Gifts and Gratitude

Is it: "I must not be a very acceptable person if I can't make others happy with my gifts?" Or is it: "These people don't appreciate what I do for them"? Both lines of thought are able to tie you up in knots, but they're not the same.

If it's the second, please realize that no person on earth is appreciated to the extent that that person thinks he/she *should* be! And there are always, unhappily, a few people who can't be pleased no matter what you do. It might be better not to expect any appreciation or thanks at all than to require it.

If it's the first, please think about this: your value as a human being is not determined by the gifts you choose for people. Your job as a gift-giver is merely to do your best with the information (and money) you have to find something the person *might* enjoy or benefit from. But your world doesn't turn on what you decide. It won't end if your gift is snubbed - and it won't really be much better if your gift is liked; that feeling will last only until the next gift-giving occasion pops up.

The fact that your parents don't use the gifts they receive indicates a number of things to my mind, but criticism of you personally isn't one of them. If they are critical people - in general - all the time, *they* have a problem, but you don't have to be the same way. You can start by not being as critical of yourself as you're doing.

I imagine most people who know you rather like you, or at least find no harm in you. And that, however lame it sounds, is a real compliment. You're not a horrible person after all. Don't be obsessed with what people might think of you, or what they might say about you. Don't make Christmas presents the test of your value. Just do the job, enjoy doing it as much as you can, and be done with it. After that, it's out of your hands and you can think, "Well, I did my best. Now I'll go do something else."

My older sister is the same way. You can only do the best you can. If people don't like your gifts, can you start asking for a list of what they do want?

Or maybe start going with gift cards, or no gifts.

To see something you spent money on (and effort picking out) not being used is frustrating to no end.

If you have asked them what they want, you got it - it's their problem.

If you have shopped and bought or made with your heart - you can't go wrong with that.

if they don't use it or like it? that's their problem. there are some people who will NEVER EVER be happy with a gift. "it's not the right color", "it's got buttons instead of zippers"

There are some people who will NEVER EVER be happy. So you have a choice - either not buy for them or buy and realize that they are just never going to be happy.

I would just start doing gift cards myself, because then they will be sure to use it for SOMETHING and then they will be picking out what they want (whether it's to a store or a favorite restaurant). Or just ask them beforehand what they would really like or think they would use. When we got together for Christmas with hubby's family, I always got gifts from his mother and sisters that really were not anything I could use or would have picked out myself - frankly, a lot of it was just "stuff" that made me feel like they just got me something for the sake of getting me something, without any real thought put into it. Like one time when my SIL got me one of those fake wooden faces that you would put on a tree - not trying to be snobby, but really? I would have been happy with a gift card to Starbucks for the same amount of money!

But I would also start to consider that it's probably not you, it might just be them - some people are just like that, no matter what. And you can't beat yourself up over it.

A gift is a gift.
Perhaps your parents are like my in-laws? They have a very small place, are extremely NOT tech-savvy (just ask me about the ipod we got my FIL last year--it's the gift that keeps giving--for ME! LOL), they don't travel, have hobbies, etc......same stuff year after year.
I was out shopping with my FIL this year and I said "Hey--since we have your feet here with us, how about a new pair of gym shoes? You can pick them out/try them on!" His response? "I just got out the pair from 2 years ago and I have O. more brand new pair un-opened." ???? OK--now new tennies this year! LOL
So maybe your parents are the type that "have everything" they need and it takes them a while to get around to them?

My Mom hates EVERYTHING she gets every year - without fail - and it really hurts me. A couple years ago she wanted a particular necklace for mother's day - picked it out - told my sister - we all pitched in (5 of us at $60 a piece) and bought it. She had NEVER seen it in real life - picked it out of a catalog - and then when she opened it she went totally silent - picked up the phone - walked into the other room - and proceeded to COMPLAIN about how small, crappy, ugly - whatever - and we could all hear her.

My point - even when they pick it out themselves some people just like to complain and be dissatisified.

You chose with your heart - you can't do any more than that.

I now ignore anything my Mom says about her gifts and just expect she'll hate them...not sure if that is better or worse but at least it's a funny running joke among my siblings.