Grieving - Los Angeles,CA

So sorry L..............I see that you live in the LA area I have someone that might be able to help you. Please email me back and I will give you the info

go to a different doctor, please tell you are not going to va. physcians for women. i had dr. hyde , who is with va. physcians for women, and not only was he arrogant and rude, but as i learned when my babys dismissal paperwork finally came to me, he had claimed in writing that i was retarded with questionable comprehension skills!! anyway, back on tract, go to a different doctor, you may have uterine fiberoids, or there may be something else wrong. write back to me and let me know.
please dont flag this, women out there need to know that there are doctors who will say ugly things about them, and never have the spine to say it to their face.
K. h.

I'm so sorry for you loss, L..

I too miscarried - my first and only pregnancy. At just 8 weeks. I was devastated, even as I knew in my intellectual mind that the fluttering heartbeat and my body rejecting the fetus meant that the child might never have made it to term, or might have had devastating health problems. I started the process late in life, and nothing was wrong with me but having lived a lot of years.

My Father counseled at the time:
~ your grief is individual. No two persons will grieve alike, even for the same death. Do what you need to do.
~ your grief, however manifested, is absolutely valid. It is to be respected
~ your grief cannot be denied. You must embrace it, and work through it. If you suppress it, it will arise in some other way at a future time.

After an agreed upon time of actively pursuing fertility treatments and programs with no results and much disappointment, we became an adoptive family. And lo, we were gifted with a lovely girl who needed parents as much as we needed a child. I could not love her more, nor be more her Mom than I am. This was an epiphany, a truth I learned when her eyes first met mine (she was 5 months old).

I hope you can find a small and still place to honor the babies you did not get to bring into the world, and to find the strength to continue to make your family a reality. There are great suggestions below about testing and coping, and I am sure that you can find something that fits your needs.

My story had a happy ending, and so shall yours, whatever your journey is going to be. We can't always change that journey, but we can adjust how we travel.

Hugs.

I had a miscarriage too, before I had my son.

It will take time.... talk with your Hubby too. The man gets feelings about it too... maybe commiserate with him. Its such a private thing....

It took me a couple of months to feel normal again... and not 'numb' about it.

Or, there are "grief support groups" too, that is real helpful.

Ask your Doctor about any tests. I don't know off hand of any.

all the best,
Susan

I don't have any advice, just want to say how very sorry that I am for your losses. I know how hard it is. My prayers and warm thoughts are with you L..

I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear what you are going through. I just had my third miscarriage and had D&C surgery on Friday. I go through a few OK hours and then just start crying out of nowhere.

After my second miscarriage I went to see a reproductive endocrinologist simply because I didn't think that I could handle going through another miscarriage. After many tests, they determined that I have hypothyroidism. I was able to get pregnant, but my uterine lining was too thin to support a pregnancy. I had been on synthroid for about 6 months and got pregnant again. As a result, I have a healthy, active, almost 3 year-old boy.

This time we heard a heartbeat @ 7 weeks and @ 12 weeks, the baby had stopped growing. It is just heartbreaking. Maybe for some peace of mind, see a specialist. For me, I really feel like this time, the baby just didn't develop in the right way, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier. It is hard not to feel so lonely in this situation. I have told a few people and it is surprising how common it is. Again though, nothing but time makes it any easier. If there is anything else I can do, let me know. Take care, it really will get a little easier, but it never leaves you.

I am sorry for your loss and your pain L.. Time will get you through this. It just takes time to heal the heart. Just take it day by day.

There are books that address that. Good to be in teh company of someone who gets it. Two miscarriages would be not only the loss but the fear of anticipated future loss and not knowing. Check out Amazon.com which gives an overview and readers reviews. If you check the library, make sure you get a newish one, not a old one. Ask the United Way or your church or any big nearby church if they know of a grief group just for losses like that.

Face the fear. Get a reference to an OB/BYN specialist that can give you any applicable test. Some times it can be improved with hormones, sometimes you have to lay down several weeks. Sometimes it's because you have a weak cervex or a septum division in your uturous. I'm sure there are scads more reasons.

Sorry for your loss and your fears. People who haven't had babies can't imagine the depth of the loss. Course, you don't want to spell it out to them in great detail.

Be private at this time. Explain your feelings to your husband of course. Ask him what his experience is of it and/or fears. Read together on the subject. Rent movies, no kleenex types, some action, some humorous as humor helps heal. Even comedy DVDs but eliminate the comics that are too too for you (over the top, use 4 letter words) but that one comic who is angry/funny: Lewis Black, angry, indignant, livid and funny might be a good little strategy too. I've said my heartfelt prayers for you.

For the people that don't get it, have a standpat answer for them. Ignore whatever it is that they say and just tell them it's harder than you could imagine but you're going to find out what might have caused it and let your grieving take its course. Then, quietly leave the scene and say to yourself, "Poor thing doesn't get it at all." Keeps you from a constant tape in your head saying angry thoughts like, "What a cold, unfeeling blockhead" ... or something similar.

