My son's dad has been on a mission to "win me back." He finally got a job and has been steadily paying his child support (not always all of it, but he makes less now then he did when the order was originally put in place). He has been actively using his visitation, which has allowed me for some nice breaks. He SEEMS to be trying with his son and his daughter (from a prior relationship). He asked me if I would consider going out on a date with him. We are pretty good at co-parenting and have been very civil since the break up. But, when we were together, it was always up and down. There has been a pretty complicated three year history with him and I with lots of fighting, emotional neglect as a result, and eventually just moving on to other people. I have actually considered taking him up on the offer, but I'm also weary of the past returning. What do you all think?
We were very much in love when we were together. However, the stress of an unexpected pregnancy, having to make difficult decisions, financial strain of a baby that at the time we could not really afford, etc. along with my difficult job, his daughter's mom constantly threatening me and some relative difficulties were constantly overpowering this situation. I will say that as his mom has taken the time to know me, she now views me as a daughter and we have been extremely close after the break-up so that one family strain is gone. His daughter's mom has finally worked out with me a "tolerable" relationship and will even let me take his daughter with me if I'm doing something fun with my son like going to the zoo or something. We don't talk to each other for the most part outside of these interactions. These were things though that didn't start really developing till after our break up so my fear is if we get back together, some of these outside dynamics will return (not so much his mom, but his daughter's mom).
@Victoria - my son's not verbal so no problems there. His daughter is another story, but I don't tell her much about anything unless I know it's serious and neither does her dad. It took my almost a year before I met her for the first time. It was really hard for her when we first broke up cause we became so incredibly close, but luckily I was able to work it out to where I could still see her regularly.
I would date him, if you still love him or think that you will given the right opportunity. ie he really has changed.
But I would also get into therapy so that you both can learn ways to deal with the stresses. You'll always have stress and you need to learn skills for dealing with the stress that does not include fighting and bad feelings.
If you really love him and he is genuinely changing, why not?
Just do NOT sleep with him, or engage in any sexual activity. You need to start over fresh, from the beginning. Do not bring in intimacy anytime soon. If he pushes it, I have to wonder if he really wants a relationship...or just sex. Not saying he will or has, but if he does...don't do it.
ETA: In response to your SWH...if there are many of the same elements that were there before, and you think they will again cause stress...I would maybe reconsider. Also, is he convenient, or does he really make you a better woman?
I agree with all the posts before me, but I would add:
Do not let the kids know that you are dating. It creates expectations, disappointments and confusion that aren't necessary.
my first thought is yes, why not. But make him wait for the date. And DO NOT have sex with him. Make him want you, and wait for you. He will gain more respect for you that way. Good luck, every kid deserves for both their parents to be together. I know it doesn't always work out that way, but I think you know what I mean.
Does he make you want to be a better person? Do you do the same for him? A quote I read recently said "all relationships are difficult. It's still wanting to be there when it sucks that matters".
Do you love him?
Do you want to get to know him again and see if you could love him?
If that doesnt really sound appealing to you then I think you broke up for a reason and we should never forget WHY we broke up with someone.
I've been in an "up and down" relationship for most of 28 years. I believe that love is mostly what we decide to make it. We can decide to love someone, it's not something that comes upon us like magic fairy dust (that's infatuation). Physical attraction, however, either exists or it doesn't.
So, go on a date with him and see what happens. One date is just one date. It might give you two time to talk, or just be together, or to see if the spark is still there. Later you can decide if there is enough attraction and willingness to love that you are ready to work through your differences.
I can't really answer your question without more info but I will ask this:
Do you love him? Did he or does he love you?
Are you simply lonely as in not dating anyone else?
Are you nostalgic?
In addition to many of the answers, try family counseling if you didn't already. Sometimes outside help can allow you to see where the weak spots are and deal with them. It may help you clarify your feelings as well. Worst case, it'll help with coparenting, etc. Good luck!
It sounds like you guys are just doing things out of order. This is not a criticism. I don't know details about the timing, but it seems that you didn't work out certain important issues before adding the strain of an unexpected pregnancy and then child to tend to--how you fit into his life with his ex and their child, giving them a chance to get used to the idea; his mother getting to know you and learning to like you with her son. (Maybe she saw him make poor decisions before you and had no reason to see you as a good decision. Family doesn't tend to share that kind of information with the newbie; they just keep their distance until they see that it's real.) These are just two big issues that can put a huge strain on any relationship. While you don't HAVE TO wait, it's wise to do more planning (for and against certain things) and consider the timing, if you want transitions to be a little smoother. Otherwise, you're just piling on everything at once and expecting everyone involved to just take it. You want people to feel the way that you think they should about it when you have not allowed them time or opportunity to process it like they need to in order to come to their conclusions. If you sit down to a huge steak and potato meal and finish it in three minutes, chances are that you will be feeling very sick and possibly throwing it back up. There's wisdom in taking bites and chewing and letting it go down bit my bit and then letting it digest. Some things can't wait, but....
With that said, it sounds like now things are settling into place for him and he is in a better position to pick this relationship back up and move forward with you. If you think that you want to be with him, see a counselor and acknowledge and discuss what went wrong from each perspective without judgment. Use counseling as a tool to understand who each other is, who you are, and what works for you.
It is quite possible that things are smoother with his mother and with his ex because a little time and effort have been applied to the situation. Thsi might be why he is now willing to try again. You shouldn't expect things to just fall into place and bend to you because you are "in love".
