Getting 8 Yr Old to Be "Ok" with Handing down to Sister

One other thought -- does she see you giving things away? Or her dad? Or, maybe taking her to a Goodwill or Salvation Army, letting her pick out some stuff (assuming she donates stuff), and begin to understand the idea of re-using (maybe it would be easier to give things to someone she doesn't know?).

Is she environmentally inclined at all? This is a great way to recycle, and use less.

Does she read to her sister? That might help with passing along books.

Unless the items are "special occassion" items, my daughter doesn't have a choice. If the items are too small then I take them out of her room and give them to someone who needs them. That includes her little sister. And as far as wanting her sister to pay for them, I would ask her if she would like to pay me for all the clothes that she has right now because I bought them and gave them to her. Maybe she has too much stuff and needs to give more stuff away so that she can grateful for what she has.
These have worked for me. My daughter has no problem giving her old stuff away.

I would not ask that she hand things down to her sister. If she loves her possessions so much, it will be hard for her to see her sister playing with them. I would explain to her that with the economy being the way it is, etc., that everyone in your household (you, your husband, and your three year old) is going to go through their belongings and get rid of toys/clothes/possessions that you no longer have use for (for whatever reason) in order to give things to the poor people who don't have toys/clothes, etc. Let her see you go through your closets first and then you help her decide what to get rid of. Tell her that she can choose up to 5 favorite things to keep, but that she must give away the rest.

Let her know that the poor people appreciate having things, especially her old clothing that she outgrew. Let her go with you to donate the items to Salvation Army, Goodwill or a local church. Maybe schedule a time when your family can volunteer with Habitat for Humanity or some other charity that helps others in need. Reinforce with her the need for charity/helping others. Explain to her that she has a lot of items that other people would consider luxuries and that she needs to be thankful that you and your husband buy things for her.

Do the giving of her possessions this way. If you make her give them to her sister, she doesn't see that it goes to a person who truly needs her things and she will be jealous of her sister.

Best of luck,
J.

i say let her keep the most special things for her hope chest and make her give the rest to her sister. she should learn to be generous at a young age.

There is nothing wrong with handing down to family as a matter of fact I am not sure how else our parents would have managed. I am a little confused why your daughter feels she should earn money, did she purchase them items? If, she did than maybe those items can go in the yard sell to earn some of that money back but everything else is really a gift. I am thinking that she might like to pass on gifts to her baby sister who needs them now:)

Good luck

You've let this go on far too long. Your daughter has become very selfish. Tell here that you bought them and that YOU decide where they go. Not her. You are the parent and make the rules and she will not be given anything new until she learns to share/pass down.

I agree with Jan C. By making her give things away, you'll just be building resentment in her. My 7 year old has things that she never wants to part with (like an old pair of sneakers) and I honor her request for the things she truly loves, without me judging their worth (this was tough with a ratty old pair of sneakers she'd outgrown, or the nightgown with stains). We talk a LOT about helping those less fortunate than ourselves and have done charity work (for the humane society, food banks, children in need, etc), so the idea of giving something that she's not using to someone who will use it/need it is a little easier for her. I noticed you listed yourself as a "bonus mom" to your 8 year old. Is she your step daughter? This could be another reason why she doesn't want her little sister to have her things. She may feel you love your 3 year old more, or that you don't really love her. If you do decide to do some kind of charity work, make it a special time for you and your older daughter. Try to spend a few extra alone minutes with her every day, even if it's just reading a book together. If she feels special in your eyes, she will eventually be able to give up the material things for those who need them. But forcing her will just put a roadblock in your relationship, and build resentment toward her little sister. Think of the big picture, of what kind of relationship you want to have with the girls, and what kind they have with each other, and then decide how to best handle the situation.

One last thing, in response to the "I bought it, therefore it's mine" suggestion. I've seen my sister use this all the time with my nephew, and it's just made him confused and angry. She goes from "take care of YOUR stuff" to "I bought it, it's mine." Which is it? My feeling is that if you give someone a gift, then it's theirs, and they can decide what to do with it. This also gives my girls the responsibility to take care of their stuff. They left a favorite poncho at school? They need to find it and take better care of it next time. Can't find a certain toy? Did they put it away? I'll help look, but it's ultimately their responsibility because in the long run, I want them to be able to take care of themselves. And I want them to have ownership of their things, not fear the "I bought it" line.

Best of luck to you.