However, if your grieving doesn't lesson over a year's time or gets dibilitating, ask your doctor how he feels about a temporary prescription for depression and/or anxiety or help getting to sleep, etc.

Hi L. -

First let me offer my condolences for your losses. I've been there, as have been a most of the women who responded. As to how to return to the normal day to day functioning, my best advice to you is to allow yourself some time before you do that. I hope your situations allows for that, because it will help you immensely if you can honor what you're feeling, retreat if you need to. I hope there are people in your life who will help you with things for a little while.

I also want to suggest a wonderful organization called Resolve. My husband and I joined it after I had 2 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. In the end, I decided I had had enough and did not want to go through IVF (my chances were very slim at that point anyway). We adopted our daughter 11 years ago and we are a very happy family of 3.

In case you haven't heard of Resolve, it's a resource for all things infertility. We went to a symposium hosted by the organization, took lots of little seminars that day, got lots of referrals. I wanted very much to talk to other women going through what I was going through and we found a support group run by a wonderful therapist. That helped me to heal, move on, get going with the path we chose, and get ready to be a mother in whatever way I could do it. I want to make it clear that no one urges you to go in any particular direction. It's merely a place to go to learn of what's out there to help you. Their web address is http://www.resolve.org

The cost to join was quite low and the therapist's fee for the support group was very reasonable. She had been through it all herself and was perfect for helping us go through our time.

I wish you all the best and I hope everything from here on goes smoothly for you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and I certainly have a lot of empathy for you as I have had a miscarriage, too. Lean on your family and friends. Take time off from work to grieve and get yourself back together. If you remember from your first, you still have those hormones coursing through you and it took me about 2 months before I was able to work through all the emotions.

What I didn't realize before my miscarriage is that almost 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. I was really astounded at that figure, but my doctor told me that these days women have the ability to find out almost almost immediately if they are pregnant. Before this "technology" women never realized they were pregnant in the first place before having a miscarriage. And for that matter, they never even knew they were miscarrying.

Anyway, so many friends and co-workers shared with me their stories of losing a baby afterward and I never knew how prevalent it was. I know this won't make you feel better per se, but I did feel quite a bit of support was out there.

Hang in there, ok? Wishing you much peace and comfort right now...

I see that alot of us have had miscarriages. The doctors thought I might have a lack of Progesterone, alos. I was put on a low dose of Clomid for my two oldest--now 18 and 14. My third was AFTER VASECTOMY! Life has many surprises for us. The losses were exhausting and real. Talking to others helped alot. Each pregnancy after that were stressful "waiting" for something to go wrong, but be positive. There are many doctors who can help you through this. I did end up going to the Dr. Rosen fertility group and they were great (Long Beach). Your own OB can let you know how he can help, too. Best of luck!

I also had two miscarriages. I don't think there is really much that makes us feel better. As much as it hurts, usually there is something wrong w/ the baby. And I think we all won't the opportunity to have a healthy baby. I am know pregnant for a 3rd time, and all is well. So hang in....there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I had three miscarriages and then had my now 3 1/2 year old beautiful girl. I believe they are very common. Unless you were really paying attention you might think an early miscarriage was just a late period so I believe they happen alot more often than most people think. My fertility specialist said she didn't really worry until three miscarriages. Although even after the third she still didn't seem too concerned. I had been given many of the basic tests and everything seemed fine. A few months later I got pregnant with my daughter and I could tell the pregnancy was much stronger right off the bat - higher HCG levels etc... The doctor put me on progesterone supplements and I took them faithfully although I think my daughter was just a strong pregnancy. The others had much lower levels of HCG from the beginning and then began to decline - they weren't meant to be.

I know how hard it is. You need some time to grieve and then somehow things do go back to normal. In a strange way, part of me was thankful I was at least able to get pregnant. I tried to stay hopeful. Hang in there!

I have had 4 miscarriages - none of them explained by any tests, though i had a bunch of them done. Your OBGYN will be able to make recommendations.
I also have 3 children, so just because you miscarry DOES NOT mean that you cannot carry a pregnancy to term.
Give yourself time to grieve. Join a group if you feel that will be helpful.
Take care of yourself.

Take heart, I'v had as many miscarriages as successful pregnancies and know of many woman with the same story. Up to half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage so its not that anything is wrong with you. Its particularly hard if you have not already had a child and you have to have anxiety about not experiencing motherhood at all. All I can say is that its hard until you get pregnant again and can refocus. Even so, its hard when your old due date rolls around. Try not to go down the road of dwelling in worse case scenarios. I hope it helps to know that many a mom has had 2 or 3 miscarriage and still ends up with 2 or 3 kids.

