Getting Homework Done

Hi A.,

I am a mom with a 12-year old and I own a tutoring company. One idea is to have a short-term homework helper one or two days a week to help your daughter learn some tools that will help her with study and orgnizational skills, create a 'game plan' for getting homework done, calendar her responsibilities, etc. Some modeling (from someeon other than a parent) will set her up for the long-term and take some of the responsibility off of you. Feel free to contact me directly at ____@____.com - N.

Hello A.
Oh my gosh. You sound like me about 2 mos ago. I went through the exact same thing, with other things as well. I have a 9 year old daughter who not only wasn't doing her homework, but she was lying in school, getting into trouble and even stealing. My situation was different because my daughter's father was recently incarcerated, and they are very close. I seeked counseling, and still punished my daughter, but not as severly as I was. I have since put my daughter back into her old school, and things seem good now. ( will find out for sure when we get her behavior chart for the week). I say, continue to give some form of consequence, and perhaps spending some alone time with your daughter to talk will help. The situation with her period is definitely something new that she is experiencing and probably feels uncomfortable talking about it. I remember when I started my period my mom never talked to me about the situation, thus I seeked advice from other classmates. Tell her to embrace this new stage in her life, talk with her, and perhaps reward her when she does do something good. Whether it's ice cream after dinner, or a new book. Make her know that you are proud regardless of this difficult time in her life.

There may be a lot of reasons...try asking her some questions about how things are going for her--the work may be challenging her and she is frustrated, she may need more help understanding what the teacher wants her to do--the possibilities are endless, and the only way to find out is to ask her and listen and hear what she says. Let her know that you love her, are there for her and want to help her.

Hi, Since it sounds like her behavior has undergone a rather abrupt change, my suggestion is to get her some counseling. It may take her several months to build up a rapport with the counselor, so be prepared for things to possibly get worse before they get better. Kids entering adolescence often need a neutral third party to talk to. I personally have always taken the position that all consequences for school/homework should come from the school. (Many school professionals don't like this approach, but they're not setting consequences for what happens in my home.) This way kids get natural consequences for their choices and behaviors, not contrived punishments (which seldom work.) As a parent, my responsibility is to provide a conducive place and time for homework and occasional help or tutoring if needed. This may be a huge shift from the idea of punishment to consequences, so give yourself a break if you have a little trouble at first!

I am the mother of a son and daughter as well, but they are grown with children of their own, and I happen to have an 11 year old grand daughter. Yes, your suspicion of hormones is more than likely a factor, but so are friends and stars she may look up to. Watch that closely and take any negitives and talk to her about them. Have you considered making a contract with her? Explain (once again)what you expect from her, why these things are important, and consequences for her not following through with her responsibilities. Make all of these very clear among the 3 of you,then workout a plan together and write it all out. When she has been diligent in following through with her responsibilities for a month, give her a token of appreciation. Nothing big, maybe lunch with Mom (or Dad) alone, getting something for her room like a poster, new earrings, etc. just a gift to say you appreciate her efforts. Your part of the contract might be that you both will treat her with respect, fairness, and not nag about her following through with those responsibilites. Tell her you trust her to hold up her end of the contract. Then follow through. It may be she needs a change in where she does her homework, away from distractions, maybe she needs some de-stress time before tackling things at home. School can be stressful. Have you asked her why SHE thinks she isn't making them the priority they have been in the past? Listen to not only what she says, but how she says it. And "I don't know" is an answer. She may not know why. You might want to give her some suggestions as to why. She is changing. Is she involved in a lot of activities? If she is, she might be a little overwhelmed. Remember she IS going to be moody sometimes because she is going into her teens. Give her a little slack because of that. How often is she not making them the priority she should? Every week? More? Less? Stop and evaluate the degree and frequency. Watch and listen to her music and friends. Parents begin loosing the place of wisdom to these influences much sooner than we like to think. Remind her you love her and depend on her and trust her to to what needs to be done. Are you trying to have everything neat and tidy with all chores done all the time? That is unrealistic and you don't need a perfectly clean house to have a happy family, which is way more important than a house. Or could it be the opposite? We get so busy with life outside the home we sometimes let it go too long and it isn't a comfortable place any more. If you two aren't doing your part, why should she? Evaluate yourself and see if your own stresses are making you and your husband more stressed in dealing with the family. Sometimes we are the problem not our kids :) You might try making a schedule and put it up where she can see it. Is she having trouble with the homework? Maybe she feels lost with it so she puts it off. Ask her. Check it even if she says that isn't a problem. Does she need a tutor for a little while? I hope some of this helps a little. It is stressful being parents and doesn't get easier as our children age. Remember, you will make mistakes and so will your kids.
C. L.

Sometimes as they move into puberty they do get a little more 'distracted' in school and otherwise. She probably needs assistance with time management. Each year in school will get more time intensive. We periodically have to pull in the reigns a little more with our kids and cut out some of the socialization until they get back on track. Try a scheduled homework time right after school. If she needs incentive, plan some type of weekend outing she would enjoy (invite a friend too) if she completes all her homework that week without a struggle. But most of all don't be afraid to be her parent and lay down the law at times. Its ok for our kids to not always like what we do. They will appreciate it sooner than later.

first of all, realize that "this too shall pass" as with all developmental stages of a child's life. In the meantime, have her help make the decisions about how she will complete her responsibilities and homework. Have her buy into to it and perhaps come up with some ideas of consequences of not following through.