I noticed, like Cai D, that you have posted that you are a "bonus mom" to the 8 yr old - I assume that means you are the step mom. This throws a whole different dynamic into the sisters' relationship. Your 8 yr old is now competing not only with her little half sister, but with you, for her daddy's attention. I don't mean that to be accusing you or saying that you have done something wrong in marrying him and having a life with him, you all may be very happy and stable and you are probably a wonderful influence on her life... BUT she is an 8 yr old girl who sees things differently than the adults in her world do. In this case I would not make her hand down her favorite things to her sister - it sounds like she is "coveting" her things because she has lost control of other aspects of her life. Let her control her things - to a point. I would agree that giving them away to salvation army ect. would help her learn to bless others without harming her relationship with her little sister. If you are also tight on cash, you could use that opportunity to buy some really cheap clothes for your three year old to show them both how the cycle continues! I have several friends and we all have children of each gender, staggered in ages, and so we just pass clothes from one to another as our kids outgrow them - sometimes they end up back to the original owner! This is also another nice way to show how people help each other out :) Remember that children control what they can, and the more controlling they get in one area means that they feel a loss of control in another (I think we grown ups are like that too!) Good luck with your two beautiful girls!

How sweet that she is sentimental and appreciates her belongings so much! I would let her choose when to let it go. Explain the importance of releasing the old to make way for the new. Include her when you do it with your own stuff. Good luck!

Nip that materialism now, right now. Family does not charge family. It is not OK and she needs to be firmly told that. What I do with my kids is after they've graciously handed down things like books etc, I take them and let them get a few more. Not right away because you don't want them to feel like it's a pay off. Sounds to me like she's angry with her sister and this is her way of expressing it. Perhaps you can ask her about it. Good luck.

Hello MH.
First & foremost, does your 8 year old know that when she was a baby herself no one asked her for any money to be repaid? I think at that age she's already learning how to be a bit greedy. You're the mother & as such you're entitled to make that decision, not her. I wouldn't let any of my kids tell me what to do. you have to put your foot down & let her know who the grown up is, otherwise, will she be ruling your world by making the decisions... That's just mty advise.
Have a great day.
D

Sometimes we, even as adults, are not “OK” with doing some things, but we do them because it is the right thing to do. Children often want their own way, and we as parents can guide them to make the right decisions. At the age of 8, children usually are attached to their things. Some things are very special to them. If she were allowed to keep everything she is attached to, you will eventually have to add on to your house. You may want to consider allowing your 8 year old to keep special items that can fit into a “hope chest”, the rest can be given away/handed down.

Children from the ages 7-puberty are such interesting creatures. Their need for love and compassion is actually heightened at this stage and their desire to have control over their person and belongings is very natural.

Every child is different. For some, disposing, or handing down of no longer needed items comes easy for them. Where as with some, arbitrary disposal of their beloved items can actually be quite traumatic as these items may offer a sense of security. If the items are being used as a control mechanism, then you will need to find a way to work through the underlying issue.

Since your daughter is willing to sell her items, then let her and use this as an opportunity to teach and learn. Have her set up a mock store or garage sale and give her stickers to price accordingly. You can take her to garage sales in the area so she can get a good idea on pricing. Set a date. Have/help her make signs to place around the house. Make sure that she has a box or envelope in order to make change & a paper or receipt book so that she can add up all of the items that she sells to you. This will help with learning money & business.

As she is beginning this process of sorting & labeling, mention that you are available to assist if she needs anything. She may take you up on the offer & this will help with your bonding. If she doesn't, then she may be trying to prove that she is a big girl in control or even that she is doing something for you to be proud of, all by herself. Either way, as long as she knows that you are available, willing and supportive of her decision, you are keeping the lines open & building your relationship with her.

After the process, ask her what she would like to do with the remaining items. Oh, don't forget to praise what a good job she did. It was a lot of work after all. Offer one suggestion, such as "Did you know that there is a shelter where kids and their moms go when their dads aren't so nice to them? Sometime they have to sneak out in the middle of the night and they have to leave all the things that they love and they never get them back. I know that these clothes(toys, supplies)would really be loved if that was their new home. It is just a thought." Give her time to digest that information. She may not jump on it right away. She may just want to bag them up and keep them. Fine. Let her & happily offer your services in help put them away. Treat it like her decision was not a big deal. This offers support & love.

It is likely that she will come back to you and say that she may have a few items to give to the shelter. Tell her that's great and then mention that you may have some things as well. Take them together & don't forget to mention how proud you are of her decision. This may work the first time, it may not, but if it doesn't don't give up. Persistent love & support will begin to manifest in a more willing child.