Dear L.,

Please don't despair. When there is a history of multiple miscarriages, it can be a sign of a hormonal imbalance, which can be rectified naturally. One of the best methods for enhancing a woman's ability to carry a child to term is Oriental Medicine (acupuncture plus custom-prescribed herbal formulas). This field has a loooonnnng history of successfully enhancing reproductive function. The main thing to remember is, if you've had more than one miscarriage, it's important not to "rush" into another pregnancy. Your body biologically needs time to restore itself. It's suggested that you wait at least 6 months, maybe longer depending on your age, while undergoing treatment. But do try this method before going the infertility route...it has a great track record that is acknowledged even by western biomedical studies. Best wishes!

I don't have any advice. I just want to say that I'm so sorry. I pray you'll have a successful pregnancy soon.

I'm sorry. Such a difficult thing to go through, I know. You are most definitely not alone. I don't think that most women realize just how common it is until it happens to them and they reach out to others. When I had a miscarriage last year, I had many people tell me how common it is, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. The earlier poster was right in saying that you need time to process your fellings and grieve, especially after the second time. Take some time for yourself. But don't lose heart or hope, keep trying. As hard as it is, it is very common to have a few misscarrys before a successful one. My aunt has 3 kids, she said it seemed like she had to lose one each time before she would have a successful one.

After my miscarriage the doctor told me that they will usually run tests after 3 or 4 in a row, and usually they still find nothing wrong. When you get pregnant, a good sign early on that it will be successful is when you get the early symptoms. Nausea, sore breasts, exhaustion, etc. It means that the hormone levels are increasing as they should. With the one I lost, I felt completely normal, with my current pregnancy, I really FELT pregnant right off the bat. Just something to think about, isn't necessarily always true for everyone.

Good Luck and stay strong.

Hi L.-

I had 3 miscarriages before I had my daughter and then one inbetween she and my son. My heart goes out to you and I am sorry.

Before my daughter's pregnancy, the Dr;'s did do some tests to make sure my tubes clear, and a ultrasound to look around, but they didn't see anything. For my son's pregnancy the Dr. gave me Progesterone suppositories and I do have my son. I'll never know if my son's pregnancy would have resulted in a miscarriage w/o it, but it was worth a try and look what I have now!

Good luck to you. Please email me if you have any questions.

Stephanie

I had three miscarriages before having our son. They finally decided that they were going to give me blood tests. I had 16 vials of blood taken for every test that they could possibly do. Found out that I had MTHFR, which is a clotting genetic disorder. If I were in your shoes, look at either getting some genetic testing or changing doctors to get a fresh perspective.

You need to seek out some type of therapy if you are still upset over the miscarriages. It is upsetting, but you cannot dwel on it if you want to have a successful pregnancy :) You have to reduce your stress - do that by getting some talk therapy... maybe through church pastor/priest.

Don't forget to keep practicing :D

Good luck ;) and God bless

I'm sorry for your losses. I've had 4 myself - 3 before my first child was born and another before my second child was born. There really isn't anything to say to make you feel better - you need to grieve and you need to feel whatever you want to feel. Time made the wounds scab over, but they are still there, even with two amazing, healthy children here.

As for testing, when were your miscarriages? If they were early, before a heartbeat, then I would suggest at a very minumum having a progesterone test - you're probably with an OB and OBs will order it for day 21 however that's only accurate if you ovulate on day 14. Otherwise, the test should be done at 7 days after ovulation. You'd be looking for a progesterone level of at least 10 to indicate pregnancy sustainability (getting them done while pg is helpful, but not diagnostic b/c low progesterone levels can be causative and/or symptomatic of a failing pregnancy).
There is a repeat pregnancy loss panel that is simple bloodwork - some OBs require 3 losses before testing, but it's worth asking about, especially if your progesterone levels are ok.
As I'm sure it's been noted, miscarriages are unfortunately very common. Even with my four and extensive testing, my official diagnosis by my RE was just bad luck. It does not make it any easier - please just surround yourself by supportive people (and it's ok if that's not your husband, sometimes they just don't get it) and give yourself time and freedom to feel everything that you do.

My heart goes out to you, L.. I don't have any magical advice to make you feel better. I just pray that one day you will be blessed enough to have the child you long for and the healing of the heart for the two you lost.
God Bless,
M.

My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and it was unexpected. The doctor told me it was nature's way of relieving this baby from a lifetime of pain. Apparently, most misscarriages are the result of the body eliminating a baby that probably would have had a lot of health issues. I since went on to deliver two very healthy boys. Stay strong and it will happen for you. Best wishes. :-)

I'm sorry for your losses. My cousin and my girlfriend and I all had a miscarriage due to low progesterone. All 3 of us started on progesterone right away when we got pregnant the next time. We now have 5 kids between us. My other girlfriend had 2 kids, then about 3 or 4 miscarriages then had her 3rd child. My other girlfriend tried for 13 years to get pregnant then "accidentally" got pregnant. She was not expecting it. So everyone is different. It could be that you are fine and the eggs just were not viable. It could be your hormones. Have your doctor run some tests. Maybe go for acupuncture to help. Take folic acid. And try to relax (I know it's hard) but that will help you too.

Good luck! Hope this helps.