo for weeks at a time, and he needed me to scan and email this paper asap. I am usually ok with the situation, but that day had been a trying day, and this was more than I could stand. My son kept following me around pulling up on my leg and crying for me. He couldn't walk or stand unassisted yet, so he would pull up on me and I couldnt' move to go look in a different spot for the stupid paper. I finally lost it and yelled at him like a crazy person and threw the current stack of paperwork I was searching down on the desk. Then started crying and ran out of the room. I still feel bad for it. I have snapped and yelled plenty of other times too. I have to constantly work on not being a yeller (like my parents) and sometimes I fail miserably at it. I take time outs now too.

Your daughter will be fine. She loves you and will continue to love you. Kids are great like that. :)

HI Starlight.........I can hear the guilt in your post.......I believe that is enough punishment for now......

As new mother's, we strive to be that "picture perfect" situation with our infant.......unfortuntaley reality DOES set in and emotions have a tendency to take over because we can't all be like "JUNE CLEAVER" (uh oh, I'm showing my age).......

Forgive yourself today.......Kiss your daugther's forhead, and promise her you will be in control of your emotions next time........the sweetness on her face will let you know that everything will be OK.

I remember going through those emotions as a new mother.......but with constant mental work, it does get better........

I will send a prayer your way...........

~N. :O)

Hugs, girl! You have punished yourself enough. Adding more stress is not going to make things easier for you.
She will forgive you! Forgive yourself and let it go.
On the bright side, now you know to walk away from the situation when you feel at your breaking point.

Your reaction was rather normal... though I certainly can relate to your negative feelings toward yourself for it.
You have an emotional need to nurse your child, I'm sure. That is a lot of what triggered your response.
However, you may need to evaluate that need against your child's needs. You mention being worried your milk supply will dwindle if she doesn't nurse. It sounds like you are having your mother feed her formula from the bottles she's getting during the day. Have you considered trying to pump your milk for the bottles instead? A good breast pump is a bit of a major expense, but I think quite worth it. Most employers will gladly let you take your breaks and give you privacy for pumping during work hours, and you can also pump before and after work to be able to provide adequate breast milk for the bottles. You can also get freezer bags made just for the breast milk so that you can safely store any extra supply you might pump. I believe you can store pumped milk for up to a year in those bags. Our DIL did this for her son when she went back to work, and I found it quite easy to use the pumped breast milk for his feedings. She would come to nurse him at noon as well, but he was getting mother's milk at every feeding even if it came from a bottle rather than directly from mommy.

Another thought on your difficulty with your daughter... It sounds like your parents were present when this occured. Perhaps, because your mother has been feeding her the bottle during the week, your daughter was confused, or thought maybe she could get her milk a bit easier from the bottle than from you. It might have been easier if your parents had been out of the room when you tried to feed her.... just a thought that might help in the future.

Sweetie,

Forgive yourself. Breastmilk is very important for many physical reasons for your baby girl. I am sure your doctor explained to you. Wanting that, isnt a bad thing. Breastfeeding is a emotional link between you and baby too, you both need that. Youre a new mommy, so emotions are running high. I am sure, your baby doesnt even remember the ordeal. Let it go.

Being upset with your child is normal, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Our children tick us off, in fact, I am thinking when they go to school they have a class titled "101 to Guilt Trip Mom and Get On Your Parents Last Nerve".

Hang in there, HUGS!!!

Please stop beating yourself up! Your daughter is fine and will be fine. Feeling sooo frustrated that you have to try and force your daughter to breastfed is not uncommon. I bet many mother have tried similarly to fed their children. For now pump when you can and give her the bottle if that is what she needs. Sometimes they return to the breast and some times the bottle is more fun, go figure. Do not worry! Breast milk is the best but if you cannot give it from the breast try something new. My son had low weight issues so much so that his pediatrician begged me to "force feed" him and I actually did for a few weeks but then I could take the fighting/crying. He eventually gained enough weight but that experience made me cry every night and I promised never to something like that again. Babies are frustrating sometimes, they have no idea how to get their desires across and slowly, very slowly learn get them across an come to understand us better. 5 months from now you will have other challenges, so just relax and good luck. (It gets better and better the farther along the year they get to)