Warmly,
S.

Why would your 8-year old be entitled to earn money from selling her clothes? Did she buy them with money that she had earned? If so, then they are her's and she is entitled to make a profit on the sale of these items. But, if not, then the clothes, books, what have you are your's and your husband's and you are the ones letting her use these items and you are the ones that can decide what happens to them when it comes time to pass them on down.

I have two children also and I do know that that the word "mine" comes up an awful lot in our household. And I have a little daughter who constantly has to be reminded that she can ask for things but she cannot demand. It's a constant struggle to remind them about the concepts of being "grateful for what you have or you won't have anything," and the good karma of giving what you no longer need to other kids who need them (I'm a big believer of this). Lately, I've started yoga and spiritual based philosophies with them in the hope that I will teach them to be more people and life experience oriented than thing oriented. There are some great story books on Amazon that teach these concepts and I'm sure that your library may have some of them as well.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

If you can afford to then I would not hand-down. Each child is better off with her own things, her own identity, her own uniqueness in family photos, etc. I would be especially reluctant to give things from your non-biological child to your biological child. They are half sisters, and perhaps the first is feeling displaced by her sister, and since she has already had to give up her place as her Daddy's only girl, she should not have to give up anything more. Those are her things. Growing up should be celebrated -- she shouldn't be punished for changing sizes. I grew up in a yours, mine and ours type family & the dynamic is tricky to say the least. Tread lightly, and gently and lovingly. The things you do now, will be remembered for a lifetime. Best of luck to you and your girls!

The 8 yo is old enough to understand...ask her if SHE paid for all her things herself...and if some of the things came from her other mom, ask your husband what to do...myself, I think having the little one pay for hand me downs is selfish...of course, I am the baby of the family.

You've probably had lots of good responses already, but I just wanted to add my perspective. I got the impression you were a "blended family", and that may be why the 8 year old is more possessive of her things than you would like. She has already had to share a parent with a new family member, lose a parent, at least part of the time, and she may just need to have her things around to feel secure until she is more sure of herself in the situation. I wouldn't force it. Books are cheap, let her sell them at a garage sale and get some money for them, and buy your other child new things. She could have a lending library that she would let the little sib use until garage sale day, if she was willing. As a youngest child, it used to burn me up to never get anything that was my own, from teacher's recognition to winter coats. I was always somebody's little sister, and never recognized for my own qualities until they were all out of the house and I was in High School, NOT the High School that they all went to. I say, she doesn't have to hand down. It will just create resentment. Let her keep her stuff until her room is too crowded, then watch a makeover show with her like "clean sweep" or "Clean House", and help her weed out the things she really does not need any more. But let her decide what to do with them. Sell them, trash them, or give them to charity. She may (or may not) come around to seeing that some of the items might benefit her sister, and feel that it was OK for her to have them. If you force it, it is almost sure to backfire. Good luck, B.

Just becaus her sister is playing with some thing she is not getting rid of it she is sharing it did she buy these things youdid so they are your yours nnot hers teach her to share or she will be a very unhappy person. It your job to be a proper mother i raised 4 who wonderf adults who care about eacher and the rest of their families at 85 i feal wonderful aboutit A. no hills

You are on the right path, by talking to your daughter rather than forcing her to do anything. You cannot force a child to come to an understanding of empathy or to come to a feeling of gratitiude and abundance. These states happen naturally when we have the opportunity to feel them intrinsically first. We can then reach a state of overflowing with that feeling so that we are able to exhibit the behavior spontaneously.

You may enjoy reading Naomi Aldort's book "Raising Our Children, Rasing Ourselves." One other good book is by Mazlish: "Siblings without Rivalry"

I think you will love these books, and they will help with so much of what you will be facing with your girls.

Lots of Love,
Linda

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

Sorry I know I am late and didn't read all the suggestions but my first thought was she is I'm sure very upset about having a new mom & sister to have to share her dad with and now you want to give HER things to her sister too. How long have you been her step-mom & is her mom even around. Yes she needs to learn to share but at the same time she is trying to hold on to what little she has from her past. Maybe you could make it something special like your giving your sister 5 books lets go shopping and get you 5 new books that you like. At least you are teaching her to share & only having to buy one set of new books. Do you know any family members or friends who have an older daughter that would be willing to give her some hand me downs maybe that will help her feel better also. Hope these suggestions help. Good luck