Funerals... - Pennington,NJ

My sister died when her kids were almost 5 and almost 7. Their dad would not let them go to the wake or the funeral but were allowed to stand outside when the funeral procession passed the house. My niece told me a few years ago, now 20-something, that she always hated that she was not able to say goodbye to her mom. She wishes she had been able to go.
When my grandmother died, my older kids were 3 or 4. I took them with us to the wake and funeral. We had no problems and they were able to say goodbye. When my other grandmother died, they were 7 and also went to that funeral and wake. You would be amazed at how well children handle a funeral, especially when it is explained beforehand so they can understand. I agree with Grandma that the kids help make bad moments better but they should not have to carry it with them at all times. That makes the healing process take a long, long time. And playing at the cemetary? They should be taught to respect and honor.

An adult should not make this decision and the children should not be made to do something that would make them upset or uncomfortable in order to benefit an adult (make grandma feel better). This choice should be left up to the boys. They are old enough to decide for themselves whether they would like to go. They should each make an individual choice and that choice should be accepted, whether they both want the same thing or not. Children should never be made to go to to a funeral, but if they want to go, they should not be kept from it. Please let them decide.

I agree with Melissa. If the grandmother wants them there just to make her feel better, that is selfish. They can spend time with her before or after the service.

Who's funeral are we talking about here? Someone close to them that they know and love, yes, they should go, they need closure. Dragging them to 'old Mrs. Smiths' funeral, a person they maybe met once or don't know at all, no, but not for the reasons you're describing.

You're technically the girlfriend if you're not married, so you don't have 'step mom' authority (sorry). This is up to your boyfriend and the grandmother, whoever has legal custody of those kids.

Kids grieve differently than we do. I don't see the harm in 'playing cemetery' if that's how they cope. Better than flipping out and cutting themselves, you know? As long as they're not being self destructive, they're doing okay. Kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for. Of course they're sad their mom's gone, but 'playing cemetery' is not a negative thing here, nor should they be banned from future funerals just because of that.

Also, seriously messed up of Grandma and dad to put their happiness in children's hands. That's an unfair burden on children.

There's way more to this than what you just said.

There's no right answer to this.

It's not only different for every kid and family, but can change per the funeral.

What hits me though is 2 things:

1) If gma is more concerned with how the children make OTHERS feel, instead of how they themselves feel... her opinion gets nixed.

2) If she's just trying to allay your fears of disruption to others / trying to let you know children are welcome and appreciated, then that's something to consider (I've lost a LOT of people, there are different vibes/expectations at funerals), but how much sway it would have would depend on the situation.

The playing in the cemetery thing is pretty normal/healthy in MOST situations. It takes the scary out of things and teaches that it's okay to still be happy/play. Many people view cemeteries as very sad places. The children I know who have lost parents split into two basic camps: those who love cemeteries / it's a place to share happy memories / play/ share difficult times... and those who are terrified and traumatized by cemeteries and completely shut down. If your stepkids (boyfriend's children? I;m a little unclear as to your relationship to them) are PLAYING at the cemeteries, that bodes pretty well for them forming a healthy relationship with death and memories.
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Per your add: No. I do all those things for nieces, nephews, neighbor kids I've nannied for, my goddaughter... kids who I've spent YEARS with, who have lived with me... and I have absolutely NO SAY in their lives. That's their parent's job/decision. I can offer my opinion (sometimes! Most of the time it's far far wiser not to)... but that's all it is. I have no RIGHT to my opinion. Not until or unless I am their guardian. Neither do grandparents, friends, babysitters, etc have any right to say how my son should be raised. Be very very careful here. A good rule of thumb is : Nanny (or Aunt, school teacher, friend of the family, etc.)? Yes. Those roles are similar. Parent? No. Most people like kids and want to jump in... that's VERY dangerous ground.

Depends on the kid and the relationship. My cousin was 3 when his dad died. He did not attend. The rest of us (13 on up) did. I don't remember my stepkids' first funeral. I was under 8 when I went to my first funeral. We sat in the back and did not go up to the casket. My mom told me it was like church, but sadder, so I could cry, but no goofing off. I've taken DD to a memorial service (at 3) but there was no body and I took her out when she got squirmy. It was for my DH's aunt.

