My 10 y/o has recently been getting off path. We followed our reg routine where every summer his god mom got him (Single mom with supportive fam), but during the summer a few other fam members needed a little help and I tried to help. When he came home they were still here, I'm noticing some of their behaviors in him and this is not normal. I don't know if its because he is getting older or because of the negative influences I allowed in our home. Either way I feel so guilty and stupid but want to stop these behaviors IMMEDIATELY. I am a single mom and its been hard enough w/o this. Any moms that can help please offer any suggestions. Report cards came out today and its really bad. I don't know what else to try. I've tried positive reinforcements, taking away is fav things and nothing helps. Like he is just determined to do what he wants to regardless of consequences.
Leslie B, You are exactly on target, its everything, things he used to love are "Whatever" now and "No big deal" He used to love report card day we would always take down the old one and put up the new one on the fridge but more recently I’m have to ask him for it (Most recent interim and report card). Chores have become a really sticky subject not that he loved them before but he understood that’s what needed to be done, but now just mentioning and we argue. We never argued before my word was final and I haven’t spanked him since he was 4 or 5. Which I could always ask him do you wanna go back to that and that would do it. My little boy that used to army crawl across the floor is slipping away because of me inviting in reckless ppl so close to our sanctuary. He has lost all his video games, cell phone, everything. Tried giving him back his allowance for a week only for him to do chores for a few days and stop once he got the allowance. He is with me everyday after school b/c of punishment so I know what he is up to after school. He can make fun out of a tooth pick. How else do I get to him. I work from home so I am with him everyday when he is not in school.
I would set up a meeting with the teacher and ask for tutoring so he can catch up. I would accept you were trying to help others, but you must now decide not to let anyone move in again. Your #1 job is to take care of your son and yourself. That is not selfish or wrong. Hang in there.
Ah, Lord help you - welcome to puberty.
It sucks.
My son went through this. I just continued to repeat the expectations, enforce the consequences, rallied his teachers and our family, set good examples and plugged away at it.
You are not to feel guilty or stupid. I think every pubescent boy goes through this to some extent. Our children are going to be exposed to a myriad of things - if the core values are in place, and consistently, reinforced, you are halfway there.
He will rebel, he will balk, he will be cruddy and rude. But, don't give up and don't blame yourself. Just keep being the Mom and keep those lines of communication wide open.
Engage him other activities - esteem building, team building, activities. Continue to show him the better path, lead by example, and explain that not all behaviors are good behaviors - no matter who is exhibiting them.
The one thing I finally did with my son, in 6th grade, was explain to him that his grades were on him. I assured him that I would give him all the tools and support he needed to pass, but that ultimately, if he decided to not do the work, I would also ensure that he repeated the 6th grade. No summer school, no excuses, no begging the school to pass him on. He would simply repeat. Since that idea was appalling to him, he managed to pull everything up and passed. It was a hard lesson for me, to let him "go", but for him, a strong one. He is no a junior and understands that I will not provide him a safety net, or excuses for his failure. He does much better in school and "owns" his results.
I learned that I have to sometimes let him fail on his own in order for him to understand the consequences. Normally, we do this on the little things - it is much harder to consider it on the big things. But, for my stubborn son, it was the magic key.
Well, puberty is on it's way - basically menopause in reverse, with your brain and body exploding and changing completely. So that's tough to deal with for both of you.
Is there a Big Brothers/Big Sisters in your area? I would look into that. My friend signed her son up (she was widowed young) so her boy would have a healthy male role-model in his life. It was very good for him. Perhaps that would give him an alternate role model to the family, and a male to balance your female.
Good luck!
What behaviors? Or just bad grades?
I think it would really help if you are a little more specific in the new behaviors that you are seeing. Then we can either help you chalk it up to growing up or give advice to stop the certain behaviors.
