Going Back to Work - Fallon,NV

I remember I had to work the first year my daughter was born. My mother and mother in law watched her so I knew she was in good hands. It was hard to leave her, but I felt like my work day went quickly because I kept myself busy, and I was so excited to go home to see her. Then when I got home I had a great little routine with her. It was actually so nice and I was 100% in the moment. I stay home now and you would think that it would be the same way, but it's not. I am the one who gets everything done around the house and you can only put "house stuff" off for so long.
It's not easy to leave you little one, but it all works out. You'll see.

Hi L.,
don't listen to all these people who provided you no coping tips, but encouraged you instead to find a different job, a closer job, a different house, a way to stay at home blah blah blah. Fact is, here is your situation NOW, and you are asking for some tips to deal with it.

You can do it :) I am a working mom too, it is hard going back at first. But if you enjoy your job and trust your baby's caretakers, you'll get through it. It really helps knowing your baby is in good hands and will be getting some quality bonding time with other members of the family (in your case daddy, in my case either of her grandmas). I also work in education. So be glad for the slightly shorter hours than those in the corporate world, and guaranteed every holiday off.

Your commute is long, which is a big bummer. I hope you don't have traffic. I live only 26 miles from my job, but the traffic on the way home makes it sometimes an hour drive. I would encourage doing all you can to avoid traffic. Perhaps leave very early, do all your prep work before school, and then bail out as soon as your contract allows (usually 30 minutes after final bell I think?) This is another plus of working in a school- they end relatively early so there are plenty of waking hours left for your family. I never used to be the first one out of the parking lot... but you can bet I am now, and I have no guilt or embarrassment about it because I know I've put in a productive day... and I have to get to my "real" job at home.

I really enjoy the evening routine with my daughter, that is a lot of quality time you can pack into few hours (with a newborn, it will slowly develop, but eventually you'll be doing stories and all that. We even take an evening walk together as part of the routine.) And there's nothing wrong with keeping your baby up a little later to have more time with her. As long as you aren't making yourself so exhausted that hubby get's shorted.

I honestly don't feel like I miss that much with my daughter. If, when you are present, you give 100% to your baby, you will always be #1 in her eyes. My daughter is still a major mama's girl, even though she spends the days with her grandmas... when we are all together (like for the recent holiday celebrations) she still hangs on to me, wants to sit with me, wants me to do everything for her etc. I mention this because that was one of my worries, that my place would be usurped by the grandmas who are with her all day... it hasn't happened at all. My daughter is 2 1/2 now and it is clear that no matter what, no one replaces mommy.

And then you just count the days till weekends, holidays, spring break, summer... :) You may even find yourself enjoying the adult conversation and lunches with your colleagues. Like someone else said, just make that time at work worth it, put your all into your job and be proud that you can be the wage earner for your family and help so many kids (your students) beside your own. Don't feel like you are shorting your own kid at all- you aren't. She (he? you didn't say) will be just fine! It's not the quantity of time you spend with your kid, but the quality (obviously not talking about a parent who shows up twice a year to take their kid to disneyland). I really just mean it shouldn't inhibit your relationship with your child at all. I speak from experience :)

My best advice would be to focus on the positive. You were able to stay at home for a period of time (you didn't specify how long)to bond with the baby. That is a blessing. Everyone cannot afford to do that. Your husband will be home with the baby when you go to work so you don't have to take the baby to daycare or any other stranger. That is a blessing. It seems as though you work so far away because you couldn't get a job closer, but that may change over time so the 60 mile commute will not last forever. And it sounds like you are truly talented. You have the mind and the heart and the patience to teach children with special needs. They need you and their parents (I'm certain) are grateful. Besides, your child will be well taken care of while you are out making a living to support your family. Also, your husband is in school, which means once her begins working in his chosen profession, you may be able to quit your job while you wait for a job closer to home (if that doesn't happen sooner, rather than later). Just focus on the blessings in your life. A healthy baby who has a loving father to take care of him and a rewarding career. You can do it and everything will be fine. Good luck to you and God bless.

