Hi Erin,
My husband and I have had a similar situation with our mothers buying so much for our 5 year old. And by this, I don't mean birthday or holiday gifts. I'm talking about sending gifts, bringing gifts every time they come to visit, or every time we visit them, or taking him to the store to pick something out. Seriously, we were going to have to build a new wing onto the house just to accomodate all the "stuff."
I do not subscribe to the notion that it is a grandparent's right to "spoil" a child with material things. With love, affection, time, and attention,----- absolutely YES, of course, grandparents should lavish their grandchildren with these! Giving a child attention and building a lifetime of wonderful memories mean more than any object.
I have had to talk with both grandmothers repeatedly and express to them that we want our son to grow up to value PEOPLE more than things; to appreciate what he does have and not always want more; and to be grateful and take good care of the things he does have.
I told them both that it would be more meaningful for them to PLAY with his toys with him; take him to the park; have a picnic lunch together outside; go for walks; make craft projects; bake cookies together; read him stories. These kinds of memories are some of the best I have of my grandparents, and I couldn't tell you what they bought me when I was five.
I also don't believe that my child should have to part with cherished toys that he still plays with just because grandma wants to buy him more stuff! My son really does love all of his toys and kind of has his own little system for rotating his play with them.
Recently, I had to make a "visual" statement: I purposely did not put toys in the closet or up on the higher shelves in the "office/playroom" when grandma was coming for a visit. (By the way, this room, a large master suite that used to have a king-sized bed, is where guests, including grandmothers, used to stay when they came for a visit. We had to remove the bed because the toys have taken up much of the room. The grandmas now stay in the "regular" bedrooms upstairs). I could see the look on grandma's face when she saw all of the many toys that filled the room, and I hope this impression also helped to convey what we were trying to say.
It is getting much better, and before visits, I gently remind the grandmothers that our son has everything he needs right now and that he just wants to have fun with grandma.
The bottom line is that you and your husband, as the parents, have to decide what values you want to instill in your children, and you have to be on the same page when sharing this information with the grandparents.
You and your husband have to sort out and define specifically what you find acceptable in terms of material gifts (i.e., under what circumstances will you allow material gifts---birthdays? holidays? milestones like graduations? etc.). Then, you have to talk with them about your decision. You may not be able to keep them from getting upset: remember, you can't control how other people feel. Just talk to them in a calm, rational way and express to them how you feel. Make a suggestion that rather than buying things, it would be much more meaningful to the children to DO things with them. Tell them how important it is for the children to have those precious experiences and memories of things they did with grandma and grandpa.
If you keep repeating the same message and providing opportunities for the grandparents to do things with the children, you have a better chance of
the grandparents seeing for themselves how much more rewarding it is to give of themselves rather than from their wallets.
Best to you and your family,
J. F.