How do you deal with a mother-inlaw that is a stepford wife/Grandma that never spends time with your children, let alone will she watch your children for anything??? I love her despite her silly idiosyncrosies, but my husband stays hurt most of the time. He was her first child and he was from a marriage that she won't talk about. Her husband adopted my husband when he was five and he is now 43. Either way, she watches her daughter's children or finds time for her little girls when the need arises, but she always makes excuses for not being able to watch ours. She has a schedule that she lives by, and it is by far more important than taking some time to be with her grandchildren. My husband and I hardly get out on our own, but we try. We have five year old twins and they are absolutely beautiful, frankly I think she can't handle it. I know that she tries to spend equally for all the grandchildren, but she only has 4 biological and two step. We have tried to book time with her a year in advance and to no avail... My children are unaware that she spends time with the other grandkids, but I'm sure they will know someday, because the other grandbabies are raised on NORDSTROMS....Sooo, get my point....I don't care where you spend money on my children or what you buy them, but show them all equal love. I don't know how to address it and I don't know how to take my husband's pain away...except to tell him to stand up for himself... Which he has, and her statement was all you want is a babysitter and she has only watched our children three times in five years.....so WHATEVER....Maybe she is embarrassed by their outgoing, precarious, child like behavior. One of them is very outgoing and the other one is shy....Oh well, I've dealt with it for seven years..but any suggestions would be helpful. They took the other grandchild to Disney World last year and were suppose to take ours this year, but of course because the shy demeanor of my niece prevented her from wanting to ride any rides and so they assume that it would be a waste to take my girls at five years old, so supposably they will get to go next year.......I HOPE SO, otherwise, I better start saving cause I'm not going to not let my children experience Disney World, waiting on GM. I don't understand favortism or any of that....Children are children and all of them deserve LOVE...especially from their grandparents. My oldes daughter is fixing to have a child and I'm going to travel to Florida to be with my first Grandbaby and I would CROSS the ocean for any of them with a valium and cocktail....Just because I'm afraid of flying, but for a babies Sake, I'd do it.......They are only little for a while......Thanks J.
First I would have the husband approach his mother & say how hurtful this is to oust your kids & maybe suggest granny take one child at a time even if it is to get ice cream or some easy errand. Kind of ease in to it but TRY.
well god bless you for trying. i have similar situations in my life and will someday have to explain to my son where his "other" grandpa is. anyway...i do understand. but it sounds like you all talk and have contact, she just doesn't want to watch the babies? i bet part of it is because they're twins. but it also sounds like she's so stuck in her rut (i mean, routine) that she doesn't want to put out the effort to change it. that's sad. i don't understand favoritism either, kids are kids, they're not like adults with their own agendas. it's really a pet peeve of mine - no child deserves to feel unloved, by anyone. anyway, i don't really have any good advice, but it might be worthwhile next time it comes up, to make sure she knows that your kids will be told when they ask (and make sure she understands, eventually they will), that grandma chooses to spend more time with their cousins, and buy them things. i'd let her know it will be totally put on her, even sending them to her to ask why she is so much nicer to the cousins. let her know you'll be honest with your kids, and maybe she'll be honest with herself and see how she's hurting them. favoritism is never okay.
J.,
I am in the same boat you are in. My son just turned 2 and he has 2 cousins that are 4 and 6. My inlaws take my brother in laws kids everyother weekend and half the time during the week. I realize that they need more attention because their parents are divorced, but my son is smart and will soon figure out that he spends a lot of time with my mom and not my husband's mom. My husband finally told her that she needed to be there for her youngest grandson the way she is for the other 2. She is doing a little better, but we will see. I hope it all works out for you and your family...
Man, that really stinks. I would probably just sit her down and lay it all out there- even if it's not the easiest/nicest thing to say. It's not fair to the grandchildren...which you already know!
Girl you've got a sense of humor! That flight medication is funny but we do what we have to do:-). As for GM...your husband need to be the one that let his Mom know what she's doing (showing differences) isn't right. If you two are just looking for a babysitter....then what is his sister/brother looking for when she keeps their kids? You know I have a situation like that & although my son's father passed away...his (that lady) doesn't even acknowledge my son BUT I told her "it's your loss & my son looks more like his father then any of the other boys". I also told her my son has a grandmother (my Mom) who loves & adore him & even if she wasn't here I wouldn't call upon you! Maybe I shouldn't have been one of the ones to respond to this situation because I feel as though their ALL her grandchildren good, bad or indifferent BUT there's NO excuse for making differences in them. IF, I were him I'd say..."you don't speak of my father, do you hate him that much that you have NO room to love in your heart for me & my children?" He may need to just pull away & STOP trying to get his mother to be the way she is/was toward his siblings & children. Pray about this situation & give it to God because HE can change anything...that's the most sound advice I can give...even in my anger. I wish you & your family the best & God Bless!
First--this is a situation your husband must address just as, were it your mother, it would be your place to address it, not his.
Second--The best first approach about the perceived inequity is to ask if there's an underlying reason that's within his/your power to change. Thereafter he may request a change of behavior and ask for a commitment on demonstration of that change of behavior. Respectfully request, not demand.
Third--one person cannot change another. If she doesn't want to change, she won't. Sooooo, let it go. Harboring resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die (not my words). Whatever's going on with her is hers; your responsibility is to behave in a loving manner toward her no matter what.
Easier said than done? Not if you commit to it.
From the pulpit / voice of experience of: C.
ok I feel for you my grandma was there for the first maby 5 years of my life but then my parents divorced and she took my dads side which was a problem due to the fact that she was my moms mom.. My mom and grandma fought rentlessley over time spent with my brother and I my mom put my brother and I in the middel. She used us as leverage to get her to do things.. As a adult I realize these things and have delt with the fact that she would rather spend time with my cousins that are 7 and 5 than me and her first great grandchild.. She only wants what works for her and her time.. I know the feeling the sad thing about it is that you or anyone else cant do anything about it.. I've tryed now for manny years to try to have a relationship with my grandma but only have come to the conclusion that that is not going to happen unless she want's it to.. I'm sorry for my lack of help but hopfully your parents or a close friend can fill the void that your inlaw wont..
