Hello Fellow Mommies,
I have a 3.5 yr. old little boy, and he's got a friend of the same age (who is an only child). Individually both are good boys, and MOST of the time they play well together, and both are rather large for their age (tall), and so it's fun for them to have another playmate of their stature. They also carpool to the same preschool (but are in different classes), and our families all go to the same church. My son is very affectionate/loving, but also is very tenatious. He has a very direct personality, and is very dominant. His friend is more shy and quiet normally.
However, lately the friend has been having issues with my son. He seems to be fairly sensitive and uses things like, "I don't like you anymore!" and "You're not my friend!" etc. for a response to what seems to be normal actions from my son (like making sound effects) or not sharing as well. He will also lash out at my son fairly aggressively at other times (kicking, pushing), for sometimes no reason. My son (thankfully!) has learned to just take it in stride. We just say that his friend is having a "silly" day and give him his space. I have asked the other mother and their respective teachers if my son is in some way antogonizing him, or egging him on, and they all say no. However, it seems to be getting worse, not better with time. And his mother is rather frustrated with it, not knowing what to do, and being fully aware that it isn't my son's fault. They came by and brought cookies with a sincere apology after a hard Sunday class. It's sad too, because MY son gets sad because his friend is upset, or sad. "I don't want_____ to be sad!" or "I'm sad because_____doesn't want a hug." And it's hard to see his good buddy be so mean to him at times. It's almost as if something about my son's presence irritates this other kid, who is normally very low key, mild tempered. And it can be triggered by small things that are entirely appropriate and/or normal for a 3.5 yr. old.
I really feel for his mom! I really love and respect their family, but don't want my son to be a constant source of frustration for them because of some unknown. But, this little boy is also starting to do similar things in his pre-school class and just keeps his grouchy "funk" for long periods of time. They also seem to be fairly competivitve with one another and will frequently point and yell at one another "You lose! You lose!", etc. So we're putting a stop to any and all competition.
But suggestions for my friend? It's almost as if emotional "stabs" are his defense mechanism for when he doesn't get what he wants, or people aren't behaving exactly how he wants. Should I ask for space between the two of them to see if it helps? I don't want to in any way harm the friendship I have with the mom, either. Again, we really love the entire family- But he seems to be in this "funk" she can't seem to direct him out of.
Then stop pushing this friendship. It's obvious this other child doesn't want it. Can you love this family without pushing the 2 boys together?
They're 3 1/2....these things happen.
Suggest to your son that maybe his friend isn't feeling so well lately and a calmer/gentler approach may work better right now.....or ask your son if there are any other friends that he may like to spend some time with (to take the focus off of this troubled boy for a while) and set up some play dates with them..
Sounds like the boy comes from a nice family (and you sound nice, too!), so there's no reason for everyone to get all worried in my opinion.
People grow & change. Preferences change. These boys are little people...let them (especially the "other boy") find a niche of friends that may make him feel a bit more comfortable. As you said, he's a bit shy, while your boy is more outgoing....probably just a phase and doesn't mean that you cannot be friends with this boy's parents :-)
This is only the beginning and your son will have to deal with personalities of ALL kinds a lot more once they start school.
Personally, if they don't want to play together (or if his friend doesn't really want to) I wouldn't push it either.
You can't force kids to be friends. It's either there or it's not. Sounds like it's not. That doesn't mean it's anyone's fault. It just is.
Who knows what next year might bring...they could end up being best buds.
If this were my son, I'd discipline him for mistreating others. I'd also love him and encourage him to be kind and have fun with his friends. There might be something going on that could cause frustration for him and he's having trouble handling this. The family may need to address this specifically. Good luck! You're a kind friend.
You know, I have to agree with Cindy B. (Sorry, I didn't read all the responses). But, my son has had friends since before kindergarten and I have to say that as much as they love each other, they also fight like siblings sometimes because they ARE so close. My son is very "go with the flow" and when one of his friends gets pushy or grouchy, he just just has learned to say, "See ya' when you're over it."
He's 15 now, but he has gone to school with the same exact kids and grown up with them and he's learned to just step back. No parental intervention is even necessary anymore.
A week later, things are back to normal.
It's not something that happens over night and neither parent should get all stressed up about it. The moms and I communicate through the "breaks", it's no big thing. When you've known people as long as we have and the kids have grown up together, you just let them have their time to work things out.
It's harder when they are younger because they don't have the dynamics of their friendship figured out yet. And, I hate to warn you, but they go through it again around middle school age when some boys really want to jockey for position as being dominant or whatever.
They go through so many phases.
ESPECIALLY the ones who really do care about each other enough to weather all of it.
The kids can take a break without it being anything wrong on either side.
I would let the kids take a break and give them time to miss each other.
It always worked for mine.
Best wishes.
The ONLY thing that is safe here is to ask: Do you think there is anything that my son does that he shouldn't that I could have him work on?
And if she says no. Ask if she is concerned about it. If yes, ask her if her pediatrician has given her any insight.
Then pray that she begs her pediatrician for answers.
There will always be some kids that will pull out the "I am not your friend" BS. Who knows why...but it is very troubling. And i hate to tell you this but the ones who were saying it at 3 have not gotten better. I have found them to be the "bratty" ones who are manipulative and mean. I never let my kids hang out with these kids. I would suggest that you don't either. Why put your kid in that position. You can still be friends with his parents-but away from the kids.
If their little boy does not act like this to and around other kids, then I would probably say it is due to their closeness (and this age). My boys are 3 1/2 and 4 1/2 and it sounds like some of the things they go through. I can usually tell when they have been around each other too much. They are apart 3 days a week due to different school days and this helps but we also have special outings with each one or let just one go visit grandma and grampa to get their special alone time. They always say they miss the other one and can't wait to see them. And, they always play better together after that break. So, maybe if you were able to give them a couple weeks apart, you would see if they little boy actually was asking to see your son and see if they got along better once they got back together. It couldn't hurt to try it. And, maybe you can get in a nice adult only outing with the other parents in the meantime just for the fun of it!
I think you have probably done everything you can and maybe the boys just need space from each other. I know that my friend's son reacted to me and my son this way once before and my impression was that the boy felt we were infringing on his time with his mother. I don't know the situation with your friend and her son, but he sounds like he is in a funk about something.....of course, he could just be a moody kid. Either way, I don't think the friendship you have with the mother has to suffer. Call her on the phone or get together with her on your own. Even if the boys get a little space from each other you guys can always try again at another time and maybe it will be better. If not, at least you tried and as other said, you can't really force it. It sounds like the two families are very close so I'm sure your friendship will survive this. Good luck!
I think it's important not to overthink the actions of a 3.5 year old. Their brains aren't formed yet.
It all sounds like the actions of normal 3.5 year olds with different personalities. Everyone will survive it just fine.
Time for some space. I recently had a similar situation with my son and another boy. Both of us moms realized that our sons just didn't play well together. They would get together and one would watch tv or play video games while the other played elsewhere. So much for playdates:) As kids grow up, they find friends that they click with, just like us adults. I suggest since this has worked wonderfully for my son, is to find something that your son would be interested in like maybe learning to skate to play hockey? That way, he'll meet other kids who share the same interest.
Your friends son might be starting the "rough house" phase and gets frustrated because your son is gentler and kinder and doesnt like to play rough. You can't pick your kids friends. Kind boys need to be around other kind boys and rough boys need to play with rough boys. It's the old "birds of a feather" thing.
