I really am at a loss with this one...
My son's father was totally involved for a while (seeing him a few times a week, checking in on him every day, ect.) then disappeared for almost 2 months. He would answer my calls/texts, and always said "I wanna see him" but wouldn't follow through. So finally today I picked up some gear that I left at his house for when my son and I visited (walker, play yard) and his mom was there. She invited me and my son to the cookout she is having for my son's father's birthday. I gave her a sideways answer like "I'll have to see what's going on." Because I'm not sure what to do. Before I left, my son's father mentioned that it would be really nice to see us on Saturday and hoped I would "let him back into his life."
A little backstory... getting pregnant was a complete oops, he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy. The first time he saw my son was when I was working to get child support. He has not paid support yet, but just got a new job where it will be taken out of his check. I have never said he couldn't see his son, I told him that it would be 100% or nothing.
Before I left his house, I told him that if I decided to give him another chance it would be his last. When he is around my son he is attentive, helpful and you can see that he really does care for him. I am leaning towards going to the cookout for a couple hours, just to be nice, and letting him know that the ball is in his court from now on. I work and go to school full-time, so I don't have time to force him to be part of his son's life. Nor should I have to force him. I know that if he wants to be, he will. Does this sound like a good idea? Or should I go about it a different way?
ADD: My son is 7.5 months. His father and I were not married and never lived together, so according to Florida law, I have final say in what happens in my son's life. I don't want to cut his father off completely unless their relationship (or lack there of) starts hurting my son. I went though having a father that was barely even the "holiday/disney" dad like someone mentioned and I will do everything in my power not to repeat that for my son.
Thanks everyone! So I did go, and it ended up being a surprise because his father never got my text message saying I was coming for sure. Everyone was really appreciative and excited except his girlfriend, who said she wasn't coming because I was there and when she did finally arrive, she sat by herself most of the time. What I did find... not really funny, but more 'Ha! You see what happens?'... my son kept his eyes on me the whole time. I went to make his lunch and he screamed the whole time. Same thing when I went to get my bathing suit on while his father changed him. It made me feel good in a way. I told his father that the ball was totally in his court now. Told his grandmother that too. So we'll see what happens, but I have a feeling its going to be another 2 months, unfortunately. Just because he turned 30 doesn't mean he's grown. Thanks again Mamas!
I think you should accept the invitation but take some time to talk to bio dad about the disappearing act. Let him know it cant happen again that if he wants to be a dad this is a lifetime commitment and that you will be taking it slow for the first little while.
I think it is always good to maintain a relationship with the child's father, unless he is very abusive of course. Obviously, not dating wise, but it is good for a bond to be made between father and child. Even if the relationship is spotty, it can become great in adulthood, or may eventually flourish earlier than that. Just raise your child without having too high of expectations of dad and be casual about it.
I have a friend who had an absent father, and now that he is an adult, they have a wonderful relationship now and he is a great grandpa. That wouldn't have happened had the mother cut him off in the child's life, even though he was a crappy dad back then.
I think you may have missed the point of the invitation, I think maybe the Grandma wanted to spend time with you and your son. I totally understand your hesitation with the bio dad. He is either a real part of his son's life or not. He can't be wishy-washy, time to grow up and be a dad. But the grandma should also be able to see her grandson, if she is willing to invite you and him over be gracious and accept, you might actually become friends.
Do what is best for your son. Go with your blink (your gut on what the best thing to do is). You are 100% accurate when you mention that you can't force his dad to be a part of his life. All you can do is support the relationship and be there for your son. Sounds like your son is a baby since he has a walker etc.. so, just do what you feel is best for your son. Were you married? Do you have a decree? I assume not with what you said. I have had to take notes to protect myself. My ex husband has the right to see our daughters the 1st, 3rd and 5th wknd of every month as well as every Thursday. None of which he takes advantage of. He is a "holiday/disney dad" where he sees the kids on holidays and buys them things. It is sad. My heart hurts for my kids and I honestly feel bad for my ex that he has made this decision as well. Just always be 100% supportive to your son and never talk bad about his dad to him. He will figure it out on his own as he grows up. Good luck! You sound like a very caring mom..
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I would at least make a short appearance but have an excuse ready if you feel the need to depart. Be sure that you tell your son's father (and your son's grandparents) that you are glad they invited you and your son to visit and hope they will continue to have a relationship with their son/grandson. Remind them that you work and attend school so you are not necessarily able to come to them all the time but they have your contact info and are more than welcome to be a regular part of his life.
I think it is really important for dads to be involved in their kid's lives. If they are not abusive it can only benefit the child to have relationships with both parents. Florida sounds like it might be different but in California I did not ask or expect any child support. In MY situation he did not ask to be a father and has been a super influence to my daughter as well as his entire family (we adopted my biological neice at birth, divorced at 4 years old, she is 17 now). If I ever receive money, it's a bonus for my daughter. I'm not exactly sure but I guess that I make 40K more per year than he does. My daughter loves her dad and I will always promote that relationship, it will continue to benefit her and allow her to make balanced decisions.
i would go and see what happens. my mom never got child support for her 4 kids, and my dad never asked to see us. we were lucky if we got to see him on holidays. he basically saw us just whenever he got a hair up his you know. anyway, i agree never to say negative things to your son, and if the baby's dad wants to see him, let him, but don't force it or tell him no. he could always come back and try to get rights to him later if you don't agree to let him see him. i'm in fl too, and i worked in family law, so it is possible.
I think it's a good idea to go. Even is your son's father isn't 100% dependable, he still has other family members that relationships with are important.
You weren't married and didn't live together so dad might not have come full circle with what being a father means.
I think you should let him be with the baby and around him and also let him know that he shouldn't make promises he can't keep as far as scheduling time or providing support or being involved. It's not fair to the child to do that.
It sounds like you and the baby have been embraced by dad's mother and I think that's a relationship you should continue to foster regardless of what dad does or doesn't do.
Go to the party, have a good time, don't turn a happy party into an argument over parental rights or anything.
Your baby isn't even a year old. You have a lot to work out with dad and no doubt things will change over the years as your son gets older. Keeping things civil from the beginning will be a benefit to your son.
Best wishes.
