My step-daughter is 11 years old and is in 5th grade. She's pretty social, although she has a few close friends that she spends a bulk of her time with. Recently, there have been some problems with one of those friends. Problems that she can't seem to resolve right now, mostly personality conflicts, that make it so that she doesn't want to spend any time with this person other than what she spends with them at school. Problem is, I like this (I guess, ex) friend's mom and enjoy her company. My step-daughter lives with my husband and I full time, and rotates weekends with her mom every other week. So I pretty much have her all of the time. I want to spend time with the mother, but my step-daughter doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to spend time with that person. I don't know how to explain that to the mom so it doesn't hurt her feelings or how to make my step-daughter go and just deal with someone she doesn't get along with. I feel stuck and I don't know what to say but I don't want to ruin the friendship that I have with the mom. I know...it sounds so petty when I read it...but I really do feel stuck. I'm afraid that she won't want anything to do with me because my daughter doesn't like one of her kids. I'm not experienced in this at all, so any advice is appreciated. I know kids are fickle with their friendships, but I'm not very fickle with mine. Thank you in advance.
Thanks to everyone who responded to my question. Your kind words and honesty have helped me feel better about the situation. I haven't spent time with Mom in almost a month trying not to force my step-daughter to go and spend time with someone she doesn't like. I didn't want her to feel as if her opinion doesn't matter - because it does (which is why there is a conflict. If it didn't matter, I would just make her go over there so that I could hang out with the mom) - so I have just been making excuses to the mom why I don't come and see her. The best option is to just tell her the truth and hopefully she'll understand. It's not fair for me to keep giving her excuses to avoid hurting her feelings, and it would be even less fair for me to tell my step daughter "tough" and to just force a smile and deal with it just so I could have a good time. I haven't done that before, and I won't do it now. I'm under thirty, my husband is thirty (he was 19 when his daughter was born) and I'm really new to this whole thing. I just needed imput from others to verify that my instinct was right. It seems that it was. Thanks again for your advice.
hi C.!
i think i would try to get them to sit down and work things out between them, but if that does'nt work then well at least you tryed... its worth a shot!
good luck!!!
Dear C.,
I have had this almost exact situation with my oldest daughter, who will be 20 yrs old this July, and is a sophomore at ASU.
We had recently moved to Maryland (now in Phoenix) and we made quick friends with neighbors, who had a daughter the same age as mine. I was happy about the commonalities and loved being with the mom too. So I coerced my daughter, bribed my daughter to just try and get a long, just try and play nice.
My solid advice - DON"T DO IT!!! You're relationship with your step-daughter will far out live the relationship with this new mom. I have now found it necessary to apologized to my daughter for making her spend time with this other girl because to this day, she remembers that time period and she felt I just completely ignored her feelings. I also thought I was trying to teach her to get along with others. The other girls was rather bossy and difficult to get on with.
Please remember that those feelings are indeed TRUE for her. If she's bouncing back and forth between Mom and Dad, she'll need even more reassurance about your real commitment to her, her life, her issues.
Trust me, you will find other friendships along the way. Don't force your step-daughter to spend time with someone she's not happy to. Just imagine the impact of that healthy role-modeling later in life. She'll choose her friends wisely and with care for who she is.
And as for talking to the mom, I imagine that her own daughter doesn't care for the situation as well and has told the mom. Your friend will know more than she let's on. Tell her directly that you enjoy her company and friendship, but that the girls need a little break; I hope this works itself out soon; I hope we can pick up where we left off, etc.
Also, you have the option of seeing your mom-friend when your step daughter is spending time with her mother.
You can do it!
Blessings on your life!
Jennifer
e: ____@____.com
Sounds good to me :-). Okay, I'm maybe different than most people, but if you explained to me what you just explained on this board, I would still be your friend. I suggest just asking if just the two of you could hang out...go to coffee or go for a walk or whatever. If she asks why, you can tell her that your daughter is being a typical 11 year old and having a hard time being friends with her daughter RIGHT NOW, but you really value your friendship and hope that you can continue being friends anyway. Your daughter might change her mind in a few months anyway! If she is really YOUR friend, she'll understand. You don't have to say anything negative about her daughter at all. It is your daughter's opinion, not yours and really has nothing to do with the other little girl (unless the other little girl is being spiteful and then you could talk to her about it). Good luck!
I think it is a little petty to worry about yourself as much as you are would you want someone to put you in the same spot you are asking your STEP Daughter to be in, I don't think so. Be the adult explain politely that the children have had a falling out and that you still want to be friends, but will not force a friendship on anyone, if she doesn't understand maybe both mother and daughter are too imature and do not deserve your loyalty. With time the girls might be friends again if not that is their issue to be resolved. Go visit the mother when you do not have the care of the step daughter or have her father spend some quality time with her to free some time for you. (If he is not doing this then I wonder if the ex might not be a better person to have the child, children should not be raised primarily by a step parent it shows a lack of respect and concern for the child that the child picks up on.) Another question if she were your own flesh and blood would you even think about putting her in this awkward situation so YOU could have a friend? As a mother, even more so as a STEP Mother the word Selfish should be removed from the dictionary, there are too many STEP Children that suffer at the hands of their STEP Parents knowingly and unknowingly and if it sounds petty to you it probably is. We are the adults not in high school those games do not belong in the adult setting but seem to be because so many adults never seem to grow past that petty stage of development and act as if they are in high school long past the twenties. We seem to be raising very selfish and self centered parents which in turn breeds selfishness in the children is this the legacy we wish to leave the world?
