Guilty?

ohhh K., you are in for a real meltdown when number two comes. I felt fine to do ALL the work with number one, but I had number 2 on Jan. 21st and I've had many meltdowns about this issue because I need him now. I can't do it all with them so close in age and both needing my attention immediately ALL THE TIME. I would create a schedule for when he's home. Family time, my time, etc....I sat down and wrote a letter/email to my husband explaining my feelings and then I attached a calendar where I thought he could help. Grocery Shopping (use Pea Pod and pay the extra money) and it seems to be working some. Good Luck sweetie.

I mean this in the BEST WAY Possible...Girl Snapp out of it! You not only have the right to ask him to help, you have the responsibility to you and to yourself to ask for help when you need it. If you don't take of yourself, you're no good to your child or anyone else!

I was married to a Fireman/Paramedic. I used to spend nights there when we dated...they don't work that hard, unless their called out a lot that shift. Don't get me wrong, they have very important jobs, but they kind of live it up in between the action. You should try going up there and having dinner with them sometimes...they eat very well! :)

Congrats on #2 coming. You think it's tough now, just wait. Don't get me wrong, the joys of two FAR out weigh the struggles, but it's even harder to find that all-important "Me Time". I work full time out of the house and so does my husband. I used to feel bad asking him to do things, too. But after a bit I realized that he's not doing something for ME, but for our son. We both decided to have kids, so we both need to participate in their care.

I have found it helpful to give him options as to what he wants to do. Example: "Honey, there's a load in the dryer or the bottles need to be washed. Which one do you want?" OR "Wanna give baths or kitchen clean-up?". It works well and he really doesn't have the option to say, "Neither, you do both!" But, if I didn't ask - that's exactly what I would be doing.

As for you getting your much needed pregnancy rest...this past weeked our 7 month old had a double ear infection and went from his usual "angel baby" to miserable. He was up all night and we didn't know why (no fever or other signs). Anyway, we were both absolutely EXHAUSTED come last night. I mean dead, zombie tired. I'm breastfeeding and I got up last night and got like 2 oz total. I realized that my pure exhaustion was taking a toll on my milk. This morning I took five minutes and told my husband this. I explained that I needed to get some rest as the stress and lack of sleep is too much for my body right now. Since we both want me to BF until a year - he said he would take today off to catch up on sleep so that I could sleep tonight.

I would suggest talking to him and telling him that although he doesn't MAKE you feel guilty, you feel that way. Explain to him that you are in need of his help so much more now because of the pregnancy and it's not going to change. Figure out what he would like to do when he's home...bath, bedtime feeding, clean-up from dinner, a load of laundry - whatever. And let him do it. At the same time (as another poster mentioned), let him do it his way. Unless it's something major, you'll have to deal with the slight difference in his folding/cleaning/bathing technique.

Seriously, don't feel guilty for asking. I'm sure after he gets some of his needed rest, he'll be more than happy to spend time with his son.

Good luck.

I also feel guilty when my husband has to take care of our twins. I am a SAHM and would go crazy if I didn't get out alone to do an errand or go and have coffee with a friend.Try to put the guilt aside and remember that to be a good mom you have to take care of yourself first. With the new baby on the way you will grow to realise that you deserve some mommy alone time or you will go crazy. Hang in there !

As your baby gets older, the guilt will subside and you will start to realize that taking the opportunity to recharge your batteries will make you a better mommy.

You have a full time job, and then some, but also deserve time off. You may be surprised to find that your husband wants to hang out with your child one on one - but maybe feels that he's pushing his way into your job.

Open the lines of communication, express your needs and listen to his. Explain what you need, and what you want directly. As we all know, most men don't get subtle hints. Be direct and be thankful you have the opportunity to stay at home with your angels, but know that you also need a balance.

Congrats on baby #2, remember to pamper yourself during your me-time. Massage, manicure, whatever. In the end, everyone will be better off.

Hi K.,

How wonderful that your two children will be so close in age. My three are each eight years apart (27, 18 and 4)! Your son will have a playmate and close sibling always :-)

What the other posts said here are right about arranging certain 'tasks' ahead of time - especially before your new baby comes along.

My husband works really hard physical labor (often long hours) and when he comes home he needs shower - food - couch and just cannot focus on anything else. I try to be understanding about that, some days he is just really exhausted. So I also felt guilty asking for help (for like a minute) ha ha. Seriously, he had to learn to get a second wind after resting for a short time after work and I had to learn to not jump on him before he had a chance to eat and rest. I could not do it all alone - no one should have to.

When my daughter was a few months old, I remember handing her to him when he walked in the door and 'running away' upstairs and locking myself in my room or running out the door to meet a girlfriend for a drink. This was not healthy for any of us - but I do understand where you're coming from. The first time I did that, my husband looked at me with a frightened look and said, "what do you want me to do"? And I said - "be her daddy!" and ran - this was not the right way to handle things - please don't let yourself get to that point.

What worked for us was to talk at a time OTHER than when either of us was exhausted / overwhelmed (a narrow window). When the right time finally presented itself, I pointed out some exact things he could do that would go along with his schedule and then asked him "which of these things are you going to be taking over?" I didn't ask "if" I just went on the assumption that he was going to take some things on.

When our daughter was little I was up with her every night numerous times - she did not sleep through the night until she was 3!