Our society is so messed up. Why on earth should you have to leave your infant? There is nothing in nature to mimic it -- mothers leave to forage for food, but otherwise they stay with their infants, nurse their infants and teach their children until they are ready to go out into the world and be on their own. I started working outside of the home part time and my daughter is 2 and even so, I dread the hours I have to be away from her. And, yes, it's Daddy who is with her while I am away, but still I want to be the one who is with her. Soon enough she will be snatched away by school and even her own desire to do things without me. Right now, we are so connected. I don't have any coping suggestions, just wanted to rant and commiserate. For me, I sort of break myself into two people. When I am at home, I am Mommy. When I am at work I put on a smile and I do my job well, because I have to and because I need to, but it feels wrong each and every time I leave her.

How I coped with it and how I still cope with it is stay busy! It helps me keep my mind off of her and the guilt! And in the future....if you can work closer!

Ya know, I'm a more "speak how it really is person". You had a lot of "think posiitive" emails. That's all well and good. You also had an email "don't do it". Obviously you wouldn't be commutting 60 miles if you didn't have to financially. I'll tell you how it is. Its really tough at first. I think I cried every day for the first 2 weeks. My baby was 3.5 months old and had to go to daycare. So you have a HUGE blessing in having your husband at home with baby. You don't have to shelp to daycare in the morning and evening and can just drive away from your home knowing your child is home with daddy and safe. I hope he is a very patient person and good with baby! The transition will get "easier" with time. My baby is a little over 2 years old and I still struggle with this every day. But knowing that this is what you have to do (help support the family) helps with doing it every day. Working part time would be ideal! I'm work full time and also have a pretty long commute. Its really hard and I don't know what makes it easier. Good luck to you! stay strong....

What my mom always said was that it's not the quantity of time you spend with your kids, it's the quality. Also, think about the fact that you are providing for your son. You have to work to put a roof over his head, feed and cloth him. You're doing a good thing! Good luck!

I remember that well. I worked while my husband stayed home. It was what we agreed to. I had a teaching degree and wanted to teach so he quit his job and stayed home. I thought it was perfect. UNTIL I HAD TO LEAVE MY BABY! Sure my hubby was going to be home with her, sure he would give her all the loving, but it wouldn’t be me. It’s not the mama! But I didn’t know what else to do. So I went off to work.

I would call home at every break and have my husband put the phone to her ear so I could sing my little song to her, “I love you, you love me we’re a happy family, with daddy, mommy, Baby and little Rydel too, you love us and we love you.” (yes it’s from Barney!) I’d tell her that I love her and I’d go back to my classes. I tried to fool myself into thinking that was fine and that it was enough for both of us, but I knew I was lying to myself.

And then baby number 2 came along…and the same thing. Hubby was home and I had to go to work. I HATED IT! I loved my job but truthfully I was spending more time with other people’s children than my own. Did I mention how much I HATED IT! I even began to resent my husband who got to stay home…even though I had mad ethe choice to go back to work.

So I started looking for an alternative. And NO sending my husband to work was not an alternative, then he would be feeling like me and I wouldn’t do that to him. I started dabbling in some home based businesses – “come sell children’s books” they said, “you’ll make that extra money you need” Extra money is NOT what I needed, replacing my teaching salary is what I needed! So I went from kids books to Tupperware to adult toys and everything in between. I kept looking for that one business that was truly a business so that I could quit teaching and work full time from home. Oh sure I made a few extra bucks but I had to work really hard for them. If I didn’t do a party, I didn’t make any money. There was no residual income, sell something make something, sell nothing, make nothing. YUCK! What I did not want was more work!

Finally 4 years ago I found my answer. It started as “using a great product”, getting great results and people asking me about it. Now here we are, BOTH my husband and I work from home. We set our own hours and we travel whenever we want (yes with the kids). 2 years ago I pulled them from school for the entire YEAR and we traveled all over North America and really brought our family back together. We love what we do now.

