i am reluctant to even post because i am so tired of thinking about this, but i cant get it off my mind.
My husband and i are friends with another couple, and have been for years. my sister is visiting so she came with us to their house for a gathering. We have all know each other since high school, so they know her as well.
None of us are perfect, we are all a little "this" or "that" in our own way. But apparently my sister had offended/insulted my friends husband at some point and, while he did not say anything at the time, so that she could defend her position, explain, or even apologize, he kept quiet about it, but stayed mad.
we came over again recently, and out of nowhere (at least to all of us at the time) he tells her she is arrogant and condescending. she asked, why do you think that? he says, because you are! you only talk about yourself, ect.. barely lets her speak, and storms off.
We are all caught off guard, and shocked. so we leave.
my sisiter is quite hurt, and being the sensitive NOT Arrogant person that she is, spends the next several days mentally tearing herself apart to ask
!herself if what he said about her is true. which was hard to watch, because she i actually very caring. she may come off as condescending sometimes, but so do i and probably o do you, and certainly, so does he! but that is beside the point! Right. He just came out of the blue with a generalized personal attack, in font of a group of people. We were all so upset that we left.
I wrote him a very nice letter (maybe too nice) and he just thinks it has all been blown out of proportion.
Am I over reacting? My sister was really hurt!
I know in his family they speak this way to each other all the time, we do not. I would never speak to him that way, and neither would my sister.
I don't think you are. I probably would not have wrote a letter myself as I am more confrentational. (Not always good thing) But I would be asking where that came from.
Where do your loyalties lie?
Mine would be with famliy, so they would not be welcome at our house anymore. I would say to his wife that you are sorry but after Jim acted so rudely to your sister you have nothing to say to him.
You can remain friends with her but refuse his comapny and make sure she knows why.
Some men and women are so arrogant and self centered, they don't see that it is actually their issue and project their iniquities onto others. He is not worth your time, surround yourself with people who are not so toxic.
And tell sis that too, he is not worth her tears.
Blood IS thicker than water.
He owes your sister an apology. He probably knows that.
Time for this friendship to end.
Sorry.
I don't think I could be friends with the couple anymore. I certainly would be careful about being with him around a group of people. If he would trounce her in front of a group, why wouldn't he do it to you?
If their family is used to treating each other that way, he sees this as normal. Do you really want to be treated that way? You have to decide this for yourself. He isn't going to see that it's wrong to do that to people if others put up with it.
So sorry for you AND your sister,
Dawn
i dont think you are over-reacting at all! i probably would have called him on the phone, or went over to his house and talked to him about the situation... but maybe you could suggest that your sister be the one to call him or go over and visit with him and clear up any issues going on...
Is your sister an adult? You said that you all know each other from school, right? If that's the case, then your sister has a relationship and history with him just like you do and your husband does. At least that's how it sounds. I know that you want to protect your sister, but you really don't know what that was about, so you should either try to bring them together to get to the bottom of it or stay out of it. You don't know enough about the situation to take sides and take a stand. Maybe your sister was being just what he said. Maybe he was responding to something in his own life. Either way, what happened was based on their dynamic, and you can't say who was right or wrong based on the fact that your sister was hurt and his accusation seemed uncharacteristic for her.
Well, was it really a yell? My fil got accused of yelling at someone when he just firmly stated something briefly, and it got blown way out of proportion, and was accused of yelling and attacking, so I have a tendency to think that there must be some backstory here that you are maybe not privy to. Obviously, his reaction came out of somewhere, however it was still disrespectful. I would perhaps ask why he felt that way and calm down the relationship with this other couple for a little while.
Let it go. This may be a situation where that night was "the straw that broke the camel's back" from a long string of other situations that could go way back. Maybe she said something that struck a nerve. If your sister was hurt and is still bothered by it, suggest she go and talk with the guy. It's her problem and only her problem. For the rest of you, just keep out of it. If he is normally rude and loud, then find another friend. If he is normally polite and great to be with, then assume he will continue to be and there was something unusual.
I thought is was interesting that you said she was not arrogant but that she could come off as condescending. Hmmm. That might be what he was talking about. So maybe he was right and just used a different word than you would have used. All in all, let it go unless it happens again.
I would tell him that you are not the one who is or did overreact, he did. By that very rude behavior, he showed you his true colors. That is him. I would not want to be around someone who would treat my family member like that. By him acting like you are overreacting he is trying to take the pressure off himself and put it on you. Don't let him.
You owe him nothing. Just take him off your list of friendship. He could never come in my house. And i will never go back to his.
It's good that your sister examined herself to see if any part of what he said is true. That is how we grow. But then she needs to consider the source and let it go.
I agree with Czechma that this is most likely a projection of himself onto her. Perhaps understanding that will help you both to consider the source and let it go. Focusing on his bad manners is not helping anyone.
Deciding whether or not you want to remain friends will also help you stop thinking about it. If you want to remain involved with this couple, I suggest, that it might be helpful to talk about what happened in a calm and non accusatory way. Use I statements. "I felt hurt when you said this.? Try to deal with the way you feel and not the "facts" of the situation. Don't do as he did and project your feelings on him. ie. do not tell him you think he's projecting. Focus on opening communication.
Of course, he might not be mature enough to handle such a conversation. Stop it, before you get hurt, if he gets confrontational. We cannot have an open relationship with some people.
A great book to read is Non violent Communication. They have a web site that summarizes the technique. http://www.cnvc.org/