We agreed I could reach over and pat his shoulder and he knew it was his 'turn' to get up with her without being mad about it - at the time that was huge for me. Also, he did the diaper changing on weekends. After he started doing just a few things, he really got the hang of it (it was his 1st baby and he felt a little incapable and I didn't realize that) as his confidence in caring for her increased, he began taking other things on voluntarily. I had to bite my tongue not to criticize the way he did things - my Mom pointed that out - she said "it's okay for dads to do things their own way", and she was so right.

Right now our routine is that each Saturday morning my husband takes our daughter (now 4) with him to run errands, he does all the grocery shopping and then they usually stop at the Park or somewhere else 'fun'. This gives me some time for myself. It's also his part to help her brush her teeth each night after I help with her bath, then he gets her into bed with a story picked out before I come up to read to her.

I was a single Mom with my other two and I truly appreciate whatever help he gives me, because even the littlest things make a huge difference. I let him know that I appreciate his help, even though I guess I don't have to - it makes him happy to hear it.

I was surprised how receptive my husband was to exact 'tasks', rather than me tearfully complaining "I need you to help more" - this was too vague and he didn't really know how to help.

I trust you'll sit down and think of a few particular things he could do within his schedule to make your life happier - and then don't ask IF ask WHICH ONES he will do.

cheers,

W.

I know how you feel. I get worried about attacking my husband as soon as he walks in the door and handing him our daughter. However, I have come to realize that he wants to spend this time with her since he is the dad. If you are feeling really guilty about it and talk to your husband and see how he is feeling. Especially before the second one comes and you feel even more overwhelmed at times.

Um...YES!!! I have four great kids and a fantastic husband. Having said that, there are times (several a week in fact) that I feel like just running away! I've had times when I've suddenly realized that I haven't left the house for an entire week! My husband has been self-employed for several years but has recently returned to working commercial construction full time (While still keeping his own business). In addition, he is a firefighter (POC) as well. Because I babysit my nephew during the week, I am unable to leave the house during the time I have him. (Ever try to get two babies and a two year into a mini-van in under 45 minutes?!) It is VERY difficult to be a stay at home parent. It can be frustrating, boring, overwhelming, isolating, and just plain no fun sometimes! It is also something I can't imagine not doing. When my husband gets home, all I want to do is say, "Okay - I'm out of here! Feed 'em and put 'em to bed!" I, however, don't do this! Here's the punch line...
While I have a great deal of work and such to do, it's not as if my husband is out enjoying free time. He's out there working very hard to provide EVERYTHING that the family requires. He has worked all day. The days/nights he is on duty at the fire dept. are not spent just hanging around waiting for a fire! As my 3 brothers who are also full-time firefighters/paramedics can attest to, a night a the dept. is very similar to dealing with a newborn. You're woken up very often - even if they don't have to go on a particular call they are still awakened by the various alarms going off all night. This is not good sleep! It makes sense that your husband will be tired the day after shift! However...if he's able to recover the following day there is NO reason he shouldn't be on baby duty the following day giving you at least 2 free days a week! And if you do get those days, for the love of God, enjoy them! Enjoy them for yourself and for all the other stay at homes out here! And not to freak you out (famous last words) but it's not going to get any easier with more children. Get at least one of those days for yourself now so your husband gets used to it! Men are hard to program and even harder to reprogram. And above all, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about taking that time! He is the other parent, and given his schedule shouldn't be a big problem. He works and needs his down time. You work and need your down time. Get it while you can! Good luck!

Honestly, reading posts like this on these boards has been exceptionally helpful in the 'training' of my husband.

Remember, many of these men grew up in households where mommy took care of everything while dad was at work. Some men end up expecting it to be the same way when they become dads. That SO wasn't going to sit well with me.

I have my husband convinced that it is impossible for our baby to be bathed by only one of us. We've been tag-teaming the bath for 13 months now! Also, on bath nights he puts the baby to bed, so we've split that duty right down the middle.

Have a conversation with him and actually set up a schedule or arrangement of how things will be done. The coolest thing about the arrangement I have with my husband is that on the weekends we each have 'our morning' to get up with the baby, while the other gets to sleep in. We both have a guaranteed day to sleep in...and at the same time, the baby gets some great one-on-one attention with me only or daddy only. I love knowing that I will get one day every weekend to sleep in til 9:00 if I want to! (I work full time during the week)

Talk to him, let him know how stressed you are and be specific when discussing ways he can help you. Build it into your schedule as an expectation.

Hi there, I know exactly how you feel. We recently moved here from another state and I do not know anyone. Sometimes I feel like I am going to go crazy. I love my kids but I also need a life outside of them. My husband also works weird hours and long shifts then comes home and sleeps. The husbands think they have it made but little do they know that us wives would love to have a job and get away from family responsibility. All I can say is hang in there and try to meet some people that are also stay at home moms. When you have another adult to converse with and hangout with in the day, you actually get to feel like a person and not just a mom!!!

I'm right there with you. I'm a SAHM so I am with my kids pretty much 24/7. I've actually found myself "thanking" my husband for giving a bath, dinner, etc. That's not right at all,
he's not the babysitter, he's the Dad. He has the luxury of going to work everyday and not having children screaming at him. Don't feel guilty, your son is his responsibility too. You are extra tired now being pregnant and will be even more come September so get over feeling guilty for asking for help because you are going to need a lot more help with 2 babies than you do now. I somehow feel being at home, I have to do it all and do it perfectly in order to justify not "working." I hate that term because I feel like I'm constantly working from morning until I crawl into bed exhausted. Get some rest and sleep now while you can with just one baby because there is no break with two. They never sleep at the same time!!! Good luck and just try talking to your husband about it. He'll never really get it but he'll at least realize that you need some help.