Frustrated

T.,
First I commend you for working and keeping the house not dirty! I have a hard time keeping up my house and I'm here all day! My husband is just as bad as your man, he doesn't even put his dish in the dishwasher when I'm standing there loading it! I'll tell you what I do to make it more manageable.
I only due laundry on Friday Saturday and Sunday. I wash and dry and fold load after load and then put it all away Sunday night after the kids are in bed. What doesn't get done in those days sits until the next week. My husband has learned this the hard way, sometimes he puts his dirty stuff on the floor in the closet and it doesn't get washed. I have baskets for dirty stuff and there isn't one on the closet floor :-) I will NOT be a slave to the washer/dryer!
I keep the dishes washed daily. I may only do them once a day but at some point each day they are all clean. The pots and pans may be in the dry rack, but they're clean!
Bathrooms get a full cleaning once a week. I'll hit the toilet with a clorox wipe if company is coming but that's about it.
My kids toys are another story. I push things aside all day while I tell them to clean them up. If they don't do it during the day they do it all before bed. Which to them means no TV and less story time. They don't like that so they usually pick up through the day. My youngest is only 2 and she helps. You should have your 2 year old help too. Putting toys in the toy box is not too much to ask of a 2 year old.
As for dusting and running the vacuum, I do it once a week, usually on Friday. I do sweep with a broom in the kitchen almost every day.
You just have to break the house stuff down into small jobs so it doesn't seem so overwelming to you. If you still have boxes to unpack, decide a number that is workable to empty each day and do it. Even if it's only a box a day, they will be gone at some point. Tell him that you're doing the best you can and if he could help a bit with the every day stuff like doing the dishes, you'd have time to unpack the boxes and get rid of the clutter. Also, take a vitiman every day if you aren't all ready to help with your energy level later in the day. I find that doing some form of exercise helps my energy level. My kids love when I lift them up on my feet while I'm laying on my back. I have to walk a few blocks for the mail and that give me a little pick me up. Good luck to you, I hope this gave you some ideas to help in your situation!
Rachelle

Two things
First-check out flylady.net She has a great philosophy on keeping a home clean. Even if you only use some ideas, it will change your household. One idea of hers is to break a task into 15 minutes. Set a timer and start working on unpacking one of those boxes. Once the timer goes off you can either stop knowing that you didn't waste all your free time unpacking or keep going because you're on a roll.

Second-realize men and women are different. It took quite a few counseling sessions for my husband and I to get over this one. Some men have to be asked to help with housework and that will never change. Tell him specifically what you need help with and do it before you get so ticked off you sound bitchy.
Good luck! And I agree, definetly figure this out befoe you tie the knot.

THis may sound like a silly question, but are you giving him enough sex? My husband complains about everything if he's not, but when he is satisfied in the bedroom, he wouldn't care if I didn't clean for a month!

Hi T.! I just read your request and my heart goes out to you! Its not easy keeping up with everything all the time! You are not alone!! I have 3 children myself and it gets pretty crazy around here(Some weeks are worse than others)! I was reading about how tired you are all the time. I had the same issue a few years ago. All I ever wanted to do was SLEEP! I was talking with another mom at a park one day about it and she recommended a nutrtional supplement called the ESSENTIALS from Usana Health Sciences. I never really took vitamins before but agreed to try them. I have been using them for 5 years now. I was actually very anemic before, however, I am no longer anemic! I never knew much about supplements before but have really learned a lot these past few years. I make my kids and husband take them too! If you would like more information about them you can go to my website at bhooyer.usana.com or e-mail me at ____@____.com and I can send you more info. I hope your day went well for you today!
Blessings, B. H.

T.,

My husband does not really help a lot around the house either. I even do most of the yard work and take out the trash. Now being a stay at home mother it makes for a little bit more time to keep up with the house but not much when I'm trying to keep up with a 9 month old. (I can't imagine what it will be like when he is 2) So, I guess my suggestion to you is that he will not change. You can't go into a marriage thinking that someone will change because they won't. Trust me! I know from experience. My husband's family even told me run now while you still can. You know that he does not do a thing and he won't change. So, if you love him unconditionally you will accept all his great qualities and also his flaws. But, he has to accept that of you as well.

Thank goodness my husband is very relaxed when it comes to the house. He is really not very demanding. I am not nearly as neat as his mother but he accepts that. He is happy as long as things are semi picked up, he has underwear to put on and he has a clean shirt and tie for work. I always remind him that he can't be too demanding. Especially since he doesn't help much. He does step up when necessary though. Just the little things most of the time but every little bit helps. Be patient and remember to sit down with your fiance and talk about what each of you expect from one another. Remember though, one of the leading causes for divorce is the unfulfillment of expectations set by one spouse and/or both. Basically unrealistic expectations not being met. I heard this on Dr. Phil. LOL. Good luck! Again, love and respect is what really matters in a marriage (in my opinion). All the other stuff is just accessories that need to be dealt with. Take care dear! I hope I helped you a little bit.

