I am at the tipping point of ending my marriage. I have been through a lot and I am tired. Im tired of the inconsideration, selfishness, and unfairness. This brings me to tonight. At 10:00 p.m., I havent heard from him all day. Just put the kids to bed. I called a couple of times no answer. So finally the last time he picks up. I said are you alright? He replies that he was down the street (from his mom's) looking at the game and he left his phone at his mom's. I told him that if I did that to you, you wouldn't like it. He would blow his top literally! If you only knew the hell that I have gone through with him over the years. I am so pissed. He claims he will be home shortly. Should I be upset? What next steps should I take after I calm down?
Ok, I calmed down alot, but still very displeased. I didn't say anything to him when he came home last night. He tried to act like everything was ok, so I shunned him off and went to sleep. I was thinking of all kinds of crazy ideas to do for him to get the message that it is not ok to do that. He apologized on the phone, but it wasn't like a truly sorry. It was just ok sorry as if its not a big deal. It is the principle that makes me upset because I know how he would have acted if I did that. I woke up and spoke good morning how are you happily which is not my norm. I was thinking kill with kindness, but it didn't last. I ended up being short and dry with him as he left for work today. I should be able to feel better once I go get my hair done and shop. LOL
Hmmm, don't want to open a can of worms but...
...if he makes a habit of being incommunicado, I would wonder what he's up to, if you know what I mean.
But yes, you should be upset. Unless this is the first and only time he's ever done this. Not normal for a guy with small kids to be out until 10:00 not notifying the wife of where he is.
I don't know how old you are or how long you have been married. But that shows no respect for you. Have a calm conversation. Get counseling if you want to save this marriage.
If this is how he is ALL the time why did you marry him?
When did this start?
What part can you play to fix it?
Just remember we all create our own happiness and you cant depend on someone else to do that for you.
He's doing what he wants to do to get through.
You need to do the same.
We need the 'hell' you've gone thru to completely understand the situation. Right now, he's late and didn't call..that's not enough for a divorce.
I'm not trying to undermine what you are feeling. I just can't give any input w/o the whole picture.
I do hope things get better for you...
Wow, communication here is not good. I usually know my husbands whole day. If hes going to be gone the whole day I have a right to know that. Sounds pretty bad. Only you know whats best for you and your family. You said you have been through hell. Life is too short to be miserable. But, if you think the relationship could be salvaged (without you still being miserable) I encourage you to do so. Divorce is a horrible thing to go through, but sometimes for the best. Good luck girl! I wouldnt be happy either.
go out tomorrow....leave him with the kids & 'forget' your phone at home, woops.
OR just learn to accept it & move one with or without him
I'm not reading anything about how terrible he is. A husband being selfish with his time and inconsiderate is not really (in my opinion, and the Bible's) grounds for divorce. I mean, maybe it's a vicious cycle with the two of you...
...for example, he's late, so you (understandably) get pissy, which makes you act like a you-know-what, so then he gets upset because who wants to come home to that, so he spends more time away and "forgets" his phone so he doesn't have to hear it, which in turn makes you more angry.
I am just being honest, and I have some very good advice for you.
Instead of focusing on how terrible he is, focus on being the BEST WIFE you can be. Be pleasant ALL of the time, whether you want to or not. Cook his meals, take care of his children, clean his home, etc. Most men respond to this by being caring, affectionate...and by being a real man. (I'm not saying ALL men...I'm sure there are some jerks out there.) YOU, being the woman, have TOTAL POWER over everything...but that's for you to know, not him. You can totally change his behavior by changing yours.
Say nothing tonight.
Sit an write out your and your husbands "rules".
Make an appointment, without kids present, to discuss rules.
Do this in a calm, to the point, manner.
See if it works.
If not...take the next step. After that, that REALLY IS all you can do.
Oh girl, that is in NO way ok! That is so selfish, irresponsible... I don't blame you for being pissed, I'd be LIVID! He has a wife & kids, how dare he not tell you where he is and be completely out of reach like that! Unacceptable!
Yes, if that's how he is all the time, I too would be considering separating. NOT ok!
When you describe your life as Hell that is all the sign you need. You know that your marriage is not working for you. A bad marriage usually doesn't get better unless both people want it and it seems like that is not the case with either of you. Your children need to see a healthy relationship so that they will know what to look for in a mate and how family life should be. Try counseling if not for the both of you then you go so that you can sort out your feeling a decide if Hell is where you want to live. God Bless
Read Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. It's short and quick read, and really, what can it hurt?
yes, you should be upset. this is not okay. he's not a toddler, but some of the same rules apply. WHEN you've calmed down, think of some appropriate consequences. i don't think tit-for-tat is an adult way to respond to this. but taking the kids and a doing a trial separation might be. if this has been going on for years, he clearly doesn't take your ire seriously.
obviously counseling is a good idea. i'd start there.
khairete
S.
