Getting Feedback in Real Life?

I like to believe I am down to earth and honest enough that if someone walked up to me out of the blue I would feel comfortable enough to answer any question to the best of my ability. I also like to think I am friendly and outgoing, but I will say that when it comes to friends, I only have a few Close friends...part of this is I have a lot of trust issues and another more selfish reason, I simply do not have time for anymore...when I go to any of my children's school functions, my focus is on my kids or getting information from my child's teacher. I feel like I am on a schedule and that this is part of my "job" as a mom, not to say I am not enjoying myself, but I am focused...I have not gone in search of making friends or getting to know anyone. At the end of the day I am mom to 3 kids, the youngest being special needs and I walk around exhausted. I just wanted to post this to let you know that it may not be you, and not to take it personally that everyone has a side of their life that you cannot readily tell just by looking at them...it is not like i wear a sign around my neck saying ask why I look tired and frazzled = ) And I really Try hard not to look tired and frazzled when I do get to go out = )

I would suggest looking elsewhere to make friends, join a book club, take some individual classes...find someone with similar interests.
Lots of luck!
B.

Real life is kinda like high school. You have the mean girls in cliques, you have people that only want to hang out with similar people (same religion, same age/sex of children etc), and you have people who are more adult and open to different types of friends *and* have time to make new friends.

I've actually been kinda scared to join the PTA after hearing some negative stories about cliques & queen bees- at different schools! Most of the moms I've met who volunteer in the classroom seem nice though.

ok I answered your other post and this is how I described it to my son. if you are a redneck your not going to get along with a jock. or a prep. no matter how hard you try your not going to have anything in common with them. sometimes your personalities just wont click. if you don't dress "preppy" "preppy " people will look down on youi for the way you dress. I don't get along with anyone that is not redneck. not because I am trying to be rude just we have little if anything in common. you give me a redneck or a cowboy I don't have to try to be friends with them its just a natural attraction.

where I used to live I had a hard time making friends I moved to a big town and have more friends in 4 months than I had in 40 yrs where I used to live. Nobody can tell you what you need to diffrent and it may not be a you thing. it may be an unable to make a connection thing. if its not that its just they are total a**es

This is a hard question to answer because I don't know you at all. I'm a very friendly person and get along with everyone. I've had very, very close friendships that have lasted my lifetime. I've had "friends" who I'm not nearly as intimate with as far as what I share about my life, but like them and enjoy them when we get together.
With all my friendships, the thing I tend to like most about people is that they are comfortable with themselves. They are who they are, they are how they are, they are good and caring people and don't worry too much about whether everyone else likes them. Not everyone likes everyone or really clicks on a level deeper than just being acquaintences. I know people that have very few friends. They are happy with life that way. They prefer quality over quantity.
I read a quiz in the doctor's office the other day and it asked, "Are you too sensitive?"
For instance, the questions were like, "You are coming out of a store and see a friend across the parking lot looking in your direction. You wave, but she gets in her car and leaves without waving back. Do you A) Shrug it off thinking she just didn't see you? B) Assume you've done something wrong to cause her to ignore you?"
"You invite a coworker to have lunch with you next Friday at a new restaurant you both want to try. You make the reservation and she tells you Friday morning at work that an old friend from out of town will be passing through and she'd like to have lunch with her instead. Do you A) Tell her to have a great time and you'll change the reservation for the next week? B) Feel hurt that she gave you short notice without suggesting all three of you go?"
You get the idea.
Basically it showed that it's not so much about the situation but the way you react to it that matters.
Sometimes people don't see you, sometimes things come up, sometimes people are thoughtless and you have a right to be upset, but you don't always have to assume it's because of YOU.
Continue to be pleasant. Don't try too hard. Don't worry about having everyone's approval or or acceptance.

Best wishes!

okay, I read your other question & the responses.

& here's my honest take: forget those other women! You may never know "why" they act the way they do. It really reminds me of when H.S. cliques try to destroy one & another. Do you really want to be a part of that? Do you really want to even be seen with them? By pursuing this, you are feeding them the negativity they crave. Back off, ignore them.....they're not worth your effort!

