Grand Parent Absent

Its her loss. IF she wants to be a tool let her. She is the one missing out. Don't even try anymore.

You've tried and now you have to let it go. One thing I've learned over the years is that you can't change people. I have a 22-year-old and her grandma has never really been involved with her. (She has other grandchildren she dotes on.) At some point I just had to shrug my shoulders and move on. You can't continue to be sad over something you can't control. Enjoy your baby and your life and don't worry about her.

You have to let go. As a kid who was in this situation, My grandmother doted on my brother, would introduce him as her grandson, and me as "his sister!" you really will not be able to change grandma. However, my mother regrets letting me twist in the wind and endure it, and I wish she had put her foot down too. If grandma can't come see all the grand children and treat them equally, she can't come to your home to do it. You live there, and you have a say. Put your foot down, and if your boy friend wants to take his other children to see his Mom, he has to do it somewhere other than where your daughter lives. You cannot do anything to change the fact that someone rejected her in such a deeply hurtful way, but you can keep her from having to sit by and feel that helpless and rejection in her formative years. When she asks why, and she will, you should just tell her that it is Grandmas problem, not hers, and some people just don't have enough love for themselves to share it with more than a few people, and we should feel sorry for them. It won't make that hurt go away though.

Connect with your own family, and see if you can get her into a grandmotherly relationship with someone who adores her even when she is covered in jelly and cranky. If she never finds that, she will be OK, and will have a perspective that is maybe a little more critical in life, but also that understands deeply that we don't all get what we thing we are supposed to get in life, and when we do find happiness and love, it is that much more sweet and appreciated, because we know how precious it really is.

Incidentally, when my brother and I grew up, he had less than fuzzy feelings about our grandmother, because he knew that it was wrong, and he grew to resent her too. Grandma is going to loose what she holds so dear some day, all on her own. What a sad woman.

M.

Well, not sure but wondered are the two other kids from a marriage or a girlfriend? If the momma is old time and those children are from a marriage and you not being married to her son she may be having issues with that. Now, don't confuse me with her I said her. I have no issues if a person has children married or not. This is just a suggestion.

As far as her, herself you can't change her you have as it sounds reached out to her. It's doesn't sound like she's even willing to communicate her feelings as to why she is this way. You could figure she's not into little babies likes to deal with toddlers on up, maybe.

I know it's very painful when you want to help correct a problem in a relationship but can't find out what to correct to make it better. I understand you wanting to have a relationship with her so your daughter can get to know her grandmother. I'd give it a chance yet...sometimes people change with time. Always be kind and offer keep an open door for her to have to ever get a relationship going with your daughter...

However, don't all it to consume you nor your daughter you are also the person to help protect you daughter from hurt feelings as much as you can when she's so little. My advise just let her know she's welcome in your home and then let it go see what happens. It's really all you can do at this point, then be nice to you and your daughter keep other friends close to you.

I have had a better relationship with friends we made as our family since my husband and I have deceased parents. So my children will never know grandparents.

Best wishes

wow seems like a pretty ignorent person but let me cheer u up alittle bit. smile : ). let me tell you that it doesnt matter if grandma pays attention to your daughter or not. i mean honestly dont you feel she is missing out on your beautifull daughter if anything its her loss. also your daughter doesnt need love and attention from her because in your daughters eyes you are the most importaint thing in her life and she is content with your love alone. there will be a time when grandma will wana get close, lets hope its not too late for her. if i were you i would not be concerened. dont be angry or upset its not worth it. life is too short to worry about ignorent ppl

Dear C.,
I want to send you a hug and let you know that your daughter is so lucky to have a wonderful mommy like you! You are the most important person in her life right now, and as long as you love her like you do, that is what counts. Many children are not blessed with such a loving mother as you. If her grandma chooses not to have a relationship, the grandmom's loss.

As an aside, my mom is not in our lives. Thus, I make sure that my LO interacts with other people that love and hug him. Friends, neighbors, people in our neighborhood. Is it the same. No. But, it is making the best of the situation, and teaching him that we make lemonaide out of lemons in life. Yes. Does he get love. Yes.

HTH.
Jilly

Sounds like you've pretty much tried everything to get her involved. I doubt there is much more you can do on your end.
As for why she favors the other kids--maybe she's not a "baby" person? Do you think her issue is with you, and consequently, the baby too? Does she have issue with you living with her son unmarried and with a child? Hard to tell but you can't change people.
I know the hurt we feel about treatment of our children is magnified a zillion times. She's to little to even know she's "missing" anything. Hopefully this will be O. of those things that improves over time. Good luck!

