Giving and Receiving

Don't take it personally. Just understand that parents have limits on time and money, and usually only gift those people that they know personally and have regular interactions with. We only gift the elementary classroom teacher and the music teacher (who also gives my kids extra voice) because of time and money constraints and because these are the people I have the most interaction with. I am a sub, and I spent the day watching the regular teacher and TA getting piles of gifts today and I only got one card.

I would suggest to you that instead of making up all these gifts for everyone you kids interact with you just send in a tray of goodies for the staff room. They will probably be appreciated more.

Hi thtere -
I live in Bothell too....I wonder if you are at my children's school?!
If you ARE in certain schools I can see why you may not get "thank you" gifts from people.
#1 - Funds.
#2 - Time
#3 - You are forgotten
I understand what you are saying, I really do. BUT, today was the last day before break and I didn't send anything in with my children for their teachers. Why? I can barely do Christmas for my family let alone add anyone into the mix. And if someone were to look at us from the outside they probably wouldn't think that. But we do struggle. Daily.
You outlined how busy you are and then let us all know that you are still able to make 1,000 cookies for everyone whose life you touch. While it's admirable, it's not my love language at ALL. I would never think to do that. Most people are probably astonished! I truly do not have the time to do that, not even for my loved ones. I am in school full time, have 3 kids, and I am busy.
When I say "forgotten" I don't mean it like no one remembers. But like you are not the main teacher. Therefore, people probably don't think of you as a teacher but more as a helper.
BUT, I want you to know that what you do DOES make a difference and is helpful.
So, pat on the back for you! Good job.
L.

I do (and have done for YEARS with my kiddos) much of the kind of giving that you do...especially for my special needs child. I do it because I WANT to, and I truly do appreciate all teachers/specialists/bus drivers etc DO/have done for my kids. I never do it with the expectation that anyone will reciprocate!

I have subbed for a number of years, and volunteered in classrooms for a great many more years before that! My reward has been in the smiles of the kiddos I know I have helped in some small way.

I suggest that you treat YOURSELF to something! A pedi/mani, a lunch out, a new haircut...whatever! You are worthy of it! Do not place your happiness in the hands of others. You are in charge of your own happiness!

Merry merry!

I'm sure you are a wonderful teacher, and it's so nice of you to recognize so many others. But your expectations are too high. I think my kids teachers are great, but I do not have the time to do what you do. It's not a reflection on them, but on me.

I'm a reading teacher. I rarely get gifts and I'm fine with that. It may come from the fact that for most of my teaching career I have taught in schools with lots of low income students. Their families just don't have the financial ability to give. I have also had a lot of students who do not celebrate Christmas. I once in awhile get little gifts or notes from teachers and parents. But it isn't something that I expect. And sometimes I even feel a little embarrassed when a family gives me a gift. Since I've been a reading specialist, I can probably count on one hand the number of gifts I've been given. And the gifts that I can think of have come from students who are from cultures that have a much higher respect for teachers than our American culture has.

I rarely keep things that I get, mainly because I just don't have space in my house for things. We already have enough extra treats around the house at this time of year. I might sound ungrateful to some, but I really would rather just get a thank you note from families.

I also know that I see students for a very short time compared to the amount of time the classroom teacher spends with them. The students that I work with may not work with me for very long. Some students only work with me for a month or two until things click for them. Sometimes I don't think parents even realize that I work with their student.

I used to give a lot to people. Now I don't. I just don't have the time or the money. Maybe instead of giving individual treat bags to everyone you can just bring in a big tray of treats to the lounge. Many people feel put on the spot when they are given an unexpected gift. They feel bad that they don't have something to give in return.

It isn't bad for you to feel the way that you do. But, your expectations of others might be a little high. It took me awhile to realize that in a lot of ways being a teacher, especially a special areas teacher, can be a thankless job. Being recognized and praised for the job you do doesn't happen much. I started putting more emphasis on what the kids give me than what parents or colleagues give me. Hearing former students yell hi to me down the hall, hugs from kids, excitement in their faces when something clicks, having students that I don't work with begging to get a turn to come and read with me--those are my rewards. It isn't the parents or my colleagues that I'm working for. I'm working for the kids and they show me in little, sometimes insignificant ways that I'm doing a good job. It's a little bit like noticing the small ladybug crawling on the rose bush. It is just as amazing, but a little sweeter because it isn't obvious.

The feelings you have right now are the reason I always gave little gifts to the "specials" teachers as well as the regular teacher. In my own opinion teachers of specials often have a harder time with the kids than regular teachers. They have not 1 class but loads of them. during the year they have at some time or another all the kids in the school. special ed teachers have a special place in my heart as they worked with my adhd son. I would not give out to all those people and the kids. And don't say anything to the teachers at school it will just make them uncomfortable. Teach your children to be givers. It will eventually come back to you. I am not in your classroom but I can tell you that I appreciate teachers like you.

