Going Through divorce...advice Needed

Hi A.,

When I went through my divorce I did not have kids at the time. However, I can tell you that living together will just complicate things. If he isn't willing to commit to the marriage, then you have no recourse but to get a divorce. It takes two to make a marriage.

Having him live at home will just make things worse. Divorce is ugly any way you look at it. Even when both parties agree divorce is the way to go, it gets ugly. It's the nature of the beast. Each party is trying to do their best for themselves, as it should be, and that leads to ugliness. Having him live at home is not a good idea.

I'm not sure how old your kids are, but you just be honest. You don't have to tell them that your husband cheated on you, but just be honest and say that you can no longer live as husband and wife, but you will always be mommy and daddy. Make sure they know it is not their fault.

As far as where your husband will go, that is not your problem. It is his problem. He should have thought about that before he checked out of the marriage.

I wish you the best hon.

I am in my second marriage and my first husband cheated on me as well. I remember the day I was moving out and he said to me that he didn't want me to move out but he was unwilling to let go of his girlfriend. I moved out and am living happily my husband and our two children (I didn't have any children with my first husband).

Your husband is using your children to live at home so he doesn't have to go find some place to live. He should have thought about all of this before he decided it was okay to sleep with other women. Basically he is a coward.

I am certain he can find a place to live. He is using you as a crutch and wants the best of both worlds. BE STRONG for you and your children. You will be the one to teach your children values and morales.

You are the one that said he doesn't want anything to do with you physically and emotionally. So think about that when he says he doesn't want a divorce and doesn't want to be away from the children. It is not up to you to explain to the children. He is the one that broke your marriage vows.

The only way to stick it out is to get help, a marriage counselor. If he is not willing to do that, you know he does not want to be married.

Only you can make the decision and know when the time is right. It isn't easy. I know.

I hope this has helped. Be strong for you and your children.

Peace and blessings,

M.

A., if his family was his priority, he would not be cheating. As hard as it may be, I would not allow him to stay. It gives the children false hope of a reconciliation. The consequences are a result of the choices he has made. Now he has to live with that. Good luck.

A.:
There is nothing more painful in a relationship than betrayal. I am sure you are hurt and rightfully so. However, before you commit to ending your marriage, you owe it to yourself and your children to exhaust all efforts to try to save it. My suggestion would be for you and your husband to try a separation period during which you seek counceling to deal with the betrayal in your marriage and what it will take to restore trust and maintain the relationship. If you belong to a church, consult your church leader. If you do not belong to a church look into a reputable marriage councelor in your area. You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel at this time, but belive me "this too shall pass". Do what you can to stay positive and make sure to take care of yourself/your health and your children through this.

Yes & kick him out, everyone wants their cake & to eat it too. By him staying it will be more confusing to the children & you, after you have taken care of the kids, homework, after school programs, yard, cleaned house, cooked dinner, done all the shopping & laundry, plus bills, and he will go to her bed, then back home to the guest bedroom or couch? LOL Don't look back later in life with regret, go with first instint, let it or him go. He can't have both. Married 4 times obviously Divorced 3 times, plaintive in all three Divorces, and never looked back, I did the right thing for myself & my children. Abusive, verbal, & physical. You can do this, and be glad you found out about the other woman, the longer an afair goes on without the spouse knowing, the worse the pain can be.

A. -

I am sorry to hear that it's come to this. You have to do what's best for you and your children.

I have to say that you should consult with an attorney. My ex and I seperated while living together in our marital home. Because it was a shared home that we both contributed to and we were both on the mortgage/lease/title (whatever your situation), you cannot kick him out. He has a legal right to live there as well. I have another friend going through the same thing with her husband now. I want to say my lawyer said we could file some sort of emergency motion to get a judge to kick him out, but if he's not violent or placing the kids in any danger, it probably won't happen. And yes, if you know you're heading for a divorce you will want to file first. It'll make things so much easier.

My daughter was 3 when we seperated. She had a lot of questions. I answered them as simply as possible. We were gone from the home when he moved out and before we went back home, I simply said that we had decided to not live together any more but that we both still loved her and she would still see us both. Each time she asked me a question, i would try to turn it around to get her feeling on it before giving her an answer she wasn't ready to understand. She's now 5. Her dad is 2 hrs away and has no contact with her other than her biweekly visits. I think the distance is the biggest issue we have now.

I wish you all the best, whichever road you decide to travel down.

J.