Hello Starlight, As the mother of 5 , and havin several grandchildren to bless my life with I have just had one of those days.
First it sounds like your child is done with nursing and you are the one insisting on it- so let it go- get over yourself and move on to the next part of her growing years. What your sad about is letting your little one goww up and be alright without you 100% of the time. If you have to work then that is a reality you have to deal with. I can say that working and having the expectations of a boss and then to have unrealistic expectations of yourself at home just wont make for a happy woman ever. We women have the way of making ourself feel guilty over every issue and that then gets projected onto others as well if your sitter does something for your child and not you you get jelouse and have a problem. Look for the reality and then deal witht he real issues, and not act like a spoiled child yourself.
You never mention the child's father, so I don't know how much help he is in this but if he can be able to take some pressure off that is good. I am tahnkful your father was there to help sooth the child's needs and maybe your own.
So at lunch time get lunch for yourself and eat and read a decent book and then comehome and appreciate that your child is loved and well cared for and then appreciate all the great things you have going for you as yu build your families future. Good Luck

Oh, you poor thing!

First of all, punishment doesn't help anyone, you or your child (when she's older). The best you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on. Feeling guilty doesn't serve you or her. Of course, it's natural to feel terrible, but you have to try to let go of that.

It sounds like you are having a very hard time since you just went back to work, which is completely normal! And being the mother of a newborn is so hard anyway. I look back at the first year and wish I had been more relaxed, happy, calm, than I was. But that's the way it was, and my daughter is now 2.5 years old and we are all happy.

Regarding your milk supply, are you pumping? You can keep your supply up that way and give it to her in a bottle. I can't guess why she'd rather have a bottle than the breast, but maybe you can contact your local La Leche League for suggestions? I found them very supportive and helpful when I was first breastfeeding.

It also sounds like maybe you are grieving a bit at the loss of time with your daughter and now she isn't accepting your breast. I'd have a hard time with that, too. Give yourself a break and just try to reconnect with your daughter. I've behaved badly around my daughter before and I always apologize to her, and even before she could talk she'd let me know she'd forgiven me (caressed my face, or something like that). It's not too early to tell her you're sorry and tell her how much you love her. Of course, she won't understand the words, but she will understand the feeling. It's also good to get in the habit of communicating even this early.

Finally, do you have other people you can talk to? Can you see a therapist or do you have a trusted friend you can talk with? Being a new mommy can be so hard and isolating. The first year was SO hard for me, too.

Hang in there! Be kind to yourself and your little baby girl. Try to get some help if you need to. And surround yourself with people who can be supportive to you.

Hugs,

H.

p.s. Feel free to write to me directly if you fell you need to!

And here is the La Leche League website:
www.llli.org

I dont need to beat you bc you are doing that already! yeah it was not 'cool' but you are human and being a mom can be so stressful so just remember that it was not a good thing to do and move on! If you let this get to you then you will never be able to solve the problem. nursing is hard, emotionally and physically....as we speak my 17 mo old is playing w/ dad at 11 bc I am at wits end bc she just wont sleep...sometimes you just need to let go and start over in the morning. Anyways on to the real problem.....I have been nursing for 17 mo now and there are many ups and downs and I could not have gotten through them all w/o help!! so my best advice is to contact your local LLL and they will support you and answer many questions that you will have.....I still have a bunch at 17 mo of nursing!!! If you can afford it, it is a bit pricy but BEYOND worth the cost as I dont need to tell you the benfits of nursing you prob. know them......look into getting a lactaction consultant. mine was a LIFE SAVER, she helped us w/ many issues in the start (serious ones: no milk, mastis, no weight gain) and then when I thought I was going back to work she helped w/ that (which is what you need right now) and she is always there for other questions that have popped up in the past 17 mo. FEEL FREE to contact me if you need any more info on how to find your LLL or a LAC. good luck, move on this is sadly just the start of the many things we will reget...and learn from as moms! I am just glad that you know it was wrong and have started in the right direction to finding help.