Here is what I know. Your children are only young once. You will never look back and wish you had worked more.

Decide what you want and then get some help to get it. DO NOT let another day go by without at least checking out your options. L., this is your child, your family, your life. You get to live it on your terms. If this is not the life you signed up for, change it.

B.
Family Success Coach

Yes. Do what I did and find something in Direct Sales that is your passion, that you will love, and slowly (or quickly) implement your own business from the home. You work for yourself, your hours are flexible and you work when you want, tremendous tax write-offs, give yourself a raise when you need/want it. I have had several people on my team be able to cut back on their hours at work and even quit their other jobs. The most important thing is for you to be able to be and bond with your baby and if you have the opportunity to do that...

I have my own business and I am partnered with Sensaria Natural Bodycare, a natural-based skin, bath, and body care company that the whole family can and should use. I share with everyone, mainly women, how to enjoy our products and get great results and I can never get fired or laid off.

There is a one-year guarantee on everything and Sensaria will take care of returns, if there are any.

www.sensaria.com/J.

Hang in there. I was there a year ago and it's tough,
but you can do it! Give yourself time to get
used to it and just spend weekends how you
want to. Good luck. You're not alone.

Well, it's good news that your husband can be with the baby during the day. Nice bonding time for them and you don't have to worry about child care.

Yes, it will be difficult. Knowing that, take it easy on yourself. Take pictures with you. I used to look at a slideshow of photos up on our website during my pumping sessions. I'm not sure if you will have access to a computer during your workday, but have pictures in frames, on your phone, anywhere you can get a glance.

You may find yourself having trouble focusing on work, and realize that it's normal. It's really tough to get used to being away from your baby, but it will get better. You will make it.

take this opportunity to make the most of each moment that you are with your baby, really be there. Then you won't feel like you are missing out so much when you are not.

also do what you need to do to take care of yourself, because it's exhausting being a working mom. Things will get easier.

Best of luck to you and your family. May you all find the strength you need.

Dear L.,
I don't mean to sound uncaring, but working sixty miles away? I have ALWAYS worked near home, children's school. I have done without... as in an extra bathroom and bedroom, even a dishwasher. I decided not to put material amenities ahead of my kids. I don't know your full story, but I too have friends who have worked long distances from their big beautiful homes and sacrificed being with the MOST important things in life. I have felt when my office was sending people out to cover the offices/courts that to take mileage over senority was not an option for me. Yes, I chose to live within three miles of my work not to be sent downtown, but to be close to work so my kids can make baseball practices and play dates and the occasional school activities that I have ALWAYS been a part of. Head of committees for the festivals, room parent, being able to chat with the teachers before school and the class parties. You've got to ask yourself what's more important? The extra bedroom? Or being with my kids and get your priorities in order. Yes, I even rented for WAY TOO MANY YEARS when I know I could have afforded a house 30 miles away. Yes, even 30 miles was too far. But I do know that circumstances are different for different people, BUT 60 MILES AWAY? Even without a baby that is way toooooo far to commute. Even when you get home from driving do you think you're going to have time or energy to spend with the baby? It was just not an option for me. I wish you luck and hope that another job will come your way that's close to home.

Is there anyway you can return on a part-time/reduced hour basis for a few weeks? Can you telecommute one day per week? If not, create a special routine with your baby each morning/night. Something that only you do with him. When I returned to work, I sang a special song to my son every morning and every night. At first, he did not respond. But now...he LOVES the song and laughs every time I sing it!

Best of luck!

I felt exactly the same way when I went back to work when my son was 3 months old. I won't lie to you - it is hard at first, really hard. I cried and felt like dirt - horrible, helpless, selfish...you name it.

However, it REALLY honestly does get better. My son is nearly 1 now and I can honestly say that I do not mind going to work anymore. Sometimes I even enjoy it - there is definitely something to be said for getting out of the house and having a normal adult life. I NEVER thought I would feel this way in the beginning...but it really does get easier.