C. The best approach is the direct approach. I would tell your friend that you really want to spend some girl time with her. I am sure that she is seeing the same personality conflicts that you do and if she is the mature adult that I suspect her to be she will understand that your girls are going through all the typical social emotional changes that they go through and this drama in their lives shouldn't need to effect your relationship. You could probably start the conversation by joking about how much the two of you were drama queens at the same age and that the two of you should stick together in the emotional tempest that is pre-teen girls. The girls probably need a break from each other, does not mean that the Mom's need to take one.
Your school may have a counselor that you can talk to---free. I would start there. Maybe have a girl date and have some open ended questions to ask. My eleven year old is pretty smart and knows how she feels. FYI I had problems with my step-mom until I was about 30 something. Maybe some family counseling would be good too. Someone on the outside who can see objectively on the inside. Hope this helps......Try website www.parentingtodaysteens.org is helpful and www.focusonthefamily too. Remember--She is physically changing too--mood swings, periods etc. She may just be outgrowing this friend.
It's important that your step-daughter know you are there for her, especially in her choice of whom she feels comfortable around. It could become a personal safety issue if there are those whom she needs protection from (ie. adults/older kids) but she doesn't feel comfortable to speak up. Meanwhile, find out why she's not comfortable. If it is purely a personality conflict you could help the girls resolve it through conflict mediation and teaching them to voice their differences with "I-statements" and respect for each other. On the other hand, at that age, some kids are pushing into teens, others are still kids. It could be your daughter feels pressure from the other girl to do things she's not comfortable with, in which case she really needs your support to be true to herself and stay a kid. Or... maybe she sees the other girl as immature/old- fashioned and doesn't want to be associated with that, in which case she could use some gentle lessons on acceptance and compassion. It seems to me that if the other Mom asks why your step-daughter isn't present, a simple honest answer "she's not comfortable with it right now and I have to respect her feelings" should work. If she's a true friend, she can deal with it, or look deeper at what the underlying problems might be.
i understand your need to please your stepdaughter but you should have a life too that doesnt involve her. if she doesnt want to go with you, find something foor her to do and tell the other mom that she had a previous comittment but that you would liek to spend time with her.
If your step-daughter is uncomfortable telling you just why she doesn't want to be around this girl, there may be a pretty good reason. It can be something she is embarrassed about, afraid of, or even ashamed. Get more info from her if you can, maybe offer a story where you pulled away from a friend to make her feel more comfortable. Forcing her to be around this girl could mean that whatever she wants to stop will continue because she's afraid to speak up, dont push too hard. You dont have to tell the Mom that she doesnt "like" her daughter, but that she seems a little reluctant to visit, maybe the other Mom knows something you dont, or will be able to get a clue from her daughter.
Definitely explain the situation to your friend. All people have personality conflicts - it doesn't mean that both people (the kids) aren't great kids - it just means that they aren't likely to be friends. Your friend should understand that. Maybe you could do lunch with your friend while she's a school or leave her at one of her other friend's house while you spend time with your friend.
Dear C.,
I am a mother of four daughters,ages 13,11,9,8.You have just entered the drama zone with your step daughter.Now number one,she could be going through the friends one day, out for blood the next everyday girl thing.Or you need to also consider that this other girl might have done or said something to make your step daughter uncomfortable to be around.I am not judging you but it does sound like from your entry that your friend is more important to you than the relationship you have with your step daughter.Her feelings should be considered first.Talk to her,be friendly.If anything spend time with your friend when your step daughter is spending time with her father or at her mothers. You took on the role of wife and step mother,even though you may not like it at times there are things you must sacrifice to (and this goes for your husband and step daughter to)help keep the family happy or even peaceful.
I taught fifth grade for many years. I think this is a great example to teach your daughter about peer pressure and bullying. For example, let's say she was friends with "Jane" among another group of friends... and she and "Jane" had a falling out. Then "Jane" convinced the entire group of girls to now dislike and ignore your daughter. She would then have lost all of her friends - and how would that make her feel? Is it fair that none of the other girls will talk to her or play with her just because of "Jane"? You are in the same situation with your friend... just because your daughter doesn't want to be friends with her daughter right now, does that mean it's fair for you and her mom (your friend) to no longer be friends??? Also, as a teacher I always gave the little speech about how you don't have to like someone or be their friend to be polite. So when you and the mom get together, if your daughters are there, this will be a good way for her to practice this life skill of being polite among people she doesn't like. AND you'll get to see how this other girl treats your daughter - maybe there is more to it than seems and you and the other mom need to step in anyway.
Just my two cents!
C.
Hi C., you sound like a loving and generous step-mom.
What a great opportunity for your daughter to do something else when you go to spend time with your friend! I'm sure you don't feel you have to be, "joined at the hip," with your daughter at this age (and I'm sure she feels that same some times).
When you go to hang out with your friend, she can go "hang" with another of her friends, take an art class, spend time with her Dad, whatever...
You're doing great: she's eleven!
Big Grins!
T
This is totally normal. I have a 6th grader, and 8th grader, and a 10th grader. Been through it many times. It is not fair to the child to make them spend their precious time with someone they don't want to, and it is your choice to spend your time with who you want to. Be friends with this friend's mom and hang with her. She will understand that your daughter is busy with others and chooses not to come along. Don't even worry about it. Kids grow apart, they grow closer they go thru many stages. You don't have to explain your childs feelings to the other mom. I can if you want to, but there is no useful purpose for doing so. My sister-in-law had this exact issue with her 5th grader this week. She did address it with the other mom and did not appreciate her response and a bit of a rift was felt by my sister-in-law. So if you want to enjoy your friend's company just go for it and feel no guilt.