C. I have a family that is like that myself. That is why throughtout my lifetime I found subsitutes for these things. Although once in awhile everyone in my family gets on the bandwagon and they are family oriented for awhile, for the most part we sort of drift in and out. My mother is now 78, never really was much of a mother and was a grandmother like your mom. She to this moment has been inreachable for a couple of weeks. We know she is okay, my sister talks to her. (the one with no children)> Mother never, ever babysat for my two children but lived close by. She came to a birthday party, maybe a football game once a year, but to this moment won't even come and sit and chat with me. Her husband works five minutes from here and he could drop her off. It really hurts sometimes, but I try to fill the void with other people. Never give up, that is your only family, but do not take it personally. They must not have something in themselves that allows them to love others or receive it. So sad. And my mom really missed so much of my children's lives. Your mom might still have a chance.

Situations always will arise around us and usually we don't have any control over them. I believe this is one of those times. What you can do though is step back into a more neutral place so the hurt and resentment etc don't own you. Harboring those feelings won't help you at all nor will it change anything with the grandmother. All the time trying to analyze the reasons behind the distance and the time spent in anger and hurt is time taken away from all the goodness you do have - not to mention how draining those negative emotions are. - And you never know - it may all take care of itself.

Hi C.,
It is sad for a mom to see someone ignore her precious child. Right now the child probably doesn't even know because she is getting lots of love from you. But I have a few thoughts-- her son is just your boyfriend--you are not married - maybe she does not expect this relationship to last and she would be ripped apart by having a relationship with her granddaughter and then having it ripped away it you split up. After all, her son has already had a relationship split up and she can only see her grandsons occasionally. (hopefully you were not apart of that split) What kind of relationship did you have with her before the baby was born? What kind of relationship does the mother/son have? Are you planning to get married and give your relationship some permanence and some greater legality? Maybe this would change the relationship, but it might not.
Good luck!

Your little girl is only 6 months old. So she won't care about her extended family at this point anyway, as long as she is loved by you and her father.

Do you live with your bf? Why are you and he not getting married? Maybe if you guys get married the grandma will pay attention to your child.

Lots of kids don't have a perfect grandparent situation, and they survive. My mother certainly was not the perfect, doting grandma, and my kids are fine. The most important thing you can do for your daughter is that you marry her dad and then stay with him. How about working on that and leave the grandma alone.

If that sounds judgmental let me say this: the term "boyfriend" implies temporary. A temporary dad is harmful to your daughter. Marriage can be temporary, but it definitely implies more commitment than boyfriend/girlfriend does.

I can very much relate to wht you are going through and I am so sorry to hear that. Growing up we had a grandma like that and my mom told her that until all were treated equal she couldn't see us. I was 7, and the next time I saw her, I was 29 and she was in a nursing home, and had no idea who she even was. She missed out on everything. So it is hard. Plus, I am married to my husband and we just had our second child. he has a son as well from a previous marriage. Since I had my daughter 2 1/2 years ago, I have seen the favoritism from my mil. She does a TON more and buys a lot more for the son. Though we all live just minutes from each other. She does take my daughter for the day, but no where near spends the money on her as she does on him. And to me, it's not a money thing, BUT when he is over there, he gets anything and everything he wants. he wants to go out and buy a toy they take him. My duaghter doesn't get anything. Since i had a grandma that did that to me, I see a lot more. I have told my husband about it, but he won't talk to his parents about it. I told him that if it continues to happen the kids, including his son won't be going over there.

Example this past week his son stayed there, since i just had my son during that time, and grandma bought him two $50 tractors. Now my duaghter has been over there for the weekend before, and goes about once a week, and she has NEVER gotten a new toy. But the tractors are roughly an every time thing that he gets something. Sometimes it is only a $20 tractor, but it still is something he is getting, and she is not.

you've tried, your bf has tried, time to let it go. you cannot make other people feel what they don't feel. stop pushing. it's a shame for the grandmother, but it's ultimately her choice.
khairete
S.

I just want to chime in and say I think you have done a great job trying to connect to your baby's grandma. You can't change her, that's for sure, but you have done a good job reaching out. The problem is with her. Be careful about rehearsing in your mind what either of you could do differently. You have to put your energies elsewhere. If you like to pray about things, I think your situation is a good one for prayer, but in the meantime, I'd suggest you accept that she is absent.

.

I don't have any real advice for you, just wanted to say I'm sorry you are going thru this. I went thru the same thing with my ex's mother. She just really never showed much interest in our kids and we lived close to them! My parents lived 450 miles away and actually saw my daughter more times in the first year she was born than the Grandma that lived in the same town! I have since moved back to my hometown and they have the loving Grandparent stucture I wanted them to have.

Hopefully she will come to her senses and realize what she is doing. Also, your daughter isn't old enough to ask for Grandma and want to see her yet. Maybe as she gets a little older and wants to see her, the Grandma will see that and have a change of heart.

GL and stay strong. You have done what you can to forge the relationship. Now it is up to her to decide if she wants it.