Friendship - Long Story

Sounds like she befriended you following the old saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" if she suspected there was more between you two. I woud not try to contact her again--her loss.

From the way I'm reading your post, yes she may be jealous but she could also be hurt. She, as well as you, know that you and your roommate became distant over the years and your BFF took your roommates place as a friend. This one time you went to her husband instead of her for advise. You should have gone to her or both of them, not just him since you hadn't gone to him for anything else in a very long time. As for her going ove the deep end, maybe she is jealous but wasn't worried because it was you and her. When you went to him for advice she became insecure and had doubts. Either way I think you should try to talk with her, and apologize for not asking her what to do first. It's sad to see a 15 year year friendship end this way. Good luck. I'm glad you have a good happy family and marriage.

Her perspective: she's insecure.

If you're still so sad, maybe you should call her. Maybe since 2 years have passed you two can be friends again.

It's sad to think that she must be very insecure about her own marriage to react this way. Did you also talk to her about these "problems"? Maybe that is why she reacted like that. ?? I think if she was your BFF, you should call & at least try to talk it over. Be honest and open. Apologize for anything you did that caused her to feel that way. Sometimes, to save a friendship, you have to take the high road and eat a little crow. Yes, you can stand firm and make your point, but what will that solve? Good luck!

I'm sorry you lost your friend, but it almost sounds like the old saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". She viewed you as the competition and kept you close so that she would know what was going on. Once you "went behind her back" she felt she had lost that control.

My guess is if your problem at been issues at work, or with family, or trying to come up with gift ideas for your husband she probably wouldn't have freaked out. Because it was "marital issues" she probably thought you were trying to start something with her husband. Think about how many TV movies about affairs start with one party saying to the other "my husband just doesn't understand me" or "doesn't pay attention to me". I'm just saying if she was already insecure about her marriage and your place in her husband's life this would be just the thing to push her over the edge.

Good luck,
K.

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this. It's sad to see her not trusting her husband or you, especially after so many years of friendship. Makes me wonder if she was ever your friend or if she was just playing along to make sure you couldn't talk to him, since she was jealous. I would send her a letter or an email, laying out your feelings, let her know that you are very confused by her response and ask her to get together with you to work it all out. Put the ball back in her court. If she doesn't respond to you or won't talk to you in person, then it might just be best for you to move on, as painful as it is.

Before I even read Karen B's explanation I knew she was going to say "Friends close, Enemies closer". Unfortunately Tammi that is exactly what has happened. When you contacted her husband without her knowing you probably stirred up old insecurities within her.

Don't ever be sorry for the door closing on something you held dear to you. That simply means the best is yet to come!

As a general rule, PLEASE PLEASE and PLEASE always address the Wife or Girlfriend before speaking with their male counterpart. It's kinda a woman's code that says you respect what they have and have no intentions of going behind her back. Regardless of YOUR relationship with the man make sure the WAG is aware of the situation first.

That goes for not only just friendships, but when addressing strangers as well!

Tammi, I know how you feel. I am dealing with loosing a "friend" right now too. It's been 6 months for me. It's hard to admit to yourself that you really didn't have a true friendship with someone like you thought, when it ends. I bet you take friendships seriously, and that's why it hurts so much because you really were emotionally involved in the relationship and you found out the other one wasn't. I was asking my husband the other day, how to stop thinking about this person all the time, and he suggested I think of her as toxic, because when I do think about her, I get mad, sad, even a little depressed. Right now she is just toxic to my mind, and I have two beautiful boys and a great marriage, so I shouldn't let my toxic thoughts of her enter my mind, when I could be spending that time thinking of my babies. It is wasteful thinking of my brain to think about her, and after he told me this I really started thinking that way and I haven't thought about her much this last week. I feel for you and it really is painful when you thought you had a friend, but I bet you can now tell what the signs were, and are noticing all her emptiness she showed that you didn't pay attention too when you were friends. Good luck to you, and don't let thoughts of her waste your time thinking of happy thoughts!! :-)

P.S. It's also hard to admit that you don't want to be friends w/ someone like this, that you had sooo much fun with. Surface friends are fun to be with, but just that...surface!

Karen said it better than i ever could. i will chime in though: it's been two years since the incident, and you have lost your bff (roommate) because of this. i think you owe it to yourself, and him to try patch things up with his wife (your former friend). she probably needs to hear your side of the story. i wouldn't have acted like she did, if i were in her shoes, but i probably would have called you and asked why you didn't call me first. like you said, you two had become so close, that even your husband and your roommate felt like ignored when you two would get together. so goes without saying, that i would have expected you to call me first, and if two female brains wouldn't have come up with something, then you probably would have said well do you mind if i call joe (or whatever roommate's name is). that would have been best. the woman is insecure, and like karen said, she made sure she befriended you, to keep an eye on you two. or she simply isn't secure in her marriage. but in the end, you too have lost a valuable friendship, so that phone call, of it ever is going to take place, should come from you.
good luck

Oh, that is so sad. I know how you feel. I have had that happen to me too. I was the one in your shoes. The girl that your friend is married to is never going to believe you. It will never be the same again as she said things that should never come out of her mouth in rage. If she wanted to really know she should have asked a long time ago. I would still try to contact her as it may help, but I don't think she will let things go back to how they were. I feel for you. We sometimes just can't imagine how someone will react.

Kind regards,

W.

Hi Tammi
What a story... I am sorry to hear that you are still feeling sad about all that has happened. You still feel sad because your friendship with your ex-roomie and his wife are valuable to you. However, the wife sounds as if she is threatened by what you and your ex-roomie shared. (I mean most people marry their bestfriends). Maybe her insecurities about the relationship you two shared make her feel she cant compete, and she wants to be that woman for him. However, your intentions are nothing more than just friendship... But it sounds as if the has been holding on to these feelings for a long time.
Personally I don't think you are wrong for calling a friend, however maybe the access that the wife feels that you still have with her husband/your ex-roomie makes her uneasy.... Though you and your ex-roomies have been friends for 7 years, I think the new wife wants to feel validated that she is the only woman that can call him at work etc.etc. Please do not allow yourself to feel at fault...you did nothing wrong for confiding in a friend... America is depressed because no one listens anymore.
I would say, call your ex-roomie's wife/best friend... and speak with her woman to woman regarding the whole situation...all she probably need is to just know that you never had an alterior motive calling your ex-roomie and that she should not feel threatened by you... I am sure she wants to talk to you. If not then it proves she was probably never a friend anyway...

I am in construction and I had this woman call me... her husband was doing steel erection for me... however she was worried and wanted to know "Who I was"... Now I almost went G-H-E-T-T-O on her because the call was out of the blue... but I kept it as Profess. as possible only because I remember once upon a time, being that woman... so I told her woman to woman I am not interested in your man at all, you don't have to feel threatened, it is only work related and will never be anything other... I hung up thinking what the...? but realized I am sure she slept better and was at peace just knowing that she didn't have to compete with another woman...

So if it dosent hurt, be the bigger person and try and talk to her if she dosen't listen, remember, it has nothing to do with you but everything that makes the wife feel "threatened/competitive regarding you and e-r's friendship"

Keep your head up, if not... you have us on mamapedia! (smile) ok.?!

I can relate, over the years I have had friends come and go and it doesn't get easy, but you have to remember some people come in and out of your life for reason. Sometimes the purpose they have served is done so they no longer need to be in your life.

It's hard, but she is the one with the issue not you. It sounds more like she became your friend to keep an eye on you and make sure you didn't go near her husband..

Hang in there!