First off think about some things...
Does he provide for you and your children?
Does he back you up in parenting?
Does he show you any attention/consideration/respect?
Does he make himself available at any given time during the week to your family or you?
Is he kind?
Do you provide for him and your children?
Do you back him up in parenting?
Do you show him attention/consideration/respect?
Do you make yourself available to him and/or the family any given time during the week?
Are you kind?
So think about it if you have alot of no's then consider if you still have enough for each other to make things work. If you have alot of yes's and you just need to reconnect and talk things over to let each other know what you need, then do that.
Also you say you are tired...is it of the relationship or is it Mommy tired and you need a break. Make sure weekly you take time to do something for you even if you are short of money, a walk by yourself can go a long way to recharge yourself, give you needed alone time, exercise that releases endorphins that help mood. Also if you aren't ready to call it quits yet, start living your life as alot of women don't and lose themself and start finding someone to blame and it is usually the spouse. While you may have kids, start doing things you want to do like school, figuring out what you want to be when you grow up and go for it, join a gym, do a dance class, just do something and get something going that you can feel energized again, it also gives you more conversation fodder than your child drew on the bathroom wall and it needs repainted.
Time do think hard about what you really want and if you want to be a single parent.(even if you believe you already are...it is different)
ground rules. I went thru a simmilar issue of paying attention to the time and letting me know where he is/when he will be home. I do not want to "keep tabs" on him I just want to know that he is alive and well. So we call it "My freak out time" when he is going out after work or with his friends I ask him "what time can I freak out at?" So we go from there if he says 10pm and he is not home by 10:15 or I have not heard from him then I start to call and he knows he is "in trouble" and basically the punishment fits the crime ... laundry for the week or dinner is on him etc type things.
it depends on if he normally helps put the kids to bed and you were expecting him home, if hes missing all day I would think hes cheating too, but if he mentioned he was going to be out late, than he shouldn't have to check in
I'll never forget the words of a co-worker one time when I overheard him speaking about doing something similiar. He said this. "It is easier to say sorry than to ask for permission" ~ so that really got me thinking that I didn't want my husband to feel that way. I didn't want him to not want to let me know what he wanted to do because I would be pissy about it or whatever. He should be able to go and watch the game every now and then without me getting all upset about it. Of course this shouldn't be happening all the time and he should be contributing to the family etc. - I am just saying - something to think about you know?? Anyways, sounds like you have a lot more going on than just this incident, but just wanted to give you a different perspective on this particular situation.
I would get angry as well - my husband and I both work. I pick the kids up and get them home and get dinner ready then my husband comes home. He's supposed to be off at 5:30 however there are times it's 7 or sometimes 7:15 before he gets home (we're only 20 miles from where we both work)....He'll never call to tell me he's late and if I try to call or text he won't respond knowing that because he's running late I'll get pissy and he doesn't want to hear it. I used to make a family meal but he'd always be late and then when he did get home he wouldn't eat.....So, I figured, I work, I'm tired so why in the heck am I doing this when it only hurts my feelings - I get home now and I make sure the kids get fed. He's on his own for dinner. I've also started asking "are you going to clean the kitchen or give the kids a bath.." - things like that. He's better but I still get frustrated.
Truthful and I am not trying to be mean, but I think you are rather childish, because I don't think you are not comunicating like you should. You are giving him the silent treatment AFTER he apologies. He isn't a mind reader, you should calmly tell him how you feel, and you would appreciate a call when he doesn't come home at a certain hour. Granted...I think he should have called to let you know where he is, which is respectful. I think your marriage needs open communication and honestly. I felt the same as you at one point...if both parties cut down on attitudes...and communicate and stop assuming that the other person knows how each other feels...your household would be a happier place.
You should definitely be upset! I wouldn't tolerate that behavior at all. He's acting like a bachelor with no responsibilities. You said you are at the tipping point, so he needs to know that. Sit him down and spell it out for him. Tell him you are perfectly serious about wanting a divorce if this behavior continues. Lay down some ground rules about what you expect from him and keep track of how well he follows them. If he blows it off, that will tell you right there that he doesn't care. Good luck!
You don't say what your hellish life is like with him, but the situation you described would not work for most people. My husband and I check in w/ each other a couple times a day, mostly to say hello, but I always know what time he plans on being home and likewise. It's common courtesy and if you don't have that in your marriage, it will not work. I'd suggest some counseling to figure this all out if you haven't done it already. Good luck.