You know, I'm so sorry. I see what you're saying. Only because I just
now this past week have realized/seen 2 people that have not been
introduced as their special titles.
Your email is a little reminder for me.
It's kind of like when you hang your "shingle" out, you know what person's
title is "teacher, lawyer, nurse" etc.
I have been seeing 2 ladies consistently at school. No idea what they do
but I have figured out they work there.
You've given me the nudge I needed to actually find out what they do &
thank them.

Now, for your case. Just know that everyone really appreciates what goes into their child's school. They are just busy (physically & in their
heads) and wrapped up in their own crazy lives.

So thank you for helping our kids, taking an active interest in them and
for all you do. Thank you. May you have a wonderful holiday!!!

No one thinks of you during teacher appreciation week?
Not fitting in or being able to read social cues has nothing to do with being an only child.
There's nothing magical about having a sibling sit on your head (or the rest of you) that helps you figure out these things.
If you do all these things because it makes you feel good - that's great!
But if you do them to win approval, to fill an empty spot inside, to 'prove' something to anyone - well trying to always be a people please-er IS a pretty thankless job.
There's no making everyone happy.

Personally - I could not do what you do.
I don't have it in me to work with kids.
And you must have boatloads of patience - certainly more than what I have.
That makes me respect you in ways you wouldn't believe.

THANK YOU for all your hard work!

Now go treat yourself to a little something special and BELIEVE that you DESERVE it!

"This time of year (as well as the end of the school year) always seems to make my heart heavy with disappointment, and I know it shouldn't do so. Thank you in advance!"

Oh man! You sound like someone who LOVES to receive gifts. There is a book called the 5 LOVE LANGUAGES and this is one of the love languages.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com

- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch

I scored a zero on Receiving Gifts. If someone forgets my birthday, I really don't care. But I LOVE hearing positive feedback on a job well done.

I am so sorry. Parents are so busy and we tend to forget everyone besides the main teacher. There are always hard-working, nice people all around the schools, but it's not possible for parents to remember ALL of them.

There is an amazing Science Teacher at our school and I just missed her birthday. I was thinking of getting the kids to write notes of why they love her class so much. Her bday was 2 weeks ago and I'll have to wait till January to get this done. I really want to do it because I think it will be nice for her. But I guarantee you that everyone else is so busy (including me!) I might not even get to it!

Wow thank your for this post. I hope it reminds us to remember all of the people who help our children grow. I imagine your job is much like being a mother. What you do is always done, and our children, husbands often dont even realize the effort we put in, certainly the gratitude is not always forthcoming. But...we do it for the love our our family. So while so many may take you for granted, let me say THANK YOU for all of us for the work you do, from the bottom of my heart!

sounds like your well is running dry. it's a hazard when you're a no-holds-barred giver. (i wouldn't know personally, not being wired that way. but i've had many, many givers express similar sentiments to me over the years.)
so here's what you can do- 1) continue to pour out from the depths (which are becoming silty) and being disappointed that the world doesn't respond in kind; 2) curb your impulse to give all the time and figure out workable limits; or 3) adjust your expectations so that you continue to give from your heart and replenish your well yourself, by treating yourself just as well, ie giving yourself some pampering or treats when you're starting to feel depleted.
it's never a good life tactic to rely on outside affirmation. but the world needs givers like you! so take care of yourself.
khairete
S.

IMO, give what you want to, not what you feel obligated to give. If someone gives you a thank you or gift, tell them with all sincerity that it's nice. Consider putting a bug in the PTA's ear for staff appreciation. Our PTA sponsored a breakfast to say thank you to our bus drivers one morning. I do try to give a little something to all of my DD's main interactions - her main teachers, the teacher we still say hi to every day, the librarian, etc. If you feel like you give out too many goodies and don't feel happy about it, then stop or cut back. Also, throughout the year, look at the difference you make to different kids and take that praise instead of feeling blue about a mug you probably didn't need anyway.

I think that because you feel the way you do, you really should do some self examination regarding why and how you give.
Giving is great, don't get me wrong.
What's odd is fact that you cannot understand that other people are t similarly motivated.
I tend to be an over-giver too. So there have been times where I've lugged several bags of holiday gifts to work, etc. only to return to my home with a few small tokens. That's OK, I've learned. Because I don't give to get not to validate my self worth. (Not saying you do )
People are all motivated differently. That's ok. It's not a reflection on you--as a person or as a teacher!

It sounds like that you might have the giving language of love. I have a friend that had to have a monetary gift in each letter from her mom or she thought her mom was mad at her. It could have been a dollar and it often was too.