Stop working the room, stop introducing yourself. Try to cultivate friendships with the moms you've already met.....& leave it at that! Embrace what you have....not what those other moms have. Peace!

& yes, if you asked me for feedback....in direct coorelation to those moms' rudeness......I would be taken aback & would question your motives. It would feel as if you were pushing for something the other moms didn't want & that seems wrong/pushy/off-putting to me. I realize their behavior upsets you.....but what upsets me is how fixated you seem to be on those moms! Again.....I wish you Peace.

It depends on how well I knew you, what the response was, and how delicately I thought I could phrase it. If someone asks that question I assume that they do want a truly honest answer but then like they say, sometimes "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" And you never know how someone's gonna react to brutal honesty.

So, in addition to all the other considerations presented by Julie and others, do you think you might have BO possibly? (Sorry, had to ask.) That's a pet peeve of mine as I'm pretty sensitive to smells - including my own BO - and occasionally I run across people who simply reek and I can't understand how they don't know and I pray to God that I don't smell like that. Other considerations: is your yard an eyesore? Do you have drama going on at home that others might have gotten wind of? Did you volunteer to do something on a committee and then not follow-through, or have you been there a while and not volunteered to help with anything?

Regardless of what it is, you can choose to let any possible relationships unfold naturally if they are meant to, or you can come right out and ask the most approachable person - or the rudest - what it could be.

Okay, I've been in your shoes I'm afraid. A lot of times its just a case of the other Moms already being in a clique and has nothing to do with you. I don't know if you're from here, but I'm afraid us folks in Texas can be pretty good at getting cliquey on you and making you feel left out - especially if there is anything at all different about you. And if there is something different about you - kudos for you!!! We need more different people!! We have enough bleach blonde fake boobs botox faces running around this state!

Now I'm going to ask you some honest questions, and they are not meant to offend - Do you shower? Do your kids bathe? Are you obnoxious about voicing your religious or political views? Are you overly friendly and eager with these women? Do you wear clothes that are worn out and tattered when their's are designer or the other way around? Is your car dirty or beat up? Do you not contribute money or volunteer at all for school functions? Chances are none of these things are true, but if they are, they have a high possibility of turning people off big time. I'm sure you are already aware of this though, so we'll move on :)

I would start with whoever you're child is friend's with and make the first move. Try to get a playdate for that child and Mom and perhaps you'll get to know her better - make it somewhere other than either home so both Mom's will have to stay. Could be a nice bonding time. If she is good friends with more than one child do it with each of her friends and Moms until you find one you really click with, before long you might move on to having lunch while the kids are at school - take it slow though. Don't be too eager.

Another thing I would suggest if you are looking for friends is to look at http://www.meetup.com - there they list groups for all areas of town of all interest groups you could possibly imagine. Its an exellent way to meet people that share your interests!

Good luck and don't get discouraged. Its not you - its the cliques!!!!

Let me ask YOU a few questions....Is it just a few moms or is it the majority of the mothers? If these women are rude to you, why do you want to be friends with them? Do you fit the mold of the other moms or do you dance to your own drummer? What type of area do you live in? Are YOU comfortable with YOU? How does your child behave in class? Does your child have a lot of friend?
I'm not trying to put the blame on you, just a few questions that may help you analyze why they don't seem to want to include you in their group.
If it's just a few moms, then who cares? They're probably snobby anyway. In almost any situation you'll find that there are cliques. I would guess that you just don't fit into their mold. I'm sure there has to be a group of Moms that you fit in with. If your child has a lot of friends, invite them over for a playdate. Make snacks and coffee for the moms. That will give you a chance to get to know them and them a chance to get to know you. If they won't even entertain that idea, then move on. It's not worth it. As long as YOU are happy with you, that's really all that matters. It sounds like you have a very outgoing and dynamic personality. I bet you have plenty of friends and you don't need them anyway! :)

Another thought...If you're desperate to be friends with them, you might be seen as needy. That turns a lot of people off.

