My mom's distress is causing me to worry. I'm hoping someone can give me some advice. She shared with me her situation and told me not to tell my brother. She even hasn't said anything to her sisters or close friends.
My dad (65), when planning for his high school reunion, got in touch with another woman from his same school. Since then, this woman (apparently a widow who does well for herself), has been texting and flirting with my dad. My mom has seen these text messages. My dad tells my mom that it means nothing, but based on the messages, my mom can see the woman wants something MORE. My mom has told my dad to stop communicating with her and if this continues my mom was threatening divorce. I know my dad finds these texts flattering. He's been married to my mom for ~40 years, so this kind of makes things 'exciting' for him for all the wrong reasons.
About 25 years ago, my dad had an affair. The family was miserable, my mom was depressed and had suicidal thoughts. We all managed to get through this ordeal. This explains my mom's heightened sensitivity to the whole texting thing. My dad hasn't personally met up with the woman, but from the way my mom is describing everything, it is just a matter of time.
Even though I'm an adult, there's no "talking" to my dad about these issues. He's a stubborn man and has to figure it out for himself what he's doing is wrong. One good thing is that my dad doesn't plan to go to the reunion- but who knows? Maybe this woman may try to change his mind.
My mom was asking me if she thinks she should contact this woman. I told her I don't know. All I'm doing right now is praying that my dad will realize he's hurting my mom and that the 'coyote' (not a cougar b/c she isn't all that and she's trying to mess with a married man) will back off on the married man. Any advice is welcome!
Thank you all very much for your advice. My mom told me yesterday that she called the woman up and asked the woman what her intentions were with my dad. The woman apologized to my mom and said the intentions were only for my dad and her to be friends (yah - right- I saw the texts and e-mails, and clearly she wanted more).
Before my mom and dad made up, there was a big discussion and my dad realizes now that he was being an inconsiderate pig. He apologized to my mom and then he took me aside and apologized to me for his behavior.
Thank you all for your advice. I really felt so helpless. Even though you all are strangers, your answers and support really helped out!! ****Hugs to everyone****
Tell Mom to call the old bat and tell her to leave her husband alone! I would tell that women that he has the beginning of Alzheimer and his if she wants to clean his depends, brush his teeth in a glass and cut his food up he is all hers!!
I'd get my husband's phone and text the woman back when he was in the shower and tell him, "I find your communication with my husband extremely inappropriate. Please stop out of respect for HIM and our marriage of 40 years."
If he does see her at the reunion, he might find the fantasy was FAR better than the reality. It might be a good thing?
If the sexting doesn't stop, then your mom needs to figure out her self-worth and make some decisions.
HI JT,
Your mother has the right to do anything she wants to after living with him for 40 years. She can call her, text her or even go to her house as far as I think is appropriate. Has your Mom actually told your Dad that this hurts? I personally think it is childish for a man who has everything throwing it away for a little short term "feel good." I don't care how old he is.
Jennifer's idea is good. I recently did something similar. Someone my husband met on the job a few weeks ago kept texting him. I've had his phone since then (long story) and never answered until I saw that this was more than work. I called her and told her that if she had questions about the job to call her boss. My husband is too busy providing for his family to help her get started. She hasn't called/texted back. Some women just need a wake up call. Once she realizes that they actually have a life together she may not be interested. Some men, albeit sometimes innocent, can give the impression that their wife is not really in the picture.
You also have a right to get involved!
God bless,
M.
Considering the pain he put your Mom and family through 25 yrs ago, he's being an inconsiderate selfish old goat messing around like this now just to stroke his ego. Perhaps your Mom could text her back (using his phone) and start calling this woman by a lot of other womens names. She might back off if she thinks she's just one of a crowd of gals he's playing with.
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It is a fantasy for your Dad and that woman based on high school memories of youth waaayyyy long ago. How sad for them both.
Your mother needs to stand up for herself and not be a victim. You can help her do that. She ought to tell your Dad they she is going to text that woman some photos of the whole truth about your Dad. You know, the messy room, the expanded waistline, the receded hairline. Men (and women) can be such goofballs thinking they are in high school again. Don't they realize that 40 years of marriage to ANY woman would bring similar familiarity (routine) as with your mother.
There are two books that may help your mom. Loving What Is- by Byron Katie and Getting the Love You Want -(Imago) I can't remember the author of the second book. Both are available in audio format and really put a lot of things in perspective. The library probably has them. The first will help your mom get her own head in order, the second does a great job of explaining relationships and why we all do dopey things in our relationships.
Good luck, sweety and try to keep at arms length while being supportive. My mom and step dad (72 years old) are fussing and it's a tough spot to be in for everyone.
Sounds like mistrust is an issue with your mom. The more she makes of it to him the worse it will be. She needs to get busy doing something she enjoys and that will put a smile on her face. Husbands are always attracted to a happy wife. If she has told him that it hurts her regarding his texting, it is up to her to back it up. She can't control him. Maybe if she was not so jealous, he wouldn't feel the need to do it. Basically, she shouldn't threat. She just needs to make her point and leave it with him. She should trust his commitment to her. If she can't then maybe she should back up her words with action. You should not be involved in their issues. Your mom is a big girl and should be strong enough to do what she has to. The question is would she divorce him or is it just talk or a ploy to manipulate him. Men see right through this. Back it up or leave it alone. He has not done anything yet and there is no crime in speaking to an old friend unless it goes further, don't worry about it. I have a very attractive husband that knows how I feel and respects our commitment to each other. But if he were to stray, he knows he would be out in a flash! I am not worried. There is nothing I can do to change him so I don't try. He is who he is. She needs something else to keep her mind active. If she is happy and he sees her that way, his attraction to his wife may heighten.
I would definitely call the woman! Tell your mom that's the way to go. Then she can tell your father that she has spoken to her and that she demands the "nonsense" to stop or else divorce is on it's way! He's done this to her before, so enough is enough. It starts all innocent then turns into something he can't control. Your mom totally needs to take charge! Confront the woman and him! And if she doesn't get the results she wants she needs to do what is right for her. This is really hard on you because you are their daughter and you love them both. But be strong for your mom and help her. I don't think the call coming from you is appropriate. It's her marriage and you do not want your father to feel as though you are interfering in their business. Have your mom do it. Good Luck! Oh- and tell her to be firm, in control and throw being "polite" out the window. This woman doesn't have morals so she won't understand your mother's kind demeanor.
It's hard to get involved with your parent's life. I definately understand what I call "the Dad Blockade". The fact that you can't talk to your dad about these things. Your father did it once and may do it again but so far it may be an emotional affair like the one one of my ssters had and got caught by her husband. Same thing- the constant texting. Your mom needs to stand up for herself. The one to blame is your father. He's the one in the relationship with your mom and possibly is thinking about cheating. The coyote is just a woman, she could be any woman. Attacking her won't solve the problem. The problem is your dad. I hope this helps.
maybe your mom and dad can start sexting one another. (and not tell you about it.) then maybe your dad wold be fulfilled and your mom might have fun too.
And after she texts the woman, keep the phone, turn it off, and hide it. She may think he has agreed to break contact with her. Your mom can tell him that the phone disappeared somehow because it was being used to help destroy her feelings of trust and love for him. If he says he'll just get another phone, she can prewarn him that it might disappear too until this is over. She can tell him that she has told the family about her concerns and they are hoping that no one gets permanently hurt in this. Perhaps removing the tool will help him avoid his admiration fix. She can then decide if she needs to step up her admiration and flirtations with him and get away on a vacation for two. ??