What about offering to bring them to the reception instead of the service? If their father doesn't think it's a good idea, then the buck stops with him re the funeral itself.

They lost their mom, right? I think that their playing "funeral" is a way of processing the loss. I wouldn't be creeped out, but look for overall signs that they are not coping well.

It may also be that the Grandmother is feeling extra sad because she's lost her daughter and her daughter's children are her link to what she lost. Maybe a visit to Grandma after the funeral is in order?

I think they should go. A funeral is more than a ceremony for the deceased. It is also a time to celebrate that person's life and reconnect with other family members who can give them love and a lot of kisses. Their mother died under unnatural circumstances, this is a different kind of funeral. When their great grandfather's name comes up in the future, they will remember there was closure. In addition, you will not be scoring any points by going against the grandmother's wishes and you will need her support as time goes on. You sound warm and caring, good luck.

Hmmm... I dont think their is a "right" answer. I dont see anything wrong with them going but I'm sure there is plenty of reasons to keep them home too.

Do you think that you could ask them? "Hey... Uncle so and so's funeral is Saturday, do you want to go? Its a chance to say goodbye and visit with relatives. Lots of people may be really sad but when your sad, its sometimes nice to be around other people you care about. Its up to you. If you want to go, you can, or you can do xyz."

I dont see anything wrong with playing in a cemetary. We used to do that growing up...

I think it matters on how close you and your boys were to the second person who just passed. Your 9 year old can decide if he wants to go or not and if you are not close to the person then you can stay home with your 5 year old. If they were close to the person I think they should go say good bye, hug a few people and leave. No need for them to dwell. I hate to say this but it is not healthy for them to be spending so much time in the cemetery. Their grandmother is greiving, I can't blame her but to be making them spend hours there isn't good for either them or her. They need to start remembering their mother's life, not her death. In all honestly I only see 3 reasons for the boys to go to their mothers grave. Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and her Birthday. Clean up a little, leave a rose, say a prayer and live life for her.

Talk to your BF and see what he thinks. Come to an agreement between you both and let him take it to Grandmother. You'll need him if you both decide to do something opposite to the Grandmother's desires, because this was her daughter and you're an outsider, not even their stepmother. and it could get very very ugly and painful for everyone with such raw emotions being tied to this situation.

Children deal with death a lot differently than adults do. My children attended my dad's funeral and my oldest was 7 and his cousins where older and younder than him. It was their time to say good bye too.

I'm sure you're doing the best you can do don't feel badly!

I personally never have shielded my kids from funerals. It's a part of life. Loss is part of life. It's us that can make it traumatic for them. I explained to my son at a very young age my view on death and the afterlife. His reaction: "Oh." and he skipped along his merry way.

Hope this insight helps. God bless!

About 15 months ago my grandfather died. My kids at the time were 9 & 11 years old, so clearly old enough to understand exactly what was going on. They very very close with him as the only great-grandchildren on that side of the family. I talked with both of them about what they could expect at the memorial (no actual funeral/gravesite) & asked whether or not they wanted to attend. They both chose not to, but did want to come to the dinner afterwards to spend time with everyone. That was 100% fine with me. I would never dream of forcing a child of any age to attend a funeral, especially not just to make myself feel better.

If it isn't for someone they know well, then there is no reason to go out of your way to have them attend the funeral. If it was a matter of you or husband needing to attend and you couldn't find a babysitter that would be different. Especially considering they lost their mother, a funeral
Is likely to magnify that experience again. They can see their grandmother at another time to make her pain more bearable, at the actual funeral is not the most appropriate, from my understanding of the situation.

I would bring the children and tell whomever you need to that if they are upset in any way you will leave immediately. I think it is good for them to attend and see first hand that we all loose people. I agree with grandma, she wants support from all of her family thru this.
My son went to my gmother's at 7months, dad's gfather's at 4, and dad's gma's at 5 - we would have attended his second cousins as well but had a wedding out of state that we already paid for to attend the same day. Is it sad, yes will it drum up old feelings yes, it is all in how the adults handle it.