D.

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O T., I was in the same boat, trust me it don't change! If he is like this now think about what he will be like later on in life. I am a single mom of a very busy 6yr old. I work full time, and if he can't help you out, then theres the caveman issue. Do you ask for help? If you do and he still does not help then I would reconsider the situation. I'm not saying leave him, but sit down and ask his expectations of you now and later on. What if you have kids by this man, are you going to be the only one doing the mom duties and house work? Ask him what he wants from you and a wife. Good luck

You are a single mom and working. This is a joint venture and he needs to recognize this. Why should you have to do everything. He needs to do his part as your better half and help out.

I say if you both work full time, what does he expect, and I would come right out and ask him that? If he wants the house spotless, he should do his share!

Wow. As much as you probably don't want to hear it, "He always makes reference to not wanting to get married if this is how its gonna be but he never really says well baby let me wash the dishes or load the dish washer or what ever." ~ this is a BAD sign. Before getting married my husband and I went through a pre-marital class and one of the things they told us was to make a list of the things our fiances did that we wish they would change. Then, go over the list and pick out any behavior they had that, if they NEVER changed, we would want out of the marriage. If you had ANY of those, you should seriously reconsider marrying that person. Their point was that, if you wouldn't want to be married to them the way they are right now, then you probably shouldn't marry them at all. Going into a marriage expecting the other person to change is a recipe for disaster.
Him saying that is purposely very hurtful; and, even though it MIGHT, you can't go into the relationship expecting that kind of behavior to change. If you've talked about it "constantly" and it's only getting worse, I would call that a pretty big red flag. Right now it's how you keep the house, later it will be how you raise the kids, how you cook the dinner or how you fold his clothes.
Of course, this is just my opinion, but I would be remiss if I didn't speak straight up to you about it. This is the BIGGEST decision you will ever make and it not only affects you, but it will also affect your child, and future children, for the rest of their lives. When considering this, you need to take into consideration not only your own feelings and desires, but what effects it will have on your child. Good or bad, everything you do effects your child, and that should be the lense through which you view all of your decisions from this point forward.
God bless you and your family! I hope you are able to resolve this issue soon. The last thing a full time working mother of a 2 year old needs is more stress!! :o)

Tell him to pound sand!! You are not the maid. you are the working mom whom he is supposed to love and respect. He needs to get off his little tootie and HELP YOU!!

I have never been a good housekeeper: when I was a child, my mother and father were both professionals and kept things "not messy" but not necessarily neat or clean. Now as a mom with two kids, I clean in spurts, but find it hard to stay dedicated to the job of housekeeper.

Sounds like maybe you're subconsciously procrastinating unpacking your boxes, and maybe your gut is telling you this guy may not be the one for you. Maybe you feel trapped because he's helping cover the rent? Maybe he feels and has even said, if he's paying the rent, then you need to "do your share." Marriage shouldn't be about doing your share, it should be about two people who want to be together and want to help one another. He should not make you feel like a kept woman, and frankly, I hope you're stronger than that!

Luckily, my husband not only helps, he is much better at cleaning than I am. We compliment each other pretty well; I'm a micro-organizer, finding places to put things, organizing drawers and closets and sorting and washing clothes. He picks up toys, takes out trash, folds clothes and does the dishes. Every great once in a while we'll argue about something household related, but I know I'm pretty darn lucky to have a helpful guy around the house.

Loving your partner means loving them in a dump OR in a palace! Housekeeping should not be an issue and I think its a red flag, honestly. It would be different if you didn't work but you do. I would tell him that you are exhausted most days and ask that he help you out if it bothers him so much. If he is putting conditions on marriage that isn't even in existence yet, maybe you should give it another thought!!
~L.

Girl i feel you on this one. I don't know if you thought about this or not but is it possible that you may have fibromyalgia. Don't let your man tick you off with the house work stuff. If he doesn't like it then he can either help out with what needs to be done or go to his own place. Is he a neat freak? I really do think that the two of you should have a very serious talk about the subject because it surely will only continue to cause problems in your relationship, trust and believe me because i have been where you are and it only get worse. What does he do when he comes over? Is there time allowed in his visiting for him to assist you with the house work? Does he just sit around and complain about what the house looks like, but does nothing about it? If he does start to clean up or put away stuff do you jump right in to assist him? If not you should, that way he won't feel as if you don't care. There is never enough time in a day but two is always better than one when it comes to everything but sleeping.:}:}stay blessed and enjoy your day.