Unless the people you ask are family or life long friends, I wouldn't ask. It would make me very uncomfortable. I have run into some moms at my son's school that just aren't friendly for some reason. I know I'm a nice person and I have lots of friends, so I know it is nothing I'm doing or not doing. It's their problem and I'm not going to waste my time worrying about it. I'm involved in my church and those are the people I want to be good friends with. They're my family away from home, not some school moms that I'll probably never be friends with anyway. Just be who you are and continue to be nice to everyone and quit blaming yourself. Be confident and friends will find you. Happy holidays!

I have met a lot of the moms in my child's class, and there is only one I have really clicked with. I mean, they are all friendly and seem like very nice people. As long as everyone is friendly is my main concern. I would never purposely leave someone out. But, I also look at it like, I have 2 kids, one on the way and plenty of friends and Im not sure if I have too much more time for any more relationships. I dont feel like I have to be friends with them all or even have the energy. But staying friendly and having a good time when we are around each other is a huge deal to me. Anyways, not sure if that helped your question or not. I guess what Im saying, is I wouldnt take it personal. Just because your kids are friends doesnt always mean you have to be best friends with their parents.
You seem like a great person who is working hard to raise wonderful kids and thats all you really need.

O. P,

Welcome to the SOUTH!! I felt the same way, but let me be the first to tell you that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOUR HUSBAND OR YOUR CHILDREN!! Some not all, but more than I care to discuss have treated me the same way but I figured it out... they are too busy trying to befriend a group of women who belong to this NON EXISTENCE exclusive CLICK they would never befriend you if the clickers hasn't become your friend!! They are afraid to step out of that LITTLE BOX!! I am a friendly person who loves life, but I refuse to live the rest of my days trying to be a part of their SO BUSY life or trying get in where I don't want to fit in. I have found great friends, so there is hope, but my friends are all from the NORTH!! So keep smiling, being true to yourself and your family and keep your head up. It is so sad that they can't befriend a neighbor/parent etc, but this is their reality!! ENJOY LIFE!!!

You know how you meet or greet people in public and sometimes there is that instant friend connection; other times it's like you want to stay away or maybe the clicks are so tight it's just hard to get in. You've introduced yourself now let them come to you. Volunteer where you would like and not let them bother you. However, if it is really getting to you ask them only if you feel the need too; it's all in how you do the asking. I believe a good question deserves a nice and proper honest answer. It's like asking a question here on mamapedia, sometimes you get wonderful understanding moms and then you get those that are no so nice that need to work on tact. We as mother's need to support and listen to one another; sometimes I think some moms forget that especially when children and feelings are involved. I'm sorry you are going through that at your child's school and I hope that it gets better because I do not feel you've done anything wrong. You keep being you and just remember some people are worth knowing but if it seems like a hassle maybe it isn't worth it.

I have been in your shoes. I moved from the northeast to CA to AZ to TX! I feel your pain! We just moved to Texas at the end of October and are hoping that this will not happen to us. However, before this we lived in AZ and boy oh boy was it horrible! I was in Scottsdale and had heard the term "Snottsdale" before but then I lived it. Nobody really wanted to have anything to do with us. Not sure why. It was strange. Before that we lived in CA and it took a few months, but you know what? I joined the PTA and invited the moms of my daughter's class to have brunch. I ended up with a TON of wonderful friends.

So, my advice to you would be 1) Join the PTA. 2) Volunteer as much as possible at your child's school. 3) Host a bunch while the kids are in school. 4) If you are religious, find a church. We just did and the people were SO very nice. We drive a 1/2 hour to get there, but it is worth it. 5) Find out who your child(ren) like to play with at school and invite them over for a play date. Ask the parent to stay for coffee.

There are people out there that are inclusive! I hope it all works out for you!