She sends me stuff all the time and I can't afford to send her anything. Nothing. The postage alone would take food out of my families mouths. I can't afford to give her gifts. But it's how she feels loved.

It isn't a bad language of love but I imagine your feelings do get hurt. Please understand that I can't imagine parents who spend so much on their kids teachers. I just don't do that. I can't afford it. I don't even know the aids names or if there are others who might work with the kids on any given day.

I don't think it's personal in any way. I'm sorry you are being left out.

Hi. I know I'm off point here but something you wrote is sticking in my craw. Being an only child has absolutely NO correlation with reading social cues well. Reading social cues is a learned skill and, like all others, developes with time and opportunities for practice. I know just as many people with lots of siblings that can't read a social cue if it bit them on the hand and, conversely, know many onlies that are charming and extremely socially skilled. Thanks for the platform and good luck with the gratitude vacuum you find yourself in. Sincerely, S.

Continue to gift the way that you do if the act of baking, making and distributing gives you joy.
Gift yourself a thank you note, a baked good, a special mug, a mani pedi, a bouquet of flowers, a night on the town, if it makes you feel good.

While a gift from other would make your heart sing, no reason why you can't treat yourself well.

My mother was a school teacher-
I can't tell you how may mugs, scarves, broches, stationary sets, cheese boards she got over the years. Dust collectors. She tells me that she would have rather the parent done something for themselves or for the child.

With her in mind, I only give choc or coffee. Both are consumable, both can be re-gifted. I will not clutter someone's home because I need to satisfy my need to show appreciation.

I know the "specials" teachers do get ignored, sorry. If it gives you joy, please continue to give. Do you receive from friends or family?

First off, let me say, I'm sorry. It's one of those things you know you should not take offense at, know that yet (understandably)feel bummed anyway.

I have a long list of special teachers that I missed this year. I usually try to include everyone but this year has been tough. My entire family succumbed to the flu and I should not have waited last minute.

I personally (because of this post) will make it up to them come January, even if it just a heartfelt thank you card.

I hear you for sure. I don't have exactly this problem, because I do NOT make and give out so much stuff, especially at holidays when I'm swamped and overwhelmed as a single mother of three. The past two years I've had to tell myself, "Welp. you're not mailing out Christmas cards either. If people hate you they hate you." I have a friend (no kids, no job) who bakes like a madwoman at holidays and gives everyone stuff. She's mentioned before she feels like no one gives her anything. I always thank her profusely, but I also feel bad that I don't bake and hand out stuff. It is uncomfortable to receive gifts you are not going to return. For instance, I've had some childless friends offer to babysit my kids in a pinch. I would NEVER let them, because I can't return the favor.

However, I do give gifts to teachers AND the assistants and specialty teachers. I value the people who are educating my kids, and I make it a PRIORITY to do so. But I get it that most people don't think of it, or can't afford it, or are much more thinly stretched than I am, etc. I'm so sorry it must feel awful :(

The way I CAN relate is with things I do that don't seem liker other people do very often. For example, I ALWAYS let people with only a few items in front of me at check out if I have a full cart. Always. Does anyone EVER do me the same courtesy? NEVER!!!! I was in Michaels yesterday buying ONE CAN OF SPRAY ADHESIVE. The lines were long. The lady in front of me saw me, saw my ONE ITEM, and turned around and proceeded to have her cart full off 500 doo dads checked out..Also, I make it a point to listen more than I talk, and I feel most people just want to talk at me with only very few friends who inquire and care like I do. I make a point to order things from friends who are making and selling stuff rather than going to big stores. Which is great. But at times I feel like I'm always running around giving my friends money! Does anyone pay me for anything ever? No. I'm a painter and no friends have bought my work (that's OK though it's expensive :) I go to friend's book signings and music shows and parties, and often they don't come to my stuff... and I can think of lots and lots of courtesies and generosities that MOST PEOPLE do not return, either for selfish reasons, or for valid life reasons. People often just cannot do stuff and that's ok. But you have to do good things anyway. Because it's right and good and it does brighten other people's days, and that's the reward in itself. Karma builds and ebbs and flows, it's never tit for tat.

You have a very specific notion of exactly how you want to be thanked: The same way you thank others, with gifts. But unfortunately you have to accept most people do not behave the same way you do. And I understand it's frustrating. If it's any consolation, I've never gotten any type of special thanks for anything either other than random, sincere thank you's and that's plenty! :)

If you're waiting for the teachers to acknowledge you, then get ready for long wait. They don't feel the need to acknowledge/appreciate anyone. Heck, they can't even see you from the height of the pedestal they've put themselves on!

I have always said I do not understand why people feel the need to give a gift to anyone and everyone they come in contact with.

I don't think they think you are strange, they just don't feel the need to give.