I fear part of a parent is recognizing your bad moments, figuring out what you need to not feel pushed so far next time....
and digging deep
and go back to being the kind of parent that makes yourself proud.
((hugs))

You know withdrawing makes it "worse" so moving forward is the part that seems to take the most "digging deep".

If your supply is very important to you, see if you can buy/rent from a lactation center/borrow from a friend a pump. Take some of the pressure off you and your partner (daughter) in breastfeeding for both sides of the dynamic. I have also heard of women getting prescriptions for Reglan when they got back to work, but I haven't researched that drug in about 4 years. (For all I know it could be taboo these days, my sister-in-law did well on it)

Going back to work is one of the most stressful points for a mom, so feeling like you want everything to be normal between you and your daughter is pretty natural. You want to feel everything is FINE, and you can do everything at 99%. Your body, and you like to think you are... a little in control? Plus there is the whole emotional attachment issue - you want to know your daughter still needs you....

The great thing about 4mo is you can have these bad moments, and baby forgives and moves on long before you do. Hang in there, and get some rest so you have a deeper emotional reserve for the week!

(((Hugs)))

You've already gotten such great advice and support here -- please listen to everyone telling you you're not a bad mom! This is just a bump in the road, and there will be bumps in the road.

From my experience as a working mother of two, I can tell you that it helps to have some little rituals to relax and reconnect with your baby after a long, stressful day at work. One thing that works really well for me is to get in the bath with the baby. That way you can focus solely on each other and reconnect in a peaceful environment. It also helps take the focus OFF nursing and on just having fun together. And you may just find, as I did, that babies LOVE to nurse in the bath!

Don't feel bad. I think this had alot to do with yourself going back to work at her age and you probably didn't want to leave her. We all have our moments.
Your little one isn't holding it against you, you stressed out on the wrong little one but I honestly don't think you knew it was coming.
No doubt you feel that you violated your motherly love, you didn't. Your daughter loves you anyways and always will. The best thing that happened is she is now on the bottle, she is happy and you sound much happier for her.
What you said, every time I look at her I want to cry, don't feel that way, all is forgiven, you have berated yourself, nobody else had to. Now it has brought you to peace with yourself and little one. We all have our bad days and like I said, guilt, being away, someone else looking after her, how much more could you take. You are a wonderful mom, don't ever think differently.
Take care Starlight your on the right road now. Good luck!! Your daughter is happy, if you shed tears, shed them for happiness. She is a part of you!!

I just want to send you a hug! I feel your pain and I have been there...more than once! Don't be too hard on yourself. Your baby is still very little, you're not getting adequate sleep, you're working...this is hard stuff!!! Do not punish yourself, just try and learn from this and move on. You said it best, she's fine. You are hurting worse than she is so just let go and decide what you want to do.

I did not have success breast feeding for multiple reasons, so I cannot really good give advice in that arena, but I can tell you that I felt terribly guilty for it and once I released that guilt and "gave in" to the bottle, it was the best decision I could have made. My life became easier, I was calmer and I was a better mom. If you want to continue to nurse, I'm sure you can, just work out a strong plan and get some help from a lactation nurse. Do whatever will make it easier on you, I know that now I sound selfish :), but in order to be a good mom, you have to know your limits.

Use a breast pump if you are worried about your supply and please get professional help for yourself. Acceptance is the first step and you have crossed that bridge, so now all you need are a few baby steps to look after yourself so that you can be a perfect mama :D Babies with feeding problems can cause a lot of stress in their parents life but a good therapist will help you cope with this.

I've never breast fed either one of my two adopted boys but felt like writing you in hopes of encouraging you. I think as moms we all have moments when we feel like we have failed as moms.
Disappoint ourselves and go somewhere we never intended to go in our moments of frustration. I know that I have more than on one occasion. I understand your sadness. I think that it makes you a good mommy for even caring so much to post this. Please allow yourself some grace and move on before it grows into something more. Tell her your sorry and then tell yourself the same and if you feel moved tell your family the same. Cry some and pull your self up and continue being a mommy. Hang in there.
Best Regards,
C.

