Any suggestions on how to tell my 4 year old that her grandparents are divorcing? They live in another state, and my daughter will not miss my mother's ex at all (not my father, and my daughter has only seen him twice). BUT, my daughter will notice that "Grandtom" is missing, so I do have to tell her. My concern is that she has no concerns over the permanency of my marriage or the permanency of our family (we adopted her). My mother is leaving him because he is an alcoholic and emotionally abusive. She is moving to live near us, and my daughter has already asked if Grandtom is coming also.
My best guess right now is to tell her - Grandmom and Grandtom aren't going to live together anymore because Grandtom is not very nice to Grandmom. He doesn't act the way God wants a husband to act.
I certainly don't want to tell her anymore than I have to, though.
Any input?
Thanks.
Grandma is moving to live closer to us and Grandtom wanted to stay close to his family...Grandma lives here now and Grandtom lives in his house there.
I agree with the others. I don't think there's any reason to burden a 4 year old with this information. She has only seen this man twice. She may not even ask the next time she sees her Grandma. And I wouldn't bring it up if she doesn't. If she does ask I wouldn't volunteer a ton of info. You might even just say he's not visiting this time (which is the truth). When she's older you can fill her in if she continues to ask but I suspect she probably won't if she never hears you all talk about him. Out of sight out of mind.
I don't think everything needs to be shared with kids. It's our job to answer their questions to the level of their abilities while still remembering they are children and need to be shielded from some of the harsh realities of life.
IF she isn't that attached to him then i would wait until she asks. you said she never sees him much so wait until it comes up (maybe it never will) then just as you said say "He and Grandma didnt get along anymore so they went their separate ways" and leave it at that my sister wanted to have a big talk with her kids after her ex husbands second wife left but the kids(10,8,5) said "mom really she left so we dont have to worry about her anymore" Kids dont hold the stigma like adults do so let her feel like it isn't a big deal. if she thinks it is a big deal then she may start to worry about someone hurting grandma or you and her father divorcing. good luck!
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I think the way you stated it is perfect! There is nothing wrong with telling her that. Our 4 year old would understand it perfectly because we talk about God all the time and how hw wants us to behave and treat others.
I'm not sure she needs to know if she hasn't seen him that often. No reason to add drama to a 4 years olds life. I'm sure it will come up at some point, but it might be better to wait until after it is so raw for you.
My grandparents used to visit separately when I was little. So I can't say it's that big of an issue for Grandmom to be without Grandtom.
Hi A.!
I think that your explanation you gave is perfect. I think it is important that you tell her, though. I had an aunt and uncle get divorced when I was 3 or 4 and nothing was ever said to me. I just knew he wasn't around anymore and, for some odd reason, never asked. It wasn't until I was a teen and my mom mentioned him that I said, "I wondered what happened to him!" I think they felt I was so young that I wouldn't realize or remember him.
I don't think specific details are necessary and she probably won't ask. If she does just keep it simple. Be sure to tell her that GRANDMA is not leaving though. That she is a part of your family forever since she is your mom. She may ask about him repeatedly, and I would just keep answering the same. It may not mean she needs further explanation, she is just checking to see if the situation has changed.
If it comes up that she asks if your marriage is going to end, just reassure her. But I don't think I would bring it up unless she does. It may just add a problem/anxiety that she hadn't even thought of. As far a permanency of family for her, you are her parents and I don't think that she will think you will leave her. Just like your mom is still your mom, even out of state, you will always be her mommy.
I thnk that might be a little harsh... You really dont want her to be spitful or upset with grandtom jus because your mom does or you may thats not right to a child to have a attitude toward and adult. I don't believe in lieing either. I would just say grandma is moving to live closer to us and grandtom is not because they can't get along. Grandma will be here for her. That way ylour not lieing nor having her be upset toward him. As she gets older maybein another 5 years it may come up again and than maybe tell her more specific why. That happened with my family when i was about to quit work to stay home my baby sitter found out her husband was cheating on her and my sitter was my aunt. So completely have been there but my daughter was younger.
I see both sides of the equation here. Only you know if you think she will remember him/notice that he is gone. You could tell her before the next visit "Grandtom does not live with Grandma anymore and we won't be seeing him." Then take your cue from her. If she accepts just that, drop it. If she has questions, answer them as honestly as you can based on your beliefs and faith.