Bonus to our family Funeral Home, there is a park across the street the kids go to when they get restless - I wonder if there is something simmilar for you (and a mcdonalds' if we have a winter funeral).

i think theyre still young enough where if they dont want to go i wouldnt make them.. my parents didnt make me go to funerals til was around 12.. and only for family... i would say up until i was like a senior in high school if it was a funeral for someone outside the family that i didnt know very well i didnt go unless i wanted to

I think it depends on the child, how it will affect them, adn their relationship with the deceased. I don't think it depends on their age alone. It's their great grandmother so it is reasonable to attend (especially the 9 year old) but since they don't know her well, it is also reasonable to not attend. I would ask the children what they wanted to do and let that be the main deciding factor. I would lean towards attending the visitation part of the services and not the funeral services themselves. I agree you should have some input but the final decision should come from Dad (especially since this involves the biological mom' family).

I also think that although they naturally live with their mother's death everyday, I hope they remember her life rather than dwell on her death. Playing for hours in the cemetary does not sound healthy.

Hi new-

I guess my question would be...has someone died? And what is the 'kiddos' relationship? Not necessarily 'family' or not...how close?

I personally think attending a funeral...particularly when they are young...and maybe not so 'close' is a wonderful learning opportunity...generally speaking (gosh...that sounded morbid to type)...

BUT...sounds as though these kiddos have already been 'exposed' to death...and in one of the MOST difficult ways for ANYONE to process and deal with.

I would recommend a children's grief support group of some kind (thru local hospital...or even a church) if they are dealing with residual feelings surrounding their mom's death.

IF someone else has passed...I have some books that I can recommend...

let me know!

Best luck!
michele/cat

ask the children if they want to go....if so, take them... if not...then find a safe place for them to stay, or stay with them. don't make them go if they don't want to.

hugs

Talk to them about and see if they have a strong feeling either way. If you do take them let them leave if they get uncomfortable. I might let them skip any open casket parts if that is an issue. If they don't go you could bring them to the reception afterwards.

I wouldn't take them. They are still on that roller coaster from loosing their mom which in itself takes a long time to come to terms with as a child, then you come into the picture which is probably a good thing but again another change and that is hard and now taking them to yet another funeral, not on your life. When I was a kid my father passed away, to this day I can't handle going to them, I have flashbacks of when my father passed. The impact it has had on me will be forever imbedded, don't do it to those boys, especially the 5 year old.

Let the kids take the lead. Let them decide if they want to attend. If either decides to attend, you still have to let them decide if they want to view the body or not. Never force anyone, child or adult to attend a funeral or view a body. Funerals can be devistating if someone isn't ready for it. If one wants to go and the other doesn't, then let one stay home with somebody. Part of death is living, so they really need to not be surrounded by death; eventhough, it is their own mother's. Their mother would not want them to stop living. Celebrate life, including living memories of their mom instead of death.

They should go. You and their dad need to sit down with them before hand and explain things in a kid friendly way. My 3 y.o. Son, baby daughter and cousins who are 8,11, and 18 months (at the time) attended the funeral of their great grandmother. There were also 3 close family friend children their also, which surprised me. My son even sat for the service which was open casket. I was planning on keeping my son in another room for the service, but he was fine with it. He kinda had this look like he wasn't quite sure what was happening because he would look at the casket and look at us. He was close with her too. And children (well behaved ones) do make funerals a bit lighter on those feeling sad. Ultimately it's up to you but I don't think they will be scarred for going. It's a natural part of life and just treat it as so. You don't sugar coat things but talk about things in a way they can understand and won't get scared from.

anytime a step parent questions thier role - the answer is always the same. Offer your opinion to your partner, but defer thier judgement. If you're bf feels they don't need to go, then back him up. These poor boys can't be responsible for grammas happiness. You can offer a compromise - how about after the funeral, we pick the kids up and go out to eat.

parents should deceide not granny
i guess if it was not a close relative i would keep them away