Starlight,

I once rubbed my daughter's cradle cap skin-ickies away, gently but persistently, not really realizing that the skin was so THIN there.....She had some little tiny bloody scabs later. I CRIED. I got sick to my stomach. I'm a tough chick, but even "quicking" a little finger while nail trimming tears me up. We are programmed to defy the limits of human endurance in order to take care of our babies. Sometimes it just is too much.

Are you missing your baby by being away at work? That frustration right there can be problematic, in addition to the fear of not nursing sufficiently.

I found the earlier post regarding HOW to position the baby for bottle feeding to be very interesting and possibly very helpful. One other thing I would ask is how far your daughter sleeps from you...? I'm sure that there are persons who will rip me apart for suggesting co-sleeping, but we're on our fifth baby who sleeps with me, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. That bond of snuggling up to go to sleep is wonderfullly soothing, and really helps bond mother and child. Also, if your daughter has an arrangement where she can snuggle and nurse at will at night, that might take some of the stress away.

Best wishes and blessings to you--we all lose our cool, we all feel like throwing ourselves off a bridge over it, we all push ourselves too hard...it's just a mommy thing.....

Hello,

The best advice I can give you is to learn to forgive yourself! This won’t be the first time you’re ashamed of your behavior. Pick yourself up, wipe yourself off, and move forward as the loving mother you are. We all have great days, good days, and devastating days as moms. Recognize these moments, learn from them, and do the best you can do!

Most of us know that you’re a tired mom that just wants to nurture your baby and you’re stressed that your milk is drying up….totally understandable! We forgive you….so now you get to forgive yourself!! Give yourself and your daughter a big hug!!

S.

I agree with the big hug part!! don punish yourself. I cry like everyother day from my two kids frusterating me LOL my son is 3 and my daughter is almost 9mths. its just hard sometimes. i have never breast fed and glad at times that i didnt because i am sure that it is just another stress factor or at least it would be in my life. however i have yelled before and cried for doing it. i have had my mad man mom moments. LOL they happen and as upset as you are i am sure you are a great mom just had a moment. doesnt make you a bad mom or person. it just happens. she wont ever remember it either so dont worry, just take a deep breathe maybe apologize to anyone you feel might have cared or noticed the temper tantrum and they will understand these things happen. good luck girl. keep up the great work being a mom is hard but worth the struggles in the end. happy things like my son at 8am saying he is having a good day with me, when i am headed to work and he has only been a wake an hour but hey to hear that an hour spent with me on the way to my work is fine with me. i love to know when he is happy. he has lots of emotional issues so its a big deal to me. most of my melt downs are from her waking up at all hours of the night and being exhausted from it. or him being a very emotional mess and making me nuts LOL stuff happens its all good. good luck girl

A lot of us have been there. I am so sorry your stressed. The same thing happened to me with my second child when i went back to work. even though I was pumping and the milk he was getting from the bottle was still me, he just found it easier to get it from the bottle. Some babies choose the lazier route, it just happens sometime through no fault of your own. I too was still able to nurse at night for a while without any problems, but the daytime ones just continued to get worse. I know you want to do what is best for your baby by giving her breast milk and the bonding is amazing i felt the same way, but it's not worth the stress for either of you. I had to stop much earlier than i wanted to and even after he stopped nursing completly i pumped as long as I could but unfortunatly I soon ran out. It happens and you have to know it's ok. You gave her a great start. I know it's disapointing , but the last thing you want to do after being gone from her all day is be stressed while trying to spend time with her. You can still bond with a bottle if necessary. Also don't feel so bad your hormones are crazy right now, your probably exhausted and missing your baby while at work. Its normal to be overwhelmed. Just do whatever works best for the both of you so your time together is spent bonding and having fun with her not being upset. Im sure you'll get through this you sound like as awesome mom...just keep it up and give yourself a break and some time to adjust. Good luck.

First of all, THANK YOU for being so honest!!! You are NOT the worst mom in the world!! I knew I wasn't the only one that had days like this, but I'm so ashamed by these moments that I've never confided in anyone, so THANK YOU!!!