I agree, in principle, with everybody here who said "focus on the positive". I tried to do that, but even that was hard...you just want to be with your baby and you feel awful that you can't be.

Honestly - do your best not to beat yourself up and I PROMISE that it will get easier with time. Your baby will know you and love you no matter what.

Feel free to send me a message anytime if you want to vent - it is so helpful to talk to others who have been there.

I'm sorry you have to face this transition...but it will be ok. Promise.

Don't do it. Your child will be much more stable in the long run. If need be get a job closer.

Hi L.,
I cried at first too but it got better. My son was home with my husband most days but we also put him in daycare for the days my husband had to work. The goods news was that my daycare providers were best friends and neighbors of a good friend of mine so I didn't have to worry. My son is 7 and they still babysit for him. That being said, it will be hard on you at first and you'll feel guilty but your baby will be fine with Dad and you can make the most of the your time at home. The baby may make you feel guilty too as he gets older and starts to talk but that doesn't mean that the baby isn't ok without you. I had to go back to work to support my family so I had no choice. My husband and son had a great time together - in some ways my husband is a better "mother" than I am - he cooks, shops, does play dates - all things that I'm not that good at. When I get home at night, my full attention goes to my son until he goes to bed (which we made a little later so I could spend time with him) and I give him my full attention on the weekends. My son still asks when I will stop working - even though he's in school all day and activities after - and I explain that I have to work so we can have a nice house and take him to all his activities and on special vacations.

You'll be ok. You have to do what's best for your family and if going back to work is best then you do it. Maybe in the future you can stop working but for now just make the best of the time you are with your son and try not to feel bad about your decisions.

Good luck! I hope this helps.

Hi L.,

It's all in the attitude. If you dread going back, it will be awful and you'll resent all the time away, life will be miserable, etc. But, if you decide that this is what needs to be done (for whatever your reasons are) and that you might as well enjoy your time at work, you will.

Sounds simplistic, I know, but I've seen the truth of it in the 15 years I've been a working mom. Those who really want to be home would make themselves miserable and those who didn't mind the work or wanted to work, made it work for themselves and their families.

I never aspired to be an SAHM. Here are some things that helped me...

1) I started the transition back to work a week or two, sometimes a month early. I would spend time away from my kids in increasing increments, so everyone got used to it.

2) I established workable routines and stuck to them. This made mornings and evenings as low stress as possible and gave me the most time for just enjoying my kids.

3) I made sure that when I was with my kids, I was WITH them. My focus was on them, not the laundry, the dusting, the cooking, etc. My husband and I found a handful of 30 minute, start to table, dinners and decided we could live with a house that was always a little messy so we could maximize our time together.

4) I refused to give in to guilt, melodrama or regrets. I was living the life I chose and I was happy with my choices. Since I was happy, everyone was happy.

Last but not least, I would strongly encourage you to realize and accept that your husband may do his "parent gig" differently than you. That doesn't make it wrong! Stay focused on the important things: is baby getting enough food, enough sleep, changed regularly? If the answer is yes, don't sweat the small stuff. Since your husband is the one at home, he needs to make it work for him and the baby, not you. I share this only because I've seen many of my friends wind up in marital counseling or divorced because dad's parenting style was not what mom could handle while she was at work. At no time were the children neglected or abused, but since it wasn't "mama's way," my friends flipped. Some healthy discussion on parenting philosophy and how to execute that philosophy would be wise (if you haven't already done so).

Whatever you choose to do, do so wholeheartedly. Good luck.

REALLY focus on the positive . . . a husband, a baby, AND a job!! You have so much!! There is nothing wrong with truly enjoying and embracing a full life. I smile everytime I find a lost diaper in my briefcase!! You and your baby will be fine!!

I had a baby on October 27th and I have to go back to work on January 4th too! I am not looking forward to leaving my baby either! If I have any great tips on how to cope I will let you know. Please let me know if you find out any either! :-) Good luck and just know a lot of peolpe are in our same situation.

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