There are many reasons I do/do not become better friends with certain people. A lot of it has to do with if we "click", and if our schedules match up. Also, are you putting yourself out there and asking people to get together, or are you waiting for others to invite you? From your other post about mean moms, it seems as though it's just a few and there are other moms you can make a deeper connection with. Also, it's important to let friendships develop at a natural pace - don't try to push too quickly for a close relationship. And remember that sometimes schedules just don't work out. I know some people I would love to spend more time with and develop closer relationships with, but our schedules just don't work out very often. Between all the kids (different school and nap times not to mention activities), volunteering responsibilities at church and school, and family time (not to mention if you or the other person is working!), it can be difficult to find a common space of free time! Not that there's no free time, but that the free time happens simultaneously. Instead of asking someone why they aren't your BFF, try asking them to hang out instead. And try branching out to join an interest or hobby group - having something in common besides living in the same school district will more likely lead to friendship. Good luck!

I think you have gotten some great advice and suggestions from the other mommies, but I have to tell you I do not agree with statements about TX folks "sticking to their own" or being unfriendly.
Honestly, being from the north has very little to do with making friends in TX. I moved here nine years ago from "the north" and have a lot of great friends. But let me tell you, it took time.
I would not go up and ask people who you already admitted to barely know ing and ask why they don't like you - if someone did that to me, I'd think"needy" and say, "I don't know where this is coming from. I don't even know you."
That said, I agree that school age parent friendship building is different than when they are younger in child care and it takes so much longer because of the number of interactions with other parents is just so limited.
When my eldest started school we went from going to birthday parties every weekend and saying hi and chatting with moms and dads in the hallway at pick up (day care) to carpool lines and an occassional "hello" and "Remind me who your child is" at school events. Now that my son is in first grade and we are seeing some of the same moms and kids, the friendships are growing - slowly, but surely.
Good luck and my advice again is, Give it time.

I don't think the problem is you....the problem is the people who you come in contact with. I've always found that when it comes to a school environment, some parents tend to be clickish. It reminds me of being in high school all over again. I like to keep a low profile and if I meet someone that I click with, great...if not, oh well. I don't go out of my way to make friends--I let it happen naturally. Don't take it personal--not everyone will be friendly. Just be yourself and roll with the punches.

M.

I'm not sure I could answer someone truthfully if there was a reason I didn't want to become more friendly with them... You sound nice and hopefully you have friends from elsewhere so you should do your best to ignore this situation. But of course I can see why it bothers you. Some obvious issues would be your personal appearance, if you happen to be noticeably less wealthy than other families and you're in a snobby area, if your child is odd/unpopular, or maybe an ethnic issue. I hate to say it but if your child doesn't have friends, likely people aren't going to seek you out because their child won't want playdates etc. I see you're in Texas, are you a northerner?... I don't mean to stereotype Texas. I've never been there but I've heard in some areas in particular in the country, people stick with "their own kind". Or on the flip side, are you unusually good looking and some women may be jealous? Good luck. Sometimes people are just obnoxious.

O., Do not take it personal. It just takes time. I have a 4th grader and after 4 yrs of birthday parties and school events I'm just starting to get to know these people. I have one that started Kindergarten this year and I'm noticing it starting all over. Having to get to know a new set of parents is not easy. People have their own lives and usually when parents are at school, its not to make friends, its to be involved with your child.

I have found that volunteering for field trips is the easiest way to strick up a conversation with another parent. School activities are usually so fast paced, who has time to carry on conversations. I have parents I talk to when at school events but we never see each other outside.

Also, one other thing I have noticed is that there are your cliqish groups, usually the moms involved in PTA tend to stick to themselves. I got a bad taste in my mouth about our PTA so I chose to not be apart of it. I do all class partys and field trips and dont feel like ive missed out on anything.

If you really want to be involved then I suggest you join the PTA and show up to all the meetings, volunteer to do things everytime you can. Eventually the friendships will form.

Hi! O., maybe the problem isnt you. Perhaps your Christianity shines through & some people just can't handle the goodness you shine.Remember God puts people in your life for a reason & the right friends will come along. Life long friends. I am 56 years old & have learned that if I let HIM lead me then I won't get in with people that I didn't need in my life anyway. If they are judging you for any reason that's proof enough that they aren't the kind of friends you need any how. God bless you & just keep praying & thanking him for the friends that you are going to meet that are worth while.