Secondly, I don't think this really had anything to do with the breastfeeding aspect; it probably has more to do with the emotions going through you right now. You're stressed because of returning to work and trying to make everything flow smoothly (milk included). You probably feel a little guilty for having to leave her so young, and you're also suffering a little from not being able to see your baby all day every day :( I'm fortunate enough to be a SAHM with my 2 kids (3.5y, 6mo), and I honestly couldn't imagine how I would feel if I had to return to work, especially at 4mo. So, cut yourself some slack with all these changes....

As a peer counselor with Nursing Mothers Counsel, she does NOT sound like she's ready to give up nursing. VERY few babies wean themselves at 4mo, so take heart and have faith! Your daughter has been through a lot of changes, and so have you, in the last week! If you want to continue nursing, great. If not, that's fine, too, but it sounds like you're committed to breastfeeding, and that's awesome! That being said, is she nursing well on your lunch break? If so, you more than likely have nothing to worry about. One day is not going to make or break your supply, so you don't need to stress about that either. What makes you believe you haven't had a good milk supply? The main thing that influences your supply is stimulation, so if she's not nursing, you may need to hand express or pump (if you have one) to help maintain, especially if this continues through the weekend. I'm not sure about your work routine, but to maintain your supply through the workweek, you'll need to pump whenever your daughter would nurse but can't (or won't).

We also need to remember that babies take more from the bottle because they have no choice. Gravity rules when it comes to bottles because the milk/formula just drips out when it's upside down, and this is the traditional way to bottle-feed a baby. To help facilitate breastfeeding through the bottle, we should sit our babies up on our lap (like they're sitting at the dinner table) and hold the bottle (parallel to the dinner table) and have the milk just covering the opening of the bottle, so she has to work to get the milk out just like she has to work at the breast. She may be experiencing a little bit of nipple preference right now, but if you try this method of bottle-feeding, you may find she goes back and forth more seamlessly.

How was she acting today before you gave her the bottle? Was she happy? Fussy? Acting hungry? Her behavior pre-bottle will help you understand why she was refusing the breast. Honestly, she may just not have been hungry. As parents, sometimes we think our babies should eat the same amount at the same time day after day, but this just isn't true. We need to understand that our babies have appetites just like an adult does; their needs fluctuate day to day and even throughout the day. She's also at an age developmentally where she's able to go longer without feeding because she takes in more per feeding than she did even a week ago. Everything about your baby is going to change SO FAST in the first year that the only you can count on is that it's going to change :) You may also be noticing that the cues she gave you a week ago that said she was hungry (sucking on her fingers or fist, licking her lips, tonguing objects, etc) may not necessarily mean the same thing this week.

Try not to be so hard on yourself; EVERY mom has days that they're going to feel guilty about. And sometimes as much as we tell ourselves we're never going to do "that" again, we may find ourselves in the indelible position that we just did "that" again!! We're human, and no human is perfect, so please don't beat yourself up over this :( That your daughter was laughing and playing so soon after the incident should show you that our kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. The best thing you can do to make up to her is to walk over and LOVE her. Snuggle her, kiss her, apologize to her, tell her how much you love her, and just let her know through your actions that you still love her!! She'll probably act like nothing even happened....

Hope this helps, but if you want more information about breastfeeding, please feel free to visit our website at http://www.nursingmothers.org, or you can email me off-list at ____@____.com are a non-profit organization who provides free one-on-one education and support to breastfeeding moms at all stages mainly through phone counseling, but we also do free home visits and teach breastfeeding classes to pregnant moms. Try to let it go, and have a great weekend!