Red flag--work this out before you say I do. If he expects you to work full time, take care of the child, and keep the house immaculate, (he probably wants you to take care of him too when he gets home), he needs a reality check. You are only human. You are not his maid or personal slave. He needs to stop griping and start helping. I'll bet you give it 110% at work, so that leaves you with little energy when you get home. How about this for an trade off: He get a better paying job so that you don't have to work outside the home so you can keep the house how he likes it? Also, if he talks about it so much, tell him to do less talking and more cleaning!

Best wishes,

MC

Unfortunately a lot of men are not the best about helping around the house but if they complain about it and don't do anything that is a problem. I would say to tell him to do some cleaning then cause you are tired and busy. He needs to help with stuff and if there are issues now I would say resolve them before you get married. Good luck

If it bothers him so much, he should help out or pay for a cleaning lady. I don't work, I stay at home with two kids and my house is not what you'd call "tidy". I do my best, but it's hard even without working at a separate job. Kids need a lot of attention and of course you're tired! I'd get these kind of issues talked out before you get married, it can become bigger afterwards. It took my husband and I a long while to hammer out the chores when we first moved in together, but we've found a good space. If he expects you to work all day, care for the child at night AND keep the house immaculate then he needs to stop dreaming. Either you work at it together or get a cleaning lady and don't argue about it. My parents both worked, and it was on the weekends when we'd clean the house together as a family. I always tell myself it'll be easier as the kids get older too and can chip in, and won't need as much attention. Good luck!

You might want to rethink about marrying him.

Hi T.,
I am a SAHM of 5 girls, 4 under the age of 4 and am always trying to find time to organize. When I lived in an appartment with just my oldest daughter and worked full time I had the same problem you did! It's hard to get things done working full time. What I found out worked best for me was just picking up the days worth of toys, dishes, whatever, before I went to bed, but had some time to relax. Then on the Sundays (when my daughter was with her father) I would reall do a good "clean". Bathroom, laundery, ect, ect. Soon I realized that I felt better and things were where they should be and it wasn't that hard to keep the house clean! Maybe you 2 should talk about it and if you both help clean up at the end of the day and if he could watch your son for a few hours on the weekend so you could do a quick over you both would feel better and things would get taken care of. But he needs to help out too, it's not just your job to clean the house when you both live there, it would be one thing if you were a stay at home mom and had time to get things done, but you not and you work too. Maybe sitting down and desiding together what needs to be done and who is going to do what will help things out. I wish you all the luck!

Make a "chore chart" and include him. You work full-time too so there is NO excuse for him to not help out. If He is acting this way now, or thinks sharing the chores is unreasonable, then maybe you are in for a miserable marraige. If he dumps you over it, there will be someone better.

I think no matter if you are a SAHM or a working mom... the keyword is MOM and that's a very tiring job. I stay home with 2 kids - 4 and 1- and I also do daycare 2 days a week. I run kids to and from preschoo, naptimes, lunches, doctors appointments, volunteering at school, plus the household chores and finances. My house is no where near CLEAN. On a daily basis there are dishes needing to be washed, toys spread all over, laundry needing folding. Having an untidy house is nothing to worry about/feel bad about/or fight about when you have young children. It's just simply how it is for most moms. Maybe try setting a cleaning day at your house... like every Saturday morning is clean time and that when you make your home spotless for the week to come, so as it starts to 'pile up' through the week your fiance (who SHOULD be helping) knows that it will be clean as of Saturday.

Even though he doesn't live with you, if it's such a bother for him- he needs to pitch in. My husband is very helpful- but not on his own. :o) I have to say "honey, would you mind doing the dishes after dinner while I give the kids their bath?" or "While I'm folding the kids 6 loads of laundry (lol) can you please get the vacuuming done so we can all get to bed on time tonight?"

Good Luck!

I am bothered that he'd threaten to not marry you because you can't do it all. That feels wrong. You are doing a ton between work, your baby, and just keeping the house clean.

Have you thought about counseling to help you work through this stuff if talking with him isn't helping? Maybe a 3rd party voice might wake him up some.

HI,

I'm now a grandmother to 19 and a mom to 8. I once felt exhausted all of the too. Have you seen a doctor? For me, taking thyroid really helped. Maybe you have a physical reason that you are so tired.

Why don't you have your fiance pick up your child a few days a week . . and then you'll have some time to get organized.

K.