Hello! I agree that maybe you felt that she was rejecting YOU and not just the feeding. And this made you feel awful because you are having to deal with the grief of leaving her to go to work. I had so many friends tell me it was OK to go back to work, my son would be fine, I would be fine...to an extent this was true. But it didn't make me feel better. What did make me feel better was to accept that I hated leaving him. I stopped trying to explain this to people who wouldn't/couldn't understand and stuck with expressing myself to those who "got it." Next I found extreme comfort in how happy and content my son was with my mother. I think you should give yourself time to grieve, because it is painful to leave your baby and go back to work. Also, I loved breastfeeding. But it is not everything I am or can do as a mother. Maybe a part of you will grieve for this time (breastfeeding) might be coming to an end. It is a time when you feel close to your baby and with having to leave her this week it is painful that she won't feed, won't give you that way to connect where you feel like you are the only one in her world who can do this for her. So I think it is understandable that you reacted extremely...you don't sound like someone for whom this is a pattern. Also you have a good set up for going back to work, mom watching her and you able to see her on your lunch breaks. So give yourself plenty of time for the transition and know that you are not alone in melting down. It is very stressful going back to work, and that stress builds up. I hope you can forgive yourself and move on...your baby has. So go pick her up and cuddle her, Monday and work are coming around again soon.

You should probably check in with a mental health specialist about post partum depression.

I remember being very sad and angry when I returned to work with each of my three children. It took several weeks in a routine for my breast milk to even out and yes, I was able to continue to breast feed until they were 2 years old. Best wishes....

You are not a bad mom. You are a mom under stress who had a bad 10 minutes. As a fellow working mom, I can tell you that both times, going back to work after maternity leave was a HARD adjustment. The feelings of guilt were almost overwhelming for me. I cried every day as I drove to work, and then while I was at work, I felt badly for enjoying my work! So I know how you feel.

That said, some babies, once they are bottle fed, don't want to work at breastfeeding. It's more difficult for them to get a good, full meal and they have to work a little harder at it than when they are bottle fed. Maybe your baby likes being bottle fed. You could pump and then give her breastmilk from a bottle, and that would provide the benefits of breastfeeding and still allow you to cuddle her and spend that time with her in a non-stressful way for both of you. My husband was an at-home dad for the first 6 months of our older daughter's life, and so she really only wanted to have a bottle and not breastfeed. So, I pumped (a LOT). It worked well for us. With my second daughter, she decided she didn't want to breastfeed anymore at 6 months, so I said to heck with it and gave her formula! They have both grown into the most delightful little girls, and are both healthy as horses.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. I have a secret for you - these moms who look like "Super Mom" do not have their acts together any more than you do. We're all just doing the best we can for our kids, figuring it all out as we go. Remember that a happy mom will make for a happy baby. Just do the best you can! If breastfeeding isn't working for both of you, then try pumping, or use formula - she will be absolutely fine either way, I promise you! =)

Hang in there, mama!! You're doing fine!

Hello!
I read your post and cannot help thinking that Reiki would help. Reiki is energy, and there is a simple way to learn to give this energy to others and even to ourselves. If you take Reiki training, you will be able to give treatments to your child and also to yourself. Believe me, you will be glad.

My Reiki teacher, who lives in Jerusalem, Israel, will be coming to teach in the SF Bay Area during the first two weeks in June. Please get back to me so that I can send you more information about the classes, and even get you in touch with her so that you can ask her questions directly. Hurry, because she will be leaving Jerusalem on May 27th, and after that it will be hard for her to answer you.

sincerely,

S.

We've all lost it a time or two. She's fine, nothing is hurt.
Bottles are easier to suckle than the breast. You may want to try to pump. Expressing all your milk will usually help increase production. Breast milk from a bottle is still breast milk.

My BIGGEST hugs to you my friend - this is a huge adjustment for you and your little one. It will all work out!!

PEACE!

This was an unfortunate incident, and memories of it will probably be stinging you for a much longer time than your daughter's memories will sting her. You don't need more punishment than the remorse you are feeling.

Keep in mind that remorse/conscience are useful to the degree they get us to commit to doing better next time. Beyond that, guilt is a pretty useless function. Be good to yourself and your daughter, learn what you can, and move forward – a little larger and more understanding than you were before the incident. Your daughter will benefit from what you learn about forgiveness, which basically means giving up all hope for a better past.

Starlight, You are not a bad mom, you are a good mom way too stressed out! Big difference there, my friend. I woud suggest trying to pump your breast milk anytime you feel neccessary and supplemting with the formula. You baby girl loves her Mama. It is hard to go back to work. I wish and pray for your and your family to be well and happy. Don't be so hard on yourself!
Love,
Patti B

No, you're not the worst mom in the world. Every mom has a bad day here and there. I've always believed that the first year after you have a baby is the toughest both emotionally and physically. Your hormones are still wacky from having the baby and add to that going back to work and missing your baby--major stress.

If you need to be at work but you want her to have breastmilk...and she now prefers the bottle which is common...why not pump all her milk and give her breastmilk in a bottle? I know many women who pump every 2-3 hours at work (at their desk, in the restroom or lactation room) and store the milk in a refrigerator or cooler. You can pump a lot in advance and even freeze a good supply.

I can assure you (I breastfeed both my children until they were 15 months old) if you don;t pump or nurse on the infant's feeding schedule (every 2-4 hours you will not get an adequate supply. It's not too late to produce more though...just get pumping.

I'd recommend a double electric or hospital grade pump - you can rent these or buy. I also recommend a hands-free pumping-bra. This way you can surf the net or keep working while you pump - taking your mind off pumping helps with the let down. It's quick - takes about 20 minutes for 6-10+ oz depending on how much you are producing etc. The more you pump/nurse, the more you will produce. Also you need to drink at least 8oz of water every time you pump or nurse or your supply will drop.

Fenugreek is a supplement you can buy at GNC which help boost supply.

Lastly, I found that when I was agitated or upset the baby is quick to pick up on that...and there is no way they will be able to nurse. So try to relax or let yourself off the hook here...so you can actually meet your goals. Your frustration is counterproductive.

All of us have lost it on occasion, and this will not be the last time you will be kicking yourself about motherhood. I once told one of mine that I would never feed her again...and you know THAT was not anything I could follow through on! It happens. You will not be perfect, so don't beat yourself up for it at all.

Have you always been so hard on yourself, or could your hormones be a little out of wack from the pregnancy? We are all a little crazy from lost sleep at this stage, but if you think you might be feeling things with too much intensity, you might want to speak to your doctor. The tone of your post is a little over the top for what happened, so you might consider it. I hope you feel better soon!

M.

No scolding needed, it's natural to be frustrated. I'm going to ask this: after your daughter was born, were you given time by your family to be alone with your daughter? I ask this because when my son was born, my in-laws got to the hospital literally ten minutes before he was born (9:30ish in the morning) and did not leave until AFTER visiting hours ended (8pm) ... they left the room three times; twice when the nurse tried to get him to latch on and once to go get dinner. They even stayed while I ate the Chinese food my dad brought me because I refused to eat hospital food. He never latched on ... I borrowed a breast pump from a friend; (she bought new tubing) but everything else could be re-sterilized; I pumped what I could and supplemented with formula; he was always hungry and I couldn't pump fast enough. With my daughter, I didn't even call my in-laws until three hours after she was born and she latched right on and nursed for four months; she was up EVERY twenty minutes at night and only napped for two hours at a time during the day. Give yourself a break, you're not a bad mom for losing your temper; it happens, she's too young to understand what's going on. Good luck.

Ok, take a step back moment. I can see where you would be upset about her not wanting your breast anymore but keep in mind the MOST important thing for her is that she actually is getting your breast milk-in any way. If she's better from a bottle, let her have it, but keep pumping so that your supply won't go down. Getting frustrated won't help your supply at all. I had a major stress event in my life when my son was 6 mo. old-my father passed away suddenly- and my milk all but vanished. You can still have that special moment with your child while feeding her a bottle.
And being the mom of a 2.5 yr old and one on the way, I promise you that we all MUST learn to be as patient with them as they are with us. You haven't seen anything yet. Take a deep breath, you'll be ok.

Don't feel sad for your daughter--she will not even remember it.
You can feel free to feel sad for yourself, about what you are missing or losing, in terms of time with your baby, who is growing quickly.
BUT, you are not a bad mom. And this is not a tragedy.
Get some sleep. =)
If you are worried about your production of breastmilk, you can pump, right?